How do you handle this?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I suggest that you don't give in to cravings to drink or that will prove him right. Stay sober and keep doing the next right thing so he sees you're sincere about your recovery. 
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
There are two things at play here. You can and do have full control of what you do when you feel anxious and stressed. There is/are lots of great advice and support across the site to help you find better ways of dealing with this emotion rather than drinking.
In terms of your Husband I don’t know enough to advise appropriately. How long have you stayed sober to prove change? Does he drink? Is he constantly resentful or are there certain situations that bring his feelings to the surface?
For me personally when I have made attempts to get sober I get very frustrated and annoyed at anyone who doesn’t look forward and brings up my past. After many relapses I have accepted that some of the things I have said and done don’t get fixed and wiped clean just because I am feeling positive and not drinking for now. It takes time and consistency to prove this to others. Stick with it, be consistent and put sobriety first xx
In terms of your Husband I don’t know enough to advise appropriately. How long have you stayed sober to prove change? Does he drink? Is he constantly resentful or are there certain situations that bring his feelings to the surface?
For me personally when I have made attempts to get sober I get very frustrated and annoyed at anyone who doesn’t look forward and brings up my past. After many relapses I have accepted that some of the things I have said and done don’t get fixed and wiped clean just because I am feeling positive and not drinking for now. It takes time and consistency to prove this to others. Stick with it, be consistent and put sobriety first xx
Vietnam Vet
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Georgia
Posts: 421
Originally Posted by Marcutah1 
Sounds like Hubby is having some issues. Does he drink? As they say "the best defense is a good offense".
Vietnam Vet
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Georgia
Posts: 421
Originally Posted by Wendygirl
He does not drink. I won't give in....I will remain sober...I owe it to myself ❤️
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Wendygirl 
I had to take my lumps for a while - I let down a lot of people over 20 years and ticked a lot of other people off.
It took a while but eventually the people closest to me saw a real lasting change in me and responded positively to that
How long have you been sober?
D
I had to take my lumps for a while - I let down a lot of people over 20 years and ticked a lot of other people off.
It took a while but eventually the people closest to me saw a real lasting change in me and responded positively to that
How long have you been sober?
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 327
Drinking will temporarily ease your anxiety, but not address the problem with your husband (or help your sobriety).
It's possible your drinking caused him pain and he's lashing out. It's also possible he doesn't like seeing you better yourself and is trying to drag you down. It depends on your relationship.
Maybe counseling would help?
Drinking definitely will not, though.
It's possible your drinking caused him pain and he's lashing out. It's also possible he doesn't like seeing you better yourself and is trying to drag you down. It depends on your relationship.
Maybe counseling would help?
Drinking definitely will not, though.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
My exgf was a drinker,so when I got sober she would 'justify' her drunken behaivor on my bad antics while drinking. Basically blaming me for her drinking. LOL Anyways..only time and continued sobriety will allow others to forgive your past. I've been 'better' for about 18mo now and I'm just building back some trust from friends and business partners. They still like to remind me of some dumb crap I did while drinking,but it's begining to lessen now. I just own my past and continue to stay 'better'. If they want to forgive..cool. If not..I understand. I know that's a bit different in a marriage,but it's the same principle. My relationship did not survive my getting sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8
Sober
I have only been completely sober for just shy of two months. I can honestly say that I truly feel differently about it this time. I have found a great group that I go to on Monday mornings and some sober friends that I can call on. I fight a battle in my head every single day....I don't want to have to keep fighting one in my marriage too. Oh well......I guess I can only live for myself and do the very best I can, each and every day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
HI Wendy. I would feel very frustrated and sad over repeatedly being reminded of awful things I've done in my past. As others have said, getting more sober time under your belt will help. This has nothing to do with drinking (well, maybe it does), but early in my marriage I was reading an article about fighting fairly in a marriage and one of the suggestions was to not keep bringing up past mistakes. As one spouse put it, "I distinctly remember forgetting that.". (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Wendy.
Welcome and congratulations on your sobriety.
I think that often the dynamics in a marriage or relationship change when one partner stops drinking.
Could be several reasons, and without knowing a lot about your back story, I would only suggest that you continue to work your recovery for you.
Your sobriety is hard won. Guard it carefully.
Your husband may come around or he may not. I think in time he will.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome and congratulations on your sobriety.
I think that often the dynamics in a marriage or relationship change when one partner stops drinking.
Could be several reasons, and without knowing a lot about your back story, I would only suggest that you continue to work your recovery for you.
Your sobriety is hard won. Guard it carefully.
Your husband may come around or he may not. I think in time he will.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Sobriety is like driving at a high rate of speed and slamming on the brakes. All that stuff in the backseat comes flying forward. It takes time to deal with this wreackage and can only be done with time.
Staying sober and working on recovery is the only way to start making amends. There are programs for those we hurt so they may work through resentments we caused. Al-anon is one I have experience with and can be healing.
Changing is the best apology. However, some may not want to. “Let us up off the floor “ Only you can determine if this is the case - over time.
You don’t have to drink AT him.
Staying sober and working on recovery is the only way to start making amends. There are programs for those we hurt so they may work through resentments we caused. Al-anon is one I have experience with and can be healing.
Changing is the best apology. However, some may not want to. “Let us up off the floor “ Only you can determine if this is the case - over time.
You don’t have to drink AT him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Congratulations on your two months' sober time. That's huge. I'm glad you've found this forum, there is a deep well of wisdom here if you look.
I understand both sides here, but you'll have to figure this out over time. Just keep yourself safe and sober and soon you may find you are able to let it go when your husband's fear rears its head. He will likely relax in time, too.
I understand both sides here, but you'll have to figure this out over time. Just keep yourself safe and sober and soon you may find you are able to let it go when your husband's fear rears its head. He will likely relax in time, too.
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