I’m feeling sad today...
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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I’m feeling sad today...
I am doing everything I’m supposed to be doing...
Living separately from RAH
Seeing therapist (2!)
Leaning on friends for support
Visited a lawyer for a consultation to ease my fears about some things and get advice
But it’s so...hard! We had a realtor visit the house yesterday in preparation for listing it and I’m just full of grief today... grief because—this isn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want this path when I married my R(?)AH. I didn’t want this for my son. I’m grieving the fantasy of a happy ever after. Researching condos to rent online is just not what I had in mind for myself and my son.
Sometimes I see that “happy ever after” when I talk to him. But he isn’t showing me any recovery. I wouldn’t feel comfortable living with him.
Anyway, I’m just sad. I wish things were different. Is it okay to cry infront of a 2 year old? Hah
Living separately from RAH
Seeing therapist (2!)
Leaning on friends for support
Visited a lawyer for a consultation to ease my fears about some things and get advice
But it’s so...hard! We had a realtor visit the house yesterday in preparation for listing it and I’m just full of grief today... grief because—this isn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want this path when I married my R(?)AH. I didn’t want this for my son. I’m grieving the fantasy of a happy ever after. Researching condos to rent online is just not what I had in mind for myself and my son.
Sometimes I see that “happy ever after” when I talk to him. But he isn’t showing me any recovery. I wouldn’t feel comfortable living with him.
Anyway, I’m just sad. I wish things were different. Is it okay to cry infront of a 2 year old? Hah
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Big hugs, Mama. Many of us have been exactly where you are...doing things you never wanted to do, grieving your hopes and dreams and plans. It is so hard.
I think this is when it is most important to pay attention to actions rather than feelings. Actions show what the intentions really are as they are what someone is actually willing to put the effort into. Feelings will pass...sometimes extremely slowly, but they will pass.
I recently read Sheryl Sandburg's Option B...I found it a very easy and helpful read. Some of it's a bit idealistic, but I liked the overall message about building resilience and finding joy when it seemed impossible at one time.
Just keep doing the next right thing for you. And I can almost guarantee the 2 year old won't remember you cried.
I think this is when it is most important to pay attention to actions rather than feelings. Actions show what the intentions really are as they are what someone is actually willing to put the effort into. Feelings will pass...sometimes extremely slowly, but they will pass.
I recently read Sheryl Sandburg's Option B...I found it a very easy and helpful read. Some of it's a bit idealistic, but I liked the overall message about building resilience and finding joy when it seemed impossible at one time.
Just keep doing the next right thing for you. And I can almost guarantee the 2 year old won't remember you cried.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sorry to hear you are sad today. Divorce is a sad situation to have to experience .There is going to be a mourning period, change is coming, and even knowing the change is for a healthier life, it doesn’t make it any easier today. Granted , I have been divorced over 25 years and I do remember struggling with just who am I .? I had been part of a “we” equation for so many years, I forgot what actually interested me in life. What did I enjoy doing before a husband and 3 kids?
I understand you are busy securing a new home, but it’s ok to plant some seeds today, entertain and explore the possibilities of something you maybe interested in doing in the near future. Little short term plans give us something positive to look forward to. Helps keep us sane. Maybe for today, just put some music on, sing Loud, I would clean out junk drawers, throwing stuff away empowered me, I was making decisions, I was moving forward....
I understand you are busy securing a new home, but it’s ok to plant some seeds today, entertain and explore the possibilities of something you maybe interested in doing in the near future. Little short term plans give us something positive to look forward to. Helps keep us sane. Maybe for today, just put some music on, sing Loud, I would clean out junk drawers, throwing stuff away empowered me, I was making decisions, I was moving forward....
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
AM, I completely understand how you feel. I've been separated from my AH for 2 years now. It has been so hard going this divorce. I wanted my family to work so bad. I am the same like you when I talk to him I sometimes hear the person I fell in love with 13 years ago. But the reality is that "he" will never change. And living with an alcoholic is a miserable way to live. You and your little one deserve a better life. My advice is to keep busy. Make a list of things that you are going to do daily so that your whole day is planned. I don't think crying in front of a 2 years is bad. I probably did it several times when my boys were younger. They don't remember. Stay strong AM and big (( hugs)) to you and your little one.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Relationship endings are painful, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad about that. We just have to remind ourselves that the solution to easing the pain never lies with the person who caused it.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things for you and your child even if it isn’t how you envisioned your life going.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things for you and your child even if it isn’t how you envisioned your life going.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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So I talked to him for a while yesterday when he was dropping off our son.
He was talking about our situation and trying to get some space to see if he missed me or not. I asked him if he has missed me at all since he moved out (it's been about 3 months) He said one time when he was on a road trip he missed having me next to him.
Like, that's it? I've missed him more than that and I probably SHOULDNT be! hahaha
I asked him why he never wanted to hang out with me when he lived here. I used to get turned down just asking him to watch a movie with me (what smaller effort could one person make than sit on a couch next to someone and not speak for a couple hours). He said he was staying away from 'triggers.' I mean I can think of a couple times we watched a movie and had a glass of wine but it wasn't a normal occurrence at all...
He then brought up about how he's not really sure if he has ever loved me or not. He said he was initially attracted to me because I was a "challenge" Ever since he realized girls liked him, he enjoyed trying to get them to fall for him. He said it was the best feeling ever. And in college he was doing it a lot and thought himself to be pretty good at it. I guess I was a challenge, in that regard? Then he said he kept escalating the relationship to try to make me happy. If we buy a house, she'll be happy--if we get married, she'll be happy--if we become financially stable, she'll be happy--if we have a kid, she'll be happy. He said he used alcohol on the weekends to help be the guy to 'make me happy'. (Although apparently he used to say he had to go out of town for work but would, in reality, go to a hotel and drink for a few days... which didn't really revolve around making me happy...)
Is he in denial about something or a complete sociopath? Who spends 12 years of their life with someone they aren't sure if they love or not?
Should I believe him? I mean I do not want to live with someone who doesn't enjoy even watching a movie with me--but should I really believe that I spent 12 years of my life with someone who was just trying to play a mind game with me?
He was talking about our situation and trying to get some space to see if he missed me or not. I asked him if he has missed me at all since he moved out (it's been about 3 months) He said one time when he was on a road trip he missed having me next to him.
Like, that's it? I've missed him more than that and I probably SHOULDNT be! hahaha
I asked him why he never wanted to hang out with me when he lived here. I used to get turned down just asking him to watch a movie with me (what smaller effort could one person make than sit on a couch next to someone and not speak for a couple hours). He said he was staying away from 'triggers.' I mean I can think of a couple times we watched a movie and had a glass of wine but it wasn't a normal occurrence at all...
He then brought up about how he's not really sure if he has ever loved me or not. He said he was initially attracted to me because I was a "challenge" Ever since he realized girls liked him, he enjoyed trying to get them to fall for him. He said it was the best feeling ever. And in college he was doing it a lot and thought himself to be pretty good at it. I guess I was a challenge, in that regard? Then he said he kept escalating the relationship to try to make me happy. If we buy a house, she'll be happy--if we get married, she'll be happy--if we become financially stable, she'll be happy--if we have a kid, she'll be happy. He said he used alcohol on the weekends to help be the guy to 'make me happy'. (Although apparently he used to say he had to go out of town for work but would, in reality, go to a hotel and drink for a few days... which didn't really revolve around making me happy...)
Is he in denial about something or a complete sociopath? Who spends 12 years of their life with someone they aren't sure if they love or not?
Should I believe him? I mean I do not want to live with someone who doesn't enjoy even watching a movie with me--but should I really believe that I spent 12 years of my life with someone who was just trying to play a mind game with me?
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Autumn, what do YOU want? That entire post is about him. How are YOU doing? What are YOU learning about YOU?
I would take him at his word unless he shows you something different. But for what it's worth, what he has been showing you for the last twelve years--at least in my perception--aligns with what he is telling you. This is someone who has no relationship with himself. Until he has that, how can he possibly have a healthy relationship with anyone else?
I would take him at his word unless he shows you something different. But for what it's worth, what he has been showing you for the last twelve years--at least in my perception--aligns with what he is telling you. This is someone who has no relationship with himself. Until he has that, how can he possibly have a healthy relationship with anyone else?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Autumn, what do YOU want? That entire post is about him. How are YOU doing? What are YOU learning about YOU?
I would take him at his word unless he shows you something different. But for what it's worth, what he has been showing you for the last twelve years--at least in my perception--aligns with what he is telling you. This is someone who has no relationship with himself. Until he has that, how can he possibly have a healthy relationship with anyone else?
I would take him at his word unless he shows you something different. But for what it's worth, what he has been showing you for the last twelve years--at least in my perception--aligns with what he is telling you. This is someone who has no relationship with himself. Until he has that, how can he possibly have a healthy relationship with anyone else?
The past week I have just felt overwhelmed. I have been spending a lot of effort getting this house ready to sell, but meeting the realtor just made it seem so... real. And I have no plan of where I'm going to go when the house sells which makes me anxious. I am planning on renting a place but... where... when? What if it sells in 2 weeks? What if it takes a year...? I just hate the uncertainty. The worst case is that I can move in with my husband's parents if I can't find a place to rent immediately (I live in a resort town and rentals are hard to come by at certain times of the year)
I have been having imposter syndrome with being a mother to my two year old lately. What if I'm not a good mother? What if I can't do this alone? I tell myself that a lot of people are single mothers and do just fine--I just worry that something is inherently wrong with me, and I just am not going to be able to do it. What if I am harming him? I mean, I got myself into this bad situation, didn't I?
And my husband is a cloud of uncertainty as well--is he in recovery? is he using/drinking? is he safe to have our son overnight? does he like me? is he going to get better? are we going to get back together? are we getting divorced? is he going to try to get more custody than I want him to?
I know that I should just be taking things a day at a time, but sometimes all the uncertainty just feels so... heavy... I just sink under it. I feel like I need to make some pretty major decisions about my life in the near future and the uncertainty just makes it so... muddled... hard?
My next step is to make an appointment for a marriage counselor --if only just to start the conversation of what custody looks like and things like that. Other than that I am marching down the road of selling the house, going to therapy (going in a hour!), and trying to just put one foot in front of the other.
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Big hugs, AutumnMama, none of this stuff is easy. The more you focus on the things you can control, the more you will empower yourself to move forward confidently despite your doubts. The more energy you give to him and his issues, the less you'll have for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Its really hard getting through it and the feelings you are having are normal and I hate to say will come back over and over for a while, My exah told me he liked ( not even loved) being with me for 20 years cos I was a good organiser but in the end it didn't matter why he had been with me. What mattered was my life divorced from him and what I wanted. I don't live well with uncertainty so everything I could be certain about and was in my control I planned and made happen. 4 years on I am still figuring out what I truly want. Having choices after having none is very strange. lol
It's not all been plain sailing. Exah doesn't co parent. He never really did tbh. He turns up every now and then and expects our sons to drop everything for him but they don't anymore. I am still single. However we have a stable drama free life and I have found I can do way more than I envisaged as a single parent. Yes it's lonely at times but I am old. Finding another man was always going to be a challenge and one I wasn't up for until very recently. Life does even out tho and things will get better and calmer.
It's not all been plain sailing. Exah doesn't co parent. He never really did tbh. He turns up every now and then and expects our sons to drop everything for him but they don't anymore. I am still single. However we have a stable drama free life and I have found I can do way more than I envisaged as a single parent. Yes it's lonely at times but I am old. Finding another man was always going to be a challenge and one I wasn't up for until very recently. Life does even out tho and things will get better and calmer.
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