Buckley3

So, I'm emerging from a 4-5 day run of serious Mr. Poopy Pants syndrome. It was marked by an underlying anxiety - acute sometimes, most of the time just a subtle but constant background noise. Caught myself going through classic cognitive distortions - black and white thinking, ruminating on a single piece of information without considering the whole picture, focusing on what is NOT happening vs. what I've accomplished, etc. etc..

I'm mostly writing it off as the impact of some quite valid stressors I have - the whole house thing and waiting on the results of the inspection, etc. and of course sitting and waiting and contemplating/ speculating on what my fate is going to be when I finally get convicted of my 3rd OWI.

At times I was able to swim to the surface for brief periods of relief - recognizing that my situation isn't at all the worst it could be, that whatever the results I am in a very fortunate situation and this is temporary and I'm definitely going to land on my feet, etc. etc..

So yea, I think some of it is a natural and valid part of my current experience that will go away once I get through the uncertainties ahead. It was present starting Saturday and got triggered into hyperdrive by a particularly stressful meeting at work Monday morning.

It's a pattern though that I recognize and not at all the first time I've experienced it. I find myself wondering.... hoping... that once I clear some of the hurdles that are part of the cleaning up of the mess I'm in I'll find it subsides. But I also wonder if it's somehow hard baked into me.

I guess what I'm wondering is if anyone else goes through these cycles and what types of resources, experience, maybe even CBT techniques or guides they've found helpful to deal with it. Or does it mostly go away after a good long period of sobriety and healthy living? I plan to discuss it with my therapist next week - but any perspectives here would be greatly appreciated.

-B

entropy1964

Well I know when my thinking gets sideways its usually because of fear. Fear creates anxiety. Anxiety makes me try to control the snot out of everything because I guess I feel that if I can control it I can make it go away. But if I can't control it, that is an obvious flaw in logic. Hence the cyclical, ruminating thinking.

It usually boils down to recognizing what I can do and do it. If there is nothing to be done, I have to own how I react. Which means having faith that everything will go as it is meant to. Living out in a future which has yet to happen will only create more fear.

Sometimes that sucks and its hard. But accepting whatever comes my way is my only choice. I'm not religious but I find the phrase "thy will be done" reassuring. Its my way of accepting that I have to wait for outcomes, and sometimes that's hard.

biminiblue

Fricka - great post.


Buckley, it does get a lot better - the spinny brain settled quite a bit for me, but it took nearly a year of working at all aspects of my recovery. Some of it is definitely a physiological issue, as well as what Fricka said.

Give it some time, though.

I tell myself, "Don't grab on to that," all the time when some fear comes up. I don't need to be future-tripping or living in regret. Staying where my feet are is the only way. Hit the ball when it comes to me - not before and not after it's in the pitcher's glove. Taking an early swing won't get that ball where I want it, yeah? I'd just be swinging at air.

Next right thing and all that.

DontRemember

It took a little over a year to get my day in court for my last DUI and it was the longest mental back/fourth year of my life. I'd be fine one day, then a looming feeling of doom the next. My date would get postponed 3 more months and I'd be 'cool' for a month then back to constant worry about my future for two. Rinse and reapeat a couple more times. Looking back now, I wonder if this was a form of mental torture/punishment for my crime. Once I got my sentence it was like a giant weight was lifted. Of course I still had fines,classes,ect..to take care of,but the "what if's" and future tripping drove me crazy!

Edit: I was also still drinking during that year up to court,although no where near the level I had been,so that probably didn't help with my anxiety either.