Both parents are alcoholics
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 1
Both parents are alcoholics
So I’m not exactly sure where to start...
I’m am the adult child of two very highly functioning alcoholics. Growing up my parents were always been “social drinkers” who took it too far. My mom is definitely the dominant personality and my dad just follows suit. 90% of the time everything is great we are a very loving, close knit, fun family...even when they’re drinking. It’s not like they’re personality changes and they become different people, though my mom tends to get sloppy and sometimes belligerent. But it’s the 10% that is worrying me more and more...most specifically drinking and driving. They drink multiple bottles of wine every night and since they’re together they never feel like they are drinking alone. They have a huge network of friends and are always going to parties and they really think nothing about jumping in the car after MANY glasses of wine. I keep dreading the day that I wake up to the call they have been in an accident and hurt themselves or God forbid hurt someone else. I have two sisters but I am the only one who lives locally so I feel like I’m the one who has to deal with the problem. I was hoping they had a wake up call 2 years ago when my dad was pulled over...and arrested for ‘boating under the influence’ after my wedding. But they had a lawyer friend help them ‘take care of it’ and after a few months were back to their old ways.
I guess what brings me to today is that I’m pregnant and I keep waking up in a panic because I know I can’t trust my parents to watch my daughter once she is born. My mom is so excited and keeps talking about how she can’t wait to babysit. But there is no way I will ever put my baby at risk like that. This is going to be the first time I’m am going to actually have to confront my parents about their drinking and I am scared to death. I have been passive aggressive about how much I hate their drinking (especially after my wedding). But I love my parents and am so scared about not having them in my life so I usually cave and go back to the status quo of pretending everything is fine. I know my sisters will support me but they hate confrontation even more than I do, so I know I will have to take the lead. I can’t even picture how they will untangle themselves from drinking since it is such a huge part of their social life but I know things have to change.
Sorry for the long post. I guess I’m just looking for advice or seeing if anyone has delt with a similar situation. I just want to handle this as best as I can.
I’m am the adult child of two very highly functioning alcoholics. Growing up my parents were always been “social drinkers” who took it too far. My mom is definitely the dominant personality and my dad just follows suit. 90% of the time everything is great we are a very loving, close knit, fun family...even when they’re drinking. It’s not like they’re personality changes and they become different people, though my mom tends to get sloppy and sometimes belligerent. But it’s the 10% that is worrying me more and more...most specifically drinking and driving. They drink multiple bottles of wine every night and since they’re together they never feel like they are drinking alone. They have a huge network of friends and are always going to parties and they really think nothing about jumping in the car after MANY glasses of wine. I keep dreading the day that I wake up to the call they have been in an accident and hurt themselves or God forbid hurt someone else. I have two sisters but I am the only one who lives locally so I feel like I’m the one who has to deal with the problem. I was hoping they had a wake up call 2 years ago when my dad was pulled over...and arrested for ‘boating under the influence’ after my wedding. But they had a lawyer friend help them ‘take care of it’ and after a few months were back to their old ways.
I guess what brings me to today is that I’m pregnant and I keep waking up in a panic because I know I can’t trust my parents to watch my daughter once she is born. My mom is so excited and keeps talking about how she can’t wait to babysit. But there is no way I will ever put my baby at risk like that. This is going to be the first time I’m am going to actually have to confront my parents about their drinking and I am scared to death. I have been passive aggressive about how much I hate their drinking (especially after my wedding). But I love my parents and am so scared about not having them in my life so I usually cave and go back to the status quo of pretending everything is fine. I know my sisters will support me but they hate confrontation even more than I do, so I know I will have to take the lead. I can’t even picture how they will untangle themselves from drinking since it is such a huge part of their social life but I know things have to change.
Sorry for the long post. I guess I’m just looking for advice or seeing if anyone has delt with a similar situation. I just want to handle this as best as I can.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tryandstay sunny.....
I will give you my view on what you have written. Be aware that my view is not shared by everyone else.....
If you are concerned about them drinking and driving...(and I share your legitimate concerns)….You do have the option of asking the police, that are close to their neighborhood, to watch for their cars. You do not have to give your name, and they will not share that they were given a heads up. They will simply observe for them, and stop them if they see evidence to do so....
In this way...it will be they court system that will confront them...not you. They will not like facing the system, of course...but, they will have to. There w ill be lots of hoops to jump through, for them, and it may keep them from driving dr unk….they may have to take uber, etc.....
While that may be s great benefit and save them from getting killed or ma imed in a car accident or harming others....it may not be enough to keep them from their drinking lifestyle....It may take more to do that...
Knowing that they cannot watch their grandchild while they are drinking....th at may have a sobering influence on them...
The grandchildren thing can be a powerful influence.....
But, there are no gurantees, of course.
Not all people are the same.....
In any case...I suppose that it will come to the point where you will have to put the safety of your child first....you can't leave a baby with drunk people. Sooner or later, you will have to talk to them about it.....
I have tons of empathy for your difficult position.....
I will give you my view on what you have written. Be aware that my view is not shared by everyone else.....
If you are concerned about them drinking and driving...(and I share your legitimate concerns)….You do have the option of asking the police, that are close to their neighborhood, to watch for their cars. You do not have to give your name, and they will not share that they were given a heads up. They will simply observe for them, and stop them if they see evidence to do so....
In this way...it will be they court system that will confront them...not you. They will not like facing the system, of course...but, they will have to. There w ill be lots of hoops to jump through, for them, and it may keep them from driving dr unk….they may have to take uber, etc.....
While that may be s great benefit and save them from getting killed or ma imed in a car accident or harming others....it may not be enough to keep them from their drinking lifestyle....It may take more to do that...
Knowing that they cannot watch their grandchild while they are drinking....th at may have a sobering influence on them...
The grandchildren thing can be a powerful influence.....
But, there are no gurantees, of course.
Not all people are the same.....
In any case...I suppose that it will come to the point where you will have to put the safety of your child first....you can't leave a baby with drunk people. Sooner or later, you will have to talk to them about it.....
I have tons of empathy for your difficult position.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Try, and welcome.
To me, one of the most insidious effects of family alcohol addiction is the tendency to minimize the condition, which then “normalizes” the situation.
Both of your parents are heavy drinkers. Seems like you alone in the fam are worried about it.
Me, I would calmly get out there with concerns sooner rather than later.
I would express concern about the amount of alcohol they are consuming, that I am worried about the drinking and driving, and that baby sitting is contingent upon abstaining, at least that day. These don’t have to be big “this is how it is” conversations, and can take place over time.
But, that being said, be ready for pushback.
We all make our choices. Your parents can drink til rapture, but you and your child do not have to be part of it.
I remember having conversations with my mother and alcohol addicted sib about how their world would be totally changed if he hurt someone while driving impaired.
Denial, denial, denial from both parties.
He still drinks, but, thankfully, doesn’t drive anymore.
Good luck and good thoughts.
To me, one of the most insidious effects of family alcohol addiction is the tendency to minimize the condition, which then “normalizes” the situation.
Both of your parents are heavy drinkers. Seems like you alone in the fam are worried about it.
Me, I would calmly get out there with concerns sooner rather than later.
I would express concern about the amount of alcohol they are consuming, that I am worried about the drinking and driving, and that baby sitting is contingent upon abstaining, at least that day. These don’t have to be big “this is how it is” conversations, and can take place over time.
But, that being said, be ready for pushback.
We all make our choices. Your parents can drink til rapture, but you and your child do not have to be part of it.
I remember having conversations with my mother and alcohol addicted sib about how their world would be totally changed if he hurt someone while driving impaired.
Denial, denial, denial from both parties.
He still drinks, but, thankfully, doesn’t drive anymore.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi Sunny. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you found us.
Your maternal instincts are strong and you should absolutely listen to them. You are well within your right to say, "Thank you for your offer, but I'm not comfortable leaving baby with you." You don't even need to explain why (but they should already know why and if they say they don't, then they are in denial about their own situation and you don't need anymore info that that).
Just don't fool yourself into thinking that if you tell them you don't want them to babysit because of how much they drink (and drink & drive), that it will induce them to alter their behavior. Do not underestimate the hold that addiction will have on people.
Something else to consider: "very highly functioning" is not a TYPE of alcoholism. It's a STAGE. This thing is progressive. Left to its own devices, it will always get worse. No one can predict how long that will take, or when the tide will turn into truly unmanagable territory.
Your maternal instincts are strong and you should absolutely listen to them. You are well within your right to say, "Thank you for your offer, but I'm not comfortable leaving baby with you." You don't even need to explain why (but they should already know why and if they say they don't, then they are in denial about their own situation and you don't need anymore info that that).
Just don't fool yourself into thinking that if you tell them you don't want them to babysit because of how much they drink (and drink & drive), that it will induce them to alter their behavior. Do not underestimate the hold that addiction will have on people.
Something else to consider: "very highly functioning" is not a TYPE of alcoholism. It's a STAGE. This thing is progressive. Left to its own devices, it will always get worse. No one can predict how long that will take, or when the tide will turn into truly unmanagable territory.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
https://www.al-anon.org/
^^^ Al-anon is for friends and family members of alcoholics. This is a family disease that greatly affects the people close to the alcoholic.
^^^ Al-anon is for friends and family members of alcoholics. This is a family disease that greatly affects the people close to the alcoholic.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,706
Hi, Sunny!
Glad you are here. You will find a lot of support but, please consider attending al-anon meetings to get a better understanding of how to approach and stand firm to your decisions concerning your alcoholic parents. You need to protect yourself and your child from any harm. Trust your instincts.
Glad you are here. You will find a lot of support but, please consider attending al-anon meetings to get a better understanding of how to approach and stand firm to your decisions concerning your alcoholic parents. You need to protect yourself and your child from any harm. Trust your instincts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi and welcome,
Sorry for the tough situation you are in. I have experience with this and without going in to detail I just want to say to trust your instincts.
I would never assume that because the person was sober when I dropped the child off that they would be so when I returned.
So your instinct to not have them babysit is right on, in my opinion.
The level of denial where your parents think it is a given that they will be allowed to take care of a child when they have shown over and over that they have a very loose attitude to being drunk is pure denial. Although society normalizes alcohol, it's still a drug, just like heroin or weed or hash. It's not nothing. No one would leave their child with a heroin addict or someone who was sitting there smoking hash (ok, not no-one but that's another whole story).
My terribly long point here is, you are going to have to face up to this.
My Father drank and drove often! Once when I was a teen I got in the vehicle with him and someone else for about a 10 minute drive. If there was ever any question of someone being able to drink and drive with any kind of judgement that went well out the window. It was horrendous and I never got in a vehicle with him again when he was drinking.
Terrible judgement to try to operate a vehicle when drinking. Now, this should go without saying right? Well yes BUT, millions do it and your parents are one of them. They are not organizing an Uber to get to a party, they are jumping in their car and putting other people's lives at risk.
THAT is the point, that is the worry and you are spot on.
Either they change that type of thinking or your child doesn't stay with them, those are my thoughts on it anyway.
Maybe their attitudes will change, all you can do is state your case.
Also, please don't assume that your talk with them will result in any changes on their part. You can't control them and they may well choose to keep drinking like they have been.
Sorry for the tough situation you are in. I have experience with this and without going in to detail I just want to say to trust your instincts.
I would never assume that because the person was sober when I dropped the child off that they would be so when I returned.
So your instinct to not have them babysit is right on, in my opinion.
The level of denial where your parents think it is a given that they will be allowed to take care of a child when they have shown over and over that they have a very loose attitude to being drunk is pure denial. Although society normalizes alcohol, it's still a drug, just like heroin or weed or hash. It's not nothing. No one would leave their child with a heroin addict or someone who was sitting there smoking hash (ok, not no-one but that's another whole story).
My terribly long point here is, you are going to have to face up to this.
My Father drank and drove often! Once when I was a teen I got in the vehicle with him and someone else for about a 10 minute drive. If there was ever any question of someone being able to drink and drive with any kind of judgement that went well out the window. It was horrendous and I never got in a vehicle with him again when he was drinking.
Terrible judgement to try to operate a vehicle when drinking. Now, this should go without saying right? Well yes BUT, millions do it and your parents are one of them. They are not organizing an Uber to get to a party, they are jumping in their car and putting other people's lives at risk.
THAT is the point, that is the worry and you are spot on.
Either they change that type of thinking or your child doesn't stay with them, those are my thoughts on it anyway.
Maybe their attitudes will change, all you can do is state your case.
Also, please don't assume that your talk with them will result in any changes on their part. You can't control them and they may well choose to keep drinking like they have been.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Do they drink all day or only start at night? You could leave the baby in the a.m. and shop and then be back before they start. That way she babysits, but not while drinking. You are wise to consider the negatives. My late wife’s parents are the same. She never called her mother after 6 p.m. The mom never noticed.
Alcoholics are selfish self-centered people. They do not see the effect they have on the world around them They cut through the world, a big wide swath, and think of nothing in their wake. Do not try to explain, just try to stay clear.
Alcoholics are selfish self-centered people. They do not see the effect they have on the world around them They cut through the world, a big wide swath, and think of nothing in their wake. Do not try to explain, just try to stay clear.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Congratulations Tryandstaysunny!!
You don’t have to make any decisions today or tomorrow or even next week about your parents watching the baby. The baby isn’t here yet so time is on your side to figure things out. Now is the time to focus on the here and now, your health and the health of your pregnancy.
You don’t have to make any decisions today or tomorrow or even next week about your parents watching the baby. The baby isn’t here yet so time is on your side to figure things out. Now is the time to focus on the here and now, your health and the health of your pregnancy.
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