fish101010

first post in this forum. im a male university student in the uk age 20, for a large portion of my life I have suffered with mental health issues and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, particularly SA. it was never really clear what the cause of this was and I am usually quite detached from my feeling because of this. coming back from university to home where my family live I find myself very unhappy, my room is almost open plan to my fathers office from which he works. he has always had a bad temper which I would experience and a very evident alcohol problem, which sometimes only I am aware of due to our proximity. recently I have become more aware of a constant sniffling, especially in the mornings (before 12 am) and regularly leaves the office to go down stairs very briefly. I know he has had a past with drugs in his youth, and even recreationally in later life. although im from a middle class family, he is unable to hold a job down. he sleeps early in the afternoon, and then is early to bed in the evening again. I recently had to lend him a large 4 figure sum (a lot for a student). I dont know what to do... we dont have a good relationship and cant talk to each other at all. how do I investigate

biminiblue

I think rather than try to play the drug police, you would be better served to find a way to move out permanently.

It doesn't sound like a good place for you, regardless. Just the drinking and the personality issues are enough reason. Tell him it's time to make your own way in the world.

There is nothing you can/could do even if you did find out the extent of it - he's a grown man and will do what he wants.

Can you get some counseling? You can always go to a local church and talk to the pastor or youth counselor, and there are free meetings for families of drug and alcohol users - Al Anon or Nar Anon. You could Google that in your area.

fish101010

here in the uk the student finance system forces certain people to be dependent on their parents, without them I would need to annually raise maybe 8000 pounds on top of university studies. I also dont want to walk out on the rest of my family

tromboneliness

Maybe so, but the point is, being the drug police Is. Not. Going. To. Work. It will not stop... whatever is going on, from going on. You can't stop someone from drinking, using drugs, banging their secretary, or engaging in... whatever unhealthy behavior they want to do. Neither you nor other family members can stop your father from using drugs -- if that's what he's doing.

This is a hard concept to get your head around -- it certainly was for me, when I tried to make my parents stop drinking like fish, or tried to do something about how much my significant other was drinking, etc. The basic idea is that you can't change people -- which is exactly the opposite of what we grow up thinking. "How can you let her drink like that?," or "How can you let her smoke?," people used to ask me.

Hey, if there were a way to make someone stop, we would have it posted as a sticky at the top of this forum, every new visitor would read it first, and we could all be happy, joyous, and free, and get on with our lives. But that's not how it works.

My favorite way to explain it (e.g., at an Al-Anon meeting, which I attend weekly) is to note that I don't always behave in the most healthy ways -- I don't see my doctor often enough, don't get enough exercise, don't always eat the best foods, and so on. But how much am I going to change this based on advice from my well-meaning friends? Um, not at all. So who am I to think they're going to be more receptive to my advice? Not going to happen.

I'd second the recommendation of finding an Al-Anon meeting (they're all over the world -- I'm sure you can find one in your area, maybe even at school). As one of the group's standard welcome messages states, it will show you that "it is possible to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." That, I can attest, is true!

T

Eauchiche

Dear Fish
SO sorry for what brings you here. You have been forced into adulthood very early and quickly. This could prove to be advantageous to you in life.

As for walking out on your family, the vision that comes to mind is of a cruise ship that has sustained severe damage and is going to sink. You have a choice of getting into one of the lifeboats, or staying on the ship in hopes that the cruise will continue. In my personal experience, the addict family is a sick system that each member has to leave one by one if they want to heal.

As for raising the money you need, have an open mind and open eyes. There are jobs that would be compatible with your studies. I even know a friend who had a position especially created for him so he could get advanced degrees that he is using now for those who helped him.

Keep coming back here. I hope we can be a support for you!