In AA but he sneaks a drink now and then
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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In AA but he sneaks a drink now and then
My husband has been going to AA every day (that I know of) for over a year. He has made huge changes in himself and is nothing at all like the person he was a year ago. I don't need to go into details obviously about how well AA has worked in his life. I have noticed however that at least once maybe twice a month he sneaks a beer or maybe two. It is very obvious to me because I know how his personality changes. (yes, even with one beer) I can almost guarantee he doesn't think me or his son notice. He wakes up happy and goes about the day normal. He will come home from meetings rest of month and even talk about how he wouldn't fall into the trap some of the guys have of slipping up. That he has NO desire to drink. That one guy there said ONE drink led him back to binge drinking again, and my husband says "that is ridiculous. I would never have taken that one drink" WTH?! Yes you have!!!
I sit there and listen to him and I am dying to say that I KNOW he has had a few drinks here and there. Do I say anything? I feel like if I remain quiet he thinks he has me easily fooled.
I sit there and listen to him and I am dying to say that I KNOW he has had a few drinks here and there. Do I say anything? I feel like if I remain quiet he thinks he has me easily fooled.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
More will be revealed.
Do you have any boundaries in place about what your plans are should he return to full-on drinking - whatever that looked like for him? Maybe you could approach it that way. "If you return to drinking, I'll be moving out," or whatever your line is.
Some people are able to manage moderate drinking. Of course there is no way to know which way it's going to go for him, and if he was/is an alcoholic this is not going to continue to be "one" beer or two.
Do you have any boundaries in place about what your plans are should he return to full-on drinking - whatever that looked like for him? Maybe you could approach it that way. "If you return to drinking, I'll be moving out," or whatever your line is.
Some people are able to manage moderate drinking. Of course there is no way to know which way it's going to go for him, and if he was/is an alcoholic this is not going to continue to be "one" beer or two.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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SouthFLgirl…...this reminds me of when my son was drinking...and, was told that he was not to come to my house unless he was sober. LOL...I could tell with only one beer too!
When he had been drinking...I would tell him...right away..."You have been drinking"....when he would deny it...I would say..."That was a Statement---not a Question!".
If he continued to deny...(which he would)….I would say..."This is not up for debate...I know what I know"....."You have to leave, now"...…
Question...do you have any boundaries for yourself for when he relapses?.....or is this o.k. with you.....?
Actually nobody is being fooled.....He knows he has been drinking...and you know that he has been drinking.....
What does all of this mean for you.....
Chances are, he will drink more and more....as time goes on.
Bottom line...he is going to do what he is going to do.....the question is...as always...what are you going to do?
When he had been drinking...I would tell him...right away..."You have been drinking"....when he would deny it...I would say..."That was a Statement---not a Question!".
If he continued to deny...(which he would)….I would say..."This is not up for debate...I know what I know"....."You have to leave, now"...…
Question...do you have any boundaries for yourself for when he relapses?.....or is this o.k. with you.....?
Actually nobody is being fooled.....He knows he has been drinking...and you know that he has been drinking.....
What does all of this mean for you.....
Chances are, he will drink more and more....as time goes on.
Bottom line...he is going to do what he is going to do.....the question is...as always...what are you going to do?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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as been pointed out- the only one being fooled is himself thinking hes fooling everyone-talkin the talk at AA and home.
it can and probably will get worse-"ive been getting away with a couple here and there. i bet i can head out back and drink a 6 pack without anyone noticing."
something like that.
and who's to say its only a couple here and there- it could already be more than that.
it can and probably will get worse-"ive been getting away with a couple here and there. i bet i can head out back and drink a 6 pack without anyone noticing."
something like that.
and who's to say its only a couple here and there- it could already be more than that.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
My personal opinion is that he is not sober. The sneaking part is obviously a big part of the "how" he is behaving too. I have never heard of anyone working a solid AA program where intermittent one or two drinking is part of the plan. That wouldn't be sobriety, or recovery.
Like others said- you can decide what is OK with you or not. I don't think it is unlikely that his drinking would re-escalate if he's gotten comfortable with just a "little" - the alcoholic mind will test the limits....
My husband is a little behind me in sobriety (he will have 2 yrs this wk, I have 27 and change) and if he behaved as yours does, it would not be acceptable to me.
Like others said- you can decide what is OK with you or not. I don't think it is unlikely that his drinking would re-escalate if he's gotten comfortable with just a "little" - the alcoholic mind will test the limits....
My husband is a little behind me in sobriety (he will have 2 yrs this wk, I have 27 and change) and if he behaved as yours does, it would not be acceptable to me.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 572
What would be the benefit of calling him out on it? Aren't the huge changes he's made over the last year good enough?
AA simply requires its members have a desire to stop drinking. Sometimes it takes some time to stick.
I have an acquaintance "sober" for 6 months at AA on one of those Z-meds for sleep and a benzo for anxiety.
Interestingly enough, people define sober in their own way too.
Maybe a beer here and there, in his mind, is sufficiently sober.
AA simply requires its members have a desire to stop drinking. Sometimes it takes some time to stick.
I have an acquaintance "sober" for 6 months at AA on one of those Z-meds for sleep and a benzo for anxiety.
Interestingly enough, people define sober in their own way too.
Maybe a beer here and there, in his mind, is sufficiently sober.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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[QUOTE=daredevil;6917722]What would be the benefit of calling him out on it? Aren't the huge changes he's made over the last year good enough?
AA simply requires its members have a desire to stop drinking. Sometimes it takes some time to stick.
I have an acquaintance "sober" for 6 months at AA on one of those Z-meds for sleep and a benzo for anxiety.
Interestingly enough, people define sober in their own way too.
Maybe a beer here and there, in his mind, is sufficiently sober.[/QUOTE]
I am pretty sure that sober means no drinking. at all. If he truly does think one or two beers is sober then the alcoholic mind is beyond my comprehension.
AA simply requires its members have a desire to stop drinking. Sometimes it takes some time to stick.
I have an acquaintance "sober" for 6 months at AA on one of those Z-meds for sleep and a benzo for anxiety.
Interestingly enough, people define sober in their own way too.
Maybe a beer here and there, in his mind, is sufficiently sober.[/QUOTE]
I am pretty sure that sober means no drinking. at all. If he truly does think one or two beers is sober then the alcoholic mind is beyond my comprehension.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by SouthFLGirl 
I am pretty sure that sober means no drinking. at all. If he truly does think one or two beers is sober then the alcoholic mind is beyond my comprehension.
Make your plans going forward based on your definition, not his.
He will continue to do whatever it is he feels is the right thing for him in that moment.
You can either live with it - or not.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Whether you confront him or not isn't really the issue, is it?
You are in a relationship with someone who does not appear to be able to be honest about his drinking or his recovery. What does that mean for you?
You are in a relationship with someone who does not appear to be able to be honest about his drinking or his recovery. What does that mean for you?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
The alcoholic mind is far beyond my comprehension. It's also not my business how the alcoholics in my life find recovery or how solid it is. 
A good friend far along in her recovery from this family disease of alcoholism told me, "You might "know", but you don't really know what's going on with someone else."
The alcoholic can have many symptoms of PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) for an extended period of time.
Another friend's husband drank a 6 pack of beer before every AA meeting for a long period of time. It's what it took for him to make it through the door. He got a sponsor right away. He eventually decided on a rehab center and has continued with a spectacular recovery in AA, completely sober.
Many ways, no one path to healing.
The path important to me needs to be my own. For this, I have an ever-growing support network including Al-anon, therapy and counseling. Those of us near the disease become affected by it in many ways.
A good friend far along in her recovery from this family disease of alcoholism told me, "You might "know", but you don't really know what's going on with someone else."
The alcoholic can have many symptoms of PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) for an extended period of time.
Another friend's husband drank a 6 pack of beer before every AA meeting for a long period of time. It's what it took for him to make it through the door. He got a sponsor right away. He eventually decided on a rehab center and has continued with a spectacular recovery in AA, completely sober.
Many ways, no one path to healing.
The path important to me needs to be my own. For this, I have an ever-growing support network including Al-anon, therapy and counseling. Those of us near the disease become affected by it in many ways.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by SouthFLGirl
My husband has been going to AA every day (that I know of) for over a year. He has made huge changes in himself and is nothing at all like the person he was a year ago. I don't need to go into details obviously about how well AA has worked in his life. I have noticed however that at least once maybe twice a month he sneaks a beer or maybe two. It is very obvious to me because I know how his personality changes. (yes, even with one beer) I can almost guarantee he doesn't think me or his son notice. He wakes up happy and goes about the day normal. He will come home from meetings rest of month and even talk about how he wouldn't fall into the trap some of the guys have of slipping up. That he has NO desire to drink. That one guy there said ONE drink led him back to binge drinking again, and my husband says "that is ridiculous. I would never have taken that one drink" WTH?! Yes you have!!!
I sit there and listen to him and I am dying to say that I KNOW he has had a few drinks here and there. Do I say anything? I feel like if I remain quiet he thinks he has me easily fooled.
I sit there and listen to him and I am dying to say that I KNOW he has had a few drinks here and there. Do I say anything? I feel like if I remain quiet he thinks he has me easily fooled.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
That one guy there said ONE drink led him back to binge drinking again, and my husband says "that is ridiculous. I would never have taken that one drink"
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
So may good responses here...
Aa is a program of recovery BASED ON rigorous honesty. There is a saying “take what you want and leave the rest,” but they didn’t mean honesty.
If you aren’t honest, you aren’t in recovery.
Aa is a program of recovery BASED ON rigorous honesty. There is a saying “take what you want and leave the rest,” but they didn’t mean honesty.
If you aren’t honest, you aren’t in recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
What would be the benefit of calling him out on it? Aren't the huge changes he's made over the last year good enough?
I can only speak for myself, but it wasn't my sister's pot smoking that destroyed our relationship. It was the lying, the refusal to take responsibility for her choices, and the abandonment of her children and my parents (they both fought cancer) that did it.
She has made a lot of progress on the surface (she has a job now so she isn't mooching off people as much) but it's going to take a hell of a lot more to earn back my trust.
I alluded to this metaphor in another post, and I'll bring it up again. It's like someone stabbed you in the heart. They can say they're sorry all they want, but all the sorrys in the world won't remove the wound.
If they say, "I'm sorry I stabbed you. You can stop hurting now" they're being totally unrealistic about how pain works.
If they say, "I'm sorry I stabbed you. You can stop hurting now" and they're holding a knife in their hands, what would you do?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 65
SouthFLGirl writes>>>In AA but he sneaks a drink now and then<<<
I did the same, I sneaked drinks or I'd go to AA meetings high on booze. This behavior was part of my recovery, I wasn't ready yet , but eventually I recovered.
I had family members that had the same behavior as your husband and me, but I didn't try to fix them, which was what was suggested at Al-Anon meetings.
I did the same, I sneaked drinks or I'd go to AA meetings high on booze. This behavior was part of my recovery, I wasn't ready yet , but eventually I recovered.
I had family members that had the same behavior as your husband and me, but I didn't try to fix them, which was what was suggested at Al-Anon meetings.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
Tricky stuff. Active alcoholics lie. You just have to accept that. Demanding honesty is just a waste of your time and effort. I suggest you let him know you are aware he is still struggling to be 100% sober and you hope he can get there. Not when he makes one of these statement about others falling off the wagon. If being around him when he's had a couple is making you uncomfortable, then tell him that...WHEN he is sober. Ask him to please take himself elsewhere when he wants to drink. My hubby took a long time to finally get completely sober. Not having my company was a key. Once sober, he withdrew from me when I decided to drink and he detected a buzz. Not argumentatively, just matter of factly. He went to bed, read a book. Left me alone with my buzz. I learned that his company meant my being sober too. Every situation is different. I would not attack the lie. It is par for the course. I would simply state your boundaries and live by them with cool and clear headed actions. Good luck
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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SouthFLG, one responder has said that what's wrong with him sneaking one or two now and then. If an A could do that, and not lie about it then sure, it could continue indefinitely without causing much harm.
The reason most programs focus on abstinence is because of the brain alterations that happen with heavy drinking. Once you rewire your brain to expect alcohol at every moment of heightened stress, be it good or bad, or when you're ready to relax, it takes a long period of abstinence to kill that expectation. Topping up by the odd relapse is a dangerous way of keeping the brain wired to expect alcohol. You might continue for some time that way, but it tends to escalate, often very quickly.
Just as important is the breach of trust. Personally I wouldn't be able to stop myself saying something, but keeping it neutral and not entering into an argument. That's your decision, and there's no right or wrong here. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.
The reason most programs focus on abstinence is because of the brain alterations that happen with heavy drinking. Once you rewire your brain to expect alcohol at every moment of heightened stress, be it good or bad, or when you're ready to relax, it takes a long period of abstinence to kill that expectation. Topping up by the odd relapse is a dangerous way of keeping the brain wired to expect alcohol. You might continue for some time that way, but it tends to escalate, often very quickly.
Just as important is the breach of trust. Personally I wouldn't be able to stop myself saying something, but keeping it neutral and not entering into an argument. That's your decision, and there's no right or wrong here. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.
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