Jlinks

Yesterday was a hard day for me and I am feeling a lot of guilt. After boundaries being repeatedly crossed, I broke up with my alcoholic girlfriend.

I first started to notice early signs of a problem the first month of us meeting. We are both 24. We would go out for drinks and the way she acted while drinking occasionally would be typical of someone who had too much; she would slur her words, make unwise decisions, cry, and babble on for what seemed like hours. Annoying but I did not think anything of it because I was blinded by what an amazing person she was sober.

Then it would get worse, I first started noticing how bad it truly was when she broke down drunk having a meltdown about her friends that passed away, understandable but when this happened more than once a week, the same conversation on repeat, I started to think she could be using alcohol to cope with grief. Many events from her drinking started to become more commonplace, to her embarrassing me infront of my friends, to her smashing my car door multiple times, calling me every weekend crying from some party saying I need to pick her up then using me as an emotional crutch and acting erratic constantly, and even driving drunk. my patience wore thin with my loved one. I loved her but could not stand her when she drank and the emotional burden it was taking on me. One night she admitted to me that she has been drinking every day since her friend passed 9 months ago. Multiple occasions I could count after this on two hands of her drunken shenanigans keeping me up at night, it felt like a broken record being played over and over again of the same fights, issues, and antics.

The highlight was when I finally confronted her at a bar as she was sloppy drunk making an embarrassment of herself that I could not stand the way she acted when she drank and was going home. She proceeded to punch me in the face so I left her there. I found out the next day from friends that they witnessed her making out with someone at the bar after I left. When I broke up with her after that, we met and reconciled. She Admitted she has a drinking problem and wants to stop and will stop. She told me the cheating and physical abuse was the drinking not her and she will stop. I told her that I understood and am there for her through her addiction but if she gets drunk one more time that I cannot be with her and watch her destroy her life, and that I would be losing self respect if I enabled behavior that caused her to cheat and beat me. Things were rocky at first because I did not fully trust she would live up to her end of the bargain but they got better. I was by her side through the physical withdrawals and emotional breakdowns and we were getting better as a couple. That is until a few nights ago when she asked to have a beer with dinner just as a social drink. I begrudgingly said I would rather her not, but if she doesn't think it will turn into an issue one beer couldn't hurt. We left dinner fine. The next day she called me drunk at 130 in the morning demanding I pick her up or she will walk home from an area that is known for being extremely crime ridden. The next day after that I broke up with her and stated my reason that I set a boundary that I would leave if she got drunk again and she crossed and it. It would be the last time I let her disrespect my boundaries and hurt my feelings. I was tired of being a pushover and her having no remorse that her actions were hurting me. This turned into a pretty nasty argument where she said she didn't have a problem, justified being drunk, stated I was the problem, her drinking was fine until I came into her life, that I'm dead to her, and trying to control her life and change her. This led me to say some pretty mean things myself which I regret but do not make me Innocent for doing so. After all this I feel heartbroken and guilty. not just guilty about how I could have done more but guilty for my anger toward her. She is not the same person when she is drunk and our relationship got to the point to where she was drunk more than herself. I feel like I could have been there for her more and helped her. It almost feels like being cheated on that she would openly choose drinking over me. I feel very insecure because of this. Was she drinking the whole time and I did not notice until she called me that night? Did she get drunk and cheat on me again? It was never about how her drinking caused me to feel but always only centered around her emotions ". She refused to acknowledge the pain her actions caused me. I wish I didn't leave her but I could not continue to be walked all over and be her emotional crutch for a problem she was not helping. I wish I didn't say mean things during the breakup but I was so hurt and angry I acted defensively. I love her and am heartbroken from all of this. Heartbroken from Leaving someone you love because they won't change and then having them treat you as if you are dead to them. I feel stupid that I was so blind to her problem and it took me so long to realize that she did have one. I tell myself it's not my fault because I have never had a loved one be an alcoholic but still fault myself for being so blind. I tell myself it is not her but the alcohol that makes her this way. I feel guilty of thinking of myself while she is suffering a disease but could not stand the emotional toll it was taking on me. A part of me feels that in ways I enabled her drinking as well by drinking with her often early on in the relationship and buying her that last beer at dinner. Lastly the feeling I have the most is confusion that although I broke up with her because of the pain she caused me, in her eyes I am a terrible human being and everything is all my fault, nothing is hers at all. I am a bad person to her and she is glad I broke up with her. I wish It didn't come to this. I am sorry for the length of this post but I have never dealt with this before and am having a hard time coping. I love her But hate her drinking.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, Jlinks. I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum here. I think you'll realize that you are NOT alone, and that you made the best decision you could. Make sure not to miss the "stickies" at the top of the page. There's a lot of great information as well as inspiration there.

Have you considered Alanon as a face-to-face source of education and support for yourself? Between SR and Alanon, I was able to learn and grow a lot. You may find the same.

Hope to hear more from you in the days to come.

Lostinthismess

Jlinks, breaking up with her now is the best thing you could do for yourself. You can’t change her drinking just as she can’t change how you feel about her drinking. I too felt guilt for leaving my stbxah, but I think that’s normal. What we want in a relationship and what we get from being in a relationship with an alcoholic are 99% of the time two completely different worlds. An alcoholic will do and say whatever they need to in order to get what they want, drunk and all the attention. Knowing you deserve a better relationship and making the steps to one day have a better relationship is something to be very proud of. Sending you hugs and strength.

dandylion

Jlinks…..I am sorry for your pain. I know that it is considerable...but, I am glad that you have been able to face the reality of the situation.
There are literally thousands of stories that are the same as yours, in this forum, over the years.
This is a disease that takes no prisoners...leaving the only healthy choice, for you , is to end the relationship. It becomes the choice of …"Let go or be dragged".....or, go down, along with her. It sure sounds like she is progressed pretty far along, in her disease, by now.
I think that, without being aware of it....you were, actually, enabling her. At this point...she doesn't seem to have the fire in her belly to do what it takes to get sober and stay sober. So, you have been softening her consequences and cushioning her blows--to your own detriment.


I wish, for your sake, that you knew m o re about alcoholism....because I can tell that you don't. Who does? Most people know nothing, unless they have had a reason to do so....and, that even includes lots of professionals...unless they take additional study.

If you knew more...you would know that she HAS to blame you, and, has to make you a bad person. She has to distract from her issues and place them on you....Without you....who else could she blame? Herself??
that wouldn't work for her and the disease that controls her...because she would have to stop drinking.....The disease whispers in her ear...24/7...."drink, drink, drink!" That is the disease...that is driven by the changes in the dopamine receptors, and other neuroreceptors, in her mid-brain.
It has nothing to do with you. (even though it does hurt you)...She drinks because of her disease....that is why all alcoholics drink....


3 Cs...you didn't Cause it; You can't Cure it; and, you can't Control it.


You are grieving...and will be doing so for the next weeks to months. That sucks....but, you will heal, in time. I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain.
That probably is not much consolation for you in this hour...but, it is better than the alternative---which is pain that goes on...and, on...and, on...only getting worse, not better....


I am going to give you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There are more than 100...enough for you to read and digest one, every single day...lol. There is sooo much to learn..
Knowledge is power.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)



***When you cry to heaven and ask" Why? Why? Why?!".....you can find the answers to those kinds of questions in two sources, that I consider among the very best....
The book "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar. It is the latest research on how alcoholism affects the brain....you can get a cheaper one, used, on amazon.com

for the psychological dynamics....the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. (psychiatrist)…..he wrote several excellent articles.....

http://bma-wellness.com/papers/Excuses_Alcoholics.html

I hope that you will hang around, and take advantage of these great resources, and continue to post.....

Bernadette

I love her But hate her drinking.

This is how most of us feel about the As in our lives. That's why we are Friends and Family of Alcoholics and not Bitter Enemies and Distant Aquaintances of Alcoholics Forum!!

So sorry for what you've been going through. I have watched my A brothers burn through so many potentially good relationships, wonderful women, but they just always ultimately would choose the booze. They also said hateful things in defense of their drinking, because for an A nothing gets in the way of their drinking, so if they need to blame you, blame a friend's death, blame any other problem in their life they will, over and over. It is heartbreaking and frustrating because as you mentioned, we also saw their "good sides."

Unfortunately alcoholism/addiction isn't like a standard illness in that the objective damage often doesn't impact the A for a long time, and it is not until they themselves feel the need to change that any progress will be made.

You made a very wise and healthy choice by standing by your boundaries and your standards for a relationship and letting her go. Maybe your dismount was imperfect, and you can always send an apologetic letter specific to things you regret saying if it's weighing on your heart, but trust that you had to get out. That was the right impulse. You can either let go or be dragged. If you don't believe it, read around the forums and meet all the people who are 20 or 30 years into this dance with an addict. Not a happy picture.

Glad you're here--
Peace,
B

Jlinks

Thank you all. I have read what has been asked and all though the truth can be painful, it is better to accept reality for what it is than be delusional. To hear so many similar stories and understand I am not alone in my feelings is reassuring to help get through this breakup. I would like nothing more than to be with her, but realize that doing so would only further enable her behavior and drag me down with her. I wish she will someday get sober, but have accepted that that day might never come, and is out of my control.

dandylion

Jlinks…..WoW! I am impressed. You have already read the hundred articles in our library of Classic Readings.....read all the works of Floyd P. Garrett...and read the whole book of "The Addicted Brain".....
It took me years to get through all of that.....
You should be an "expert", by now.....lol.....

With all of that under your wing....I hope that you will stick around and offer support to the other newbies that come to our forum seeking help...….

Jlinks

Haha not at all I have begun reading the articles in the library and educating myself, I'm not that quick of a speed reader. I just wish to educate myself on the matter to hopefully be of help to others in pain as you have been. Thank you.

DontRemember

Hey,buddy..you did yourself a HUUUGE service by getting out when you did! Just reading your OP brought back plenty of huge red flags that my own drinking convienently had me ignore about my exAgf that I spent 13+yrs with. I wish I had your foresight! Great job spotting and ending it when you did! I know it sucks and all that,but it's in your best interest..know that.

soberista

Totally agree with all of the above. It may seem hard now but for sure it will be harder and a whole heap messier as the weeks and months and years drag on. She is 24. I only managed to get sober and STAY sober from January this year. Im 52.

AnvilheadII

Did she get drunk and cheat on me again?

New rule: if you EVER again find yourself asking this type of question, the relationship is already toast. and it's time to go. with a swiftness.

Jlinks

Update : we agreed to have a final goodbye in person. I didn’t want to end things over texts and needed the closure. It was terrible. I arrived at her house and She proceeded to get drunk in front of me and tell me that all her friends hated me for the way she treated me, her father wants me dead because he believes that I threatened to kill her (absolutely did not), that the day I broke up with her she had sex with someone from my friend circle, that I am the problem pretty much and she is glad I am leaving and that I would drink too if I had her problems. After her crying about how I never paid attention to her and numerous other things she faulted me for in the relationship. She finally admitted to me that when she was a pre teen she was violently raped by someone who broke into her home and that she hasn’t told a single soul besides me since it happened. This absolutely broke my heart. I finally understood the cause of her behaviors so there was a certain peace with that, assuring myself that it wasn’t my fault. As I went to leave she told me if I didn’t stay the night she would kill herself and me being an idiot I stayed. We proceeded to have sex and in the middle of it she called me a different name than my own and passed out cold. I felt terrible after and wrote her a letter saying that I was heartbroken that it had come to this, but I had to go and couldn’t say goodbye. That I couldn’t help her and although understood her pain couldn’t stay because of the damage she had caused. I begged her to see a therapist for her problems instead of drinking because if she didn’t I believed she would wind up dead. I left crying the whole drive home. It breaks my heart that I had to leave and that she hates me, but I could not continue to enable her anymore and tolerate her drinking, for my own sanity if not for her health. I hope she gets the help she needs as it is completely out of my control now. This is the worst heartbreak of my life and I will pray for her every night.

firebolt

It's so heartbreaking, but I hope you have enough peace and comfort with your decision to stick to it. You saw how easily it is to get sucked right back in - we've all been there! Blocking them from access to communicate with you helps - A LOT.

Be good to yourself, and give yourself some time ans space to grieve, then heal. Your future just got a lot brighter! And (((HUGS))) to you.

Ladybird579

She proceeded to punch me in the face so I left her there. I found out the next day from friends that they witnessed her making out with someone at the bar after I left. When I broke up with her after that, we met and reconciled. She Admitted she has a drinking problem and wants to stop and will stop. She told me the cheating and physical abuse was the drinking not her and she will stop.

Just so you know and do not want to end up in another relationship the same as this one, abuse and cheating are not usually cos of drinking too much so it was her. People who cheat and are abusive will do that sober sooner or later but the drink makes them less inhibited.

She punched you in the face. That alone would be a deal breaker regardless of how drunk she was.

dandylion

Jlinks…...I believe you when you say that this is the worst heartbreak of your life. Any of us who have experienced a breakup in a relationship where we invested a lot of ourselves, know exactly what you mean.....

Firebolt is right...you are going to have to allow yourself to grieve....and, this is going to take so me time, of course.....there is no way around it Just know that no matter how bad you feel, right now...it is not going to last forever!!

Ladybird is also right.....she has some deep issues going on...in addition to the alcoholism....

I think it is sooo important for you to recognize that there is no more that you could have done. You have done the only healthy option that is available.....

The 3 Cs....
You didn't Cause it; You can't Cure it; and, you can't Control it.....

You are young...and, you are going to have other relationships.....I second what Ladybird said....you may face alcoholism or drug abuse or cheating or other symptoms of instability in other people that you may meet.....
Take this opportunity to learn all that you can.....it will protect you , in the future....and help you identify red flags or toxic people, early on....
Remember the list of over 100 articles that I gave you the link to?.....read ALL of them....read one every day....
Knowledge is power...…

If we don't learn from our experiences, we tend to repeat the same patterns, over and over....So, this is a big opportunity for you.....

Jlinks

She told me last night that she talked to her dad and told him I wasn’t going to harm her. I was considering talking to him and pleading with him to listen to the fact that she needs help but after all the pain she has caused me I just don’t have the energy to invest into it. I did not cause this problem and I am not going to solve it for her. She is blocked on all modes of communication and it is going to stay that way. Whoever I loved is dead the alcohol has taken control and hopefully she gets the help she needs. Breaks my heart but the truth of the matter is more important than what my heart wants. I can at least say I tried to stay and help her out of love for as long as I did where most would have ran. I could care less what she says to anyone about me. The truth is the truth and everything else is false. The good memories are lost to me all I will remember is her cruel vindictiveness and the lessons that came with it. I hope anyone going through the same situation can use this as an example. Take it from me the decision that hurts the most is the right one to make when dealing with people who have this disease. If I could take any lessons from this, if you are dating someone with a drinking problem, be honest and open about it immediately when you recognize it and if they are not willing to get help run. You can’t change it as much as you want to. Only they can toss the sauce. The longer you stay the more emotional damage that it will take on you. Believe me I will never be an object to a person I care for again. My heart breaks for the people in this forum who have been in relationships with AH for 10+ years, you are far stronger than I could ever imagine being and I’m sending all the hugs your way. Understanding the rhyme to an AH reason definitely helps with closure and helps take the blame and guilt off yourself as you understand better what makes them tick. All of her cruelness, hate, hurt, and blame directed towards me was simply because I was what was standing between her and her drinking. Nothing more nothing less. One act of kindness can change the world for lifetimes after us. Love outlives death. I will break the cycle Of hate that came from this relationship and use its lessons to spread love. If it wasn’t for this forum I don’t know where I would be. Sending love all your ways thank you so much you have no idea how much it means.

dandylion

Jlinks…..I agree that understanding the nature of the disease of alcoholism...and what it does to the brain, body and spirit helps to "take the blame and guilt off yourself"......That is one reason that I keep trying to tell newbies to educate themselves about the effects of alcohol...and that Knowledge is Power...…
I think it is an asset, for you, that y ou seem willing to do that...even though you are in a lot of pain....


For right now...I think it can help to put the top things that hurt you the most on a card and carry it with you, all the time....This can help you if/when you ever start to doubt yourself….


I know that your intentions were good and that your feelings were real.

***I'm sorry to laugh at a time like this....so forgive me.....but , "toss the sauce" is a new one on me...lol...lol...

NYCDoglvr

Of course it hurts and my heart goes out to you. Helped me to remember "feelings aren't facts": just because I felt guilt doesn't mean I did anything wrong.

trailmix

Hi Jlinks,

So sorry for what you are going through. She really did treat you horribly and I'm glad to hear that you have gotten yourself out of it.

As for the lesson, I would take it a step further. If you are dating someone and recognize they have a drinking problem, (and you decide to stay in the relationshp) be prepared to ACCEPT that and all that goes with it.

You can't change anyone (nor should you try really).

Of course if you don't understand alcoholism you don't know what you are in for, which is another reason why this forum is so helpful.

Good luck to you

dandylion

^^^^^^Such good advice for anyone, I think...…

I think that Trailmix is right....so many people don't know what alcoholism is all about....and try to apply the usual rules for relationships to a relationship with someone with drinking or addiction problems.....
The usual rules...that we learn, growing up, don't work in relationships where there is addiction or abuse...the two big deal breakers...…


Who knew?......