Turquoise

ABF left last week. I have spent alot of time symbolically cleaning him out of my house. Got rid of the pee stained mattress and washed his smell out of everything. He took all of the belongings he bought for our home and charged me for ones I chose to keep that we'd brought together, which hurt. Still, I am free now and better off I know
, but I can't help slipping into regret and missing him and the good bits. He has been in contact and wants to stay in touch for his needs I suspect as he is obviously still in denial. He still thinks we will get back together. I've asked for no contact for the time being. I'm confused because the optimistic side of me would like to think we may get back one day, though I have no idea what that would look like as I wouldn't want to live with him again. I am still in love with him. I expect it's the codependancy in me
Im keeping busy, maybe too busy, and realising also, that so much of my time and energy went into managing the stress of being together . I'm not sure who I am now and what I want and need to do. I am thinking about how to nurture myself but it's hard to find time with 3 children and full time work. Im scared of being alone and although lucky that our finances and assets weren't tied together , I feel lost and I'm worried about becoming low in mood.

SparkleKitty

Hi Turquoise. I think everything you're feeling in the wake of a break-up that you didn't want but knew was best in the long run is normal and to be expected. Take it slow--just focus on doing the next right thing.

In the aftermath of a break-up, even if the intention is future friendship, we often need a period of strict No Contact while we grieve.

Lostinthismess

I agree, what you are feeling is apart of the healing. There’s a grieving process when you lose a loved one but also when a relationship ends. This process does not care who ended the relationship. Sending you lots of hugs and strength.

BlownOne

I think deep dpwn most folks would admit to being afraid of being alone (or winding up there). I know that's how I feel. But I also know that sometimes the universe gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want. For myself I've found being alone very uncomfortable, but it forces me to look at life in different ways, ways that I would not have chosen on my own. Kind of forces me to grow. It's ok to grieve the loss of your relationship. As a counselor once told me, "The pain IS the healing". Sending you hugs.

marie1960

You hit the nail on the head when you stated, “He wants to stay in contact for his needs” Friendship is a two way street, we add joy and value to each other’s lives, we help each other, enjoy each other’s company, support each other in sad times. Currently, his disease does not allow him to be anyone’s friend.

It’s safe to say he will continue to take, take , take, as long as you continue to engage, and give, give, give.

You are now able to start the next chapter of your life. Today, is the perfect day to invest in you. I understand life gets busy, ....kids, work ,household chores, and often we do not take time and do something nice for ourselves. Going no contact will truly allow you to move forward, staying in contact delays the healing process. Sometimes we have to be brave , and just rip that band-aid off.

dandylion

Turquoise...….You are still very fresh in the grieving process...the part that I have called the "active bleed" phase....the part where you are still in a sort of "shock and denial" and the pain feels like it goes down to your bones. Feeling like it might swallow you up and that there will be no end....hard to think about anything else.
Getting through each 24hr. period can be a "victory", at this point. Like Sparkle said...just do the next right thing.
It doesn't stay like this...you will morph into the other, further stages of grieving......until, a few weeks or months from now...you will laugh, again...and you will look forward to tomorrow....

Back on November 12, 2017...I gave you the link to our extensive library of articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones...there are over a hundred of them...enough for you to read one ever single day...lol.
These articles will show you the path to nurturing yourself...and, help you to connect with yourself.....
You will see how the thousands of people, before you, found their way out of the forest.....
I hope that you will red them and I hope that you will continue to post...…

do you know how to find your old threads...? Go to your name--on the left hand side of your post....and, click on it. Then pick "previous posts" from the drop own menu.
When you are missing him or tempted to contact him...go back and read your earlier threads...that will remind you of how you got to this point.....

By the way...that link that I gave you was....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

trailmix

It is very early on and the hurt right now is to be expected. That doesn't necessarily make it easier, just know that it will get better.

When you miss him, remember that he made you pay for the items you bought together.

Honestly when I read that I thought how petty. Is he that desperate for money that he needed to charge you? In the large picture of the universe it's just a small incident but it shows his character, a reflection of who he is and it's not a good reflection.

A good response to that would be "get out of my house" - but that's not where you are at and as you mentioned you still love him but now you will have time to reflect on how he truly is.

Keeping busy is great but keeping your mind busy is really also important. At this early stage that might just mean binge watching Netflix, you will probably find your mind wanders, just drag it back to whatever you are watching. It helps to stop the ruminating and gives you time to rest mentally.

Hang in there, it will get easier.

AnvilheadII

it's only been a week.....it's quite normal for your thoughts and feelings to be jumbled. these things take time.

i am not sure the contact is doing YOU any good, regardless of what he says he wants for himself.

Maudcat

Pee stained mattress.
That would do it for me.
Things will get better with time.
My suggestion?
Stay no contact. It took tremendous bravery for you to change things up.
Why continue to prop him up?