LovePeaceSushi

For the newbies, I'm an oldie. I fall off this forum when things start to get better OR when things get bad and I have the dumb attitude of "I can handle this on my own".

It's more than I can bear to go back on my Google Calendar and see exactly when he fell off the wagon. I will say March 8 with maybe 1 or 2 day sprinkles here and there of sobriety. (For a total of MAYBE 8 days)

Tonight AH wanted to "address the elephant in the room". When I asked him what the elephant in the room was, he mocked the tone of my voice and said that "he didn't quite know". At another instance, he said he was "tired of waking up every morning and trying to live a lie"....When I asked him what that "lie" was, he got reflective....(like he was in a play)....and said...."I don't know....that's a good question".

Needless to say, I got fed up with the BS. At this point, my AH mimics my tone of voice (in a high pitched manner) and says that I'm immature. Me. The person who is begging for a sober husband.

I asked him if "acting like a wife" would mean that I just ignore the lies and allow him to drink every day without question and then give him sexual gratification at the end of the night. He wouldn't say yes, but ya'll - - I think that's what he wants!!!

I am walking a tightrope of a narcissistic ex husband who tells my 14 yo daughter all kinds of crazy, untrue things (Thank GOD she doesn't believe him and sees his game) and my current husband who averages 4 days out of each month sober (and that's being generous).

trailmix

So since you won't instigate a divorce, him asking for one would be a good thing?

dandylion

LPS...….one thing that I know , for sure....and is well documented....is, that, living in an alcoholic home is really detrimental to children.
Another thing, that I know, for sure....is that a marriage takes two people who both want to be married and hold up their part of the marriage contract.
From what you share....it appears that your husband is an alcoholic...who is no where near wanting to get into real recovery.
Alcoholism damages all that it touches...including the alcoholic.
It is a Law of the Universe that it is your responsibillty to look out for your own welfare....and, as a mother...the welfare of your children.....


The 3 Cs.....You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. And, you can't Cure it...…

***Your body is your own and you don't owe anyone sexual gratification. Your body is sacred.
No man ever died from lack of "gratification"......

SparkleKitty

So when he wanted to address the "elephant in the room" (and he was referring to--I assume--the lack of intimacy between you), is there a reason that you did not say, "Okay, let's talk about your drinking"?

I very much doubt that someone who is sober only 4 days out of every month can pull it together long enough to actually file for divorce. If you are waiting for him to pull the trigger so that you don't have to, that might be some magical thinking at play.

tomsteve

with my ex chronic relapser, she brought up the topic:"we need to talk about the problems between us."
me:
yes we do need to talk about your chronic relapsing."
her:
"thats not what im talking about. im talking about how you shut down when i do."
me:
holding back saying,"heres your sign."

marie1960

so was he drunk when this conversation took place? His mockery of your tone had to be hurtful. And he is “tired of living a lie”? Who wants to be intimate someone who has an offensive odor of alcohol creeping out of their skin.? My take on your post, he want to drink, get drunk , and have sex, and if you do not cooperate , you are the horrible unreasonable person. You and your child deserve better.

Would you entertain a separation? I am just trying to understand what you are able/willing to do at this time to help you and your child live in some assemblance of normalcy.

hopeful4

Who knows if he is or is not, but you sound like you are in a bad place. You deserve more. Keep in mind, the behaviors you tolerate are modeled to your daughter. I learned this the hard way w/my own children.

Big hugs.

ladyscribbler

I spent a lot of time trying to decipher my ex's words and actions. I thought it would keep me safer if I "knew" or "thought I knew" what he might be thinking or planning.

When I don't feel safe in a relationship with someone, that's my mechanism for protection. I learned as a child to tiptoe around everyone's moods, to take the "emotional temperature" of a situation in order to adjust my mood or behavior.

My ex used to rant about me not wanting to sleep with him. He felt entitled to intimacy with me no matter what I wanted, even if he couldn't actually do anything. I was supposed to be at his beck and call and everything in the world was always my fault.

It wasn't the drinking, the fights, the lack of intimacy that caused most of our problems. It was his overwhelming sense of entitlement. That was what allowed him to abuse us all and finally escalate to physical violence against me and the kids.

A few weeks ago, your husband put his hands around your throat and tried to choke the life out of you. You were concerned about him driving drunk and tried to take his keys. He wanted the half-bottle of vodka he'd stashed in the car and was willing to kill you over it. Forgive me, but I think that's probably the real elephant in the room.

Guessing what he might do next isn't going to keep you safe. I thought I could stay one step ahead too; it doesn't work that way. Please take care.

ETA: You might want to search for posts by a user named Florence. She was very active when I first came here, and was dealing with an AH and an NPD ex. I remember she had a lot of great insights navigating a very tough situation.