Did I make the right decision to break up with him?
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Join Date: May 2018
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Did I make the right decision to break up with him?
Hello Everyone.
My name is Belle and I am so happy that I found this forum. I have been reading around this site extensively and educating myself about alcoholism. I have learned that high-functioning alcoholism is simply a stage of alcoholism which is sure to get worse........ and this is where my struggle begins. I have read so many stories over the past few months regarding the unfortunate stories and progression of alcoholism. You would think that these hundreds of stories would be enough to deter me, but the truth is I miss my ex very much and wonder if I should have stuck with him and not left him. I'm also even questioning whether he just has a drinking problem or whether he is an alcoholic. Here's my brief story:
I broke up with my ex early in January this year and have had zero contact with him ever since. We were together for a year and three months. This is our second breakup. We were truly in love with each other and were deeply committed. We were in a long distance relationship but we spoke to each other at length everyday, and saw each other every 7 to 12 days. We spent all holidays together and took lots of vacation time to be with each other. We told each other that we loved each other every single day. We connected deeply on a physical, sexual, intellectual and emotional level. We just loved being around each other. He did things for me that no one else has and I did the same for him. We were equals in the relationship and we got along pretty well. All that said, there were some incidents and concerns related to his drinking.
He loves to drink beers primarily on the weekends. When I first met him, I observed how much he drank, which was a few beers in one sitting and felt that it was a lot, however, since he never showed signs of being drunk, then I did not make it an issue. He starts each weekend by drinking 2- 4, 16 oz margaritas on a Friday night. On Saturdays, he drinks beers all throughout the day. On Sundays he drinks a few beers. Most of the time, he is able to handle his drinks very well, and doesn't get drunk. There were about five or six incidents throughout our relationship where he drank quite a bit and got drunk, and that concerned me. On two occasions he went out of state and got so drunk that he couldn't find his way back home and slept out on the streets. He got robbed, got his phone stolen, and hurt himself badly running after some homeless guy who stole his money. He also started adding shots to his beers and would get really drunk at home on weekends sometimes. He would always want me to babysit him when we went out in public, expecting me to drive home after a night of him drinking too much.
The first time we broke up was because of his irresponsible behavior due to his drinking and staying out all night. The second time we got back together, he was drunk in public the first weekend after we had reconciled. The other sleeping out in public incident happened a few weeks after that. At this point, I had a serious talk with him and told him that I could not be with him if he continued to drink like this and make such a responsible decisions with his life. Our fights are never nasty. He has never insulted, yelled at, or berated me. He just tries to find ways to deny that he has a drinking problem. The truth is, he did try to make some changes when he got back together with me the second time. He decided that he would cut back on his drinking. I don't think this worked too well, as I believe deep down in his heart he wanted to drink, and felt that he couldn't do that with me in the picture. Most of our fights were over his drinking and he flat out told me that his drinking wouldn't change. This made me sad, because this is a man who has so much going for himself. He has a dream job, takes care of his home, loves his family, is kind, intelligent, very sweet, respectful, can do and fix just about everything, and I feel like he is throwing away his life. One time, I had to call the police to help find him because he was supposed to have come home from a night out at midnight and didn't come back home until 7:00 in the morning due to sleeping out on the streets. Our most recent breakup stemmed from the fact that he took at least 4 to 5 hours to respond to my text messages over a three day period. I suspected that he was drinking but didn't say anything about my suspicions. I just told him that i didn't think it was okay to treat me this way. He didn't talk to me for days after this. To make a long story short, since I had not heard from him in days, I sent him a long message telling him that I did not believe that we would work out if he were to continue to behave this way and treat me this way. He simply sent a text back and said that he agreed and that we should break up. I was devastated.
Since then, I haven't contacted him, nor has he contacted me. We definitely loved each other, and I believe that maybe I could have been more patient with him. I still love him very much, but part of me believes that he felt that I was getting in the way of his drinking, and that as long as he was with me, he would not be able to drink as much as he wanted to. A big part of me also wonders if he really is an alcoholic, or if he is just a man with a drinking problem that he needs to work on. I am mentally strong, and I do not plan to contact him at all, but, I trust and value all of your knowledge and experience. In your opinion, do you believe that he would have gotten worse, or do you believe that his problem wasn't big enough for me to run away from? I almost feel like I'm a quitter and that I gave up on our love. I am so sorry, that this is such a long message which is all over the place. Thank you all so much for your help.
My name is Belle and I am so happy that I found this forum. I have been reading around this site extensively and educating myself about alcoholism. I have learned that high-functioning alcoholism is simply a stage of alcoholism which is sure to get worse........ and this is where my struggle begins. I have read so many stories over the past few months regarding the unfortunate stories and progression of alcoholism. You would think that these hundreds of stories would be enough to deter me, but the truth is I miss my ex very much and wonder if I should have stuck with him and not left him. I'm also even questioning whether he just has a drinking problem or whether he is an alcoholic. Here's my brief story:
I broke up with my ex early in January this year and have had zero contact with him ever since. We were together for a year and three months. This is our second breakup. We were truly in love with each other and were deeply committed. We were in a long distance relationship but we spoke to each other at length everyday, and saw each other every 7 to 12 days. We spent all holidays together and took lots of vacation time to be with each other. We told each other that we loved each other every single day. We connected deeply on a physical, sexual, intellectual and emotional level. We just loved being around each other. He did things for me that no one else has and I did the same for him. We were equals in the relationship and we got along pretty well. All that said, there were some incidents and concerns related to his drinking.
He loves to drink beers primarily on the weekends. When I first met him, I observed how much he drank, which was a few beers in one sitting and felt that it was a lot, however, since he never showed signs of being drunk, then I did not make it an issue. He starts each weekend by drinking 2- 4, 16 oz margaritas on a Friday night. On Saturdays, he drinks beers all throughout the day. On Sundays he drinks a few beers. Most of the time, he is able to handle his drinks very well, and doesn't get drunk. There were about five or six incidents throughout our relationship where he drank quite a bit and got drunk, and that concerned me. On two occasions he went out of state and got so drunk that he couldn't find his way back home and slept out on the streets. He got robbed, got his phone stolen, and hurt himself badly running after some homeless guy who stole his money. He also started adding shots to his beers and would get really drunk at home on weekends sometimes. He would always want me to babysit him when we went out in public, expecting me to drive home after a night of him drinking too much.
The first time we broke up was because of his irresponsible behavior due to his drinking and staying out all night. The second time we got back together, he was drunk in public the first weekend after we had reconciled. The other sleeping out in public incident happened a few weeks after that. At this point, I had a serious talk with him and told him that I could not be with him if he continued to drink like this and make such a responsible decisions with his life. Our fights are never nasty. He has never insulted, yelled at, or berated me. He just tries to find ways to deny that he has a drinking problem. The truth is, he did try to make some changes when he got back together with me the second time. He decided that he would cut back on his drinking. I don't think this worked too well, as I believe deep down in his heart he wanted to drink, and felt that he couldn't do that with me in the picture. Most of our fights were over his drinking and he flat out told me that his drinking wouldn't change. This made me sad, because this is a man who has so much going for himself. He has a dream job, takes care of his home, loves his family, is kind, intelligent, very sweet, respectful, can do and fix just about everything, and I feel like he is throwing away his life. One time, I had to call the police to help find him because he was supposed to have come home from a night out at midnight and didn't come back home until 7:00 in the morning due to sleeping out on the streets. Our most recent breakup stemmed from the fact that he took at least 4 to 5 hours to respond to my text messages over a three day period. I suspected that he was drinking but didn't say anything about my suspicions. I just told him that i didn't think it was okay to treat me this way. He didn't talk to me for days after this. To make a long story short, since I had not heard from him in days, I sent him a long message telling him that I did not believe that we would work out if he were to continue to behave this way and treat me this way. He simply sent a text back and said that he agreed and that we should break up. I was devastated.
Since then, I haven't contacted him, nor has he contacted me. We definitely loved each other, and I believe that maybe I could have been more patient with him. I still love him very much, but part of me believes that he felt that I was getting in the way of his drinking, and that as long as he was with me, he would not be able to drink as much as he wanted to. A big part of me also wonders if he really is an alcoholic, or if he is just a man with a drinking problem that he needs to work on. I am mentally strong, and I do not plan to contact him at all, but, I trust and value all of your knowledge and experience. In your opinion, do you believe that he would have gotten worse, or do you believe that his problem wasn't big enough for me to run away from? I almost feel like I'm a quitter and that I gave up on our love. I am so sorry, that this is such a long message which is all over the place. Thank you all so much for your help.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
It sounds like you've made a very healthy decision for yourself to break up with him.
Three C's of recovery:
1. I didn't Cause it (the drinking)
2. I can't Control it
3. I can't Cure it
No Contact can be very healing.
A therapist or counselor who specializes in family recovery from addictions may be helpful. The disease of alcoholism greatly affects all who've been close to it. (((hugs)))
Three C's of recovery:
1. I didn't Cause it (the drinking)
2. I can't Control it
3. I can't Cure it
No Contact can be very healing.
A therapist or counselor who specializes in family recovery from addictions may be helpful. The disease of alcoholism greatly affects all who've been close to it. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Belle...from what you describe, it sounds like he is pretty far along in his disease.....
Once person has become addicted, they cannot return to drinking at all...ever again....
alcoholism is progressive...meaning that it will become worse over time....even if they stop drinking for periods of time.....when they return to drinking, it is as if they never stopped.....
One person cannot make a relationship work. It takes two people mutually wanting to be together and both willing to do whatever it takes......
Once person has become addicted, they cannot return to drinking at all...ever again....
alcoholism is progressive...meaning that it will become worse over time....even if they stop drinking for periods of time.....when they return to drinking, it is as if they never stopped.....
One person cannot make a relationship work. It takes two people mutually wanting to be together and both willing to do whatever it takes......
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Join Date: May 2018
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Belle...from what you describe, it sounds like he is pretty far along in his disease.....
Once person has become addicted, they cannot return to drinking at all...ever again....
alcoholism is progressive...meaning that it will become worse over time....even if they stop drinking for periods of time.....when they return to drinking, it is as if they never stopped.....
One person cannot make a relationship work. It takes two people mutually wanting to be together and both willing to do whatever it takes......
Once person has become addicted, they cannot return to drinking at all...ever again....
alcoholism is progressive...meaning that it will become worse over time....even if they stop drinking for periods of time.....when they return to drinking, it is as if they never stopped.....
One person cannot make a relationship work. It takes two people mutually wanting to be together and both willing to do whatever it takes......
Hi dandylion,
Thank you so much for this. He would constantly say that he is fine and does not believe he has a problem, because he has never been to jail, never gotten into a car accident, never gotten badly hurt, never gotten killed. etc. He even told me that he believes he has 20 lives, and that nothing will ever happen to him. He claims that he has been drinking like this all of his life and that as long as he continues to drink the way he does, then he will always be OK. I told him that I believed that it's just a matter of time before he starts to see the consequences, but he really doesn't believe me. He is 44 years old and he believes that if his drinking was a problem, then he would have experienced all of the negative consequences by now. He also believes that because he works out regularly and drinks a lot of water, that he is 100% healthy and fine. I just do not understand this thought process. It has to catch up to him sometime. I am sorry for sounding like a mean person here, but I almost wish that he would experience harsh consequences so that he could learn his lesson and get himself on the right path. But, oh well .......
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Join Date: May 2018
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Originally Posted by Mango212
It sounds like you've made a very healthy decision for yourself to break up with him.
Three C's of recovery:
1. I didn't Cause it (the drinking)
2. I can't Control it
3. I can't Cure it
No Contact can be very healing.
A therapist or counselor who specializes in family recovery from addictions may be helpful. The disease of alcoholism greatly affects all who've been close to it. (((hugs)))
Three C's of recovery:
1. I didn't Cause it (the drinking)
2. I can't Control it
3. I can't Cure it
No Contact can be very healing.
A therapist or counselor who specializes in family recovery from addictions may be helpful. The disease of alcoholism greatly affects all who've been close to it. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Hi Belletifemme18 and welcome,
Sorry for what has brought you here today. I think it’s very normal to miss the person you were in love with. But those feelings do not mean you go back into a situation that caused you hurt, pain, anxiety, worry.
I think it’s a good indication that he’s not reached out to you that he is ok with the relationship being over.
Get busy with your life, look forward in life not backwards, there is nothing new going on back there!
It takes time to process endings and it can get very uncomfortable sitting with our feelings of loss, remorse, regret but I think you did make a wise decision for yourself.
Sorry for what has brought you here today. I think it’s very normal to miss the person you were in love with. But those feelings do not mean you go back into a situation that caused you hurt, pain, anxiety, worry.
I think it’s a good indication that he’s not reached out to you that he is ok with the relationship being over.
Get busy with your life, look forward in life not backwards, there is nothing new going on back there!
It takes time to process endings and it can get very uncomfortable sitting with our feelings of loss, remorse, regret but I think you did make a wise decision for yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Originally Posted by Belletifemme18
Hi dandylion,
Thank you so much for this. He would constantly say that he is fine and does not believe he has a problem
Thank you so much for this. He would constantly say that he is fine and does not believe he has a problem
He is fine and doesn't have a problem with his drinking. You have a problem with his drinking.
The statement that as long as he keeps drinking the way he has he will be ok. How has he been drinking? You mention he started adding shots to his beer, progression.
As with all addictions, you have to keep taking more and more of the drug to get the same effect. Whether the drug is heroin or alcohol, you must up the consumption to get the desired affect.
A big part of me also wonders if he really is an alcoholic, or if he is just a man with a drinking problem that he needs to work on. I am mentally strong, and I do not plan to contact him at all, but, I trust and value all of your knowledge and experience. In your opinion, do you believe that he would have gotten worse, or do you believe that his problem wasn't big enough for me to run away from? I almost feel like I'm a quitter and that I gave up on our love.
Was his problem big enough for you to run away from? You have boundaries, he was treating you in a way that was unacceptable to you, you left. There is nothing wrong with that. You're not a quitter, you can't fix this, no amount of patience can fix alcoholism. The only chance he has at recovery has to come from him and he has made it quite clear that he is not about to quit drinking.
If you were wanting to be back in a relationship with this man you just have to ask yourself if you are ok with that. You would have to accept his drinking. Are you prepared to do that?
As Mango said, you didn't cause it, can't cure it and absolutely cannot control it (or him).
I'm sorry you are hurt and also glad that you are getting help going through this. Keep posting.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Hi Belletifemme18 and welcome,
Sorry for what has brought you here today. I think it’s very normal to miss the person you were in love with. But those feelings do not mean you go back into a situation that caused you hurt, pain, anxiety, worry.
I think it’s a good indication that he’s not reached out to you that he is ok with the relationship being over.
Get busy with your life, look forward in life not backwards, there is nothing new going on back there!
It takes time to process endings and it can get very uncomfortable sitting with our feelings of loss, remorse, regret but I think you did make a wise decision for yourself.
Sorry for what has brought you here today. I think it’s very normal to miss the person you were in love with. But those feelings do not mean you go back into a situation that caused you hurt, pain, anxiety, worry.
I think it’s a good indication that he’s not reached out to you that he is ok with the relationship being over.
Get busy with your life, look forward in life not backwards, there is nothing new going on back there!
It takes time to process endings and it can get very uncomfortable sitting with our feelings of loss, remorse, regret but I think you did make a wise decision for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 27
The statement that as long as he keeps drinking the way he has he will be ok. How has he been drinking? You mention he started adding shots to his beer, progression.
Does it matter in the bigger picture? You can't control his drinking and he wants to drink, what you label it is of no importance.
Was his problem big enough for you to run away from? You have boundaries, he was treating you in a way that was unacceptable to you, you left. There is nothing wrong with that. You're not a quitter, you can't fix this, no amount of patience can fix alcoholism. The only chance he has at recovery has to come from him and he has made it quite clear that he is not about to quit drinking.
If you were wanting to be back in a relationship with this man you just have to ask yourself if you are ok with that. You would have to accept his drinking. Are you prepared to do that?
As Mango said, you didn't cause it, can't cure it and absolutely cannot control it (or him).
I'm sorry you are hurt and also glad that you are getting help going through this. Keep posting.[/QUOTE]
Thank you so much Trailmix. You just lifted me up and I appreciate it so much. As much as it hurt to hear this, it's the truth. I just have to believe that there is a better partner out there for me, as, besides his drinking we were so enamored with each other. But it's clear that he has a much deeper love for alcohol than he does for me and that's the part that hurts. All of you are right. No amount of love that I give to him will make him want to quit drinking. I just have to accept that.
Does it matter in the bigger picture? You can't control his drinking and he wants to drink, what you label it is of no importance.
Was his problem big enough for you to run away from? You have boundaries, he was treating you in a way that was unacceptable to you, you left. There is nothing wrong with that. You're not a quitter, you can't fix this, no amount of patience can fix alcoholism. The only chance he has at recovery has to come from him and he has made it quite clear that he is not about to quit drinking.
If you were wanting to be back in a relationship with this man you just have to ask yourself if you are ok with that. You would have to accept his drinking. Are you prepared to do that?
As Mango said, you didn't cause it, can't cure it and absolutely cannot control it (or him).
I'm sorry you are hurt and also glad that you are getting help going through this. Keep posting.[/QUOTE]
Thank you so much Trailmix. You just lifted me up and I appreciate it so much. As much as it hurt to hear this, it's the truth. I just have to believe that there is a better partner out there for me, as, besides his drinking we were so enamored with each other. But it's clear that he has a much deeper love for alcohol than he does for me and that's the part that hurts. All of you are right. No amount of love that I give to him will make him want to quit drinking. I just have to accept that.
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B18
All of what you saw was in a long distance relationship. What would that have looked like had you guys lived together....
What I'm reading is NOT normal and is a pretty active alcoholic. You can't help him, fix him, but you can hurt him by showing him it's ok behavior and get back together with him. You will be also be a causality of HIS drinking.
OR
You could love him from afar and thank God you walked away to find someone else who will not only be normal but also cherish you in the way you should be treated.
AG
All of what you saw was in a long distance relationship. What would that have looked like had you guys lived together....
What I'm reading is NOT normal and is a pretty active alcoholic. You can't help him, fix him, but you can hurt him by showing him it's ok behavior and get back together with him. You will be also be a causality of HIS drinking.
OR
You could love him from afar and thank God you walked away to find someone else who will not only be normal but also cherish you in the way you should be treated.
AG
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
Yes you made the right decision! You said you only saw him every 7-12 days, and if he couldn't and wouldn't stay sober those few days a month to see you he has a problem. I would even go as far to bet that he drank a lot more than you realize during the week too. I know how hard and sad it is to realize he choose alcohol over you, but you are strong and got this!
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I'm with SparkleKitty. Some people are not "safe" to discuss addicted exes with.
I would vet my friend list very carefully and not discuss it with people who haven't gone through this.
I'm from the alcoholism side, but I came into recovery due to my horrible relationships with other dysfunctional people in my life. I had to stop discussing my recovery with them, because they were the proverbial crabs in a bucket - pulling me back down to where they were comfortable.
As an alcoholic in recovery myself I can tell you that he is very far gone. Alcoholism is for the most part a self-diagnosis unless and until it starts affecting the outside parts of someone's life. Like his has.
YOU had a problem with his drinking - and rightly so, even if he is still in denial. You absolutely did the right thing. Many alcoholics can be charming and charismatic for a very long time but there is a dark side, and that dark side gradually takes over. You have dodged a missile. Not just a bullet, a full-on heat-seeking soul-sucking possessed missile. And yeah. You don't even know the half of it if you don't live in the same town.
Lesson learned for me. No more long distance romances and no more people in my life with "drinking problems." First sign and I'm out.
I would vet my friend list very carefully and not discuss it with people who haven't gone through this.
I'm from the alcoholism side, but I came into recovery due to my horrible relationships with other dysfunctional people in my life. I had to stop discussing my recovery with them, because they were the proverbial crabs in a bucket - pulling me back down to where they were comfortable.
As an alcoholic in recovery myself I can tell you that he is very far gone. Alcoholism is for the most part a self-diagnosis unless and until it starts affecting the outside parts of someone's life. Like his has.
YOU had a problem with his drinking - and rightly so, even if he is still in denial. You absolutely did the right thing. Many alcoholics can be charming and charismatic for a very long time but there is a dark side, and that dark side gradually takes over. You have dodged a missile. Not just a bullet, a full-on heat-seeking soul-sucking possessed missile. And yeah. You don't even know the half of it if you don't live in the same town.
Lesson learned for me. No more long distance romances and no more people in my life with "drinking problems." First sign and I'm out.
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I suppose drinking was much more important than our relationship.
I think your friend you talked to doesn’t fully understand alcoholism or drinking issues. Many who’ve never experienced it for themselves don’t’ get it. This is where al-anon or posting here is a big help.
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Thank you so much SparkleKitty, AlwaysGrowing, Chevfb7, biminiblue and everyone who has responded so far. I'm sitting here in tears and I am so overwhelmed and thankful for the support and honest answers that I am receiving from all of you.
Yes, most of my friends believe that I have made the right decision to leave him, however there are a few who make me feel guilty for leaving, and make me feel like I did not stick by his side when things got tough. Well, I feel betrayed by him as well, because as Chevfb7 stated, I truly believe that he hid the extent of his drinking from me, due to the fact that we were in a long-distance relationship. In hindsight, there were times when I could not reach him for hours, and he would claim that he was asleep, where I could tell by the sound of his voice that he may have been drinking. I honestly can't say that he was drunk every single time that we met, however there were too many instances in my opinion where he was drunk and displayed behaviors that were unbecoming of a gentleman, and unbecoming of the man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We were even discussing marriage at one point, and suddenly he decided that he no longer wanted to get married. Something in my heart tells me that I would have found out a lot more about his drinking than I had seen at face value. biminiblue, thank you for your powerful words. They gave me goosebumps. I suppose I really did in fact dodge a huge missile and for that I am grateful. All of you are 100% right. I'm just trying to work through all of the emotions and the pain.
AlwaysGrowing, I spent about four weeks living with him when we took an extended vacation, and he got drunk three out of the four weekends that we had been together. I was stunned! I guess everything is becoming clearer to me. Thank you so much to all of you for being there for me. I just need to stay strong, but it doesn't take away the fact that it hurts, and that I still love him. On many occasions, he as well as his family told me that I made him a much better man. I just don't get it! I am trying my best and doing the work that I need to, to completely heal from this, and to become 100% emotionally healthy again. I'm sorry I'm all over the place with my posts. I hope they are making sense. Thank you all.
Yes, most of my friends believe that I have made the right decision to leave him, however there are a few who make me feel guilty for leaving, and make me feel like I did not stick by his side when things got tough. Well, I feel betrayed by him as well, because as Chevfb7 stated, I truly believe that he hid the extent of his drinking from me, due to the fact that we were in a long-distance relationship. In hindsight, there were times when I could not reach him for hours, and he would claim that he was asleep, where I could tell by the sound of his voice that he may have been drinking. I honestly can't say that he was drunk every single time that we met, however there were too many instances in my opinion where he was drunk and displayed behaviors that were unbecoming of a gentleman, and unbecoming of the man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We were even discussing marriage at one point, and suddenly he decided that he no longer wanted to get married. Something in my heart tells me that I would have found out a lot more about his drinking than I had seen at face value. biminiblue, thank you for your powerful words. They gave me goosebumps. I suppose I really did in fact dodge a huge missile and for that I am grateful. All of you are 100% right. I'm just trying to work through all of the emotions and the pain.
AlwaysGrowing, I spent about four weeks living with him when we took an extended vacation, and he got drunk three out of the four weekends that we had been together. I was stunned! I guess everything is becoming clearer to me. Thank you so much to all of you for being there for me. I just need to stay strong, but it doesn't take away the fact that it hurts, and that I still love him. On many occasions, he as well as his family told me that I made him a much better man. I just don't get it! I am trying my best and doing the work that I need to, to completely heal from this, and to become 100% emotionally healthy again. I'm sorry I'm all over the place with my posts. I hope they are making sense. Thank you all.
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Originally Posted by atalose
I know that is how you feel, like he made a conscious choice to pick drinking over you but that’s not how alcoholism works. His addiction lives in the same part of his brain that tells him to breath. It’s never a choice it’s more of an instinct for them, something they feel they cannot let go of. He didn’t drink at you, or because of you, or pick it over you…….he’s doing what alcoholics do. It’s hard not to take it personally but once you wrap your mind around the fact he’d always pick it over a relationship no matter who he was with it helps to ease the pain.
I think your friend you talked to doesn’t fully understand alcoholism or drinking issues. Many who’ve never experienced it for themselves don’t’ get it. This is where al-anon or posting here is a big help.
I think your friend you talked to doesn’t fully understand alcoholism or drinking issues. Many who’ve never experienced it for themselves don’t’ get it. This is where al-anon or posting here is a big help.
Thank you atalose. I am working on not taking it personally. Well, he is 44 years old and his longest relationships (4 of them) have lasted just over one year. He has never been married, never been engaged, has no children, and has always been in very short term relationships that have lasted only a few months. Something in my heart tells me that all of his breakups had to do with his drinking. He always said that all of his ex-girlfriend's are crazy. I've always thought that there's no way that this can be true. He is the common denominator in all of these relationships and they never last so I believe that his drinking was an issue in those relationships. Also, all four of his so-called longest relationships were long distance. Go figure right? I believe that he purposefully seeks out long distance relationships, so that the women would never be able to tell the true extent of his drinking. That's just my opinion.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Belle...if you really want to understand what happens in the brain of the alcoholic.....you might want to read the following book....
"The addicted Brain".....by Michael Kuhar…….You can get it, used, from amazon.com.
If you want to understand more about how alcoholism affects the loved ones....the following link to our extensive library of articles will help. Over 100 articles...enough for you to read and digest one every day for the next hundred days...lol....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
"The addicted Brain".....by Michael Kuhar…….You can get it, used, from amazon.com.
If you want to understand more about how alcoholism affects the loved ones....the following link to our extensive library of articles will help. Over 100 articles...enough for you to read and digest one every day for the next hundred days...lol....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Absolutely you are making sense Belletifemme. For the advice given to you to stand by him and his drinking - perhaps apply what you have learned.
You mention that you have been reading around and you have some understanding of alcoholism now. Before all this how much did you know? Did you think people who drank too much (I mean huge drinkers, or weekend binge drinkers etc etc) just liked to drink? Whether that was to drown their sorrows or just party, did you know about the changes to the brain? Did you understand at all the compulsion to drink that alcoholics have?
I grew up in a household with an alcoholic that never had treatment or recovery and I didn't know! To be honest I didn't really question why he drank, growing up with a drinker just is the way it is. I actually didn't care why he drank.
Point being, there is no way people who have no knowledge of alcoholism can understand. Maybe they think he could get married and "settle down" and have children and this silly drinking/partying thing will disappear. You now know that's not going to happen (they don't know).
Of course you made him a "better man" - it would seem he was curbing his drinking for you. You mention he drank 3 of the 4 weekends of your vacation. That probably took an incredible amount of will power on his part. Most alcoholics can abstain for short periods.
Your decision is clear headed and shows care for yourself.
You mention that you have been reading around and you have some understanding of alcoholism now. Before all this how much did you know? Did you think people who drank too much (I mean huge drinkers, or weekend binge drinkers etc etc) just liked to drink? Whether that was to drown their sorrows or just party, did you know about the changes to the brain? Did you understand at all the compulsion to drink that alcoholics have?
I grew up in a household with an alcoholic that never had treatment or recovery and I didn't know! To be honest I didn't really question why he drank, growing up with a drinker just is the way it is. I actually didn't care why he drank.
Point being, there is no way people who have no knowledge of alcoholism can understand. Maybe they think he could get married and "settle down" and have children and this silly drinking/partying thing will disappear. You now know that's not going to happen (they don't know).
Of course you made him a "better man" - it would seem he was curbing his drinking for you. You mention he drank 3 of the 4 weekends of your vacation. That probably took an incredible amount of will power on his part. Most alcoholics can abstain for short periods.
Your decision is clear headed and shows care for yourself.
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