Notices

Shame after shame/Humiliations after humiliations

Old 05-29-2018, 11:54 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
Shame after shame/Humiliations after humiliations

So many times i’ve had real bad episodes of blackouts and yet i still drink. This time is worst! I have been told that i was at an homeless camp naked. I cant help but cry these days thinking about it😢. I have been told that i might have been sexually assaulted. I was completely out of it. Dont have any recollection of that night. It makes me so sick trying to remember. The guilt i feel everyday looking at my husband and my children not knowing what had happened to me that particular night tore me up. I just want to die. I just feel so violated&it wasnt noones fault but mine for choosing to drink! How do i forgive myself and how do i live with myself not knowing what really happened? Im even considering going to the cops. The nerves of the homeless man to brag about something that considers a rape got me sick to my stomach. How do handle all of these? I really just want to die!!
Noona88 is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 12:11 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'm being as kind as possible here,but if you don't know/remember what happened, that'd be pretty messed up to blame a homeless dude. Just my opinion.
DontRemember is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 12:13 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
I'm really sorry to hear all that Noona.

I hope you do go to the police but at the very least get yourself tested for STDs and the like. Hopefully the results will be negative.

Many of here understand - we've put ourselves into horrible situations we never would as sober people. This really is the last time ever you have to feel this way

welcome to the community

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 01:04 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
I'm being as kind as possible here,but if you don't know/remember what happened, that'd be pretty messed up to blame a homeless dude. Just my opinion.

You are entitled to your opinion and just to be clear i am not blaming anyone but myself. I just dont think and feel it’s right for anyone to get sexually assaulted when they are incoherent!
Noona88 is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 01:21 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
joandmelandhan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Noona honey I say this with love and kindness but you've got to find the strength to stop this honey.
Sexual assault is wrong. You are not to blame in any way. Please do not carry that burden.
BUT
Your addiction is putting you in frankly dangerous situations. Time to call time on the drinking as a matter of urgency honey.
Addiction just loves guilt and shame. Loves it! Well tough luck because today you are going to get your life back. Today can be the first day of the rest of your life. Please make today your day 1.
I say this again. Do not blame yourself blame your addiction. Sexual assault is wrong. Very wrong.
You may wish to look for the Class of May 2018 and join others seeking sobriety this month. Also the 24 hour thread is a wonderful place where you can check in and commit to you sobriety each day.
SR made all the difference for me and I really hope you stick around and get the support you need.
Take care ❤❤❤
joandmelandhan is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 03:20 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
yinzer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 780
Welcome! A lot of us have a lot of stories we would probably not like to tell.
Put down the booze for good. Today! And see a counselor to work through your feelings about that episode.
yinzer is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 03:37 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Hears The Voice
 
Nonsensical's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome to SR!

What's your plan for staying sober?
Nonsensical is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 05:12 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
Just for the record I agree with Jo on both these counts

Sexual assault is wrong. You are not to blame in any way. Please do not carry that burden.
BUT
Your addiction is putting you in frankly dangerous situations
If members can't be supportive, for any reason, there's plenty of other threads to post on.

Dee
Moderator
SR
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 06:18 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Oh my gosh that would be terrifying. I have had some serious crazy happen when in a black out and its not a huge leap for me to see something awful like that happening to me. I mean, I'm blacked out. Gone.

But in order to recover I have to put the past in the past. That shame and fear will only keep me tethered to my addiction. There's the good ole serenity prayer....the courage to do what I can, and let go of what I can't impact.

You can impact getting tested for STD's as was mentioned. Just do that, don't ponder it. It sounds like you had friends who were with you. Know that you do have the right to tell the police, have your friends help you with the details of the 'where's' and the 'who's'. I know that is stressful. I had to report an assault, thankfully only physical, 4 days after it happened. I barely remembered a thing...but when I finally went to the hospital for treatment (broken ribs and nose) they had a detective speak with me. It didn't really accomplish much but they were very understanding. The assault also happened in my house which was really scary cause the person knows where I live. So they had a patrol guy around my place at night for about a week. It just felt 'better' even tho I was pretty sure nothing would come of it. Ugh.

I have done a lot of REALLY sketchy things when drunk. I have these memory bubbles, where stuff will just pop up from the past. And I'll have that 'oh GAWD' feeling. That 'I can't believe I did that or that happened' feeling. That shame starts to charge back. But I stop it. THAT was THEN. THIS is NOW. It is over and done. I NEVER have to feel that or do that again. EVER. I never have to be that person again. As long as I stay sober. I dunno. I find relief in that. There is no relief in shame.
entropy1964 is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 07:02 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
I could see peace instead of this
 
Bird615's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
I think this is the sort of thing that can happen to a lot of alcoholic women; I was one of them. The guilt and shame were unbearable and I sometimes can't believe I didn't end up dead from the dangerous situations I ended up in.

What made me want to try AA was being told that one day, I'd be able to look people in the eye again.
Bird615 is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 08:11 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Originally Posted by Bird615 View Post
What made me want to try AA was being told that one day, I'd be able to look people in the eye again.
Noona, I don’t know about you, but I think this is one of the most profoundly encouraging things I’ve ever seen!

Thank you so much for posting it, Bird!
Gilmer is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 09:01 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
What a hard and scary situation. I want to reiterate what others have said and urge you not to blame yourself in any way. Whatever you decide to do, I support you and wish you health and recovery. Whatever happens next, getting sober is the right move. Start there. ::
ProfessorD is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 10:55 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
StellaBlu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 958
(((Noona)))

I'm sorry for what you are going through. If you even suspect that you have been assaulted in any way, I would go to the police. They have seen a lot of things and should be prepared to help you with this.

I'm sending you strength and encouragement.
Be well.
StellaBlu is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 11:02 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,328
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this and I would also consider going to the police. Sexual assault is not your fault, and you are not to blame. But blackouts are terribly dangerous, especially for women. I had a few blackouts towards the end of my drinking days and I still feel the fear when I think of them. Those are times that will never be remembered.

Please take care of yourself.
Anna is online now  
Old 05-30-2018, 11:07 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,415
Noona - I'm so glad you came here to talk about what happened.
Every time alcohol was in my system, dangerous & unpredictable things happened. I had to quit to save myself from disaster, or even death. I hope you'll consider it. I say this with love & no judgment.

I hope you'll continue to post - it may help with the fear & anxiety you're feeling.
Hevyn is online now  
Old 05-30-2018, 03:30 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think that first and foremost it is essential that you stop drinking NOW. that way you are assured you will not experience another black out and the dread of wondering what you might have done under the influence, where and with whom. so you do whatever it takes to stop - be that rehab, working with your doctor, AA, SMART........whatever it takes, no excuses, NOW.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 10:58 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
I'm being as kind as possible here,but if you don't know/remember what happened, that'd be pretty messed up to blame a homeless dude. Just my opinion.
I'd hate to see what you post when you are being unkind.
Soberween is offline  
Old 05-30-2018, 11:50 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
 
Gottalife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Noona, welcome to SR. I hope we cane give you some hope.

I don't believe for a second that you deliberately chose to put yourself in that position. You may think you made a choice to drink, seems logical, you bought it, you poured it, you drank it, but tell me this: Knowing what you knew before you took that fatal first drink, would any sane person make that choice, take that risk?

I don't believe you are bad or stupid, I think it is possible you are suffering from a serious illness called alcoholism, and have possibly progressed beyond the point where even the most powerful desire to stop, isnt enough.

That was the point I reached. Having made hundreds of genuine firm decisions to stop for good, and generally not able to carry through for more than a few days, I came to realise I had lost the power of choice in drink. Many tried to help, but I seemed to be hopeless. That was the point at which I turned to AA, the only place I knew who had a solution for those so hopeless they could no longer choose whether to drink or not.

Not many problem drinkers reach that point. In fact the ones that didn't are in the majority and theyoften make the mistake of assuming that because they could just decide not to drink and make that decision stick, you can too.

Well maybe you can, I don't know, but I know for someone like me, someone constantly telling me I can do something that I obviously cannot - just don't drink - is the greatest source if despair I have ever come across. Why can't I do that?

Yet I did find a way out, a way to put an end to the misery, and a way to live without alcohol that has been satisfying to say the least. PM me if I can help.
Gottalife is offline  
Old 05-31-2018, 04:22 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Noona88 View Post
You are entitled to your opinion and just to be clear i am not blaming anyone but myself. I just dont think and feel it’s right for anyone to get sexually assaulted when they are incoherent!
You are right and your thoughts about the sexual assault thing are 100% valid.

I hope you see that there's two separate issues here. If you were assaulted or believe you were do what you feel you need to to deal with it - police, health testing, therapy, all of the above, whatever. Seriously, it's a serious thing.

The other issue is the root cause. The booze. You ask how to forgive yourself etc., etc. Well, for now stop worrying about that. The answer is to take the first step and detox. Stop drinking. Make it a priority to start educating yourself about the nature of your relationship with alcohol. Make it THE priority.

The bigger questions you have can either be dealt with down the road or - you'll find - some questions end up not needing answers. Time has a way of dealing with things without a need for our interference and control.

So yea, keep things straightforward. Stop drinking. Start educating yourself. Knowledge is power. Don't be a victim.

Best-

B
Buckley3 is offline  
Old 05-31-2018, 07:59 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
I want to thank everyone for the supports and encouragements. It really does help hearing what others have gone through and what really helps is being positive about staying sober. Honestly i really dont drink everyday,but that doesnt mean im not an alcoholic. I can go on for weeks bein sober,but when i do grab the bottle it is endless. I just have the needs to keep drinking and drinking until i pass out or completely out of it! I am ashamed of all of that. This is probably the worst thing that ever happened to me. I’ve done plenty of craziness,but i’d say this one tops it off!

Anyways this has really brought me to this point where i say “NO MORE” I AM DONE!! I know it’s going to be TOUGH,but it is nothing compared to this shame&guilt i feel every single day. I am using that as a motivation and reminder that drinking is not worth living in shame.
Just as that person Bird says “I want to be able to look people in the eye again.”

Keep me in yalls prayers. Thanks much!
Noona88 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:37 AM.