Wamama48

Before I start, I do know this is HIS recovery. I've stayed out of everything unless he wanted to share, which he does fairly often. He is 53, has been binge drinking since he was 12, then his drinking became a problem (for me) 18 years ago. He is coming up on four months sober, and step 4, which I have heard is a hard one.

After meetings he is usually bubbly, hopeful, talkative and happy. That has carried on into his everyday life, and he has made HUGE changes! Family and friends have noticed, it has made a world of difference in our marriage and with the kids.

Two weeks ago he started to withdraw, is grumpy, irritable, doesn't want to do family things anymore, has lost his motivation and is generally miserable. If I ask him a question I get one words answers usually. This is how he was when he quit at first, until he started AA.

I've asked him what's going on, he says he doesn't know, but thinks it could have something to do with step 4. His sponsor has had a hard time getting together with him, and hes looking for another sponsor.

I've asked him if he just wants me to leave him alone, he said no, but actions speak louder than words. Anyway, I just wondered if you could explain what might be going on. It would help me to be more patient with him and offer support where I can. Right now the kids and I just want to stay gone all day.

PeacefulWater12

In early sobriety our moods are all over the place. Usually to do with chemical changes within us rather than things going on around us. I took a good couple of years to get level and stable.

Wamama48

That makes sense, sometimes his moods are all over the place. Guess I need to keep that in mind and not take it personally. Thanks for the reply.

JudicatorPanzer

Also a step 5 immediately after a step 4 is helpful. Getting a new sponsor who's able to work the steps with him a little faster might help.

Dave42001

has he still been attending meetings on a regular basis?? it's spelled out very clear in the Big Book regarding step 4 and there's tons of sheets to fill out etc..

wishing him the best.. I must say in early recovery my emotions were all over the road!! you're doing the right thing of being supportive.. I pray he keeps going to the club for meetings!! Huge!!

Step 4 is s dig deep, soul searching step.. some spend months, years, others spend days.. we're all different.. some try to micro manage every little issue in their life and others don't... you find out a lot about yourself that's for sure!! Step 5 changed my life forever!! FREEDOM!

Bird615

Step 4 stirred up a lot of pain for me. When I did it, there was a lot of guilt and shame and remorse and negative feelings brought up to stare me right in the face. I could no longer avoid the mess I'd made of things with my drinking and I felt pretty miserable.

Finally, someone asked my if I'd done my 5 yet. When I said no, they quickly helped me set up an appointment for it with someone who was experienced in listening to Step 5.

I still remember walking out from there afterwards. It was early summer morning, the sun was shining and the birds were singing and it felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off of me.

That's when I began to feel alive again and although I still had to go on with the rest of the steps, now I really wanted to.

Berrybean

He could (if he wanted to) find someone else who he could share his step 4 with. Many clergy have experience of doing this and I know people who have used that option when they've felt the need for absolute anonymity due to disclosures of a criminal nature. A counsellor or similar might be another option. Other people have just asked random strangers, but that seems a bit much to me (Maybe I'm a wuss).

Once I'd ploughed through my memories and written inventories I really needed to just get them read. Until that time they are at me.

BB

Wamama48

Yes he's still going to meetings several times a week. We talked last night and he told me it is step 4 that is tripping him up. He is stuck on starting it, and said he doesn't understand it. There is a discrepancy between what the Big Book says, and what the people at AA told him to do, which is to just start writing down resentments. He's stuck on figuring out how the Big Book says to do it, and what his AA group is telling him.

I asked him if I could do anything to help, he said just be here if he needs to talk, and let him have time to think about things. I'm having a really hard time not withdrawing from him, he is hurtful right now.

Anyway, thank you for all of the insight you have shared with me. It REALLY help to understand what he is going through, which helps me to be more compassionate and patient with him, instead of just avoiding him all together.

Wamama48

It made me teary eyed when I read about you walking out of step 5 and noticing the birds singing and the sun shining. I hope that happens for my RAH too. I guess it would be really, really difficult to face all of those painful things you have done in the past. No one wants to face something that they know will shatter their heart.

My RAH is having an especially hard time because he said he honestly doesn't know how to handle feelings. He started drinking at 12 years old, so he never even learned how. He shared with me last night that for the first time since he quit, he really wanted to pick up a beer. That scared me, but I bet it scared him a whole lot more.

Berrybean

Sounds like that search for a new sponsor is a good idea. This is when he needs one who is available to get together.
In the meantime there's plenty of things he can be reading to prepare himself for the task. Big Book, 12 and 12. Plus some great recovery recordings that are available to download and listen to for free. This is where I got mine from... http://www.recoveryaudio.org

I found that 12 and 12 Meetings or Step Study meeting were great places to find people who were very step-focussed. I needed to shake up my meeting schedule a but so those kinds of meetings got included and I could benefit from other people's wisdom and experiences with the steps.

It's not just him. I think the stage he's at can be tough for lots of folk. It's worth sticking with it though.

BB

Grungehead

The fear of step 4 (getting honest with myself about my past) and the fear of then sharing the results with someone else kept me blocked from the promises laid out in the Big Book for 23 years. I stayed sober a good bit of those 23 years (had sober stretches of 6 & 7 years), but I never got past step 3 due to this fear. Then a major crisis would come up in my life and I had no foundation to rely on, and I turned to alcohol to escape the pain. The last time turned into an 8 year relapse that nearly killed me.

It's interesting that in the BB it tells us that resentment is the number one offender, and after completing my 4th & 5th step I came to the realization that FEAR was the predominant driving force behind most of my resentments. It was that same fear that kept me from taking the 4th & 5th steps. Which begs the question...what happened to that decision I made in step 3? I'll leave you with this quote from the BB about what it suggests to do after that decision (a suggestion I finally followed after 23 years).

Alcoholics Anonymous 1st Edition p. 64

Wamama48

Thanks Berrybean. I've copied that link you shared and will pass it on to him. He recorded these two guys on YouTube who talk about each step, he likes to listen to them on his phone. Maybe something to add to his phone recordings.

Dave42001

Grunge, really nailed it... "The fear of step 4 (getting honest with myself about my past)

It says Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.. I would use the BB and not pay much attention to the others, this is a very personal matter..

There's a ton or stuff on the Web and Youtube to get ideas.. and forms on Silkworth.org to fill out and get ideas..

people get hung up on this step trying to write the perfect 4.. personally I don't think that's what its about. remember it;s all about Progress not perfection!!

wishing your husband the best!! Keep him going to the club!!!

Bird615

I did that too--overly complicated it and got myself very confused because I was trying to do it perfect and reading and hearing about all the different ways.

I decided to follow the Big Book as suggested and just do it and get it done as best I could. I could always go back and do another one down the road if I felt the need to and I did do a few more afterwards over the years.

I also discovered too that fear was behind everything for me. It all lead back to fear.

Wamama48

That is exactly what he is doing. He just told me tonight that he wrote a resentment down, then got lost analysing it, then got distracted, then mad because he's "doing it wrong". I have so much respect for him now. I've watched him struggle, fall, get back up, feel like giving up, then get back up and go at it again.

Thank you everyone for helping me really see how hard the struggle is, and what it involves on a day to day basis. I still don't really understand it, I never will, but it's enough to be able to have compassion for him, and see that it is actually an internal life and death fight for him.

sugarbear1

Why not work the steps through Al Anon and have your own recovery experience?

Wamama48

I am seeing a counselor and doing my work with her. Part of my recovery is working through the anger and resentment towards my RAH, and understanding how it affects him. So compassion can one day replace the anger and resentment. 😊

sugarbear1

You won't understand what he's going through.

You'd have to live with alcoholism to understand it. It befuddles me and I live with it.

The steps deal with resentments.....

By working the steps with someone else who knows exactly what you've lived through will help you and hubby move forward and live the most beautiful life.....

Gottalife

I had the feeling that was the case when I read your first post on this. Experience shows this is a dangerous spot to be in. It is important to realise that people dont relapse because they didn't do step four properly, they relapse because they never did it at all.

I can relate to the problems you RAH is facing. It is a combination of things. The influence rehabs have had in complicating the heck out of step four, the conflicting ideas shared in the fellowship, and the atmosphere of fear and difficulty that is often created around it.

It doesn't need to be that difficult. My sponsor took me through my fourth in a few hours. I didn't have the brainpower to tackle it on my own, so we did it together. The next day we did my fifth. I have worked with people doing the back to basics beginners meetings. We usually get the fourth step done in about two hours., using one A4 double sided work sheet.

As much as anything we are learning the principle of inventory in this step, and it will become a part of our 24 hour plan for living in the later steps. There is no getting it wrong. It is the beginning of a lifetime practice.

If there is a difference between what the group or sponsor say, and the big book, then stick with the big book. That is the only place where the directions are given. What is coming from the group is just opinion.

Suggestions would be to look for a sponsor who will help with this steps by taking it with him, and/or look for a "Back to Basics Beginners Meeting" if there is one on your area.

In early days, there were only six steps, one of which was inventory. It was usually taken by the sponsor because the new guy was often shaking so much he couldn't write. It was sometimes done on the back of a business card. It was simple and effective. Now, when you want to look at how far off the page things can get, one fellowship has a 4th step questionaire over 90 pages in length. Talk about making a simple idea complicated.

Wamama48

Thank you so much for explaining this so well. He told me the same thing you said, step 4 is where people sometimes relapse. He did finally get a hold of his sponser, they spent 3 hours on step 4. He says he understands it. He's written his resentments on different pieces of paper, and he wants to create a spreadsheet to organize it. Sigh. Seems like he's avoiding it still. But, I've said nothing to him, not my business, its his recovery. Anyway, I am understanding more about what he's going through. You all have shared a lot of information, thank you. It helps with MY recovery too. I'm trying to replace my anger and resentment towards him with compassion. It helps to know he's going through the hardest struggle in his life. He's working hard. I admire him for that.