jcchild

Don't want to feel the pain from the loss of my mother. But I'm so tired of drinking to numb that pain. No siblings, no children, no spouse. She was all I had (besides my beautiful cat Jack) and she meant the world to me.
May 26th marked 8 years since she left me and I'm still struggling to cope. When the pain comes I drink. If I don't stop, I know that alcohol will ruin me. Feeling defeated...

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, jcchild. I'm glad you found us here. My dad passed away six years ago and it's still difficult. But like my dad I'm sure your mom wouldn't want to see you drink yourself to death.

The good thing is there's hope! This forum is full of caring people and it's not an exaggeration to say it helped save my life. I hope you stick around and maybe it can help save yours, too.

After all, Jack needs you as well!

16YearsDrunk

I know the feeling mate. It hurts like hell. I lost my Dad Jan 2017, and then my stepdad Jan 2018. I drank to forget about how much it hurt. I wasn't ready to face those feelings.

I am speaking from my own experience here. I'm not over their deaths. I never will be. It's always going to hurt and upset me. I'm always going to have days where I'll spontaneously burst into tears.

But deep down I know I have to move on from this. They left a huge impression on my life. Both of them. This time last year I was in the studio with my stepdad making music. He attended my Dads funeral and was there for me. And then he died exactly the same way.

Pain is an understatement. It's not physical pain. With physical pain you use pain killers to numb pain. With mental pain we use alcohol. It's great at numbing pain.

The pain is still there the moment you stop drinking though. And that has to be dealt with in some way.

I have been told (today actually by my doctor) that you never get over that pain, but you learn how to deal with.

And that is what I am doing now. Today I sought bereavement counselling.

It's no fate that you posted this at the same time I am going through exactly the same problem.

I'm 9 days sober mate. This is hard as f**k. But I'm carrying the cross all the way to the end because when all that weight is off my shoulders I look forward to leading a happy life with the strength and determination to achieve anything.

My mission is to make my Dad and stepdad proud of me. Even though they are not here I still want to make them proud.

Lots of hugs. Reach out to me any time you are not alone. I am just sharing my experience as I am going through the same thing.

I would urge you to seek some advice from your doctor. They can help with medications, and counselling. I put this off for a long time. As I said, today is the first day I've actually sought any real hope. It was the encouragement of others on this forum that have really helped me.

<3

jcchild

Thanks so much for the kind words. I really needed to hear that there IS hope. And I will stick around because I need this forum.

D122y

Jc,

Every pain was magnified while heavily addicted.

Getting out of the physical addiction was hell. Staying away from booze requires suffering like I never knew.

Getting this clean was hell on earth.

The only way out was to suffer.

I had many mental and physical ailments to remind me to stay quit.

These days, it is a new world. But, I still suffer daily.

Thanks.

Dee74

Welcome jcchild -I'm really sorry for your loss.

The thing I found about drinking was it never allowed me to move on from pain.
I got stuck in a kinda of loop, always circling the airport but never landing.

The wounds remained red raw and I neneded more and more alcohol to forget the pain.

I'm sure your mom would want you to be happy. 8 years is a long time.

You'll find a lot of support here

D

jcchild

Wow. So sorry for your losses. I am happy for your 9 days and I pray that you can keep adding days. Yes, this is going to be very hard for me to do alone so I am grateful to have found this place. I will take your advice seek help from my doctor. This won't be easy, especially without my biggest cheerleader, but I know I must do it.

jcchild

Thank you for your support and I know that you are right. I'm so tired of being stuck in this loop. I must move on from this place but I'm just not quite sure how to. I think this is my first step.

jcchild

Yes, I know that the time has come for me to suffer through my pain and addiction. Glad to have this place to help me.

16YearsDrunk

You've reached out for help, that's the biggest step. Your doctor will help. Just don't put that call off like I did. I thought I could handle the loss myself, but it failed every time.

Are you still drinking at the moment, and do you have a plan to quit?

jcchild

I drank yesterday, too much, but today is my Day 1. I don't have a concrete plan, just some ideas I've jotted down that I think will help me stay sober. I've never been to an AA meeting..l'm afraid to go but I'm gonna go.

16YearsDrunk

Congrats on Day 1. I look forward to your checking in with 24 hours under your belt I find it's useful to keep myself busy in some way. I think for the first day or so I spent most of my time reading other posts on here.

Rar

Congrats on your Day1 jcchild. I don't think some of us ever get over the loss of our mother's. My mother will be gone 29 years and some days are pure anguish. She was my best friend. There is so much I want to share with her and confide. I recall when my mother was dying from cancer, she said, "I wish Grandma was here". She wanted her mother. So, no matter how old we are, our mothers will always be special and when we lose them, the grief runs deep. Getting help with your grief related alcoholism would be something your mother would want you to do. Remaining alcohol free will also help to cope. I'm glad you're going to try AA.

entropy1964

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I guess be grateful you had 'that relationship' with your Mom. Maybe focus on what she added to your life and how she guided you to live on without her.

My daughter and I are very close. But my Mom and I had no such relationship, unfortunately. Its hard for me to relate to the sadness that some feel years after the loss of a parent. Oddly, I get envious....which I know sounds awful and its pretty selfish. But I envy anyone that had parents who made a difference in their lives. Cherish that.

jcchild

I'm so sorry you lost your mom. Your post made me cry really hard because I can't imagine living another 21years without my mom. I know for sure that I have not been grieving in the proper way. I started numbing my pain with alcohol 18 months before she died (cancer) and I have not stopped. I pray it stops today. Going to my first AA meeting in about an hour...

Rar

Awwww - jjchild......I'm sorry my post made you cry. That was not my intent. I just wanted to let you know that I understand the depth of your grief. Frick's words are so true: parents who made a difference in their lives. Cherish that. . We are indeed fortunate by having such mothers in our life. It is a blessing. I would have never been ready to lose her. I'm 68 years old and I still want my mother. My mother was 66 when she died and she wanted her mother. It's okay to miss her.

Alcohol will keep you spinning in your uncontrollable grief. Sobriety will help to stop that spinning.

jcchild

Yes, you are right. I need to change my focus. It's going to be hard but I must if I'm going to make it. I'm sorry that you and your mom weren't close but I'm glad you are close with your daughter. I don't have children so I'm a little envious of you. 😊

icewater1961

I lost my father a few years ago. He was in the hospital five days but I could not get there because there was a huge snow storm and planes were not flying. I told him on the phone that he was a good dad and I loved him. He said thank you. I did go to the funeral. Drinking did not take the pain away. It was my crutch but I know that wherever my dad or his spirit is, he would prefer me sober. Hugs!

biminiblue

I've lost both my parents. My dad died on my 16th birthday. The death really impacted me in a very bad way and led to many years of self-destructive behavior. One day I had had enough of the self-inflicted misery and wanted to let it go. I was angry and there had been a lot left unresolved.

I wrote him a letter.

I bought one of those big Mylar balloons and went to my favorite beach. I read (him) the letter. I tied it to the balloon and let it go and cried for ten minutes while I watched it drift up to the clouds. That was it for me.

Maybe some little ritual like that might help. It put an end date to my inner conflict. After that I didn't cry over it again. I had put it in the past with acceptance.

jcchild

It's ok, Rar, I needed to get it out. I also need to accept the fact that she's not coming back no matter how much I want her to...and no matter how much I drink.