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Confused after talking with boyfriend

Old 05-28-2018, 02:55 PM
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Confused after talking with boyfriend

Today was the day I was supposed to remove all my boyfriends belongings from the house and put them into storage. He is an alcoholic. We had just gone 2weeks w/out speaking because of his late nights out and coming home drunk. Also there have been public displays of disrespect on his part when he got drunk and told me to "get lost" in front of a group of our friends at a friends bday party. Today the fight escalated when he realized I was recording our argument with my phone he took my phone and it was a standoff for about an hour until he decided to leave the house and gave me back my phone. About 20 min after he left he sent me a text saying "I'm not going Into work today , I'm coming home to talk to you and hopefully fix things. You are the most important person in my life I love you ".... etc. he came back and I pretty much was the moderator calmly talking about all the events and pain I can no longer take. I asked him what he thinks the solution should be. He replied "I'll be better I won't drink so much I understand ". Okay I've heard this a trillion times. So I obviously I don't believe him. I told him he don't believe him, especially since we just had this same talk a few days ago, he said the same thing, then just this past Saturday he came home drunk. So I told him ideally I would like to remove myself from this situation since it has been impossible to build a proper relationship because of it. Prior to this I asked him if he would go 30 days without drinking. He said he would go 2 weeks because his band has a show and he likes to drink when he plays. I had to laugh at that excuse. He also said "everyone enjoys drinking he does not want to quit completely ". This is coming from a man who was addicted to heroin for 7years (before we met). He has kicked that habit, but Has replaced it with drinking. He admits he doesn't have self control and takes drinking too far. But I'm getting Tired of waiting and hoping for him to take the necessary action for him to curb his addiction. He also thinks AA is a joke , I've taken him to one meeting...no luck. He's 42 And I'm watching him drink his life away and act like a teenager with no compassion for the people who love him. Should I take him seriously and hold him responsible for him saying he will go 2 weeks without drinking?
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:03 PM
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I would not believe him. I would remove myself from the relationship as he can't be trusted.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:06 PM
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The fact is, you have a problem with his drinking and he does not. There is no compromise that will change that, just delay the inevitable.

There are plenty of people in the world and many of them are not active addicts. Waiting for someone to become the person you wish they were is never as good a strategy and as moving on so you can both find what it is you're looking for.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:14 PM
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Thank you for your replies. I do agree as I feel this in my gut. I have asked him to leave so many times and basically said exactly what you have said. This whole situation makes me feel trapped, because we live together. I'm trying to figure out how to ride this out until the lease is up since it's in my name. And the legal issues that could take place might be just as taxing as living in a hell like this.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:17 PM
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It sounds like he has chosen drinking over a normal happy life, as any active alcoholic will do. I suppose you could have a bet with him over the two week thing. If he doesn’t make it he goes to treatment or some such, but the fact that he admits he couldn’t make 30 days probably says it all. The show thing is just an excuse btw.

He sounds like a very sick man. As you may know, alcoholism is progressive and will only get worse. One thing that folks did that helped me was to stop enabling me. They kicked me out, fired me, banned me from their homes, generally refused to tolerate my behaviour. I reached a point where there was nothing left and that was the point at which I woke up and got help.

I am very grateful to those people. They saved my life.

There were those too who, for a long time, covered up for me, lied for me, made excuses for me, helped me out when I got in trouble. They did it with the best of intentions, but they only succeeded in making me worse.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:18 PM
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Talk to your landlord and explain the situation.

When we are in the middle of a bad situation, it is easy to feel trapped and like trying to do something about it will make it worse. Don't let that stop you from investigating the FACTS instead of letting your FEELINGS make assumptions.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:37 PM
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2 weeks without drinking then PARTY TIME!
with a beer in hand," i told you i could do it now i deserve this."
or something similar.

re read these words ya typed a few times:
He's 42 And I'm watching him drink his life away and act like a teenager with no compassion for the people who love him.
then
Should I take him seriously and hold him responsible for him saying he will go 2 weeks without drinking?

reread those a few times.

if the lease is in your name only, then i think you can evict him. as sparklekitty said, talk to the LL- they should know the laws.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
2 weeks without drinking then PARTY TIME!
with a beer in hand," i told you i could do it now i deserve this."
or something similar.

re read these words ya typed a few times:
He's 42 And I'm watching him drink his life away and act like a teenager with no compassion for the people who love him.
then
Should I take him seriously and hold him responsible for him saying he will go 2 weeks without drinking?

reread those a few times.

if the lease is in your name only, then i think you can evict him. as sparklekitty said, talk to the LL- they should know the laws.
Thank you. You're right 100%. I'm going to go talk to the police and see what I can do. I don't want to involve my landlord if I don't have to. As I just moved in here and don't want to come across as a problem tenant.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:46 PM
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I cannot tell you what to do, but, if it were me, I would not trust him. I would figure out how to extract myself from the relationship.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I cannot tell you what to do, but, if it were me, I would not trust him. I would figure out how to extract myself from the relationship.

I don't trust him. I'm trying to figure out what to do.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post

He sounds like a very sick man. As you may know, alcoholism is progressive and will only get worse. One thing that folks did that helped me was to stop enabling me. They kicked me out, fired me, banned me from their homes, generally refused to tolerate my behaviour. I reached a point where there was nothing left and that was the point at which I woke up and got help.
This is probably exactly what it's going to take to wake him up, unfortunately. Only he can decide he needs to change and it doesn't sound like he's anywhere near there yet. Having already been a heroin addict, he should be an expert on addiction by now. When he wants to start being honest with himself he will have to decide whether putting down the bottle for 2 weeks, 2 months, whatever, is going to actually solve the problem. As was the case with me, nothing short of true sobriety will suffice.

Please understand that you are not going to be able to make him stop drinking. You are not going to be able to make him live the sober life that he needs to. Only he and he alone can do those things. Only he and he alone is truly responsible for his life. He needs to have a conversation with himself about his drinking but he will only do so when he is ready.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Amusic View Post
As I just moved in here and don't want to come across as a problem tenant.
i look at it differently- a tenant with a problem.
you might be able to find lease laws in your area online,too.
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Old 05-28-2018, 04:05 PM
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He doesn't have a problem with his drinking. He said as much.

Like I said in your other thread, talk to your landlord and be honest. You may have a way to remove him if the landlord helps.

Or does the landlord even know you've let this guy move in without putting him on the lease?
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Old 05-28-2018, 04:14 PM
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I negotiated abstinence many times. I'll stop, slow down or only have a few. This time will be different. I wasn't lying each time I promised - I truly thought I could.

This oft referenced paragraph from Alcoholics Anonymous sums up the problem "Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."
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Old 05-29-2018, 11:48 AM
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I contacted the police department, they said he has the right to press charges against me if I remove his stuff because he receives mail here therefore he is a resident. The only other option is to contact the property management and try to get them to evict him. This is my last resort as I just moved into the place 2 months ago and they do not know he is here. Breaking the lease will result in financial consequences that I'm not prepared for right now. I may just take the chance and still put his stuff in storage, if he does press charges I'll be like " ok come on back let's continue to live in hell together". I'm in zombie mode right now about thinking to just focus on my life, job etc and let him do his thing and I will try my best not to react. Going to Alanon and here has been a great help to remain somewhat centered about this whole ordeal.
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