slipnslide

I’m posting a lot lately. Sorry.

But I’m so in my head. And sad. And scared. And stuck. I feel like I will never have a “never again”. And I hate that. My mother in law died. And then my father in law died. And we have to go through all their stuff and sell their house and ... I feel scared that I’ll try to “escape” these issues with alcohol because that’s what my husbands family does too

Anna

It's difficult to deal with losing family members, but alcohol will only make things worse and harder to manage.

I went through a similar situation when my father and then my brother died and it was stressful dealing with the legalities of wills and real estate. If I had been drinking, I never would have managed to get through it.

slipnslide

I totally agree. But when I’m drinking it makes it FEEL like everything is going to be ok. I am a very anxious person by nature. I’m always over analyzing, over thinking, over worrying... I have to be in control. I have to command my life. And when mistakes happen they are unacceptable and I beat myself up. But when drinking, everything will be ok. Everything will be fine. And I stop worrying. Just for that timeframe. Just for that period of time I don’t have to be in control. And that’s ok. And then the next day happens and I fall into a bad depression. Usually so bad it lasts a few weeks. And then I start the cycle over again.

It’s horrifying. And I feel stuck. Because nothing I have done to this point has convinced me not to start the cycle over again.

lessgravity

Been there and done that to myself and my family for years. There's nothing in the bottle for you. Anxiety, fear, pain and sadness are part of life. Dealing with them as a drunk only makes those inevitable aspects of life worse.

Find the strength and leverage to walk away for good, or suffer what is avoidable on top of what isn't over and over.

There's lots of support and wisdom here. In the end though the only thing that matters is not drinking.

Marcutah1

We can escape the sadness and the issues of our lives by drinking ourselves blind, I did, now 22 days without a drink. Problem was that when reality returned, so did the issues that drove me there. AND another one I created. I have found that (with help) dealing with the issues head on is much more productive than a hangover and regret.

tomsteve

how about past words of yours?
-I am laying in bed fearing my husband right now who is still sleeping.
-I'm still in the loathing stage.
-But I still feel guilty. I feel guilty that I felt the need to drink to make the night pass by.
- I regret that I had the smell of wine on my breath as I put my older son to bed.
-I don't want my kids to grow up in a household where mommy drinks.... Controlled or otherwise.
- I don't want to have a rock bottom
-I don't want to have an event happen where my husband says quit or I'm gone.
-Or for my kids to suffer
-I feel like such an idiot. I haven’t drank too much in months. I’ve been able to control how much I drink. And then this week happened. We had a friend die and my birthday and I ended up drinking myself silly until I passed out. I have kids. And aHusband. And a family. They NEED me and I did this? I feel like horseshit. How can I be so selfish??
-If you look back at my post history you will see I am a broken record
- I get wound up so tight that when I drink I lose sight of what’s really important. I need this to change.

theres quite a bit more in your past posts, slip, that could help you see where it will lead and get worse. if you look at it, the drinking has gotten worse in the couple years youve been here.

make yourself proud and be there for your family-without alcohol. theres only one way to learn how to get through situations like this sober and thats to get through them sober.

slipnslide

Well isn’t this just mortifying.

doggonecarl

Or motivating.

Tonymblue

Im so sorry. Hang in there. Alcohol will make it all worse.

tomsteve

as carl said, motivating. use it to put in the footwork to get further away from that last drink and who you were.

my past was, and still is a very valuable posession of mine. it helped me remember why i was putting in the footwork and reminds me of where i dont want to go back to.

plus, since ya said it was mortifying, past words helped!

now what you can do is go through past words and find how much life was better/improved without alcohol.

lessgravity

I've gone back and confronted myself with my old posts. It's painful. But so revealing and necessary.

All this pain we put ourselves and our loved ones through is self-inflicted. Use the mortification you feel to leverage some responsibility for your actions as a mother and wife. For many years I played the same game you're playing, it either ends with sobriety or not well at all.

Hope you find the strength to put the alcohol down.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your losses slipnslide.

Does it really tho? I never had the feeling things were going to be ok - I convinced myself I didn't care if things weren't ok a bunch of times tho....

looking back I really wallowed in my sadness when drinking.

Even those few times when I did forget my pain - and as the years of my drinking racked up those times got less and less - I'd sober up and be left with the same worries - and new ones that my drinking, or my bender, had created.

Grief is meant to be sad - it's part of the process - you feel sad, you get yourself through that, and you move on.

Maybe instead of running away from feelings, this is a great opportunity to face them, and own them?

I know it sounds terrifying but the reality is much much easier to face than the fear.

You can do this

D