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Picking a Sponsor

Old 05-26-2018, 07:16 PM
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Picking a Sponsor

I am a 67 year old man who finally decided to put alcohol down. I haven't had alcohol for 41 days. I've been to 4 AA meetings and now looking for a sponsor. The fellow who I have good vibes about is much younger than myself. He has 3 1/2 years sobriety and is in his mid thirties. We have a good bit in common with him being a past athlete like myself. When picking a sponsor should I look for someone closer to my age or does this really matter? Also what are some of the questions I should consider when looking for a sponsor?
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Old 05-26-2018, 07:33 PM
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hi BDTL,

No, i do not think it matters he is considerably younger.
what matters is that he has done the step- work and , as far as you can tell, is living his life with sobriety and integrity and " has what you want ". Not talking about material stuff here.
my sponsorperson was just 30 and i was 59 or 58 when i asked them, and iliked what i kept hearing when they shared at meetings and i could see how they "practice these principles" in their affairs.

as far as questions, ask what you wnt to know

and if you google something like 'aa sponsorship pamphlet' you will find an entire brochure with excellent info and questions to ask. well worth reading....and it might be available at your meeting, also. free.
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Old 05-26-2018, 07:36 PM
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https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

link should take you there.
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Old 05-26-2018, 08:03 PM
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I don't think the age difference is important. What matters is if he 'has what you want'. I hope it works out for you.
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Old 05-26-2018, 08:27 PM
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Originally Posted by least View Post
I don't think the age difference is important. What matters is if he 'has what you want'. I hope it works out for you.

Right.

And as was mentioned the AA pamphlet has a lot of good suggestions.
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Old 05-26-2018, 09:41 PM
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Nice job on 41 days!! Great work, keep it up!

From my experience, I did the temp sponsor deal and had several of them, and mentors that I could reach out to.. I found my sponsor after many many meetings..

Sponsorship is essential.. Get to know the group and find the person that has what you want..

Happy for you!!
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Old 05-28-2018, 07:05 PM
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Alcoholics Anonymous has only one solution to alcoholism, a spiritual awakening as the result of working all 12 steps. Only a person who has actually done this can show you how to do it. There are plenty around who have got away with part measures, but, if you are the real deal, these folks have nothing that can help you.

I think this quote appears in the 12 and 12. " Experience shows that nothing short of intensive action on the 12 steps as a way of life will bring about the much desired result." A sponsor should have the experience to take on the job.

If a man claims to be a builder, but has never actually built anything before, would you hire him?
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Old 05-28-2018, 07:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
Alcoholics Anonymous has only one solution to alcoholism, a spiritual awakening as the result of working all 12 steps. Only a person who has actually done this can show you how to do it. There are plenty around who have got away with part measures, but, if you are the real deal, these folks have nothing that can help you.

I think this quote appears in the 12 and 12. " Experience shows that nothing short of intensive action on the 12 steps as a way of life will bring about the much desired result." A sponsor should have the experience to take on the job.

If a man claims to be a builder, but has never actually built anything before, would you hire him?
Thanks Mike as this is good wisdom.
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Old 05-29-2018, 12:20 AM
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When I was a newcomer it before the internet and I knew little about AA. I was at the end of my rope when I walked into the rooms. I didn`t know who worked the steps correct and who didn`t. But I don’t recall anyone saying they weren`t important. One member would say this, and another say that and a third something else. I found it all rather confusing in the beginning. (I got sober in an overseas ex-pat community where members came from many parts of the States as well as from around the world. There were a lot of arguments but in retrospect I think it was good I heard a variety of views.)

Now…what I did notice early on were a few of the more vocal members weren`t particularly happy. I didn`t view the crusty old-timer as having a heart of gold. I saw someone with anger issues. I didn`t want what he had. In fact I didn’t even what to have coffee with the man.

It was those with sober time who seemed continent that I gravitated towards. They never preached. Only suggested. Here is where I found my sponsor. An older man who had rebounded from a fairly brutal bottom. He spent a lot of time discussing the program and the steps with me during my first year.

My advice would be to take your time choosing a sponsor.
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Old 05-29-2018, 02:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx View Post
It was those with sober time who seemed continent that I gravitated towards.
Same here. I kept well away from the incontinent ones
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Old 05-29-2018, 02:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
Same here. I kept well away from the incontinent ones
Oops... content
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Old 05-29-2018, 03:05 AM
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I am blessed with an excellent sponsor. Same for about 6 years. I think we kind of just gravitated towards each other. Listening to shares and it resonating to me.

We share and have discussions. No preaching, telling, ordering!! That would have repelled me immediately.

We discuss solutions, try them out, feed back.

I don't think age comes into it at all.

My sponsor has about 18 months quit on me, which i felt was just right.
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Old 05-29-2018, 04:38 AM
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Lots of really good comments above, BDTL.

I'd add a few things from my experience - I am now 27 mo and change sober. I got my first sponsor at 97 days after doing almost the 90 (meetings) in 90 (days) that is so often recommended. She was about as different from me, and not just in age, as could be. That was actually a great thing bc it helped remind me that alcoholism simply does not discriminate.

I had "done" steps 1-3 on my own, prior to starting to work with her- by that I mean thought and accepted them in head and heart- and we did them again, along with reading the first 164 pg of the BB and her providing context (even specifics like the fact that Our Mutual Friend was actually a real person!), advice to read up on Silkworth, along with discipline around my AA studies that I maintain today (ex, part of my am routine every single day is reading pp 84-88 and 417-418).

When I was doing my step 4, and because of some significant "differences" in our approach to AA, I realized I was not comfortable doing/sharing 4 and 5 with her. I had gotten to know a lady in my home group that I felt shared my philosophy of a recovery program more closely and I switched sponsors at roughly 5 mo. We took quite a while (til around 12-13 mo!) to "officially" or literally do the steps together, yet we worked on them actively by developing what she described as using the steps as a guide for life and making decisions, and creating a rich recovery program. And, she is much more similar to me in lots of ways, which was and is good for me along my journey now.

As said above, a sponsor is critical and IMO commitment to meetings is also essential. Right now, I find 4-6 a week (plus two of the recovery group I lead for restaurant industry folks) is my sweet spot. I schedule them in my week, every week.

Best to you for your acceptance and progress in recovery. That comment about focusing on those who have what you want is gold.
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Old 05-29-2018, 05:39 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Lots of really good comments above, BDTL.

I'd add a few things from my experience - I am now 27 mo and change sober. I got my first sponsor at 97 days after doing almost the 90 (meetings) in 90 (days) that is so often recommended. She was about as different from me, and not just in age, as could be. That was actually a great thing bc it helped remind me that alcoholism simply does not discriminate.

I had "done" steps 1-3 on my own, prior to starting to work with her- by that I mean thought and accepted them in head and heart- and we did them again, along with reading the first 164 pg of the BB and her providing context (even specifics like the fact that Our Mutual Friend was actually a real person!), advice to read up on Silkworth, along with discipline around my AA studies that I maintain today (ex, part of my am routine every single day is reading pp 84-88 and 417-418).

When I was doing my step 4, and because of some significant "differences" in our approach to AA, I realized I was not comfortable doing/sharing 4 and 5 with her. I had gotten to know a lady in my home group that I felt shared my philosophy of a recovery program more closely and I switched sponsors at roughly 5 mo. We took quite a while (til around 12-13 mo!) to "officially" or literally do the steps together, yet we worked on them actively by developing what she described as using the steps as a guide for life and making decisions, and creating a rich recovery program. And, she is much more similar to me in lots of ways, which was and is good for me along my journey now.

As said above, a sponsor is critical and IMO commitment to meetings is also essential. Right now, I find 4-6 a week (plus two of the recovery group I lead for restaurant industry folks) is my sweet spot. I schedule them in my week, every week.

Best to you for your acceptance and progress in recovery. That comment about focusing on those who have what you want is gold.

I mentioned in my previous post I got sober in an ex-pat AA community overseas. Some members would all but demand meetings be run the way they were back home. For example: swearing shouldn't (or should...) be allowed when sharing. Arguments over ending with the Lord's Prayer vs. the Serenity Prayer. You're late you don't share. At a speaker meeting a man has to wear a tie if they are giving the talk.

But two areas everyone seemed to agree on was the newcomer should do 90 meetings in 90 days and find a sponsor.
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Old 05-29-2018, 05:59 AM
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^^the swearing varies here too, as do the "monitored" time limits on talking, whether the steps and traditions and promises are read or it's generally stated that we follow them but don't read them, the length of time you need to have in order to lead or be the topic leader for a meeting, the....

Beyond a desire to stop drinking, the mtg rec and the sponsor, I'd add it's not "obligatory" but the people who have what I want routinely say that they still go to meetings. Often.
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Old 05-29-2018, 07:21 PM
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The steps are pretty straight-forward.
I don’t need a sponsor because I haven’t met anyone smarter than me.
There’s nothing in the BB that is beyond my understanding.
I’d never trust someone else to explain to me what is self-explanatory.
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Old 05-29-2018, 08:02 PM
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Originally Posted by daredevil View Post
The steps are pretty straight-forward.
I don’t need a sponsor because I haven’t met anyone smarter than me.
There’s nothing in the BB that is beyond my understanding.
I’d never trust someone else to explain to me what is self-explanatory.
Good for you. I'm just the opposite in the fact I can't trust myself to work the steps on my own. Having a motivator and coach is important for my success.
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Old 05-29-2018, 08:22 PM
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I was just remembering how I got my sponsor. I had been round the meetings for a couple of weeks and there were two guys I really liked listening too. They both had a way with words, and could say things in a way that I could understand. The Monday night meeting was coming up so I said a little prayer. God please send the right sponsor for me at the meeting tonight. I have it down to two options. which ever one you send, I will take.

The two prospects were polar opposites, they could not have been more different. The thing they had in cotmmon was they both recovered in AA as I was trying to do, and they had both had spiritual awakenings as the result of the steps.
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Old 06-02-2018, 05:44 PM
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Ok folks I had a chat with my potential sponsor today after our Saturday morning AA meeting. I told him what I expected of a sponsor and then he had a list of things that he expected me to comply with. I ask him if he had sponsored someone before me as he is 3 1/2 years into sobriety. He said yes however out of 30 people only one made it to 12 steps. Most of them quit or stopped coming very early in the steps. He said one almost made it to the 12th and then there was this one person who stuck it out. Now this has me thinking that he is either hard to get along with during the process or he drives his people too hard and expects more than they can give. He was talking about some of the steps there will be some meetings that last up to 3 hours? You folks who have gone through the steps is this legit and why would it take so long to talk about a step? I like the young man a lot however I am suppose to think & pray about it and let him know tomorrow if I decide to commit to him. Thoughts?
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Old 06-02-2018, 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted by BDTL View Post
Ok folks I had a chat with my potential sponsor today after our Saturday morning AA meeting. I told him what I expected of a sponsor and then he had a list of things that he expected me to comply with. I ask him if he had sponsored someone before me as he is 3 1/2 years into sobriety. He said yes however out of 30 people only one made it to 12 steps. Most of them quit or stopped coming very early in the steps. He said one almost made it to the 12th and then there was this one person who stuck it out. Now this has me thinking that he is either hard to get along with during the process or he drives his people too hard and expects more than they can give. He was talking about some of the steps there will be some meetings that last up to 3 hours? You folks who have gone through the steps is this legit and why would it take so long to talk about a step? I like the young man a lot however I am suppose to think & pray about it and let him know tomorrow if I decide to commit to him. Thoughts?

Sponsorship is an individual experience. What works for some may not work with others.

Based on what you wrote I would pass. I don't respond well to such people in or out of AA but that's me.

I'm sure for others he would make a great sponsor.
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