Aeryn

So I'm not sure what's up with me but I almost have no interest in dating....and there's been plenty of interest despite me not looking. However they all seem like men with lots of red flags and I just plain am not interested in getting together with them. So on the positive side I'm feeling "well cool it seems my picker is getting better" - at least I'm not interested...but at the same time I feel just very uninterested in looking. First I'm busy, I have a daughter and two jobs (I teach and I take little E (that's what I nick named my daughter) to work at my other job)...second I've been hunting for a job that would let me work online for one of my jobs to be with little E more. Third I have a lot of debt I'm paying off so I'm not interested in spending money on things that aren't for her or necessities.

The first guy was someone from my hometown that reached out online. We got along great but then I realized oh he's trying to move out here across the country into my home...he kept hinting at it. Ummm...no first of all anyone who owns a home should never let someone move in - there's something in this state called tenants rights were a nefarious "friend" could after just two weeks and one letter coming to my home claim they're a tenant, refuse to leave and then I'd have to formally evict (expensive). Now that might sound paranoid but I know people it's happened to and I just don't want a man that needs to move in with me....if he wanted to move here he could save and get an apartment. Oh and next came out he had no license due to a prior DUI...umm.... So bye bye to him.

For giggles I'm on a dating site...never really pay attention to it. Well another couple no goods from there. One was an older man who seemed to have it together but then told me he was known for his attractiveness, he enjoyed being single and didn't need anyone (well ok that sounds independent but why mention it if you are dating??), and then he wanted to only email instead of call? Ummm no thanks, I just stopped contacting him....I guess I ghosted him lol. The next one seemed ok someone my age with younger kids but he seems to have no time to talk...he does work but here it is...his dad was ill so he moved in with his parents to help and now due to the high costs in CA even after dad passed a few years ago is still living there. Probably the best of the three but ehhhh.

There are others that pursued me but all had red flags. And I just don't feel excited about dating at all like I used to...like I have zero emotion about it...just plain not interested almost. I feel that's a weird progress but at the same time a stumbling block in recovery. Shouldn't I be interested lol? I mean I like I'm not jumping for the first man that shows interest (or any of them at all lol) but I'm almost not even giving any of them a chance. It's almost like they are interested because they can sense I'm not....

Anyone else feel like this after leaving an A? I've been out for a few years BTW....I have done a little dating and had one sort of BF from over a year ago..he turned out bad for a host of reasons (not an A though). Maybe I have dating PTSD? Or am I somehow putting out codie vibes and attracting them?

firebolt

Yep - I feel the same way EXACTLY!

I don't know what it is about me, but if you're an addict....you're going to LOVE me! But we're not about that life anymore Praise the Lord (or whatever you believe)for that.

It bugged me for a while - racking my brain about what it is about me that red lights an addicts homing device towards my direction (seriously...6k people at the Xmas stroll this year and out of nowhere, 2 drunk probably homeless people came up to ME to chat, ask for money and a cup of coffee.)

But, the whys don't matter to me now...the only thing that matters is I run - not walk - far and fast and IMMEDIATELY.

No matter what happens - including dying alone (which we know isn't the case because we ARE loved by plenty of good people) - I will live a happy and free life doing things that bring me joy. <3

trailmix

Or maybe you are looking in the wrong places?

I've never tried online dating (and never would for lots of reasons). I'm sure there are good men out there but if you aren't in "active" dating mode, why even bother with online dating? Really sounds like a waste of time.

Maybe it's not so much a disinterest in dating as a disinterest in dating anyone you aren't truly interested in and intrigued by?

trailmix

I actually have a theory about this. People who are kind don't just act kind, they LOOK kind. It's written all over your face.

biminiblue

Yeah. There's a lot to be said for cultivating the resting b!tch face.

With that said, I've given up on finding a good guy. Either I don't know where to look, or I know too much or I am TOO picky or whatever...I tried for a while, but it gets old running into the same unresolved issues.

I am perfectly happy living alone, and have been for a long time. It's much better than being involved in a bad relationship.

LifeRecovery

I feel similarly.

Reading your post at least a part of it hit me.

I am interested in a good relationship......just with myself right now.

I have had a number of parts of being in relationship that have needed to heal, and overall my relationships are in a good place.

I suspect that interest for me may come again.

The only question I have of you as I was reading your post is that it almost sounds like you are juggling so much that there may not be room for interest? That may be a good or bad thing, just curious.

Aeryn

Haha! I so relate....I don't even like bothering meeting them...it's like they want me to waste my time and energy on coffee with them lol? I swear I'm just like over dating somehow.

I'm not so sure I come off as kind I can be a really tough business woman...but somehow I think I'm giving off vibes that I'm good at managing chaos (I do that at work!) and they come flocking lmao!

Aeryn

I thought maybe that was it but I've found the men that also have kids are just as busy and willing to work around that....so that may be part of it but I think there's something more...not sure what it is. I just kind of don't feel it's a priority finding a relationship...and the effort of doing is just well a lot (I find it tiring and draining to go on a date and deal with some of these guys heck I even find it tiring and draining to talk with them online LOL) and I feel I'd rather be doing other things with my limited time I guess....so you're on to part of it but I think there's more to it.

honeypig

When my brother and his wife divorced after a 20+ year marriage, she started dating furiously (online). I don't know if it was just a case of "I'll show HIM", b/c he had cheated on her, and then cheated on the person he cheated on HER with (sound like a soap opera?).

But at any rate, she keep meeting Mr. Wrong, or Mr. Almost-but-not-QUITE-right, and just never really seemed to ENJOY dating. More than once, I almost asked her why she bothered--she is a registered nurse and more than capable of handling her own life financially and otherwise.

And eventually, after a few years, she stopped. I don't think she is necessarily happy w/the situation but I think she just ran out of energy.

I have not the SLIGHTEST interest in dating, divorced not quite 3 years (holy carpfish, today I think actually would have been our 22nd anniversary...) and more than content to discreetly (I hope) ogle Valentin, the good-looking older Hispanic man who delivers produce to the cafe/bakery where I work. No interest in going any farther. None at all.

Interestingly, when talking to ex-SIL recently, we got on the subject of husbands/boyfriends and we both said that really, we wanted some help w/the lawn and with maintenance around the house. Other than that, no need for a man in either of our lives right now! It was not said in bitterness, either, just in the realization that we are both much, much closer to 60 than to 50 and things look different when a certain amount of life has passed through your head and heart.

Bernadette

A few years after a difficult divorce, when a friend of mine admitted she was so happy to be free, she herself had changed so much, so in charge of her life and her kids, was working, had 2 great dogs, (life not perfect - still struggling with money woes and health issues) and we busted out laughing but it really rings true:

"It will take one helluva Great Man to replace No Man!!"

Peace,
B.

LifeRecovery

That is fair enough

I have recently started be willing to work on this in therapy a little bit as I do find some of my reticence odd also

One piece though is that I often think men and women can be looking for different pieces in relationships. Not only that but I heard something the other day about hidden emotional labor and really resonated with the concept.

It is all the small, often silent lubrication that woman do to help make relationships function. It made me realize that it was not just he alcohol that I was struggling with in my last relationship. This idea has opened up my mind about what I really want and need in a relationship......

Not there yet but it will come.

NYCDoglvr

I think the best ones go first, in their 20's. After that it's men who can't commit and/or are scarred by a failed marriage. I quit dating and have no regrets.

Looking4Clues

I’m in my early 30s and I’m already seeing this pattern!

tomsteve

i agree with this.
when i was drinkin i looked for that look. someone to save me and take care of me!

i dont know if i believe in karma, but i do believe in ya reap what ya sow and boy howdy did i start reapin that when i got sober. when i was fresh i heard
youre only attracted to someone as sick as yourself.
yup!
circus music!
addressed the codepency and i think the saying changed to
sick people are attracted to how mentally healthy you appear.
like i have a sign that says,"ive got my poop inna group and can help you!"
i should get some shirts that say
"NO!"
in small print underneath
" explaination on back."
with ,"NO!!" on the back.
in small print underneath.......

Leelee168

I give you credit for trying. The thought of dating again nearly makes me sick to my stomach.

DesertEyes

I went thru that too. I kept attracting the broken ones everywhere I went. Like they see me as some kind of "Mr. Super Glue" that's going to put them back together again. The scary part is that prior to recovery that is exactly what I was.

Am doing better now. Spotting the red flags sooner. They no longer look pink and not so bad thru my pink-colored codie glasses. Have not dated in a
few years and don't miss it. As others have said I'm not sure I want to. Nothing personal against the ladies, it's just something inside that isn't quite cliking like it used to.

Maybe I should take a lesson from my adopted Mom who picked out her third husband in her 80's. She never stepped away from the main stream of life, not for a moment. What is that saying the young-uns have? "Just do it". I'll have to work on that.

Mike

Nata1980

I feel exactly the same way. Perhaps I am like a penguin who mate for life.

Tried dating. I seem to encounter obsessive stalker-y types, folks that act like my boyfriend after second date, cheap guys, needy men who insist on texting 24/7, men’s who dump their baggage on me before I even meet them, men who don’t seem to show up on time and then complain about my lack of availability at their every whim (single mother here). I seem to be a huge draw for very insecure dudes, unfortunately. One was texting me straight out of rehab (ironically the same place where XAH went which lacked supervision). When I told him I was not interested he got all offended and ensured me that he would be moving to a sober living soon and all ladies will be all over him.

So between logistics, questionable choices, sitter expense and missing out on time with my son I chose not to date. Just not attracted to anyone that much. I am enjoying being single. My newly divorced friends are dating frantically like their life depends on it, I am a complete opposite. I am told that it is me and I am too critical and my bar is too high. The beauty of not having to have someone is that your bar can be as high as you please

Sasha1972

FWIW - my experience dating after leaving an alcoholic was pretty good. I met a smart, decent and devoted man through internet dating (it really is possible ...) and we are still together, although he works about two hours from where I live. I am fine with that - in no hurry (at all) to cohabit or remarry, although my partner would love to do both. (I should add that this relationship began during a lull in ex's drinking career, when we had 50/50 residence with Kid. The way things are now, where Kid is living with me full time and ex is off the deep end, I don't think I would have the energy or the will to start dating).

After ex, I was absolutely clear that I wasn't looking for another fixer-upper and that I didn't need to be in a relationship for social, economic or emotional reasons, so I think if I hadn't met the man I'm with now, I think I would have been a happily single cat lady.

(I have to add that I was reading too fast when I came across this thread - and my brain swapped out an "i" for an "e" in a most unfortunate spot in the second word of the title ... and then I just had to read the whole thread to see what I was missing!).

TropicalWinter

“My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude.” - Warsan Shire

lizatola

I'm laughing at what Honeypig said......I was just teasing my bf about how perfectly he cut the grass and tended to the yard and made dinner, etc and how that's why I'm with him, haha!

Honestly, I've been with my bf for 3 years and for so long I kept thinking that I was too picky, that my expectations were too high, etc. But, what I'm finding is that I needed to return to the steps and let go.......over and over again. There was still some serious work inside myself that I needed to do but I chose to stay and work on myself while I was in the relationship with him. Maybe not the easiest route but it's the way I found myself going.


I feel like I found a good guy. We've had bumps along the way. His control issues, my stubbornness and...gasp......attempts at emotional manipulation that got me nowhere. Lots of lessons along the way but I do feel like we're truly in love with each other today and that only WE get to determine what works for us in the long run. My sponsor and my friends may not like the fact that he's very nonverbal but I've found that he can be so gentle with me and thoughtful that I don't mind the non-verbal personality anymore.

Anyway, back on topic from the OP. When things were off with my bf back in September I remember thinking that I think I'd stay single forever because I was done with men and done with the work in relationships, etc.

I do know that, today, I'll be fine whether I'm with a man or not. My wholeness and my peace and my love doesn't need a man. It needs ME to love ME.

My bf once told me that I didn't make his life easier, I made his life better. If I can't find that again the future, then I'll be complacent being single (that is, if things with my bf fizzle out or we part ways some day). We met online and often we talk about how lucky we feel that we met each other. I've heard horror stories about dating, in general, and I honestly don't think I'd have the stomach for it again.