MarieLouise

Hey guys. I posted earlier this month about how my high functioning AH basically kicked me and our newborn out and asked for a divorce.

Well, after finding out a few things from mutual friends of ours about his "sketchy relationship" with other women, finding some essential oils and a fuzzy blanket at our house last time I stopped by unannounced, and an explosive argument where he said I wasn't worth another second of his time, how his happiness is the only thing that matters and how he'd never consider counseling because they'd tell him he has to change and he "won't change for anyone" I decided I'm done. I retained an attorney, and started the paperwork to file for divorce.

A divorce I never wanted, mind you. 2 months ago we were on cloud nine with our newborn, daydreaming of an amazing future together. If you had told me I would be sitting here filing to end it all I would have said you were nuts. But I can't take anymore, so here we are. And he will be SHOCKED when he gets served. He thinks I don't have the guts to do it. I'm sure he thinks I'll sit around waiting and hoping forever while he lives in our nice house, and pays no child support.

That said, for those of you who have gone through a divorce, give me all your wisdom and advice.

And a huge thank you to this group. Without your support and encouragement I don't think I would have got to this point so quickly.

hopeful4

Prayers for continued strength!

Mango212

(((((hugs)))))

Many prayers, good wishes and blessings for you and your child. There must have been a reason for this child to come to you.

Mango

dandylion

MarieLouise….I don't know where you live...but, If you google "divorce support groups".....you are likely to find a listing of groups t hat are local to you.
Some are held in churches.....
I have heard good things from those who have attended them....
Nothing like support from real live humans.....

trailmix

My only advice is start distancing yourself emotionally from him. I know you have probably already started down that path or you wouldn't have made the decision you have. Keep your defenses and boundaries strong.

I think Dandylions suggestion about divorce support groups is great. People will probably have suggestions about approaches they took to issues and perhaps referrals to lawyers they used, aside from the emotional support, that could be very helpful.

Hang in there!

marie1960

Divorce is emotional . Some have compared divorce to a death in the family. Best advice I can offer came from my brother, a law professor. “ Annie , you are entering a legal, binding business contract. The courts are not interested in any emotional rants, they have heard it all, courts deal in facts. Get your ducks in a row, retain the best counsel you can afford, concentrate on the facts, and cut your emotional loss.”

I have been divorced for 27-28 years now. At the time ,I thought my brother to be the biggest insensitive jerk, I ever met. As it turned out, he was correct. Remember, this is business, do what is ever legally necessary to protect you and your baby. Sorry that you are living in this turmoil, keep the focus, your baby needs one sane parent.

TropicalWinter

One thing that I've found to be beneficial is to let the lawyers do the talking. Don't listen to your husband's threats, manipulation, or whatever BS he spouts out trying to intimidate you. Keep communication with him to a minimum, and via text and/or email if at all possible.

FeelingGreat

When you feel like backing off for a peaceful life, remember that he has already moved on, and being too careful to keep things nice means more for him and his next lady.

Not to say you should be vindictive, but you should also hold him to his obligations.

firebolt

Let me just say - you are AMAZING!

You are taking swift, decisive action to take care of yourself and your little one in getting out of something toxic and just not meant for you.

I agree with everyone above - minimal contact will help you. Save everything - pictures, texts etc.

Peace, comfort and strength to you with your decision. You deserve a wonderful life and clearly see you won't get it with him!

MarieLouise

Thanks all.

You know what else helped. Last time we talked the other day he said he had quit drinking completly and I actually believed him. I just saw some bank charges and hes out tonight getting hammered. Good riddance you lying sack of crap.

dandylion

Marie.....I actually think that anger can be a motivating force, at times. It is easier to do what you need to do, with anger under your wings, than being incapacitated by pining for a departed lover.....

honeypig

Totally want to second what dandy said here^^! I know that, for me, once the anger cooled and I had to start dealing w/MYSELF, things certainly got tougher. I know that a lot of us are taught that anger is a "bad" emotion, but I certainly want to agree w/dandy that it can be used to power life changes for the better.

Ladybird579

That said, for those of you who have gone through a divorce, give me all your wisdom and advice..

My divorce was extremely unfair so get a good lawyer who is prepared to fight hard for you and can see through your exes manipulation and lies cos he will lie. Get child custody set in stone. You do not want him getting unsupervised access to your newborn baby. Try to be unattached and calm when you speak to lawyers, They are only interested in getting you a good deal. Not how many times he has lied to you and how hurt you are etc. Save that for trusted friends. Also block your ex. No need to speak to him anymore. Let your lawyers do the communication.

MarieLouise

Thanks to all for the love and support. I wouldn't be here without you guys. I got my paperwork back. He's not gonna know what hit him.

Nata1980

Hugs to you - there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Take care of yourself and that baby.

PhoenixRising211

It's nice when you have anger to fuel your mission to leave. Use it to your advantage. You deserve so much more! Wishing you peace and strength as you continue through this.

MarieLouise

Im having a particularly difficult day. One of those days where I’m feeling like maybe all of this was my fault. Maybe I was too naggy or mean. Maybe he was so unhappy with me that I drove him to lie and drink.

mylifeismine

Have you been able to attend any alanon meetings? Not easy
with a newborn, but could be tremendously helpful to you.

Have you heard the slogan about alcoholics drinking?
we didn't cause it
can't control it
can't cure it

What kind of support system do you have- any family/friends
nearby? You can make new friends in alanon who will
understand what you are going through, but family & friends
are important when you are going through this, especially with
a newborn. There is a great deal to learn about the family disease
of alcoholism which will give you great insight about how to
navigate your way back to a healthy happy life. Counseling
could be helpful too- with someone who is knowledgable about
addiction. Keep posting

AutumnMama

I have been reading your story and I’m in a similar situation but with a toddler. I go through periods of feeling like that too—but please know it isn’t your fault. There is someone out there who would be very happy to be with you!

Some of the best advice I’ve gotten is to allow myself to actually FEEL the emotions as they come to me. Which, when having a small child, it can be easy to “lose yourself” in the never-ending mundane tasks and start to bottle things up.

emmab219

So many hugs to you. I really am feeling your pain and I wish nothing but the best for you and that beautiful baby!