dawnrising

Talking about marital fights with our children, playing the victim, and telling our children things with the preface of “don’t tell mom!” And trying to hide financial information. Good lord we already know everything just be honest so we don’t have to expose you in court already my kiddos don’t need it!

hopeful4

Yup. That stinks. I feel for you. Big hugs!

Sasha1972

How old are your kids? Mine is 13, and she gets the idea of "triangulation" (you and me against mom), and that it is a bad thing. She also knows that if someone asks her to promise not to tell me something, she doesn't have to keep that promise (doesn't mean that she will actually tell me, but she will not be "breaking her word" if she does, because no one should ask her to keep secrets from me).

My kid was also quite relieved when she realized that I already knew most of the stuff that was supposed to be a big secret - it took away some of the stress of "hiding" her father's life from me.

dawnrising

my kids are 18 and 21. they just don't want to be dragged into the drama. My response to them both was "have I ever asked you not to tell your dad something?" their response was no and then I said "because its inappropriate for either of us to ask you to keep something from either parent and it puts you in an awkward situation." UUUUGGGGHHHH

Sasha1972

I've told my kid (much younger) that there is nothing at our house that needs to be a secret from her father - she can tell him anything that happens here.

What is it with addicts and secrecy? Is it because the first and foremost Big Secret is their addiction (they have to hide how much they drink, as well as the things they do to feed their addiction) and so over time that becomes their only way of dealing with the world - secrets, secrets everywhere.