How can I get out???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 10
How can I get out???
It just goes from bad to worse. My ABF went to detox for the 3rd time and was told that he finally destroyed his liver. He's too sick to go to rehab. They won't take him. He has no $ ( hasn't worked in years), no doctor, no nothing. The plan was for him to go to detox, rehab and then move to another state...fresh start for him and him finally out of my life for good. I've been telling myself to just hang on until the end of May and it will all be over. But it's not going to be over at the end of May. If I don't take him in he will be homeless, living on the street and sick. I can't take anymore. My financial, mental, emotional and spiritual resources are completely wiped out. How do I get out of this situation? I passed the end of my rope months ago. I'm desperate to get him out of my life, but it seems so cruel to leave a sick person to die on the street. I could really use some advice.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 83
You're not responsible for anyone over 18 except yourself. He has no right to drain you in any way.....none. You have zero obligation to this person. Don't feel guilty. There's nothing to feel guilty about. He's abusive, he chose his behavior, now he's sick? Too bad he made such poor choices.
If anyone tells you that you should feel bad, let them know he's available to live at their house
If anyone tells you that you should feel bad, let them know he's available to live at their house
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CakeLady…..I am not clear----where is he living, right now? ( you said "If I don't take him in")…..is he still in detox? It is hard to make any suggestions without more information....(I am assuming that he is living in the US)…….
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 10
Yes, I'm in the US. He's in detox for a few more days. He lost his apartment. He packed up / sold everything literally the day before a space opened up in detox. The timing couldn't have been better.
"Treat and street" is the policy of the public hospital. He was brought into emergency in an alcoholic coma in February and that didn't warrant even one night in the hospital. He was released within a few hours. As soon as he could stand, basically. Good times.
"Treat and street" is the policy of the public hospital. He was brought into emergency in an alcoholic coma in February and that didn't warrant even one night in the hospital. He was released within a few hours. As soon as he could stand, basically. Good times.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CakeLady…….If I were in your shoes, I would contact the social worker who is assigned to his case.....all patients have a social worker who is obligated to see him and make a discharge assessment....You can call the social services dept. of the hospital (if he has signed permission for hospital staff to communicate with you)….The social worker can help identify options for him, after discharge....You can tell the social worker that you do not want him to come to your residence. If he tells them that he can go there, they will probably discharge him, with that as the "plan"!
Depending on his actual medical condition, at time of discharge--he may qualify to go to a medical rehab facility for a period of time...paid for by Medicaid.....The liver has remarkable ability for recovery...given a chance....
If he is in a place where he can't drink and has adequate nursing care and diet....then, he would be able to go to an alcoholic rehab, when he is stabilized.
Another idea, is to contact his attending physician, in the hospital. Again, you will need him to sign a release for you to do this. The doctor can, also, ask for a social work consult. Either way, you will need to get to the social worker, before he does, so that they know that he can't go to your home. Otherwise, they will just take his word that it is o.k. with you.
In addition, he/you can contact the social services of the county that he lives in, to find out what kinds of financial help and alcoholic and medical services that he is eligible for. You can call them to get an appointment with a case worker. He really should be doing this...but, since you are worried about him being on your doorstep...you can accompany him and keep a fire under his behind...lol....
In the meantime...AA is available for him...it is free, and would be a daily support for him....while he is getting his ducks in a row.....
Depending on his actual medical condition, at time of discharge--he may qualify to go to a medical rehab facility for a period of time...paid for by Medicaid.....The liver has remarkable ability for recovery...given a chance....
If he is in a place where he can't drink and has adequate nursing care and diet....then, he would be able to go to an alcoholic rehab, when he is stabilized.
Another idea, is to contact his attending physician, in the hospital. Again, you will need him to sign a release for you to do this. The doctor can, also, ask for a social work consult. Either way, you will need to get to the social worker, before he does, so that they know that he can't go to your home. Otherwise, they will just take his word that it is o.k. with you.
In addition, he/you can contact the social services of the county that he lives in, to find out what kinds of financial help and alcoholic and medical services that he is eligible for. You can call them to get an appointment with a case worker. He really should be doing this...but, since you are worried about him being on your doorstep...you can accompany him and keep a fire under his behind...lol....
In the meantime...AA is available for him...it is free, and would be a daily support for him....while he is getting his ducks in a row.....
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 83
I knew a guy that was an alcoholic and was gonna be homeless. He was in really bad shape but The Salvation Army took him in and gave him a bed, a "job" and rehab for a year. He never drank again and now knew how to work in a professional kitchen.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by rjyerkes 
He's abusive, he chose his behavior, now he's sick? Too bad he made such poor choices.
That said, no-one is obligated to support another person who brings them down and is not supportive themselves.
Like others have suggested The Salvation Army are terrific. One of my sons has a good friend whose Dad is a Salvation Army Major who runs rehabs. My XAH refused to accept help from the Salvos but I really hope that one day he will.
Give the Salvos a call and see how they can assist. You've got nothing to lose. It's not "being too co-dependent" if it will ease your mind.
Good luck. xxx
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Agree. If he has no income he should be able to get state assistance for medical coverage. Salvation Army then has a rehab he could go to after detox. This is not something that is up to you to fix. He got himself where he is. Choices all have consequences.
Big hugs.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm desperate to get him out of my life, but it seems so cruel to leave a sick person to die on the street. I could really use some advice.
You are not putting him on the street, his choices are. You are not responsible for his choices, decisions or behaviors. The best advice is to NOT sign any paperwork at the hospital do NOT offer your place as a landing zone after he leaves detox.
What’s really cruel, unkind and uncaring is when we enable and continue to enable the alcoholic because we can’t deal with our own feelings or emotions.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree with Atalose. I would take it one step further and contact the hospital and let them know you do not agree for him to be released into your care or home. This way, he cannot say that's the plan. They may not verify it w/you before they release him is why I say this.
If they say they cannot speak to you, let them know you are not asking for any information, that you are giving information. This way they cannot pull HIPPA rules to not listen to you. Maybe even give it in writing and ask for it to be put in his chart.
If they say they cannot speak to you, let them know you are not asking for any information, that you are giving information. This way they cannot pull HIPPA rules to not listen to you. Maybe even give it in writing and ask for it to be put in his chart.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 10
The social worker route was tried in February after the coma incident. His therapist even tried to 5150 him then as a danger to himself and they literally would not take him to a facility. The doctors and social workers both told him there was nothing they could do for him. I ended up paying out of pocket for a rehab for a month just to get him somewhere where he was getting care. Not nearly long enough, but all I could 'afford'.
I will try the Salvation Army. That is a great suggestion and probably the last one I haven't tried. THANK YOU!! Thank you all for your comments and support!
I will try the Salvation Army. That is a great suggestion and probably the last one I haven't tried. THANK YOU!! Thank you all for your comments and support!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
CL3K - welcome to the site. So sorry you've been through all of this. I also would say you've gone above-and-beyond for this guy, other than making sure he doesn't get dumped at your house, I would say it's time to walk away from it all once and for good.
You say you are more than wiped out of everything - it's time to let the adult in him be an adult and not a leech to your entire life. You deserve more than this.
((((HUGS))))
COD
You say you are more than wiped out of everything - it's time to let the adult in him be an adult and not a leech to your entire life. You deserve more than this.
((((HUGS))))
COD
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
You are not cruel to take care of yourself by not allowing him to come back to your house. He is not your responsibility--and I have struggled with this myself. I have those fleeting moments where I feel badly for him. At the end of the day, we have all had challenges in our lives and sometimes downright difficulty. Not all of us try to drink ourselves into oblivion to deal with them. I hope that the Salvation Army can help with resources for you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Originally Posted by hopeful4
You may also want to look up the legal responsibilities the hospitals have. I don't know the answer, but it seems unacceptable to release someone with no care.
In this case she can inform the hospital that he needs to be referred to the salvation army, a local homeless shelter, or another care facility upon his release.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 10
Oh and just a side note, when asked person at the medical detox unit he's currently in what she advised as a next step since they wouldn't take him to a rehab and I let her know that upon release he would be homeless and without medical care, she told me that he should go to the emergency room. I feel like I'm trapped inside circular brick wall that I just keeping banging my head against.
Salvation Army is truly my last hope for a humane solution.
Salvation Army is truly my last hope for a humane solution.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
In my community there is a service that provides you with all the available services out there. You may even call the police department and ask them if they know about a similar service. Basically it's to coordinate care. It even has churches, etc. Catholic Charities is a huge organization, see if there is one near you and call them. (You don't need to be catholic, it's simply a similar service). United Way may also have resources. Reach out to your community, or the nearest large community near you if you are rural. He does not have to stay there, it would be preferable if he were elsewhere actually. Teen Challenge for men is also a great resource, and it's long term.
Reach out, there are resources, one simply has to find them.
Reach out, there are resources, one simply has to find them.
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