Buckley3

Most of the time I've been genuinely upbeat. Overall I believe I still am. But today... one of the hardest in awhile.

My sobriety isn't in danger. And I'm aware I'm tired. Warning... a bit of venting to follow.

I'm trying to stay optimistic about getting my home sold, but the payoff amount is larger than I thought. And the fees I'll be paying - good God... what a freaking bunch of ****. Sorry, that's how I feel. I still own the whole damn thing but entirely separate from my alcohol use and stuff whatever voice I listened to 11 years ago that said purchasing a home was a smart investment for a single dude with no kids - well, that voice was full of you know what. I could rant like crazy about this. But I won't. Gotta just let it go.

The constant pressure of things gets to me. Today was the company's spring update. Normally I'd be drinking beer in the shop with the guys. Not today. And it wasn't so much that it was hard to not drink - it was the number of times I had to basically tell half truths or outright bs about why.

And that's like all the stories I have to constantly tell about my house. Did it sell yet? I find myself talking to people I like but unable to be totally honest and transparent with them. Over and over and over.

In the midst of it, I received a text from my attorney about some details regarding my first OWI. You know, just standing around pretending hard to be normal while telling half truths and fielding texts from my attorney.

Ugh. It gets exhausting. Everything in my life is completely dominated by the events from late February and in general from the wreckage I created all those years drinking. Ugh. It's downright suffocating at times.

Maybe it's self pity. But I'm not really looking for that per say. I still own it. I'm going to go to bed and wake up tomorrow and keep trucking. I still have faith and hope and am determined to get through, sober. I guess I'm just venting that it sucks sometimes. And there's nothing I can really do about it but wait right now. And I'm not very patient by nature.

In fact, I think I'm going to go catch a few zzz's right now and just say screw it for a bit.

Thanks for letting me vent.

-B

resolute50

Try not to let things from the past get you down.
You have have made a wonderful choice to get sober. Things will get better.
And although things seem to be overwhelming at the moment, tomorrow or next week that could change. Life is a bunch of ups and downs. But now that you are sober you'll be able to navigate better.

Dee74

I hope tomorrow is better for you Buck

D

Buckley3

Thanks all. Yes, today has been better.

Yesterday after posting this I went to bed, it was like 6 pm. I woke up at 1:00 am. Knew I was wiped out, didn't know I was that wiped out.

I've been under more than a little pressure of late. So I'm giving myself a break - those days are bound to happen.

Today I accepted an offer on the house. So fast... just put a sign in the yard Friday. I'm grateful, but I can tell my nerves are fried. It's a fairly clean offer - and his financing appears solid. It's contingent on an inspection - which I know is typical but I find myself worried sick about it.

Some of the worry is just flat out fear for no good reason, some is the race against foreclosure. But, I guess at this point I've done what I can do to give it a chance... and I should really just stay focused on the good fortune of how quick it's come together. Because of time frames and a few other factors, I'm almost certain if this deal doesn't go through it'll be foreclosure. Either way I'll know by the end of June.

At this point I could care less about particulars of the house and the deal persay. I just want the quickest, most direct path out. I can definitely rebuild from all this, but not so long as I'm shackled to the past.

Anyway... time to sit back and see how things play out.

Thanks again for being my venting place of choice.

-B

wiseheart

Buckley, I am glad that you are feeling better today. You have so much on your plate right now, it is understandable that it will feel overwhelming at times. That is great news about the house. Hopefully soon, it will be done and will help lighten your load. You are doing great. I am sending you a big hug.

Arpeggioh

I think you do still sound positive and capable, and always happy to read your well-constructed posts. I was also one of those "optimists" who thought buying my first home was a sound financial investment...ha! Guess they showed us...

August252015

Thanks for sharing your OP and the follow up Buckley. Some days- or weeks or periods of life even- are just sucky. And overwhelming. I've been going through a BUNCH of change- good stuff, but Jeebus it's a lot- in the past two months and pushed myself past my limits and have ended up with a back injury that was apparently just waiting to happen. Now, I'm largely sidelined for a bit. Ugh.

You mention some good tools (just go to bed!) and thoughts (acceptance of things like your house sale and expectations around it- that's a tough economic one sometimes, isn't it? My now husband and I went through that last year as he was trying to sell his house and ended up getting a decent bit less than he wanted)...

You know that staying sober is the best way to get through it all - you can do it.

Take care of yourself.

yinzer

Glad you got through that crappy day and hope the house offer goes through!

I’m currently rebuilding a horrible foreclosure I bought, and the area I moved to doesn’t seem to have any contractors who will work on anything less than a palace, so I’m drowning in this mess. Damn HGTV! Damn “American Dream”! But every project I finish brings satisfaction. And I hope that you will feel lighter once your house sells. Good on ya for posting.

Rar

I hope all goes well with your home sale, Buckley. I understand the stress. Presently, we're on the purchasing end and after all the hoops we've had to jump through, we're set to close on 5/31. This whole process took about 4 weeks from beginning to end, so hopefully your's will be as quick. Actually, we were cleared to close at 3 weeks, but have to coordinate the closing with other parties. If the buyer's mortgage folks understand that time is critical, perhaps they can move it along. Your home is fairly new, so I don't expect you will have any issues with the inspection. The buyers can do a lot themselves by providing documents, etc. in an expedient manner. Hang in there. It will come together.

Renvate

Ask yourself Buckley, is there light at the end of the tunnel?

If so, then just keep going.

In regards to explaining to your workmates (if I understood correctly) just say it how it is.

comtnman740

Hey B,
Great post and nice job for getting to the forums to vent. To paraphrase the Big Book “Resentment destroys more Alcoholics than anything else. From it all forms of spiritual disease” This one is a big one for us in a nutshell. Do you have a sponsor or are you working the steps? I would write out a 4th step for your resentment dealing with your house.
I have a related resentment toward the entire housing industry here in Denver. The area has been so built up here and housing costs have gone through the roof. Just a few people are becoming filfthy rich while most struggle to get by. I think bottom line neither one of us have control over these two situations. Acceptance is the key my friend! Have you read Acceptance is the Key in the back of the Big Book pgs. 417-420? Good luck and God Bless!
Garrison

Delilah1

Hi Buckley,

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough day. You definitely have a lot on your plate, and you've maintained such a positive attitude, there are days it is going to catch up to you.

Sending so much love, and positivity your way.

❤️Delilah