Dean499

Hi, this is my first post. I have been using this site for a while but just decided to post. My wife is the drinker, she has drunk daily since I met her over 20 years ago. In the past 3 years her drinking has hit new lows, hiding wine/vodka, her mental health has also deteriated as well, eg short term memory loss, also she acusses me of things which I haven't done, and seems to believe her own lies. Anyway to get to the point, I have had to close the joint account and open an account in my name only, we was shopping together, but she would constantly pester me for a bank card or cash. When I refused, she told her father that I wouldn't give her any money. One night I called at his house and my wife rang her dad crying, telling him to tell me not to go back home and that her brother was going to beat me up (more lies) anyway her dad turned nasty to me, calling me for not giving her cash. I have now been living at my mum's for a month, I have blocked her dad and brother and my wife on my phone. She did manage to speak to me at my mum's, asking me to go back home, she is sorry, and she will get help for her drinking. The problem is that I have heard that before, several times. She doesn't want to stop drinking, she seems to be happy being miserable, and causing chaos through the family. I am paying all the bills at our house. My two step children live with her, son 33 and daughter 25. The problem again is that since I was told to not go back home, they now do not pay any rent. My wife does not work and I have heard that her father is giving her £50 a week. I have been going to Al Anon meetings for 2 years, which have been a life saver for me, I think that I would have gone mad if I hadn't found that fellowship. Thank you for letting me join your forum, I feel better for getting that off my chest.

hopeful4

Welcome. You have a lot going on. I am so sorry. Alanon is a great resource that I am so glad you utilize, you have to have face to face support.

I would say this sounds like a financial mess. Why do her children of that age still live there? Sounds like that needs to change. If the bills don't get paid, it will only snowball.

It's a sad and unfortunate thing that you cannot make someone want to get well, but that a fact. This is a place of great support. Read the stickies at the tops of the forums, and keep posting. You are not alone!

Gm0824

Welcome, happy to read you have been reading around the forums and also attending some f2f support! Sounds like you have a lot going on and I am sure it feels overwhelming, keep making the next right decision for yourself and things should start falling into place. Glad you found us

Dean499

Thank you for your speedy response. The two step children had moved out 2 years ago (shared an apartment) but that did not work out, so they moved back home. The small amount of rent that they paid, included bills and food. I will contact my step daughter in the next couple of days, to ask about the rent money, if they do not come forward with it, unfortunately I will have to take legal advice. He is on double the income that I get, also our step daughter earns more than I do. Anyway I will see what happens in the next couple of days, thanks again, it is good knowing that people understand.

Gm0824

You sound more than reasonable about the rent situation. As I am sure you already know, I am sure they won't see it that way. Moochers mooch. Obtaining legal advice is a smart move on your part. Please take care of yourself during this time. Any chance you can keep your communication to the step daughter regarding rent to text/email in case you need the documentation for legal purposes down the road?

Maudcat

Hi, Dean.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
Sounds like it’s time to turn off the money tap, at least a bit, yeah?
They are adults, and need to contribute, especially as they are both earning.
Good luck and good thoughts.

rjyerkes

I'm so sorry you're going thru this Dean499. Glad you're focusing on getting help for yourself and setting boundaries. Especially with the "kids".

I hope you find your way out or through with as little pain as possible.

Good wishes and thoughts being sent your way

FeelingGreat

Yikes Dean, you are supporting a step daughter who earns more than you? I wouldn't put off the legal advice for too long. If you do you may lose a lot more than a place to live. You have your future well being to think of.
If you don't want to go home, and I assume you don't, think about what you want for your future. Your AW is not sober, and the chances are she won't be any time soon so what do you want for your future?
Check in with a lawyer or legal aid and get some good advice. At least then you'll know your rights.

Dean499

Thanks everyone for the really good advice. I text step daughter yesterday, I asked for the rent, told her that I can't cover the bills without it. She text back asking if she can give it to me on the 29th, because she has had to pay for some repairs to her car...I said that's ok.My AW managed to ring me last night on WhatsApp, even though I had blocked her. I didn't take the call so she started to text me. She loves me and will do anything if I will go home. Now this is where I have a dilemma. I have ignored her messages. If I do text back, I would put something to the effect of, I can not come home to the madness of our home life, I however am willing to drop you off at an AA meeting, while I go to my Al Anon meeting. Now if she refuses, I can say to her...that's why I can not come home. If she agrees to AA then there is some hope. I really do not know what to do for the best, ignoring her seems rude, but being drawn into communication with her can bring more lies and manipulation, which in turn effects my serenity. Thanks again.

Katiekate

If you do not want to engage with her , then just don't! If she wanted to do anything to make things work she would be going to meetings, getting a sponsor etc..... She has to figure it out, your job is to keep yourself right side up. She is aware of what it is you need for her to do to put thing s back together.

Blueskies18

Katiekate is right. Although I hate to admit that. I'm the wife of an AH and I'm constantly getting promises from my AH and most of the time I believe him. It just seems to go on and on. I've left him before, and looking back I think that going back too soon was a mistake. At least being apart for longer could give you a chance to breathe and perhaps find friendships or hobbies in your life that you can enjoy.

trailmix

I actually think that maybe your approach is a good one.

You are saying there might be some hope so are you considering trying to work on your marriage if she shows sobriety over time?

If so, then maybe you can decide what you think would be acceptable. Would a year of solid sobriety make you more comfortable? If so perhaps that is what you can present to her. You will take her to AA when you go to your meetings and once she has a solid year of sobriety you might consider moving back but you would have to work on your relationship?

As for the manipulation and lies, I think you would have to be clear that you are not willing to even discuss any matters until X amount of time of her being sober.

If you would like to repair the marriage you just have to decide on your boundaries and stick with them.

With that you have decided what you want, what help you are willing to provide her (dropping her at meetings) and what she needs to show you.

Anyway, just some suggestions. For sure once you choose that path your serenity will be broken, I guess you have to decide if it's worth it.

Tough road, I'm sorry you are in this situation. Oh and glad you got the whole rent thing sorted out!

One other suggestion, you might want to ask her to only communicate with you by email. That stops the random calls/texting and gives you more control over when you decide you want to read her email, or not.

Dean499

Thank you trailmix, again sound advice. Apart from a 3 minute phone call, I have had no contact with her for nearly 5 weeks. I would like to think that there is some hope for our marriage, but I am being realistic. She has shown no signs of wanting to get any help. Step daughter contacted me the other day, letting me know that her mum is really sad, crying a lot, and she is having regular blood tests at the doctors. She also has an appointment to have a mental health assessment on her Birthday, which is 1st August. At the moment I don't want any contact with her, although e mailing is a brilliant way to do it. She is very manipulating, and it is all about her and her poor me attitude. I obviously need to have contact at some stage, but only when she realises that she is ready to get help, and is serious about it. At the moment I am going with the slogan....if in doubt, do nothing.

trailmix

That in itself is a solid plan!

Mango212

Hi Dean,

How are you doing?

Dean499

Hi mango, I had not seen my wife for 6 weeks until last Monday. Step daughter text me several times asking if I would ring her mum as she wanted to speak to me. I did ring her and she was in tears, saying that she has had a wake up call, and that she has stopped drinking. I met her on Monday, and went for a walk, and something to eat. There is a huge change in her, for the better. She is more like the person that I met, years ago. She tells me that she does not want to get like that again, and will do anything to stay sober. I mentioned AA, and told her that there is one 3 minutes from my Al Anon meeting. I will drop her off, and pick her up after my meeting ends, she agreed, and we are going tomorrow. I am not building my hopes up, as I know how manipulative the alcoholic brain can be, however, if she does go, then I feel it is a great start, because she as always denied that there is a problem, until recently. Watch this space....as they say.

trailmix

It is very kind that you agreed to see her and offered to take her to meetings.

Your caution is great, you do have to protect yourself but a very nice gesture. I hope she does attend.

maia1234

Dean,
Your wife is an addict and you need to accept that. She will say and do anything. It is not your job to offer "aa" meetings. It is her job to want to "seek" aa meetings. Getting sober as you know from alanon is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Crying to you and her daughter is not going to save her. She doesn't need you she needs a sponsor and someone who understands what she is up against.

Step back, have her reach out to people in the meeting for a ride. If she is truly committed, she will make it happen. It is not your responsibility. I am sorry to be tough, but you have heard the drill in those meetings. When I was going through my divorce after 34 years together, I went to two open aa meetings and two alanon meetings a week plus sober recovery every night, to get "well". I knew the program back and forward. Work on you and give her to God my friend. She is not yours to fix. Hugs!!

Dean499

Hi everyone, my wife's last drink (hopefully) was June 10th. I am as sure as I can be that she has not drank since then. Her mum passed away 2 weeks ago, and her Dad has terminal cancer, also he had a stroke 3 weeks ago, which has affected his speech. The reason for my post is for your thoughts. Since stopping drinking, my wife now buys non alcoholic wine, and beers. I have not drank around her since she stopped, to give my support, also I am not a big drinker anyway. The issue is that she now uses the Alcohol free wine in the same way that she did with the real wine, ie, she drinks it daily, always has plenty in the kitchen fridge, and the fridge in the garage. Today I looked in the fridge in the garage and saw a half bottle of Rose wine ( non alcoholic) at the side of the fridge was a duvet, which I moved, and wrapped up in it was an empty bottle of non alcoholic white wine. I asked her about it and she got a bit annoyed with me, saying there is no alcohol in it, why would I hide it? I said because it is not Alcohol free, it has 0.5% in it.I don't want to doubt her as she has been great since she took her last drink 4 weeks ago, however I do feel a bit uneasy with this obsession with Alcohol free wine. Should I be worried?

FeelingGreat

Hi Dean, I went crazy on coffee, and I started on cups of tea after work instead of a glass of wine. It is a bit worrying about the non-alcoholic wine, but we As do tend to swap addictions.
Is she drinking out of wine glasses? She might be clinging onto the habit of drinking and everything that goes with it but it's heaps better than the alcohol part.
In the end, you cannot control her or how she copes, and worrying won't affect anything. As the alcohol disappears from her brain, she may let go of the substitute.