Wedding Bell Blues, please share your thoughts and experience.
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Wedding Bell Blues, please share your thoughts and experience.
Here are the facts.
1. In 2016 my daughter meets this fella on a dating site.
2. I meet this fella, and I see , and witness RED FLAGS.
3. Fella is a Five time combat vet with PTSD, and diagnosed with brain injury. ( newspaper article list brain injury as severe)
4.Fella is just getting off of a five year probation, his crime, he disarmed a peace officer. ( drunk and high of course) And in the process was shot in the stomach by another cop. ( so he also has major stomach issues due to this injury)
5. February of 2017, my daughter borrows him 10k for a feasilibity study on a business he wants to buy, ( there was no business, this was a LIE.)
6.April of 2017, my daughter has knee surgery. His needs became greater than hers, he could not cope with caring for her, so he broke up with her, and vanished.( find out he checked himself into the VA for treatment)
7. While caring for my daughter, in her home, I manage to fill a large paper grocery bag with pot, and pills, yes those drugs were in her attic, in the rafters of the basement, in the garage, because that is where’s everyone stores their prescribed meds.
8.At this time I learn he has two recent judgements against him, the offense, he scammed two other women out of a sizable sum of money.
9. February 20, 2018 receive phone call from my daughter AND guess what????? She announces to me she is ENGAGED. For 10 months she hid the truth from me, she would not acknowledge she was seeing this fella again.
10. Wedding is September 15.
Currently, the dialogue running thru my head is consuming me, my heart is breaking. My daughter has an amazing career, she earns quite a hefty salary, this is so out of character of her . One of the thoughts also consuming me, “ birds of a feather” as child you have to be high on drugs to even entertain marrying. This dangerous con man. I would so appreciate if you could share your valued opinions, and experience. Or just a vote of yes or no if I have to attend this wedding, I do not believe I can go, nothing about this situation allows me to think I can attend this wedding.
1. In 2016 my daughter meets this fella on a dating site.
2. I meet this fella, and I see , and witness RED FLAGS.
3. Fella is a Five time combat vet with PTSD, and diagnosed with brain injury. ( newspaper article list brain injury as severe)
4.Fella is just getting off of a five year probation, his crime, he disarmed a peace officer. ( drunk and high of course) And in the process was shot in the stomach by another cop. ( so he also has major stomach issues due to this injury)
5. February of 2017, my daughter borrows him 10k for a feasilibity study on a business he wants to buy, ( there was no business, this was a LIE.)
6.April of 2017, my daughter has knee surgery. His needs became greater than hers, he could not cope with caring for her, so he broke up with her, and vanished.( find out he checked himself into the VA for treatment)
7. While caring for my daughter, in her home, I manage to fill a large paper grocery bag with pot, and pills, yes those drugs were in her attic, in the rafters of the basement, in the garage, because that is where’s everyone stores their prescribed meds.
8.At this time I learn he has two recent judgements against him, the offense, he scammed two other women out of a sizable sum of money.
9. February 20, 2018 receive phone call from my daughter AND guess what????? She announces to me she is ENGAGED. For 10 months she hid the truth from me, she would not acknowledge she was seeing this fella again.
10. Wedding is September 15.
Currently, the dialogue running thru my head is consuming me, my heart is breaking. My daughter has an amazing career, she earns quite a hefty salary, this is so out of character of her . One of the thoughts also consuming me, “ birds of a feather” as child you have to be high on drugs to even entertain marrying. This dangerous con man. I would so appreciate if you could share your valued opinions, and experience. Or just a vote of yes or no if I have to attend this wedding, I do not believe I can go, nothing about this situation allows me to think I can attend this wedding.
Last edited by marie1960; 05-21-2018 at 09:33 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi Marie - wow what a terrible situation.
First of all you certainly don't have to attend the wedding if you don't want to. You have a few months to see how you feel about it.
As for their relationship, I would personally just back right off. I wouldn't be stepping in to mop things up, or providing advice.
The only thing I might do is present the evidence of this:
And by evidence I mean the actual copy of court documents or whatever hard copy evidence you have, no hearsay.
He may have already told her about this and made some whopping excuse as to how it is just them being cruel to him, who knows. It is important that she have the information, what she does with it is up to her.
By backing off you let her depend on him (which apparently is useless), she needs to see this for herself.
First of all you certainly don't have to attend the wedding if you don't want to. You have a few months to see how you feel about it.
As for their relationship, I would personally just back right off. I wouldn't be stepping in to mop things up, or providing advice.
The only thing I might do is present the evidence of this:
8.At this time I learn he has two recent judgements against him, the offense, he scammed two other women out of a sizable sum of money.
He may have already told her about this and made some whopping excuse as to how it is just them being cruel to him, who knows. It is important that she have the information, what she does with it is up to her.
By backing off you let her depend on him (which apparently is useless), she needs to see this for herself.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Currently, the only thing I can offer my daughter is my silence. She is 31, not a child, and aware of the judgements against him. I keep reminding myself , she can live as she sees fit, but how does a beautiful, vibrant. Full of life young woman, get tangled up in this crazy.? Takes me back to my birds of a feather theory, more will be revealed, can’t wait to see the price she will pay for this insanity.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Sometimes reality is stranger than fiction.
I can't control the older kids but I can weigh in, love them and pray for them on a daily basis.
No, I don't support or and will not attend but love you no matter your choice. I'll always love you and always be here for advice and a meal.
AG
I can't control the older kids but I can weigh in, love them and pray for them on a daily basis.
No, I don't support or and will not attend but love you no matter your choice. I'll always love you and always be here for advice and a meal.
AG
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Marie......there is apart of the wedding ceremony, where the person who is performing it, asks----"Does anyone know of a reason why these 2 people should not be joined together?" In fact, I heard it done during the British Royal Wedding, this past Saturday.....and, there was a long pause to wait for the potential answers.....
I have never seen this actually done...except in romantic comedy movies....but, I think that in this situation, I would be very tempted.....lol.....
I will be diverging from the popular opinion, I imagine....but, since you asked for our opinions....I have the following opinion---
Normally, I take the stance that less said, the better...when the child does not pick the person for marriage that we would like for them...(providing the child is over 21)…..
However, when the difference of opinion is based on actual danger to the child, rather than a matter of "taste"....I believe that the parent has an obligation to speak up.....After all, the main responsibilities of the parent is to teach and protect the child---act in the best interest of the child's welfare---even if it makes the child angry or resentful. In a situation as extreme and dangerous as this one---I think that honesty to the daughter is important....
It is , also, important to honor your own integrity of being honest....
For me, I honestly, don't think that I could attend the wedding.....even though it would be a heartbreaking decision to make....
After all, attendance at a wedding is an indication of approval and support for the marriage (in my opinion)…..
Having said this....I certainly would discuss, discuss, discuss my reasons for believing that this marriage would not be in her best interest....I would do it with love and concern in my words...more like "teaching" and sharing, rather than "preaching".
If you keep the communication kind, in nature and tenor, there is always a chance that she will "hear" you and reconsider, down the road.....even if she does not agree with you, in the immediate.....
September is a long time away....so there is plenty of time for it to come apart, on it's own...…
You have all my considerable empathy.....this is a really difficult position for a mother.....
I have never seen this actually done...except in romantic comedy movies....but, I think that in this situation, I would be very tempted.....lol.....
I will be diverging from the popular opinion, I imagine....but, since you asked for our opinions....I have the following opinion---
Normally, I take the stance that less said, the better...when the child does not pick the person for marriage that we would like for them...(providing the child is over 21)…..
However, when the difference of opinion is based on actual danger to the child, rather than a matter of "taste"....I believe that the parent has an obligation to speak up.....After all, the main responsibilities of the parent is to teach and protect the child---act in the best interest of the child's welfare---even if it makes the child angry or resentful. In a situation as extreme and dangerous as this one---I think that honesty to the daughter is important....
It is , also, important to honor your own integrity of being honest....
For me, I honestly, don't think that I could attend the wedding.....even though it would be a heartbreaking decision to make....
After all, attendance at a wedding is an indication of approval and support for the marriage (in my opinion)…..
Having said this....I certainly would discuss, discuss, discuss my reasons for believing that this marriage would not be in her best interest....I would do it with love and concern in my words...more like "teaching" and sharing, rather than "preaching".
If you keep the communication kind, in nature and tenor, there is always a chance that she will "hear" you and reconsider, down the road.....even if she does not agree with you, in the immediate.....
September is a long time away....so there is plenty of time for it to come apart, on it's own...…
You have all my considerable empathy.....this is a really difficult position for a mother.....
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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What was it Albert Einstein said……………….If I were to remain silent, I’d be guilty of complicity.
I think today it’s time to remain silent, wait and see if more is revealed. September is months away.
But I do think for your own sake that when the time is right you tell your daughter how you feel. Speak to her from your heart and tell her you cannot be part of the mistake she is making.
I think today it’s time to remain silent, wait and see if more is revealed. September is months away.
But I do think for your own sake that when the time is right you tell your daughter how you feel. Speak to her from your heart and tell her you cannot be part of the mistake she is making.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Marie, bear in mind that I am not a parent, and cannot even begin to imagine what this feels like.
If you choose not to go the wedding, I think you send the message--whether intentional or not--that your love and support is conditional, and that you do not trust her to lead her own life, make her own mistakes, or clean up her own messes.
I am not of the opinion that going to the wedding in any way condones what you believe to be a big mistake.
You have time to think about this, to--when you are ready and if you are so inclined--talk to her more about her decisions. I think there is room for you to not remain silent (and therefore "complicit") in a way that is separate from the decision to be there on her day or not.
Ultimately, she doesn't need your permission or approval to marry whomever she wants to, but at the same time, I understand that sometimes we simply can't have a front row seat to the drama anymore without risking our own well-being.
If you choose not to go the wedding, I think you send the message--whether intentional or not--that your love and support is conditional, and that you do not trust her to lead her own life, make her own mistakes, or clean up her own messes.
I am not of the opinion that going to the wedding in any way condones what you believe to be a big mistake.
You have time to think about this, to--when you are ready and if you are so inclined--talk to her more about her decisions. I think there is room for you to not remain silent (and therefore "complicit") in a way that is separate from the decision to be there on her day or not.
Ultimately, she doesn't need your permission or approval to marry whomever she wants to, but at the same time, I understand that sometimes we simply can't have a front row seat to the drama anymore without risking our own well-being.
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altho it is not stated in the policy, i think most of us got here due to some poor decision making in our own pasts, right? in fact when many of us got here, we rebuked and rejected the notion that there was really anything wrong with OUR partner, and we clung to the notion of keeping the relationship intact, even tho there was suggested caution to NOT hold on quite so tightly.
how's it go? let he who is without sin....cast the first stone?
how's it go? let he who is without sin....cast the first stone?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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My family and friends hated my ex-fiance and made it quite clear, but they planned to attend the cursed wedding anyway. When my ex decided to call it off, my friends took the phone call and immediately cried - out of relief.
My take is that you would want to be there, just in case she decides to bail out at the last moment so you can offer your support then.
I also have been on the other side as a friend. I caught someone cheating on his fiance and told her about it. She decided to go through it anyway. I felt guilty for not being more assertive, but she assured me that even if I did push further, she wasn't ready to hear the truth.
I didn't attend her wedding, because my ex-fiance decided to dump me the week beforehand. Funny how that goes...
My take is that you would want to be there, just in case she decides to bail out at the last moment so you can offer your support then.
I also have been on the other side as a friend. I caught someone cheating on his fiance and told her about it. She decided to go through it anyway. I felt guilty for not being more assertive, but she assured me that even if I did push further, she wasn't ready to hear the truth.
I didn't attend her wedding, because my ex-fiance decided to dump me the week beforehand. Funny how that goes...
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, Marie.
Agree with Sparkle. Your daughter is going to do what she wants, and, end of the day, has the right to make her choices.
But..you can speak your truth to her, quietly and calmly, without expectation that she will act on it.
She’s your daughter, and you will love and support her.
As to not attending the wedding, I would ponder that one a bit.
You have some time.
Good luck. This is a tough situation.
I would
Agree with Sparkle. Your daughter is going to do what she wants, and, end of the day, has the right to make her choices.
But..you can speak your truth to her, quietly and calmly, without expectation that she will act on it.
She’s your daughter, and you will love and support her.
As to not attending the wedding, I would ponder that one a bit.
You have some time.
Good luck. This is a tough situation.
I would
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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The more you point out his faults, the more determined she'll be to protect him, most likely. Then she'll tell him, he'll defend himself along with her and you'll be the enemy.
I cannot tell you how many successful, beautiful, capable, confident women I've known who are drawn, time and time again, to guys like you describe. Several of those women even paid child support for his other child - same age as THEIR child together. SEVERAL of those women. I just don't get it. I'll never get it.
When I got out of my first marriage, which was abusive, I dove head first into self-help books and counseling cause I heard many times that we repeat the pattern unless we learn how we got there and why.
The only thing you can do is go to her wedding and be happy for her on her day. Cause we all know it'll be one of her last happy days.
Don't make her choose. You're only gonna give him ammunition for the isolation he's gonna try to impose upon her as quickly as possible. Domestic abuse 101.
Be her friend first so that she can feel safe coming to you. I mean there's no good that can come of you rejecting her during one of the worst mistakes she's probably ever gonna make. We know it's not gonna be long before she's paying for it herself.
Nobody's gonna win cause you're all up against not just a master manipulator but an actual professional criminal as well. The only hope is that he'll go to jail for many, many years before they get married....or even after.
Sorry you're going thru this. What a nightmare
I cannot tell you how many successful, beautiful, capable, confident women I've known who are drawn, time and time again, to guys like you describe. Several of those women even paid child support for his other child - same age as THEIR child together. SEVERAL of those women. I just don't get it. I'll never get it.
When I got out of my first marriage, which was abusive, I dove head first into self-help books and counseling cause I heard many times that we repeat the pattern unless we learn how we got there and why.
The only thing you can do is go to her wedding and be happy for her on her day. Cause we all know it'll be one of her last happy days.
Don't make her choose. You're only gonna give him ammunition for the isolation he's gonna try to impose upon her as quickly as possible. Domestic abuse 101.
Be her friend first so that she can feel safe coming to you. I mean there's no good that can come of you rejecting her during one of the worst mistakes she's probably ever gonna make. We know it's not gonna be long before she's paying for it herself.
Nobody's gonna win cause you're all up against not just a master manipulator but an actual professional criminal as well. The only hope is that he'll go to jail for many, many years before they get married....or even after.
Sorry you're going thru this. What a nightmare
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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I agree with rjyerkes - a shared enemy - you - will strengthen their bond. I've seen it happen with my husband's family. Be supportive of your daughter, she is going to do what she wants anyway. The best you can do is to be there for her when it all hits the fan. And it will.
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Yes indeed, the “shared enemy” bond is alive and thriving. My once happy home, has turned into a ruthless game of “ survivor”. My eldest daughter, (a federal agent) has made her position clear from day one. She will not be in attendance, her 3 beautiful children will not attend, her law enforcement husband will not attend. They do not, And will not , associate with attempted cop killers.. Then it got really ugly, she called her absent father out on 40 years-of bullsh*t, unfortunately, all of it true. He threatened to disinherit her, to which she responded, you did that the day you choose your career , golf, and dumb bimbo’s over your family. So here is my middle daughter, trying to be the forever voice of reason, and I sit with a lump in my throat, unable to respond, and all I can think , is I am DONE, I need to wash my granddaughter’ssoftball uniform, and then pack the grandkids lunches for tomorrow, oh and I have a big closing tomorrow too, better prepare.. then I am going to sit in my chair and rock my sweet baby girl. Eight girls later and I am wearing thin, but remain grateful for each of them.
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You have your eyes open and that's such a good thing, while also really painful Marie. I'm really sorry for that.
What a mess. I'm glad you are "done", distancing yourself from this madness and drama is a good thing for you and you need to look after you!
What's done is done and perhaps all this drama was unnecessary and maybe "attempted cop killers" etc didn't need to be drawn in to this (that's out of your control, of course) but the less drama here the better and since you can't control that, distancing yourself from it all is all you can do.
Now is the time to take care of yourself. It's a beautiful summer and time to enjoy it. You might not feel like that right now but one day at a time, take time to make your day happy (which it sounds like you are doing!)
This will all pass by the way. It will turn out however it will turn out. They will live happily ever after, they will fight like cats and dogs or they will end up divorced. However that goes is out of your hands now, they have obviously dug their heels in and aren't looking for advice.
What a mess. I'm glad you are "done", distancing yourself from this madness and drama is a good thing for you and you need to look after you!
What's done is done and perhaps all this drama was unnecessary and maybe "attempted cop killers" etc didn't need to be drawn in to this (that's out of your control, of course) but the less drama here the better and since you can't control that, distancing yourself from it all is all you can do.
Now is the time to take care of yourself. It's a beautiful summer and time to enjoy it. You might not feel like that right now but one day at a time, take time to make your day happy (which it sounds like you are doing!)
This will all pass by the way. It will turn out however it will turn out. They will live happily ever after, they will fight like cats and dogs or they will end up divorced. However that goes is out of your hands now, they have obviously dug their heels in and aren't looking for advice.
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Originally Posted by marie1960 
Currently, the only thing I can offer my daughter is my silence. She is 31, not a child, and aware of the judgements against him. I keep reminding myself , she can live as she sees fit, but how does a beautiful, vibrant. Full of life young woman, get tangled up in this crazy.? Takes me back to my birds of a feather theory, more will be revealed, can’t wait to see the price she will pay for this insanity.
You said it yourself- your daughter is 31, etc. My best suggestion since you asked is to be silent and for your own mental health (and dare I say, the understanding of this "stuff") perhaps CODA or such would be an excellent idea for you to start NOW. Sep is 3ish months away; perhaps a diligent families of prog would help you on the road to emotional acceptance of this terrible situation.
My best to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
It would be a tough decision. I mean you are seeing this sidelines, and you do not want your daughter to get hurt. Your daughter is seeing this with her heart. I do feel though that once your married and have children you do have to see it through with both your head and heart.
How were her relationships before she met this guy and how is this guy a better guy for her to be married to and to have children with?
It would be good for you to get to know this guy as well and ask good questions, not an analysis of all the bad things that he has done in his past. But questions that you would ask of anyone who would want to marry your daughter. Why do you love her? Are you wanting to have children in the future?
It is obvious that your daughter is in love with this guy.
Time will really tell this guy's true intentions.
I think the one thing about being married to an alcoholic is that you really do not know who they really are. When my husband did get sober though and stayed sober for several years, I just saw him for who he was.
How were her relationships before she met this guy and how is this guy a better guy for her to be married to and to have children with?
It would be good for you to get to know this guy as well and ask good questions, not an analysis of all the bad things that he has done in his past. But questions that you would ask of anyone who would want to marry your daughter. Why do you love her? Are you wanting to have children in the future?
It is obvious that your daughter is in love with this guy.
Time will really tell this guy's true intentions.
I think the one thing about being married to an alcoholic is that you really do not know who they really are. When my husband did get sober though and stayed sober for several years, I just saw him for who he was.
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