Cadence57

As I have been reading and doing the "homework" in the book, I've come to realize some (more) indisputable things about myself. First off, it's not HIM that's making me feel this way, it's me... I'm doing this to myself. It's a VERY old and ingrained habit of mine to fret, to feel "out of control" with anxiety, to try and fix or save those whose lives are tumbling out of control - it's a diversion and it keeps me from having to examine and fix my own life...

I can go back to when I was 5 and see where it came from. Lying in bed at night as my parents argued/fought downstairs. Lying awake and listening --- worrying, about whether or not I should "save" my mother... Sh*t, I was 5 for G_dssake - what could I do?? Lying in bed and listening to my brother hit and push my mother around when dad was at work... This is the same brother who abused me for years... I felt like it was MY job to protect her, and if I did what he said, he'd leave her alone (is that sick or what?). I had anxiety attacks from the time I was in Kindergarten - until I was a teenager. I was literally terrified that if I wasn't there to protect her, something awful would happen. I never slept over anyone's house for the same reason. The few times I tried, I always ended up having panic attacks and going home -- even when home was right nextdoor.

Despite trying "everything" to MAKE her quit drinking, I could not save her. I watched as her health declined. I watched as her skin turned yellow and her stomach distended further than my 8th month pregnant belly. I watched as the disease ate away at her insides. I watched her as she writhed in pain, despite the morphine, and literally vomited her guts up. Those 8 weeks of hell may as well have been 80 years but in the end, nothing I said or did all those years before, mattered - she was never ready to quit, never ready to make the changes in her life that would support and enhance sobriety. It wasn't my fault - I know that in my head, but I still have regrets and wonder if there was something I didn't try -- something I could have said or done or.... what? I don't know.

I've lived my entire life with this disease in one form or another. Numbing has never been an option for me - I knew from the time I was a small child, that alcohol was the biggest problem in our family. I saw the progression from sober to drunk on a daily basis. I saw the denial, I saw the deception, I saw the violence and insanity borne of the disease - I lived it. That is why I asked him (my exA) right off the bat about his drinking habits - I know what this disease does to me. It's all I knew until I learned differently. I'm embarrassed to say that I was an adult when the realization hit me that not everyone lived this way... But once I knew that it didn't have to be that way, I swore I would NEVER live that way... now here WE are... his disease started working it's stuff on me right out of the gate when he lied about his drinking... and here I am ... despite the red flags early on, I find myself loving him with all my heart but unable to save him anymore than I was able to save my mom. It's a harsh pill to swallow.

PS - I should add that I'm 47, so I've been reacting in this manner for over 40 years!!! It's a bit intimidating and daunting to think about undoing 40+ years of habit...

minnie

Marti

I posted something about this on another of your threads.

Maybe it's because you didn't save your Mum that you have got into relationships with people who you think you CAN save. But that won't work because they aren't your Mum and anyway, as we all know, we can't save anyone, they have to want to save themselves.

I have had exactly the same type of revelation recently.

Minnie
xx

Cadence57

Hi Minnie,
Yes, I definitely see the psychology going on here. It's a "normal" pattern to right the wrongs of our childhood (I think I first learned about this pattern in one of Harville Hendrick's books). I've been very diligent in choosing partners who don't drink, because I don't want to fall into the trap of trying to save them... I got snagged by this one though and, naturally, this relationship was probably one of the most serious relationships I've had in over ten years... go figure... Obviously, my work on myself is just beginning!

brightlight

((((Cadence57)))) It is just unreal that people would drink and do this. I can see what happens to children from all this. My family did not drink and there was nothing like that, but I did the protecting thing and I think that is why I picked a man I could protect or help. I am worried that my daughter is not going to trust a man and that even though he may be the most wonderful husband in the world, she may not believe him when he says he is going to the grocery store. Since her dad starting lying to us and saying he will be right back, but goes to the bar.

minnie

There is no alcoholism in my family either, but my Mum was in hospital with post-natal depression for a long time after my younger brother was born. That's where my rescuing comes from. My first serious b/f, who I was with for 10 years, had not long lost his girlfriend in a car crash. My current b/f is an alcoholic. Patterns anyone? Why couldn't I see it until now?

I don't know what you can do regards your daughter, brightlight. My parents did everything they could to protect me from the consequences of my mother's illness and I look back at a very happy childhood and I am very close to my family. Somehow, that pattern was created and I am now, at age 31, breaking it. Looking back, I didn't caretake my mum in the sense of nursing her, but I know that we all avoided creating situations which we thought would make her ill again. Which is exactly what I did with my A b/f and his drinking. That is the hardest thought process to break - it is "natural".

Blimey, we are all doing a lot of soul-searching on here at the moment, aren't we?

DesertEyes

Heya Marti :-)

Know exactly how you feel. My story is almost the same as yours.

Yup, same here, 'cept it's my wife.

Same here, 'cept you were braver than me, I was hiding under the bed.

Same here, I tried to save all of 'em. They all died of their addiciton. Mom, Dad, Uncle, Aunt, etc. etc.

No need to be embarrased :-) You're not supposed to be perfect, ya know :-) You're only human like the rest of us. Is that an ACA thing? Being too demanding of ourselves?

Yup. I feel exactly the same way about my wife. I'm trying to build up my faith to the point where I can trust my HP to do the saving, instead of me trying to do it for Him. What I'm supposed to do is _witness_ the miracles, be supportive of the HP's work in small ways. I'm not supposed to be the director. One of the ways I'm doing that is by allowing my r/l friends to be supportive of _me_. I have learned that by getting involved with others I will have the opportunity to see the miracles in _their_ lives, and that will help me build faith for _my_ life.

Yup, same here. I think there's tons of things I could have done _different_, but I'm pretty sure none of it would have made any difference at all. They had plenty of opportunity to change their lives, they were not stupid or incapacitated. The only person in the world that _might_ have had a chance at saving their lives was themselves. Even if I had somehow managed to force them to read all the AA books and attend all the meetings it still would not have made any difference because they didn't _want_ to change. They didn't have the internal _need_ to live a better life.

I have the opportunity to live a better life now. I have the opportunity to be _different_ than them. But different not just about not drinking and using, different about my _attitude_ towards life. I am not going to regret my past, the way my parents did. I am going to live for my future, and enjoy the present. I am not going to hide from my own character defects, the way all the A's in my life did. I am going to deal with them and make daily progress in correcting them. I am not going to shut the door on my past either, I'm going to share it with other in the hopes that it may benefit them in their own lives.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

Magichappens

Cadence,
I have been going through a lot of the same things lately. Admitting that I was the one who was done wrong as a child has been hard to grasp. I always believed that the adults in my life were right and that there was something wrong with me. I was the reason they couldn't love me. If I could only fix them, they would love me. I have been trying to get that love all my life, in all my relationships.

I am not big on psyco babble, but lately I have looked at trying some original pain work. I have to find something to heal that lifelong wound. It is going to take time and the willingness to feel a lot of uncomfortable feelings, but I don't see where I have any other options if I want to change.

You're not alone. Keep posting. Sharing what we are going through keeps us from feeling like we are the only one. You have helped me today. Hugs, Magic

Cadence57

Heya Mike - nice "tag" under your name... heheheh
Wow, great point.
My dad was an orchestra conductor - I come by my need to direct everything honestly... (nice try, eh? "anda one anda two...") :lame:

Amen...


That's what I'm working on right now... changing my attitude.


Pretty impressive. :woo You've been doing the work and it sounds like you're experiencing success. I'm in awe and I want what you have!

Cadence57

Thanks ****{Magic}}}
I agree - there must be something that will help to heal the original pain - the abandonment, abusiveness, and neglect that come as a package deal when growing up with or living with an alcoholic. I understand that Bradshaw has a book (whose name escapes me) on healing the inner child and the wounds at their core.
I'm glad I was able to help you. I know that just assembling the thoughts into actual words has helped me immensely.

Marti

Magichappens

It's called "Homecoming" and I am attempting to work through it. My logical side is rebelling against it, but I think that if I can get through it, it will help. Hugs, Magic

Cadence57

Yes, that's it! I'm with you - my logical side would have a problem with some of it as well. I think it requires the reader to suspend current reality in order to do the work.

delabarreda74

Do something fabulous for you today,...honor you!!! we do.

DesertEyes

Hey! No snide remarks about the color of my whiskers!

How 'bout that. I studied music for two years at a big College in the deep south. Always dreamed of being a conductor.

Not even! This is what I've come to understand about myself. I'm a _long_ way from being able to put this into practice in my daily life. Success will come when I intuitively know how to be compassionate without fear, how to handle situations that currently baffle me. When I can look back at these 19yrs of my life and know, deep in my heart and soul, that I did the best I could and that walking away was the best decision for both my wife and for me. Those feelings are worlds away from me right now, and I don't expect I'll have them any time soon.

All yours Marti, I'm just reading the same books you are :-) From what you're posting me thinks you're doing real fine over there :-) I can't even imagine the pain you must be going thru, but I want you to know that we're all here for ya.

Mike :-)
p.s. Does Laz eat apples? I've heard rumor that apples are a favorite snack.