Barnabas

I had over two years before I met and mistakenly drank wine while dating. my mistake. i didn't have much problems with the wine. yeah sometimes went to bed to late but never anything really.

the drugs i did when i was much younger. it seemed to be just a mad period then i stopped. stopped everything. then drank. went to parties and occasionally the old habit would appear like taking e¡x or something. so stopped again for over two.

when i started drinking wine again just because i would drink more than her the nagging would begin. and she knows how to nag.

I can't stand nagging and eventually i just said to hell with this and went out and did a load of coke for two days. and that has been the pattern.

when i come back she is angry and cold and i can't stand it and i go out again. the anger gives me anxiety

thinking she's my trigger

trachemys

she aint your trigger

responsibility is your trigger

Gottalife

Get rid of her then. My guess is you will still be using because the problem is internal. You girlfriend may have her faults, but she is not the cause of your problem.

Barnabas

No matter what happens, I'm quit for good. so no with or without her, I won't be using. I've made a couple of actions already about that.

but just reflecting, I was the one who bought 6 packs of wine and one time she had a bottle that was a gift and she left it there. it was a cheap bottle nothing special and one night I sparked and she went on the rampage. a bottle of wine? calm down.

AnvilheadII

nope, she is not the problem....alcohol and attitude are.

Barnabas

how does that make sense

trachemys

You want to make her responsible for your behavior

She aint

Barnabas

ok so when you're having a relaxed wine and someone starts going off on you. critizising, yelling, being angry...

that has no impact?

you drink their half bottle of wine after all that you've given to them and they say you are a selfish pig....

no impact?

trachemys

It's your response

Barnabas

No, I didn't say problem.....I said trigger.

I'm quit and I don't plan on going back but I'm reflecting and trying to plan ahead with regards to triggers and how to deal with them

biminiblue

It was your anger and your resentment toward her actions that you let influence you to pick up a drink.

Ya think you'll find any relationships that don't have disagreements?

I agree with Mike, though. Just break up.

It's you, not her.

Barnabas

I bet if I were a woman people would send me links for and about "abusive relationships"

being a man people say "deal with it"

that's sexism

Barnabas

Hmm I wish I could express anger. I'm too easy going, I don't have anger towards her actions, I tend to get anxious. I think she gets annoyed because I don't take her anger seriously but I kind of nervously laugh. i say nervously for want of a better word. i don't know how to act when someone gets angry

trachemys

Ask the women here how gentle I am with them. Ask biminiblue.

Barnabas

She broke a broom over me before.

I guess that was me, not her

never laid my hand on her, don't raise my voice in anger.

but it's me

biminiblue

'scuse me? No idea what that means, trach.


Barnabas, if you don't like the way the woman treats you, move on or stand up for yourself, man. Don't drink at her.

The drinking is absolutely on you - regardless.

*edit to say* (we cross-posted, Barnabas) The broom? That's violence. I'd call the police AND break up with her. Sorry that happened - but drinking is not a solution.

trachemys

Yes, that was you.

You let someone break a broom over you. Read that again:

You let someone break a broom over you.

trachemys

sorry, bimini. re-reading it, I don't either.

Renvate

sounds like hypocrisy is building resentment.

and sounds like booze is making two emotional states go haywire.

and it also sounds like she is not seeing her hypocrisy, and neither are you.

This is where it gets harder. Somone just has to let it go and be the patient one and stop the "she/he did this, but i did this"

Its alot of work to have more patience in a relationship then your partner. Its also alot of work to explain WHY you're being patient and hope they come to your logic.

woman nag, that's what woman do. And Its a mans job to build his mental state to his own higher level where the nagging becomes music and it never bothers him anymore (or as much).

In my experience, a complaint about nagging usually leads to more nagging.

In the past, I was angry with my gf for damaging actions, disrespectful actions. i had huge resentment. But to keep the peace i moved past them. i also bit my tongue when i felt the situation was unfare, because i knew my reaction would be explosive, and it was my responsibility to NOT be explosive.

Unfortunately, i didn't forget them though and they ultimately ended our relationship - that's just life i guess.

tomsteve

my sons mother was physically and verbally abusive to me.
it was me because i stayed in the relationship when i could have ended it at any time.

when i stopped living in the problem and began living in the solution,the problem went away.