Starsabove32

In terms of dating... Where do people meet people to date?? I've had a look online on a few dating apps, it's been fairly unsuccessful. I live in a small town.... Any group things I go to are mainly only women. The only facilities nearby are pubs..... I'm baffled.

August252015

How long have you been sober? That might be the most important question- then, how is it going- before considering dating at all, as it was for me.

Gottalife

I suppose I have met people to date through a variety of situations. Through travel, friends, parties, work, dating sites, clubs, events like shows or markets, in cafes, let’s face it, people are everywhere, all it requires is an effort to strike up a conversation and see where it goes.

Finding that “special”person might take some time though. I know how inportant that can feel to the recovering alcoholic. The instinct for security is very strong and will often lead us into places we would not want to go.

In that regard, patience and preparation seem to be the thing. My sponsor used to tell me that when I stopped trying to make things happen, when I was ready ( grown up a bit) and most likely when I was least expecting it, the right person would come along. And so it proved to be.

Preparation to me not only includes progress in my recovery, it also involves getting out there and learning how to relate to the opposite sex. A bit like a teenager, I had a learning process to go through. I did not know how to get on in the world, and the only way to find out was go and give it a try.

Renvate

Its the same for most people I am guessing.

You build and live your own life to the best it can be. And in that process, you will begin to attract someone to you without even knowing it. This seems to be the most common and natural way. Its all about patience.

Now patience is probably one of the most valuable skills to learn as it will always be handy in life. Interestingly enough one needs the patience to master patience.

Searching for someone can speed up the process, but the waters can be hard to navigate if you are not in a state of peace in your own mind as of this moment.


Personally, I am always searching, but my reasons are wrong right now. Atm i need to replace the mold my ex gf left with another woman. This is wrong. So ive made it my goal to meet, date, and enjoy the company and conversation with other women. Be it a quick chat at the checkout counter, or a few mins at a group activity, or do some work to get a date.

Physical appearance is also very important. As a drinker, i had let myself go drastically, and now working my way up back to "dateable" form.

I believe this is step number 1 if a person wants to start dating and start attracting people - one needs to get off his/her butt no matter how unpleasant it is.




That's what I am told anyway.

VigilanceNow

I can relate to this. Since I started working on my sobriety I realized just how many activities center around drinking! I’ve become more comfortable not indulging in a drink, but man was it hard at first. People look at you like you’re crazy if you order a non-alcoholic beverage from somewhere like a pub or bar.

I think the crucial item here though is how long you’ve been sober and if you feel ready to date yet. Most people with addiction issues are codependent by nature, and that’s something that should be dealt with prior to a serious relationship. Further, it is suggested to avoid any new serious relationships in the first year... few people actually follow that, but it’s a suggestion for a reason. I know in my case, I was an emotional roller coaster for a while; sometimes happy, sometimes resentful, sometimes even missing old bad habits. It’s too easy to be devious with someone you just met and perhaps doesn’t know your struggle. I used it as a kind of escape, but it led me down all the wrong paths yet again.

Hawkeye13

I agree with others--don't rush into another relationship in early sobriety.

It tends to be a "replacement addiction" and then if things go wrong, it's really easy to pick up again.

Work on being the best you and dealing with the underlying issues of why you drank in the first place.

Give yourself the best chance for future long-term happiness.

You deserve it!

sobersolstice

I've been on two dates since I've become sober 74 days ago. One was a climbing date, which was fun, but was asked to grab a beer afterwards, and had to white knuckle through it with a sparkling water, as she drank. The second one was a 20 minute coffee date a couple hours away last night. I felt natural, and talk to folks like I already know them, but there are pauses in conversation because I'm not loose. They both kind of popped out of nowhere, but I'm glad I stayed sober, and met a couple possible activity friends. I used to drink if dates didn't go well, but I'm learning to just accept that not everyone is attracted to everyone. Sometimes, it stings more, but it's good re-learning how to live.

Renvate

First dates are always gonnna have pauses. You Just gotta have smart open ended questions up your sleeve, it really is just practice.

I remember I went on a date with a girl once who had heaps of these questions, I then realised how easy it was to not have pauses, i learnt from her that you just gotta come abit prepared.