Schne

ABF is supposed to start outpatient recovery and mental health counseling, he’s gone to the consultation this past Friday and the program components were gone over and they are supposed to start this coming week. He says he hasn’t had any alchohol for 4 days, it’s been like 2 in real life. This morning after I got out of the shower I noticed my purse not where I left it and $10 missing. He interrupted my shower to tell me he brought the keys home from work and had to meet his relief employee to give the keys back. Do I confront him with I know he took $10 from me or just let it go? I’m not surprised he’s drinking, but I’m upset he took money from me. Thanks I’m advance for any words of wisdom

dandylion

Schne…..if you are willing to tell ME about it...why would you not mention it to him?
Alcoholism and addiction affects the body, mind and moral values of the individual who are controlled by these substances...…

Learn everything you can about this disease and the effects on the loved ones.....

I suggest the following.....
Read....
1. "The Addicted Mind"...
and
2. "Co-dependent No More"...…

Here is a link to our extensive library of articles about the effect of alcoholism on the loved ones.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

53500

Ugh, I know the feeling...my ex-addict used to steal money and any possible pill-shaped thing he could find from me and my college roommates. I never confronted him. My way of dealing with it in those days was to pretend it didn't happen. So it kept happening.

SparkleKitty

Is there something you are afraid will happen if you do confront him?

Either way, I would not leave your purse anywhere accessible to him in the future unless you want him to take money from it.

Schne

I said something and he denied it, now he’s acting all mad at me for accusing him of stealing from me, so he won’t talk to me for awhile now

biminiblue

If you're sure he stole it - I think that would be a dealbreaker for me.

I had a boyfriend who stole my spare change off my dresser.

I mean, really?

Next.

SparkleKitty

This was the classic MO with my XABF, too. Do something underhanded, not even really try to hide it, and then try to turn the whole thing around on me when/because I had the nerve to call him out on it.

This is called gaslighting, and it's a form of emotional abuse.

You know what you know, and he is showing you who he is.

53500

So he's drinking and stealing from you and lying about both. You'll have to decide what you want to do.

Schne

Now I do have to to decide what to do, yes. I wish it were easier done than easier said. Endings of any kind are never easy. Thanks for y’alls responses, it helps having others to bounce this stuff off on. Words of wisdom.

Mango212

Addiction/alcoholism has no boundaries. This disease lies again and again.

Our boundaries are actions we take for ourselves. We can't force others to change. We can try calling them on it, yet if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl


Now I pray, I meditate, I ask for guidance, I take new actions.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this today. I'm glad you're here.

NYCDoglvr

The important thing is do you trust and respect him? If the answer is no how much of a relationship do you think is possible?

AnvilheadII

if this was anyone else, who when your back was turned, got into your purse and took money, what would you do? it is THEFT. your abf doesn't get special treatment or a pass.........its still theft.

ignore his little pouty act, he is simply trying to deflect....he knows he's stone cold busted. i'd be handing him some hefty bags to pack......but that's just me......

choublak

Now you’re always going to be wondering if he steals anything else.

VigilanceNow

I think some good suggestions have been made here. It definitely helps to understand the disease... I did things like stealing money if I was desperate enough, and I’d never been a thief before the alcohol really took hold of me and my priorities. At the same time, this is really a matter of trust. He has to get honest if he wants to seriously get better.

That said, I would let be able to let this go if I were you. If he gets away with it once, he will think he’s going to get away with it every time. I would probably be like “this isn’t about the money; it’s about my trust in you. You’re never going to get better if you keep lying. And that’s the honest truth.

Schne

My daughter reminded me that I had used the $10 I thought was missing as a tip for her hair appointment a few days earlier. I’ve apologized to him and said I didn’t handle the situation very well. He took the apology graciously. And he apologized to me for his recent behavior which he said probably caused me to be on edge to begin with. I feel awful, he feels awful, so I guess we just continue towards healing and recovery, with an open line of communication. Thank you all for the responses, I appreciate the sounding board.

trailmix

So glad that was sorted out for you!

I hope his treatment goes really well, please keep us updated.