myluckyday

I couldn't take it. I was on a ledge with no one to talk me down. I need to be stronger than this AV voice. For the past 25 plus years I've been the one to hold things together. Just once I want to feel that someone is taking care of me. I screwed up and drank tonight because I can't see beyond it. Now I feel ashamed and my liver is throbbing. I have so much to live for and so much to lose. I wish I could turn back the hands of time to before alcohol had a hold on me. I will try again tomorrow.

Zanna

Not worth it, is it? Once we know we have a problem with alcohol, we can never relax and enjoy it again, so the whole thing becomes pointless and shameful, as you found.
There honestly is a life beyond it and hey, you're one step ahead already, of those who aren't even trying or haven't recognised a problem in themselves, so that's a good thing
I admire your honesty - well done for posting!
Plenty of water and tomorrows another day.

Dee74

Hi Myluckyday
actually several of us did try and 'talk you down'.

I tell everyone - it's so important to not only post when you're in trouble, but you have to stick around for the responses too.

I understand that a part of you doesn't think it's fair -you do for others and so you deserve some looking after - but lifes not always like that

often we have to make some noise if we need help - other wise people will assume we're doing ok.

Don't engage with the AV - engage with people in recovery

D

Berrybean

One thing that comes up a lot in shares I hearing AA is that sense of aloneness that alcoholics feel. Plus a sense of not-enoughness. A feeling that we have to be the one person to hold everything together (even though actually we can also feel like we're living in a house of cards that could topple at any point in the moments of lucidity when we acknowledge what could happen in the poop hit the fan through our active alcoholism.)

You know, you do not have to do this alone. Chances are there is s whole fellowship of support that you could tap into, just a Google away. And that could start today if you choose to take the first steps. It's rare that anyone lives far from their closest AA meeting.

Please, reach out and get some support. You know, in doing so you'll also be strengthening that fellowship for others in the future.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.

BB

Rar

I'm sorry you drank myluckyday. . SR has talked me off my ledge several times. When I stuck around for the responses, I did not drink. My last relapse 9 days ago was when I didn't post first or ask for help. I knew better and you do too.

We are family and you are NOT alone. We are here for you. ((HUGS))

entropy1964

For the past 25 plus years I've been the one to hold things together. Just once I want to feel that someone is taking care of me.

I very much relate to these two phrases. And as Berry said, they are soooo common for alcoholics, especially women. I'm a single, widowed Mom so I do understand.

AA is ready and waiting if you need F2F support in recovery. But you make the choice. You have to decide to let help in.

As the caregiver and adult I have to learn to take care of myself. All the mechanics of care giving (cooking, cleaning, shopping, driving, yard work, bills) are pretty easy really. I just do them. Its that emotional part. And of course kids can't be the emotional support for their parents. And I've also learned that, no matter how supportive my partner was, he was never able to fill the void in my soul/heart. I have to do that. Self care and self soothing are so important for me. I actually choose not to have a partner, so even more important. I, by nature, choose 'things, people, substances' outside myself to make me feel better. That does not work consistently and I will eventually feel let down. I must have that ability to care for my needs myself, without the use of external resources. How that's done is up to the individual. A higher power? Behavioral modification......understanding when I need to make something about me. Learning to set consistent boundaries and not allow them to violated. Taking time for myself to exercise, hike, get my nails done, whatever. And to self sooth. I can be like a whiny little child at times. Never had that maternal connection as a child so maybe I long for it. But I'm the Mom now. So I have learned to sooth myself. Sounds silly but it works. My bender drinking (drinking a couple times a year to catastrophic results) was my 'way' of making it all about me. Yeah , if Mom is wasted in her room she can't exactly be there for anyone else. Let alone care give. I have had to learn to make it about me when I need to in a constructive way. And not get emotionally enmeshed. And not play the victim. The world will continue to spin without me....others are capable, if I let them be.

Hang in there.

Dee74

how are you going myluckyday?

D

myluckyday

I'm here. I know I have awesome support here and I'm so grateful for that. What I was referring to in having no one to talk me down was in my personal life. I'm doing this all on my own. I have to keep this to myself. It's so difficult. I'm not feeling well today. There are so many days where my situation in life is so overwhelming that I get physically sick. I think today is one of them. That is why I sometimes wish I could have someone actually take care of me. Oh well it's just a dream. I just wanted to let you know, I haven't drank today and don't plan on it. Thank you so much for asking for me. It means alot.

Berrybean

You know, not many people DO have support for this stuff in their personal life. Many of us are surrounded by normies who don't understand, or active alcoholics who continue to drink, or a mixture of both. And just because we get sober, itbdoesnt mean to say that life stops chucking stuff at us to deal with. It is hard. And that's why there are support groups. AA was started when two alcoholics trying to get sober got together And realised that they could strengthen each other, and it grew from that. I have no idea how many people are in that fellowship nowadays, but I do know that there are over 4400 meetings each week in the UK alone. Mad eh!? And there's be much more in larger countries. Those meetings happen because they need to find that face to face support so they can deal with life on life's terms (it's not ever going to stop making demands on us after all). People get sponsors who they can meet up with over coffee, or call for a chat when things seem tricky. Some, if they choose do, make friendships that extend to outside of the rooms. I have made a few good friendships and those people have leant on me for support, and I have leant on them as well.

I couldnt change my family or partner so they could support me, but i did have the option of seeking other support, which for me was in AA, but for others is SMART or Celebrate Recovery or whatever. It really is worth checking out the options available to you and giving some things a go.

BB

myluckyday

SR is definitely my lifeline. I don't know what I'd do without all of you here. I'm not drinking today and when the AV comes at me later on, I'll be back here for support.

lessgravity

Nice work mld. Stay strong.

Culture

Stay strong myluckyday. Just take it one day at a time

Gottalife

Do you see the contradiction here? SR did try to support you.Tried their best to talk you down from the ledge. You came back for support, it was given, but it was not enough.

You will need to do something different if you want a different result. Why not try Berrybeans suggestions?

myluckyday

You're right. You are all so supportive but when I want to drink and the urge is so bad, I won't come on here because I don't want to hear it. That's the issue. I need to come here when I have the slightest twinge. I was just thinking how beautiful it is out and how great a drink would be, so I came here.

lessgravity

No drink then, correct?

Rar

For sure! We might not want to hear it, but we have to have faith that it's going to work...and it does! Post and wait for the responses. Are you having difficulty now?

myluckyday

Thanks guys. I was having a moment a couple of hours ago but I'm over it and I'm now going to make dinner then read a book. No voices in my head at the moment.

lessgravity

Nice job, surfed the urge. I'm sure you are going to feel even better later.

myluckyday

Spent the evening looking at videos on how to repair a fatty liver. Going to bed now with my liver throbbing. When I quit for 4 months it felt so much better. Ugh!!!

Rar

Every day that goes by, gives your liver a chance to repair. You are doing great! .