So...he called me
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
So...he called me
My ex called me this morning.
When he goes on these binges, he normally calls me from restricted when he gets a new phone, but this time I received a call from an actual number. Even though I had a feeling it was him, it was weird for him to not block the number. So I picked up.
We talked for about 20 minutes, which went mostly like this:
"is now a good time to talk?"
"what's up?"
"I didn't know who else to call"
"Is everything okay?"
"I don't know, I don't know how I got here. I was doing so well" etc
Then I went into a spiel that can be summed up by a few big stories:
I love and care about you more than you will ever know, I cannot help you get better- you need to want it so bad that you make it happen on your own. Your actions have shown me you have no love for yourself and you have brought me down with you. I will pray you get better and find the help you need but I cannot be the one that brings you the help. When you are ready there are safe stations, facilities, NA meetings, and even help lines you can call if you have no transportation. I pray you get better, but it is out of my control.
It felt really good to let him know I loved him, and it feels really good to know I stayed firm in my boundaries. The old cycle we have been spinning on for 2 years would have played out with me picking him up and bringing him to a facility where now he needs to do it himself.
I did do the right thing- right?
When he goes on these binges, he normally calls me from restricted when he gets a new phone, but this time I received a call from an actual number. Even though I had a feeling it was him, it was weird for him to not block the number. So I picked up.
We talked for about 20 minutes, which went mostly like this:
"is now a good time to talk?"
"what's up?"
"I didn't know who else to call"
"Is everything okay?"
"I don't know, I don't know how I got here. I was doing so well" etc
Then I went into a spiel that can be summed up by a few big stories:
I love and care about you more than you will ever know, I cannot help you get better- you need to want it so bad that you make it happen on your own. Your actions have shown me you have no love for yourself and you have brought me down with you. I will pray you get better and find the help you need but I cannot be the one that brings you the help. When you are ready there are safe stations, facilities, NA meetings, and even help lines you can call if you have no transportation. I pray you get better, but it is out of my control.
It felt really good to let him know I loved him, and it feels really good to know I stayed firm in my boundaries. The old cycle we have been spinning on for 2 years would have played out with me picking him up and bringing him to a facility where now he needs to do it himself.
I did do the right thing- right?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
You're on the right track.
Just keep in mind:
You got to the point where you realized you can no longer trust his words- only his actions.
Most likely, he feels the same way about you. He's called your bluff before. You've told him "No more", and he's found this was not the case.
So just as you will be paying attention only to his actions from now on (I hope!), he will be paying attention to yours.
Easier SAID than DONE.
But the more effort you put into your recovery, the better off you'll be.
Just keep in mind:
You got to the point where you realized you can no longer trust his words- only his actions.
Most likely, he feels the same way about you. He's called your bluff before. You've told him "No more", and he's found this was not the case.
So just as you will be paying attention only to his actions from now on (I hope!), he will be paying attention to yours.
Easier SAID than DONE.
But the more effort you put into your recovery, the better off you'll be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
"I don't know, I don't know how I got here. I was doing so well."
My sister uses the passive voice too. It comes out in various ways "God will provide." "I'll let my intentions out into the universe and someone else will take care of it."
Until he takes charge of his own actions, there's not much point in trying to help him.
That said, you did good.
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