scared and alone...long
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
scared and alone...long
I am almost more scared now…than I was before…but I know this is part of my recovery…I need to learn to believe in myself and stand on my own two feet. I took care of us…I made sure the bills were paid….this issues were taken care of…our son was fed and doctors appointments were handled….the dogs went to their vet appointments and had food everyday…if something was late or “we forgot it” it was I that forgot it because he never took care of it anyway.
But now…its just me, our son and one of the dogs…I feel like I am drowning...I don’t really understand it...because the reality is that I have less to be concerned with…but I am struggling to make it through each day….I think I just had a tough weekend….this is the first weekend in a long time that I had nothing that I HAD to do or worry about…sure I cleaned up some…did some laundry…but there was A LOT less of it….and then there was nothing…
I had lunch with an old friend yesterday…it was a guy but it wasn’t about dating…it was about old times….there were a bunch of us that used to hang out…but before we even finished eating he “had to go” because well we had nothing to talk about….I can’t even hold a conversation…..
My job is exciting…but very challenging....I am teaching classes I have never taught before....and well I don’t have the “time or energy” to prepare like I should….I am so afraid of looking stupid and failing…..I am setting myself up for failure.
Yesterday morning I had my son call his daddy….he only likes to talk to him in the AM and the AH calls all day to talk to him…and will continue to call till our son talks so we call in the morning…anyway the AH wanted to talk to me…he said he had an interesting night the night before…he was leaning against a door and it fell open..he fell against the washing machine..cracked his head open and got 15 stitches…I did not ask…but as he told the story he tried to make it sound so innocent…SOBER and all…did not say those words…but did not say he was drinking either…Ok..tell me I have leaned up against doors before that were not latched shut..but I cant’ imagine falling so hard against it that I fell and hit my head for STITCHES…he even had to make it into work early that morning…you know..so no one would suspect why he had stitches in his head…if he made it into work early the next day..it surely was not because of drinking…they are already watching him and his drinking….NORMALLY on a Saturday he would not go in till noon or after because he likes to sleep in..but not this Saturday..after getting 15 stitches in his head he is there bright and early….
Then to top off the day…I was “depressed” all day…not because I miss the AH because..its weird but I don’t….I just can’t get past all of the change…my son was tired and at bead time…started asking to go home to see his daddy..he missed his daddy….he and I both cried….he was better today..like it didn’t happen…I am trying so hard to be strong…so hard to make a life for us….but I really feel like I am failing….over and over again….still on going…I emailed the Milam recovery center in the area to ask them for referrals for family recovery..for me…I need help….I don’t know where to go…don’t know how to do it…I KNOW I don’t want to go back..I just don’t know how to keep going forward….
But now…its just me, our son and one of the dogs…I feel like I am drowning...I don’t really understand it...because the reality is that I have less to be concerned with…but I am struggling to make it through each day….I think I just had a tough weekend….this is the first weekend in a long time that I had nothing that I HAD to do or worry about…sure I cleaned up some…did some laundry…but there was A LOT less of it….and then there was nothing…
I had lunch with an old friend yesterday…it was a guy but it wasn’t about dating…it was about old times….there were a bunch of us that used to hang out…but before we even finished eating he “had to go” because well we had nothing to talk about….I can’t even hold a conversation…..
My job is exciting…but very challenging....I am teaching classes I have never taught before....and well I don’t have the “time or energy” to prepare like I should….I am so afraid of looking stupid and failing…..I am setting myself up for failure.
Yesterday morning I had my son call his daddy….he only likes to talk to him in the AM and the AH calls all day to talk to him…and will continue to call till our son talks so we call in the morning…anyway the AH wanted to talk to me…he said he had an interesting night the night before…he was leaning against a door and it fell open..he fell against the washing machine..cracked his head open and got 15 stitches…I did not ask…but as he told the story he tried to make it sound so innocent…SOBER and all…did not say those words…but did not say he was drinking either…Ok..tell me I have leaned up against doors before that were not latched shut..but I cant’ imagine falling so hard against it that I fell and hit my head for STITCHES…he even had to make it into work early that morning…you know..so no one would suspect why he had stitches in his head…if he made it into work early the next day..it surely was not because of drinking…they are already watching him and his drinking….NORMALLY on a Saturday he would not go in till noon or after because he likes to sleep in..but not this Saturday..after getting 15 stitches in his head he is there bright and early….
Then to top off the day…I was “depressed” all day…not because I miss the AH because..its weird but I don’t….I just can’t get past all of the change…my son was tired and at bead time…started asking to go home to see his daddy..he missed his daddy….he and I both cried….he was better today..like it didn’t happen…I am trying so hard to be strong…so hard to make a life for us….but I really feel like I am failing….over and over again….still on going…I emailed the Milam recovery center in the area to ask them for referrals for family recovery..for me…I need help….I don’t know where to go…don’t know how to do it…I KNOW I don’t want to go back..I just don’t know how to keep going forward….
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Skyleh,
It's hard when you're starting out on your own. There are a lot of changes to get used to. It can feel overwhelming at times. This is why the program suggests that we take life one day at a time. Or one hour at a time, when necessary. In time, you will get used to the direction your life has taken. For now, be gentle with yourself and take each step as it comes.
Gabe
It's hard when you're starting out on your own. There are a lot of changes to get used to. It can feel overwhelming at times. This is why the program suggests that we take life one day at a time. Or one hour at a time, when necessary. In time, you will get used to the direction your life has taken. For now, be gentle with yourself and take each step as it comes.
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
You have been through a huge, life-changing event, and now you and your son have to work through the adjustment. What you are feeling is normal. It took real courage to make the choices you have made.
Force yourself to go through the motions, and soon you will feel the corresponding emotions.
Force yourself to go through the motions, and soon you will feel the corresponding emotions.
runs with scissors
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 9
For me, the hardest part of starting over was the quiet. I had become so used to the ridiculous stress of a substance abuser's environment, I didn't know what to do with the calm or silence. I remember hearing a line in a song, "I've found the secret to life: I'm ok when everything is not ok..." and thinking it was SO sad but true. I had no mess left to fix. All I had ever done was fix a mess...what the heck was I supposed to do without that?
Believe it or not, this goes away in time. The most important thing you can do right now is surround yourself with people who support you and your decision. Even if we're just text on a screen here, know that you have that supportive environment here.
Believe it or not, this goes away in time. The most important thing you can do right now is surround yourself with people who support you and your decision. Even if we're just text on a screen here, know that you have that supportive environment here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
skyleh - take it easy on yourself - you have made positive strides in bettering your life and your son's. if you need to seek additional recovery help, do so. How could it not be different for we that have done so much for so long to suddenly go from one extreme to another?
take care - hugs and support coming your way!
take care - hugs and support coming your way!
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
(((skyleh))) everything you're going through is normal. It's kind of like dealing with a death... you have to go through the range of anger, denial, guilt, depression... until you reach acceptance. It takes awhile. You can't expect to feel normal right now so don't beat yourself up. It's a good idea that you're getting a counselor to help you through this.
Like Gabe says...
Take care of yourself. Big Hugs! 
Like Gabe says...
This is why the program suggests that we take life one day at a time. Or one hour at a time, when necessary. In time, you will get used to the direction your life has taken. For now, be gentle with yourself and take each step as it comes.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Sky,
Everything you talked about is perfectly normal. Seeing a family counselor or therapist would help you tremendously.
You might think about keeping yourself busy. That's when we get in the most trouble with our heads. When we're bored.
Find things you and your son would enjoy doing together. Take the focus off of the A and put it on you and your little one totally.
Oh, and don't forget the alanon meetings. They will be the foundation for your growth and recovery.
Blessings, Kathy
Everything you talked about is perfectly normal. Seeing a family counselor or therapist would help you tremendously.
You might think about keeping yourself busy. That's when we get in the most trouble with our heads. When we're bored.
Find things you and your son would enjoy doing together. Take the focus off of the A and put it on you and your little one totally.
Oh, and don't forget the alanon meetings. They will be the foundation for your growth and recovery.
Blessings, Kathy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there skyleh :-)
I feel exactly the same way you do when I'm by myself. With all the stress in my life my head just gets going on it's own and next thing you know I've thought myself into being depressed.
What works for me is to get in touch with people in real life. This forum is great, but nothing beats a real person in real life or on the phone. If you don't have a list of phone numbers from Al-Anon meetings, get one. They would love to have you call them and help ground them as much as ground yourself. I've called people I haven't see for years and they welcomed me back and want me to spend the holidays with them. Talk about giving me a "hope boost" :-)
Get on the phone, skyleh. You've earned the right to be happy so go be happy :-)
Mike :-)
I feel exactly the same way you do when I'm by myself. With all the stress in my life my head just gets going on it's own and next thing you know I've thought myself into being depressed.
What works for me is to get in touch with people in real life. This forum is great, but nothing beats a real person in real life or on the phone. If you don't have a list of phone numbers from Al-Anon meetings, get one. They would love to have you call them and help ground them as much as ground yourself. I've called people I haven't see for years and they welcomed me back and want me to spend the holidays with them. Talk about giving me a "hope boost" :-)
Get on the phone, skyleh. You've earned the right to be happy so go be happy :-)
Mike :-)
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