Barnabas

On day 2 and I'm not sure what happened....

Started drinking yesterday early evening and all I know is that I just got home now. More than twenty four hours later.

I didn't go to work neither did I call in

Ignored girlfriends calls. I remember telling her i was going out and telling her exactly where I was going and that this will be sorted soon and I'd be back in a few hours.

She sent me a message today "at least let me know your alright"....I sent her a text when on way home in taxi. She thanked me. Poor girl.

All I remember was having to do some work on computer and I needed to scan some documents and email them. I couldn't get the scanner to connect to the computer and getting frustrated at that and frustrated at the mess of the place..

Then the messages started. Drug person who I buy from and share with.....well she kind of gets it for me. I had blocked this person on my phone and deleted the contact.....

However, I hadn't blocked it through whatsapp.....and the messages started to come through whatsapp.....overload of messages.

I caved.

wildflower70

This is scary stuff....and I've been in these shoes.

I would begin by calling your boss or emailing with an excuse (illness) for not being at work. Maybe include that you were too sick to call in a timely manner.

Maybe evaluate how dangerous the blackouts can be....
I'm so glad to be done with them.

Wish you well today, good luck

AnvilheadII

i think you know what happened.....you got frustrated and decided to drink at it. then the wheels came off.

it's scary just how quickly those wheels can start flying off, isn't it? one drink and now you have some job jeopardy, a very worried g/f, and huge ton of regret.

so what do we do? get some rest, get some food, and really dive into developing a solid RECOVERY PLAN. commit to not drinking today, no matter what. and keep doing that. you CAN do this.

calmself

OP, Pretty sure you need professional help in addition to the support here. It is one thing that we black out and feel upset next day morning after a 6 pack and another if some one has to lose their jobs/ cause irreparable damage . You have to take a big decision, today, now.

2muchpain

Sounds like a real tough wake-up call to make some serious changes. Eventually getting loaded becomes less fun and more of a problem. Looks like you've reached that point. What's your plans moving forward? John

icewater1961

It can only get worse if you keep using. I never really have but alcohol is my poison. Doesn't even matter what it is. Addiction is addiction. Did not have blackouts until the last time, don't remember anything. A friend dropped me off at the jail to serve the last days for DUIs. Did the time and got out of "habeas" as I was late for jail. But I had medical documentation and had called the court and judges secretary and my lawyer. I agree that you might want to call your employer. I think you know what you need to do. Detox, and get rid of your dealer. Felony possession? That's six to nine months in the slammer where I live! If your dealer gets busted and is looking for 15 years prison time there is no knowing what she will say about you. I wish you the very best and hope to hear you be sober, happy with yourself and happy with your girlfriend!

january161992

glad youre here and posting

icewater1961

Yes it's a great thing you are here! Listen to the others, Dee and Anna and the whole family are here. I am not long enough sober to give much advice, I can only offer an anecdotal perspective on what I have experienced and seen. Lots of support!

Barnabas

Yeah it was a good idea to call job. I was going to not go in tomorrow and then just send a message tomorrow. But tonight was a better idea.......we communicate by whatsapp so I just sent him a message....

I said I had to contend with a major major personal issue today (true). Girlfriend and hospital (not so true). I told him he would understand when I tell him face to face and I'd see him Friday (sleep recovery needed tomorrow)

Going to tell him that she had a miscarriage at 4/5 weeks and we didn't even know she was pregnant. I can't say I was sick as I missed three days with my "back" the other week......and the week before that.

This is the only time I've missed (the above) as I've recently slipped into a black hole. So I'm generally an employee who is on the positive side of the feedback scale.

Barnabas

yeah the point has well been reached. The last few years I've entered and tried to come out and entered again......the realm of the tragic. I drink alcohol and I make poor and dangerous decisions and I consume coke.......and I can't stop.

Plan? Tomorrow I rest and get these toxins out of me. I'm going to ring up the phone company and change my damn number. Then tomorrow night I'm going to go to Narcotics Anonymous. I'll go Friday and Saturday night too.

Get rid of the toxic numbers in this phone number's contacts and get some hopefully supportive numbers in my new number's contacts.

Barnabas

Good observation.

I suspect that if I saw a medical professional I would be diagnosed with "something".

The thing is I know some things about diagnoses (medical illnesses) and I have the feeling that I'd just make him avoid giving me one of those diagnoses. I know that probably wouldn't be helpful for the bigger picture, but I'm aware the direction my mind locks into when dealing with any sort of "professional". I don't know if that's a mistrust of authority or something.

I had to do something for court years ago and for some reason I ended up with a psychiatrist appointment. I actually was very positive about it and I thought it might be a good idea to see if there was some sort of diagnoses (I was very open to it at the time)

But if I recall correctly the guy just rubbed me up the wrong way. I remember saying that I was almost medicating with alcohol (that's honestly what it felt like I was doing when I reflected on it...)

He turned around and cut me off and said something like "I just don't buy that"

So I felt not listened to and that my honest feelings where dismissed. I changed my demenour and then just told him what I believed he wanted to hear........

...gave me the all clear and a glowing report for court.

Dee74

sounds like you need a plan Barnabas
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-cravings.html (CarolD's tips for cravings)

I'd rethink that excuse too - miscarriage? thats a pretty heavy thing to make up - it might come back and bite you on the behind.

I'm not suggesting you reveal you're an alcoholic but just 'I was sick' might suffice.

D

Hats

Barnabas, I agree with Dee.
The Miscarriage idea is a pretty serious excuse and may come back to haunt you down the road and cause you some more problems. Plus, it's complete farce and deep down you know it's not true, which may cause you some guilt and shame, which you dont need any more of.

You could say, you were dealing with some major personally issues (that you'd rather not share as it's embarrassing) and that your taking steps to deal with them. That might work.
Or you can just go full on honest about your struggles and see what happens. Some employers are very understanding, some aren't so much.

I wish you all the best

Barnabas

You are right and I agree with you 99 times out of a hundred on this one. But, my contract is finished next week (there can be a new contract very soon depending....)

Because it's finishing soon....I don't think saying I'm sick will bode well. It has to be a drastic measure for a drastic situation.

I must appeal to their empathy.

Barnabas

Huge monster size cravings right now.

The thought of putting at least a medium gram on a bottle and smoking it hard is crashing through my head right now.

Overwhealming thought of smashing that now

The messages continued tonight. I was waiting until tomorrow to change my number.

Rar

I agree!! My mother used to say, "If you're going to lie rather than tell the truth, lie about yourself" - don't risk tempting fate by using spouse, kids, friends, etc.

Barnabas

I did this before Christmas. We went out for our Christmas dinner and I didn't bother trying to moderate (if I bother I'll drink water in between etc). Some weird stuff happened with my bank card (I still don't understand this to this day but I went to pay with my card and my card was snapped, a piece missing off if.....but yet I had got a round earlier on it)

I was freaked cause I had no access to cash and I don't like not having cash. I had to lower myself to ask the work collegues to chip in so I could continue the night and then get home. Some girls said yeah no problem and when they asked how much I was like 250 should do it.........one of them got snotty asking me what was it for. I was like what does that matter I have the cash in my account i just can't access it...........

she said to me no barna I'm not giving you that money it's too much.....
so I told her she had a poor person's mentality (i didn't mean it as an insult just a statement....she was thinking like a poor person.)

Anyway, she stormed off crying (wtf?) and I mingled through town.......really odd.. i looked in my wallet and the card was there.....the broken card? still to this day....I don't know.

So I withdrew a few hundred so I could go to the ghetto and hit some charlie hard. Really reckless, I went to probably the worst place in the city. I had a bag and put a huge rock on the bottle (too big a rock) and I hit it.....

Now, everytime I get cravings I think of that night. Really I was trying to sleep on Monday night and thoughts of that hit rushed into my head.....

So I missed the next day in work...

What did I do? I decided that I should stop drinking (and drugs) and that I should come clean and apologise. I sent texts to people I may have offended and apologized and said I drank too much and that drink changes me....

I then wanted to speak to my manager and tell the truth (i was having blackouts from drinking)

The result? Fired just before Christmas.

icewater1961

Try hitting the RESPONSIBILITY button. Is recovery a joke? Such as how much you can get away with before you are really in trouble; in California, for example, you probably can get away with an ankle monitor and community service. Not here. I am not a lawyer. You need one. But what is in it for you??? I am pretty sure that there is a big heart beating in your chest and you care about yourself and other people.

thomas11

sounds about right.

Dee74

I don't think you got fired for telling the truth B.

All we can do is give advice man. You can pick it up or not, your call.

Sounds to me like your life is a little chaotic and self absorbed (no insult intended here either bud, just facts as I see 'em....)

No judgement either...I was that way when drinking too and for a while after.

Hope you decide to quit for good soon.

D