Pathwaytofree

My therapist wants me to work on being more "mentally strong". I think will be a fantastic focus for me.

I'd love to hear from others how you learned to be mentally strong and what it looks like. Also, any resources--books, websites, etc--would be greatly appreciated.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I've always felt a strength inside of me since I was a kid. I know I just have to give myself permission to let it surface.

In the past I focused on being physically strong which helped to a point, but it wasn't enough. It did help with confidence, though, but it's not the same thing as being mentally strong.

But now it's time to work more on assertiveness, setting boundaries and limits, feeling my feelings, speaking my mind, not taking crap from anyone, and reminding myself that *I* matter, too. And whatever else goes along with being mentally strong.

I'm eager to hear from everyone and to work on this part of my life, instead of focusing on everyone else. That gets me nowhere.

Thanks to Moderator Mike for suggesting I post here. :-)

NYCDoglvr

Good for you, the journey is worth the effort. Here are things I did:

1. Alanon, which taught me I'm powerless over people, places and things; that I have a right to my feelings and the life I want.
2. Letting go of expectations
3. I learned to stop projecting, which keeps me in the present.
4. Daily guided meditation (there are tons of free apps you can download on your phone) which helps keep me centered and in the present.

FireSprite

Be careful what you wish for...

This is one of my favorite topics. I think this is a CRITICAL component to every healthy recovery.

In terms of resources - check into books by Brene Brown, Bruce Lipton, Glennon Doyle, Bernie Siegel. (there are way more - check out the classic reading tab in the sticky tabs at the top of this forum)

I am currently watching/listening to podcasts via hay House & just listened to Bruce Lipton that was exactly about this(as are his books) - the biology of belief & how we have all the power inside our minds to change our realities, every day.

https://www.hayhouseworldsummit.com/learn

I've used all KINDS of therapies & resources..... here are some of my old threads:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...iscomfort.html (Standing Still - learning to sit with discomfort)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...al-update.html (My long, annual update)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...uper-long.html (It's All About Me - One Year Later (super long))

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...covery-me.html (5 Years of Codependent Recovery for Me)

AnvilheadII

i first discovered thru working the steps of AA that it turns out i am NOT the Center of the Universe. i am not the be all to end all, and other people really don't devote their lives to wondering what i'm up to, how i'm doing, how i behave, dress, think, or act. yes, with an alcoholic mother i often HEARD "what will people think??" when i dared to color outside the lines or in some other way not live up to the PROJECTION she so needed of a life well put together. SHE was the one worried about what other's thought....

but that did not have to be my mindset. i'd love to say this revelation happened inside of one counseling appointment, or reading one self help, or even with just one run thru the steps.

instead, it was a process. and ongoing one!

Pathwaytofree

Thanks, NYCDoglvr. This is a great list.

How do you practice #1 you listed here along with AA? Because in AA I'm taught I don't have a right to my feelings, feelings are ego-based and selfish, I am supposed to kind, loving, tolerant of everyone, and live a life of serving others. You know, like Mother Teresa or something.

Can you explain #3? I'm not sure I understand it. Maybe an example would help. Thanks.

#2 and #4 are great suggestions too, for anyone. Thanks.

Pathwaytofree

FANTASTIC!!!! Thank you FireSprite. :-)

Thanks for the suggested readings. I can't wait to get started!

This sounds really cool. :-)

This is fantastic!!! I am so grateful!!! Thank you for taking the time to post all this.

Pathwaytofree

Thank you, Anvilhead. Same experience here--my mother focused all her energy on controlling the daylights out of us, because "what would people think?" was prominent on her mind. She cared so much about people thinking she was a good mother, yet she was a sh*tty mother. Maybe if she relaxed the reigns a bit, things would've been much better for her and for her children. Go figure.

In AA we're blamed for thinking we're "center of the universe" like it's narcissism, or a perverse sense of grandeosity or something, but in reality it was because of how I was TRAINED to care what others thought of me. I'm so done with that nonsense. Who cares what others think? When do I finally say f- it and give myself permission to care what *I* think and what *I* feel? Oh wait in AA I'm taught that my feelings don't matter either. Add eye roll here.

AnvilheadII

In AA we're blamed for thinking we're "center of the universe" like it's narcissism, or a perverse sense of grandeosity or something, but in reality it was because of how I was TRAINED to care what others thought of me. I'm so done with that nonsense. Who cares what others think? When do I finally say f- it and give myself permission to care what *I* think and what *I* feel? Oh wait in AA I'm taught that my feelings don't matter either. Add eye roll here.

whoa....where did you get all that? when AA is talking about grandiosity, etc, it is talking about that of the mind of the drinker....and the inflated sense of self importance that comes when we rationalize that our drinking is perfectly fine, affects no one, and that we DESERVE it. working thru the steps is designed so that we CAN learn what we REALLY think and feel. peel back the layers of the lies we told ourselves, or the myths that we cling to. because what lies underneath DOES matter, WE matter, or whatever would be the point of getting sober in the first place??

NYCDoglvr

I've been going to AA for 26 years and don't come away with the same message. I have a right to my feelings but I don't have a right to act out when it harms others. All humans have feelings, it's what we do with them that makes the difference. The fourth step says we must deal with resentments by listing our character defects and telling someone else. Then we ask higher power to remove our defects. Fear and resentments are big problems for alcoholics and in recovery we learn how to deal with them. We're thin skinned, quick to take offense and we learn the world and other people don't revolve around us. I've heard alcoholism called the "M&M disease": me and more. Alcoholics: "his/her majesty the child"

Projecting means my head lives in an imaginary future while ideally I should live in today. Over time I came to realize when I project I'm always wrong! So I keep reeling my mind in, not reliving the past or anticipating the future. This is how you get peace of mind (it took me about ten years of hard work to reach this state)

Turning things over (third step). For me God = group of drunks and that works. I'm powerless over alcohol and also people, places and things. One of my favorite sayings: "let go or be dragged".

trailmix

I thought this Tedtalk was really good on this subject:

https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_...tional_hygiene

"We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones, injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness. And they can also get worse if we ignore them, and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries, we don't. It doesn't even occur to us that we should. "Oh, you're feeling depressed? Just shake it off; it's all in your head." Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg: "Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg."

Pathwaytofree

Sorry.... having issues with my HG. What you wrote about, was actually the kind of thing I was taught by my sponsor and the people in it, that I have these things drinking or not. I apologize. I don't mean to bash AA as a whole. I see that my HG has been quite damaging. The guy who leads our group thinks what applies to him should apply to us all, and there's been a lot of harmful projection going on.

Anyway sorry I went off on a tangent there. I will try to stick to my original topic of Mental Strength. Thanks.

Pathwaytofree

Thanks NYCDoglvr. You shared great explanations of the 4th step, projection, and 3rd step. I don't personally refer to that as "projection" but I understand now what you meant--projection into the future or back into the past.

Pathwaytofree

Thank you, trailmix!! This sounds really good! I am eager to listen.

AnvilheadII

best quote from my 2nd ex:

all it takes to start a new meeting is a resentment and a coffee pot!

Pathwaytofree

Thanks to all the posters who are keeping this thread about being Mentally Strong and healthy going.

tomsteve

how you learned to be mentally strong and what it looks like.

one thing for me was to stop trying to keep up with the joneses. i decided i AM the joneses.
what that looks like is tore up jeans, holey t shirts, a 1996 saturn SL2, 2 and even sometimes 3 digit bank account,floors that need to be mopped.....
and not caring what others think about it.

Pathwaytofree

I hear you on that, Tomsteve! I've made a 180 in this department too and I could care less what others think. It's so freeing!

I'll never forget the first get together I went to where not only I didn't drink, but I was dressed more casual than everyone else and could care less! I was finally comfortable in my own skin.

A friend said to me recently "those who harshly judge others, are harshly judging themselves."

Thanks for the reminder that Mentally Strong means being comfortable in your own skin.

choublak

Being mentally strong to me is not allowing setbacks to keep you from moving forward. Being able to compartmentalize.

choublak

It’s about finding a healthy middle ground where you don’t care what other people think but you’re also able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and practice empathy. Being considerate of other people but not letting their opinions dictate how you live.

Pathwaytofree

Thanks Choblak.

So, basically:
-Not being a victim/wallowing in the past
-Finding a healthy balance between caring about your feelings and caring about other people's feelings.

Sounds mentally strong to me!