Renvate

Hi everyone.

Thanks in advance for the replies.

First of iam VERY happy to be sober, I have finally felt a breath of fresh air after 2 years of misery.

Usually people tend to keep busy and on track with their friends, siblings, co-workers etc. Everyone (my age at least, mid 20's) have a support network of some sort.

Problem is I have none of that, and it's not that iam not out socialising trying to make friends, I am . Its just that I always have a feeling of doom and hole in my chest when iam in a crowd trying to make friends or socialise.

I have encountered this before, and earlier in life I have battled it and tried to overcome it. But now iam getting older and it's not going away.

Before I would completely medicate it by drinking. And having my own one man
party out on the town or at home. but now that's not an option, iam abit out of ideas.

My optimisim about being socialy normal is Fading because I seem to always come back to the same dead end, iam always the strange, non talkative one amongst a group of new potential friends.

Last weekend I went to a public volleyball game and did my best to socialise and fit in, and It seemed to go well, (because we were playing more then talking)

Afterwards I got asked to tag along for a BBQ. I'll tell you what it wasn't excitement, it was dread that came past me.

"Am I just gonna stand there for 3 hours and be silent? How do I leave, when do i leave"?

It's like my brain is missing basic socialising etiquette.



And today i got invited to a hiking event this Saturday by the same people.

But instead of thinking "yes! New friends"

All I have is dread because it usually comes back to the same outcome of "not this guy again, he keeps tagging along.


Any ideas?

Iam still gonna go, I have no choice. But am not very optimistic. Before just i would just get wasted before hand to avoid that situation in the morning and use a hangover as a excuse. Or to settle my social craving I would again get wasted and go socialise with people at bars or club's.

Dean1978

Hi Renvate

Personally for me my sobriety had to come above everything else, everything. If that included missing social events, sports events, work related events even family events, than so be it. My friends understood. I wasnt willing to put myself in a situation where alcohol would be in abundance until I was in a place mentally and physically that I could deal with it. You are young and I understand socialising is very important. I think 2 weeks is very early to put yourself in that situation.

Just my random thought at 7.27am

Renvate

Hmm It's not about cracking to drink in public, it's about not sitting at home alone where all the drinking can happen.

Dee74

One of the things I had to accept when I quit drinking was that I'm not actually that social.

Drinking was actually my way to try and be social, but of course...no off switch.

I accepted I was kind of shy, not a small talker, did not like big crowds and was very uncomfortable meeting new people.

What I did like was small intimate gatherings around a table or whatever.

I still prefer those

Over the years tho I've found I'm more able to be social, even in those bigger situations I don't particularly like or even enjoy - but sometimes you gotta be there....

I'm pretty much ok with who I am now.

To me, 50 is too old for that 'will they like me' stuff.

When push comes to shove, it's not that onerous to ask a question of someone you've just met - where are you from, how do you know so and so - to initiate and hopefully engage them in conversation...and sometimes maybe make a new friend or two.

I know when to stick with someone or when to cut my losses, and when its socially acceptable to hightail it out of there and go home

Learning this social sober skill took a while tho - I was barely out of bed at 2 weeks renvate

D

Renvate

Thanks Dee. Unfortunately with my over-analytical mind being in bed and in my house looking at the walls is a recipe for disaster for me. the only ways to stop unwanted thoughts is to be extremely busy, exhausted from either work or exercise.

.....or being borderline brain-damaged from the copious amounts of booze I drank every night.

Not seeking number 3 anymore.

and your right it shouldn't matter if iam "liked" or not. It actually never bothered me, but the problem is i was happy with my boozing lifestyle back then, that's why i never cared about being liked, i always has a "friend" to come back too.


Its hard to describe, I guess this is called Social Anxiety? i dunno.

Now that ive cut booze out ive started to get the urge to go out and meet people and make friends, (considering i have virtually 0) . ( id think this is pretty normal step)

Again its hard to describe that feeling in Social Situations, i guess i just need to go back to the drawing board and assess what i can do differently in Social Situations, because what iam doing now has obviously not worked for over 10 years now -In a new group its fine, but when i see the same people over and over and over then things just start to get weird.

Dee74

I don't think anyone has the answers at two weeks. That's 14 days man

You gently introduce yourself more and more to new situations and you learn new skills.

It takes time and a little patience

If you have any old friends with whom a shared love of getting wasted is not the glue that keeps you together they may be a good place to start?

I'm a disabled guy with a stutter and a great shyness. I've made friends - good friends - who understand me love me and don't find me weird.

I think there are those people out there for everyone

D

Renvate

Thanks again Dee. I wont lie i hate writing about my "problems" because i know they are virtually nonexistent compared to what others are going through.

and no. i have 0 friends who are in my city. I never even had any drinking buddies. Always been abit of a recluse.

Also, when i write, my intention is never to complain (even though it may seem like it ) iam generally seeking advice. - but txt can give off any impression.

So you have mentioned shyness - being double my age, what advice can you give to move past that?

bringmeback7693

Renvate I am right there with you. I have absolutely no idea how to socialize without alcohol. It is going to take time to re-train your brain to learn how to socialize sober. I'm also in my early 20s and like you, when I drank, I preferred to drink alone.

One day at a time. It is only Tuesday so try not to future-trip about Saturday too much. If it's uncomfortable, it's uncomfortable, but at least it'll get you out of the house and not be around alcohol. Go to AA meetings in the meantime. One day at a time.

Dee74

I don't think you're complaining or whining- it's a real thing for a lot of people new to recovery.

I'm still pretty shy - but I'm also aware that thats the way I am.

I have a sense of my own value.

I'm happy when I find a connection with someone - but I don't waste much time of the people who don't like me, patronise me, or try to BS me.

For my part as I said above it's not too onerous to get people to start talking about themselves.

I find that usually works pretty well as a gambit

Caring about whether people liked me, and trying my best to be whoever I thought they wanted me to be, took up a lot of energy.

Now I'm just me. Take it or leave it

I haven't got a long list of friends but I'm glad for the ones I have and I'm fairly well known in mu local area and liked, I think.

Like will attract like, if you let it

lessgravity

For one, congrats on being sober.

What are possible interests or hobbies of yours? I say possible b/c it's likely that booze has kept you from exploring things in life that you may have wanted to while drinking. I know it's that way for me.

If it's hard to be sober - maybe find some things to do in your town/city and you will run into people there with common interests etc.

Even a community board meeting is a cool place to go and start seeing the same people - you don't even have to contribute. I'm not religious but I find a local buddhist class to be super interesting and have made some friends.

Renvate

Thanks guys. Like you Dee i have achieved the skill of not caring and being ME despite what others think in the past. I guess the bottle has worn me down and reverted me back to the crazy thinking.

The booze seriously degrades the brain, i got to the point where i started to think the neighbors were all watching me and were all talking about me to each other - i don't get this nuts when iam sober!!

I am a very active person, i cant sit still ( explains my lack of patience for life and its processes ie, loss, grief, setbacks, and dead ends)

but I work on patience in myself every day, ive gotten much better.

Lessgravity -

Iam revolving myself around people with positive mentalities. Social BBQ's, Hiking, Sport groups.

Dee has mentioned it has been only 2 weeks, perhaps iam just looking to far ahead for results compared to the time spent healing my head.

Before i would revolve around Pubcrawls, Clubs, live music and beer, brewery tours, wine tours. My first conversation topic would be " what beer do you drink"?

So i guess iam taking that step about lifestyle changes. it is uncomfortable but its quite refreshing.

lessgravity

I got it. By the way, a huge congrats on getting sober in your 20s. I'm 40 and FINALLY after years of battle have crossed the bridge.

Pubcrawls are a total s.show to me, even when I was drinking! And, like you, I was an at-home, alone drinker - at least I would do the most damage in that setting.

I've found that being around people at social events where they are drinking does not upset me - though I am in the very minor minority on this site. My cravings more come with time alone.

icandothis20

This is the way that I am too. I think its a personality trait personally. I am an introvert. Small talk exhausts me and I dont always like to be social. I tend to gravitate towards deeper convos, reading, writing, gyming... solo things. I used to drink to excess to make myself be more "outgoing" or to make myself interested in going to events. Now I have recently realized that I just wasnt being true to my real nature- which is that of an introvert! I see a bit of that in your post. Wish you all the best

Rar

First off - congratulations on your sobriety! You're doing awesome.

One tip someone told me once regarding meeting people and social skills was that, "people usually like to talk about themselves.". I try to remember that and ask questions that would prompt an extended response and then continue along that conversation line.