choublak

In one of the local Facebook groups I’m in, someone posted asking for recommendations for a good credit repair company. She wanted help disputing a few things on her husband’s credit so they could buy a house. Well I went into a sort of AlAnon mode, and suggested that she have her husband do it himself. It’s HIS credit. His credit is his business, not hers.

She went on to say that in a marriage there are compromises, that she doesn’t like cutting the yard or doing anything yard related, but if he works on the lawn she can help with his credit. She also said that I just don't understand the real meaning of marriage, that two shall become one so his credit is YOUR credit as well., that she does for her husband and he does for her, and that they are a team. Okay, that’s her perspective.

I certainly do understand two becoming one...including the car insurance policy. Their DUI becomes your DUI.

Clover71

What is the Facebook group about?

choublak

A general site for the people of the town I live in. People can post anything informative about the area, or ask questions about the area, or ask for recommendations about any services they might need.

PeacefulWater12

I feel the rules that apply in a mainstream marriage are entirely different to those in a marriage with addiction in play.

Clearing up credit problems for an A husband is enabling. Therefore as an Al-anon i would not do it.

In normal marriage, maybe it would be a normal thing to do. I don't know.

PuzzledHeart

As a rule, unsolicited martial advice on a neighborhood FB group will not be received warmly. Now with that out of the way...

My first thought: she wants that house more than he does.

Second thought: taking care of credit problems is a PITA. My identity was stolen years ago, and the amount of energy trying to clean that mess up was mind-boggling. I could see a situation where a husband and wife "take turns" performing financial cleanup.

Third thought: Her explanation, at least the way you portrayed it, was way too defensive. She probably is enabling him, but didn't realize it until you put it out there.

hearthealth

I think there is a division of labor. There is no tally of mine and yours. That doesn't mean he's not involved in the knowledge and decisions made. One person has to do the actual work. To say I won't isn't being a team player either.

choublak

Oh I never told her she was enabling him, not in those exact words. I just asked her why she was the one asking about a credit person when her husband is the one with the bad credit. She said he did try asking (and told me to stop assuming he hadn’t) but that he wasn’t on Facebook.

choublak

How do you be a team player and detach at the same time?

hopeful4

My perspective is it depends on if he is a part of this work as well. A person should know about their own bills, credit, etc. However, I think enlisting the help of your spouse with you is not a bad thing. My my .02

FireSprite

Honestly, I think you're making a lot of assumptions. How do you draw a direct line from here:

to here?

What?? Does every other person's life experience need to be filtered through this lens of your life experience?

FWIW - YES it's a REAL THING that your credit becomes intertwined & screwed up co-jointly when you've been married for a length of time. HIS issues show up on MY reporting even when addiction is not a factor in the relationship. It's in MY best interests at times to "fix" stuff "for him". (I work in this industry so I'm not pulling this out of thin air.)

Not everything is a codependent situation. IMO - you crossed the street & danced all over her side for no good reason. If you didn't have a recommendation to make relevant to the question on a NON ADDICTION board, then scroll on down to the next post & leave it alone.

tomsteve

not every marriage is one with a self centered alcoholic in it.

taking care of the problem may not be a strong point of his( can you imagine he is human and has things he isnt good at?!?!) so the wife is showing love by helping.
taking care of the yard isnt a strong point of hers ( can you imagine she is human and has things she isnt good at?)so he shows his love by doing that.

a wife isnt a very good cook but the husband is. does the husband only cook for himself?

choublak

Okay, but is it possible to do that with an alcoholic?

Mango212

Not in my experience.

I show love by taking care of myself. Often that may be translated into cooking, cleaning and adding to the joy in life around me by creative ways. People in my life may benefit from this, yet that isn't the cause of my inspiration.

Often self care may mean I grab cereal or leftovers to eat and trust others can do whatever they are pulled towards for their own nourishment.

As I take care of myself, there is a beautiful balance of caring for my kid, and teaching independence by modeling this.

I show love by listening. Sometimes by not listening.

I show love by interacting in Life with curiosity, connecting with others in healthy ways such as dance, games, playfulness, by being my authentic self, by not being afraid.

SparkleKitty

Not in my experience, either, but in this case, on your forum, is there even alcoholism involved at all??

FireSprite

Where in the original scenario that you presented is it a known factor that there IS an alcoholic in the marriage?

You can twist ANY situation into something different once addiction is part of the picture. But we have NO reason to believe that's what this is about, right?

The woman needed general advice. How does that become a discussion about recovery?

Ladybird579

The woman needed general advice. How does that become a discussion about recovery?

My take on this is none of us who have been married to alcoholics or are still married to them, or in relationships with them have no idea whatsoever how a normal marriage ticks. If they want to do things for each other that each are better at that sounds like a partnership to me, not enabling. No, we don't get that with a selfish alcoholic. Our view of normality is seriously flawed.

Mango212

I went into a sort of AlAnon mode, and suggested that she have her husband do it himself. It’s HIS credit. His credit is his business, not hers.

One of the beautiful things I've learned, is random comments like these, that I'm suddenly saying or writing, that I typically wouldn't do, are often God-powered moments.

No worries. No coincidences. Just life. Getting shook up, worked out, getting me out of my comfort zone.

Learning and growth opportunities on many levels. Fun stuff.

choublak

I don’t know; I just thought that was something most normal people do - let their loved ones do things themselves.

trailmix

I think i'm pretty "normal" lol

In any relationship I've been in we both had talents. I can organize, I can get the mortgage, I can do the paperwork.

The other person had other skills whether that was fixing a car or mowing a lawn (I don't do lawns!)

I think that's true of all relationships. Even if it's with say, a room-mate. They might ask you for help with their tax return if that's something you are good at while they might be good at fixing the dripping tap in the bathroom.

In most normal situations/households, that's how it works.

DesertEyes

Okay peeps, you are beginning to repeat yourselves. We have some newcomers that could use support, can we let this thread go and go help the newbies?

Mike
Moderator, SR