My long term boyfriend has gone off the wagon again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
My long term boyfriend has gone off the wagon again
Hi everyone, I'm hoping someone is able to give me some unbiased advice about what is happening in my life right now.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and met 6 years ago as friends. When we met- he was 19 and living a fast life on the streets dealing drugs and partying. He then got arrested and went to
prison for a couple years and when he came home we reconnected. It also helped that when he came home i was no longer with my ex boyfriend.
We had a pretty crazy first 6 months of our relationship then he was violated on his parole and went back to prison for 9 months. I was there for him through it all.
He then came home and our life was great. We were so deep in love and he was my best friend. I had never felt this connected to another person in my life. Then he got served with another case for something that "happened" in prison. After he got through the trial- he was found guilty. This is when he started using drugs very heavily. This is where is started and after he came home 9 months later from his second time in prison- it seemed he was doing well. He was back at his parents house and working. This didn't last long.
(His drug of choice is cocaine. He gets drunk and then that triggers him to want all the cocaine- and when he cant get coke he will take pills. Xanax are a big one. He will sell drugs to keep this habit going. )
He would take my car in the middle of the night and go to the city we grew up in where all of his drug connections were and would disappear until I used someone else's car to go track my car down. This happened over 5 times throughout the course of our relationship.
He has stolen thousands of dollars from me and destroyed a rental car of mine, leaving me a 1200 bill, has stolen from our loved ones, and all around has had his share of destroying everyone and everything in his path in order to feed his addiction.
7 months ago I determined I had enough- as much as I loved him and cherished the times we spent together that were GOOD (when it was good it was beyond amazing, which is what kept me holding on so long), I was helpless and could not control or fix him from this addiction. I finally opened my eyes that he was an addict.
Fast forward 6 weeks later- he called me and told me he needed help and was ready to seek the help he needed. I was so happy I cried. He wasn't dead and he wanted to get better. I picked him up, detoxed him at home for 10 days, and then brought him to the firehouse to check into a program.
That following week he began his outpatient program. He got a job and was truly sober for the first time in a long time (he wasn't drinking). Fast forward to 4 days ago.
After 5 months of seeing him happier and healthier than I had ever seen him- I began to trust him again. I trusted him enough to keep my car while I was in las vegas for work for 3 days. He brought me to the airport and I was fully expecting him to pick me up 3 days later.
However the next day I found out he slipped and had done drugs again and was allegedly sleeping around with one of his drug friends. When he goes on these binges he avoids me at all costs. He doesn't answer my texts or calls- claiming he cant talk and we can talk when he picks me up from the airport.
Needless to say- at 3am I was stuck at the airport because he wasn't there and his phone was off. I took a $100 Lyft ride to my apartment and crawled inside through the window to find my apartment had been used for cigarette and drug smoking festivities. There were my clothes and shoes worn and strewn across my apartment with long red hairs on them (my hair is brown). I was broken.
2 hours later my godmother picked me up and I went to the city to drive around and find my car. I finally found it and now it's been 1 days since I got my car back.
I'm lost because he is truly an amazing man aside from this addiction. It is like he is taken over by this devil that just eats the man i know and love. I have worked to see him and his addiction as separate things and i am so deeply in love with HIM but i hate his addict. The addiction has ruined my life, our life, and his life. This relapse has broken my heart because the past 5 months have been the best months of my life. I had my soulmate back in mylife.
I have told him I love him until the end and my heart breaks for him but that I cant be his safety net anymore to fall back on. I am so scared tho that he will die or go back to prison. I want his life to be full and happy- and I know that he hates being an addict and wishes he could just not. He is extremely intelligent and amazing and I dont want to just leave him but cant be brought down by his addiction anymore. I dont want him to feel he has noone in his corner supporting him. I dont know what the right thing to do here is. I just want the man I love back.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and met 6 years ago as friends. When we met- he was 19 and living a fast life on the streets dealing drugs and partying. He then got arrested and went to
prison for a couple years and when he came home we reconnected. It also helped that when he came home i was no longer with my ex boyfriend.
We had a pretty crazy first 6 months of our relationship then he was violated on his parole and went back to prison for 9 months. I was there for him through it all.
He then came home and our life was great. We were so deep in love and he was my best friend. I had never felt this connected to another person in my life. Then he got served with another case for something that "happened" in prison. After he got through the trial- he was found guilty. This is when he started using drugs very heavily. This is where is started and after he came home 9 months later from his second time in prison- it seemed he was doing well. He was back at his parents house and working. This didn't last long.
(His drug of choice is cocaine. He gets drunk and then that triggers him to want all the cocaine- and when he cant get coke he will take pills. Xanax are a big one. He will sell drugs to keep this habit going. )
He would take my car in the middle of the night and go to the city we grew up in where all of his drug connections were and would disappear until I used someone else's car to go track my car down. This happened over 5 times throughout the course of our relationship.
He has stolen thousands of dollars from me and destroyed a rental car of mine, leaving me a 1200 bill, has stolen from our loved ones, and all around has had his share of destroying everyone and everything in his path in order to feed his addiction.
7 months ago I determined I had enough- as much as I loved him and cherished the times we spent together that were GOOD (when it was good it was beyond amazing, which is what kept me holding on so long), I was helpless and could not control or fix him from this addiction. I finally opened my eyes that he was an addict.
Fast forward 6 weeks later- he called me and told me he needed help and was ready to seek the help he needed. I was so happy I cried. He wasn't dead and he wanted to get better. I picked him up, detoxed him at home for 10 days, and then brought him to the firehouse to check into a program.
That following week he began his outpatient program. He got a job and was truly sober for the first time in a long time (he wasn't drinking). Fast forward to 4 days ago.
After 5 months of seeing him happier and healthier than I had ever seen him- I began to trust him again. I trusted him enough to keep my car while I was in las vegas for work for 3 days. He brought me to the airport and I was fully expecting him to pick me up 3 days later.
However the next day I found out he slipped and had done drugs again and was allegedly sleeping around with one of his drug friends. When he goes on these binges he avoids me at all costs. He doesn't answer my texts or calls- claiming he cant talk and we can talk when he picks me up from the airport.
Needless to say- at 3am I was stuck at the airport because he wasn't there and his phone was off. I took a $100 Lyft ride to my apartment and crawled inside through the window to find my apartment had been used for cigarette and drug smoking festivities. There were my clothes and shoes worn and strewn across my apartment with long red hairs on them (my hair is brown). I was broken.
2 hours later my godmother picked me up and I went to the city to drive around and find my car. I finally found it and now it's been 1 days since I got my car back.
I'm lost because he is truly an amazing man aside from this addiction. It is like he is taken over by this devil that just eats the man i know and love. I have worked to see him and his addiction as separate things and i am so deeply in love with HIM but i hate his addict. The addiction has ruined my life, our life, and his life. This relapse has broken my heart because the past 5 months have been the best months of my life. I had my soulmate back in mylife.
I have told him I love him until the end and my heart breaks for him but that I cant be his safety net anymore to fall back on. I am so scared tho that he will die or go back to prison. I want his life to be full and happy- and I know that he hates being an addict and wishes he could just not. He is extremely intelligent and amazing and I dont want to just leave him but cant be brought down by his addiction anymore. I dont want him to feel he has noone in his corner supporting him. I dont know what the right thing to do here is. I just want the man I love back.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Welcome to the family. 
I hate to say it, but it sounds like he doesn't want to get better. He can't be trusted and has stolen from you. I'd say you'd be better off on your own.
I hope you can find some peace of mind.
We have friends and family forums where you might find some insight into his behavior.
I hate to say it, but it sounds like he doesn't want to get better. He can't be trusted and has stolen from you. I'd say you'd be better off on your own.I hope you can find some peace of mind.
We have friends and family forums where you might find some insight into his behavior.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi Meghan. I understand how much you want the man you love back. I also understand how hard it is to accept that the man you love and the man who has treated you so disrespectfully are the same person.
There is nothing you can do to fix him, or to make him the person you fell in love with. Addiction is a deeply rooted issue--it is likely that the person you feel for is not the person he would be if he were to finally be free of drugs and alcohol. But it doesn't really matter until he decides he has had enough, and nothing you say or do will make him make that decision.
In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself and your own emotional well-being. Sending you strength and courage.
There is nothing you can do to fix him, or to make him the person you fell in love with. Addiction is a deeply rooted issue--it is likely that the person you feel for is not the person he would be if he were to finally be free of drugs and alcohol. But it doesn't really matter until he decides he has had enough, and nothing you say or do will make him make that decision.
In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself and your own emotional well-being. Sending you strength and courage.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Welcome to SR, Meghan; I am so very sorry for what brings you here but am so very glad you found us. You will find an abundance of support and understanding here.
It doesn't sound as though your boyfriend truly wants to be clean and sober. Without an unyielding desire and commitment to sobriety, he will never achieve same.
I hope that you find a way to end this relationship (honestly, this sounds like the perfect time) and move on to the happy and fulfilling relationship and life that you truly deserve.
It doesn't sound as though your boyfriend truly wants to be clean and sober. Without an unyielding desire and commitment to sobriety, he will never achieve same.
I hope that you find a way to end this relationship (honestly, this sounds like the perfect time) and move on to the happy and fulfilling relationship and life that you truly deserve.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
Thank you
Thank you to everyone.
My biggest struggle right now is the very common one- a true battle between my mind and my heart.
My mind knows all of these things. I am an extremely successful person with a solid career path and a good life. I know all of the things like he is dragging you down, he is toxic, run while you can.
However- my heart is just breaking and I want him to get better so we can be the couple we were when we were happy. A mere 4 days ago everything was perfect!
My biggest struggle right now is the very common one- a true battle between my mind and my heart.
My mind knows all of these things. I am an extremely successful person with a solid career path and a good life. I know all of the things like he is dragging you down, he is toxic, run while you can.
However- my heart is just breaking and I want him to get better so we can be the couple we were when we were happy. A mere 4 days ago everything was perfect!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Please listen to your mind, Meghan, however difficult that may be for your heart.
I promise, promise you that your heart will heal.
I had a relationship with an alcoholic when I was (I think) about your age. When he wasn't drinking, things were so good. But when he was . . . .
Thankfully, my mind won out over my heart.
I learned recently that he died over 25 years ago due to his alcoholism. I also learned that he left a string of wives and children in his path of destruction.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I promise, promise you that your heart will heal.
I had a relationship with an alcoholic when I was (I think) about your age. When he wasn't drinking, things were so good. But when he was . . . .
Thankfully, my mind won out over my heart.
I learned recently that he died over 25 years ago due to his alcoholism. I also learned that he left a string of wives and children in his path of destruction.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Meghan, sadly this is a time when you must listen to your mind, not your heart. You know that your boyfriend will have to make the decision to recover himself. You cannot do that for him or push him to do it. Take care of yourself. You might find AlAnon in your city is a good support for you, plus we have a Friends & Families forum on this board you could check out, if you like.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
meghan, this:
I am so scared tho that he will die or go back to prison.
happens to many of us. the thing we dont seem to see( until it is pointed out) is that with or without us, this can happen.
my EX could do both. IF she were to die i would prefer it not to happen in my presence. If she ends up locked up, there would be NOTHING i could do even if i decided to keep her in my life.
i didnt listen to my gut for a LONG time. i pushed all the red flags aside and let my feelings run the show.
until i realized how i lost myself.
I am so scared tho that he will die or go back to prison.
happens to many of us. the thing we dont seem to see( until it is pointed out) is that with or without us, this can happen.
my EX could do both. IF she were to die i would prefer it not to happen in my presence. If she ends up locked up, there would be NOTHING i could do even if i decided to keep her in my life.
i didnt listen to my gut for a LONG time. i pushed all the red flags aside and let my feelings run the show.
until i realized how i lost myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
So here is another question I would like to pose:
Do I call his parole officer and make him aware of what is happening in his life? Especially since he is no longer living with me. I am leaving my/our apartment at the end of this month because 1) I cant stay in a home we built together and 2) I need to use this time alone to get my finances back in a good space and surround myself with loving family members.
Part of me wants to call his officer and let him know and part of me is unsure I would be able to live with myself if I caused his return to prison. I also feel that this is a way to keep him alive..
Do I call his parole officer and make him aware of what is happening in his life? Especially since he is no longer living with me. I am leaving my/our apartment at the end of this month because 1) I cant stay in a home we built together and 2) I need to use this time alone to get my finances back in a good space and surround myself with loving family members.
Part of me wants to call his officer and let him know and part of me is unsure I would be able to live with myself if I caused his return to prison. I also feel that this is a way to keep him alive..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
I really don't know the answer to that, Meghan.
My gut tells me that you should make a complete break and leave him to his own decisions. His parole officer will know soon enough.
Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this.
My gut tells me that you should make a complete break and leave him to his own decisions. His parole officer will know soon enough.
Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
Yes. And I dont mean for this to be making excuses for him- I know he is clearly no walk in the park but it was 3 times. 2 charges (once of 3 times was for moving without telling his parole officer) and the second charge was total bogus (allegedly pushing a correctional officer and they conveniently lost the video from that day and the officer contradicted his own story but the state I live is very racist and it was a jury of old white men against a young black man). The first one was real.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by Anna 
Meghan, sadly this is a time when you must listen to your mind, not your heart. You know that your boyfriend will have to make the decision to recover himself. You cannot do that for him or push him to do it. Take care of yourself. You might find AlAnon in your city is a good support for you, plus we have a Friends & Families forum on this board you could check out, if you like.
I am just second guessing my decision to let him be him and let me be me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Meghan
You very well might live in a state where equality is still a new term. Back to the reality of things, you don’t get locked up over and over and in front of parole officers for being a great guy.
It truly is painful to have ones heart broken. Invest more time, money, subject future kids to that life and then look back and know you could have had a better life...
It’s not just about you if you intend to bring others into this world. Abuse to children is soooo much higher when addiction is involved. Not just physically, verbal, but sexual by others. Are you willing to live with that?
I was never much to look forward 5,10, or 15 years down the road but he has set his pattern of what he is and not willing to do.
It’s time to save yourself from years of drama, heartache, and misery.
AG
You very well might live in a state where equality is still a new term. Back to the reality of things, you don’t get locked up over and over and in front of parole officers for being a great guy.
It truly is painful to have ones heart broken. Invest more time, money, subject future kids to that life and then look back and know you could have had a better life...
It’s not just about you if you intend to bring others into this world. Abuse to children is soooo much higher when addiction is involved. Not just physically, verbal, but sexual by others. Are you willing to live with that?
I was never much to look forward 5,10, or 15 years down the road but he has set his pattern of what he is and not willing to do.
It’s time to save yourself from years of drama, heartache, and misery.
AG
Originally Posted by Meghan19
Yes. And I dont mean for this to be making excuses for him- I know he is clearly no walk in the park but it was 3 times. 2 charges (once of 3 times was for moving without telling his parole officer) and the second charge was total bogus (allegedly pushing a correctional officer and they conveniently lost the video from that day and the officer contradicted his own story but the state I live is very racist and it was a jury of old white men against a young black man). The first one was real.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by tomsteve
meghan, this:
I am so scared tho that he will die or go back to prison.
happens to many of us. the thing we dont seem to see( until it is pointed out) is that with or without us, this can happen.
my EX could do both. IF she were to die i would prefer it not to happen in my presence. If she ends up locked up, there would be NOTHING i could do even if i decided to keep her in my life.
i didnt listen to my gut for a LONG time. i pushed all the red flags aside and let my feelings run the show.
until i realized how i lost myself.
I am so scared tho that he will die or go back to prison.
happens to many of us. the thing we dont seem to see( until it is pointed out) is that with or without us, this can happen.
my EX could do both. IF she were to die i would prefer it not to happen in my presence. If she ends up locked up, there would be NOTHING i could do even if i decided to keep her in my life.
i didnt listen to my gut for a LONG time. i pushed all the red flags aside and let my feelings run the show.
until i realized how i lost myself.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I don't know where you read it, but relapse is NOT part of recovery. Relapse is part of the addiction. He may say he wants to get better but until he does the work required, they are just empty words.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Meghan19
I have read that relapse is a part of the recovery process-i just dont know when it is the right time to give up on him.
again
relapse is not part of the recovery process.
it is part of active alcoholism/addiction.
them relapses end with a drink or drug.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Meghan19
How did you get past the heart break? Do you still have love for her?
do i have love for her?
dam thats a tough question!!! just thinking about all the BS i allowed myself to go through, it is extremely hard not to say id still like to see her get hit by a truck.
but i do hope she got help and got her poop inna group.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
