Codependency and childhood
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Codependency and childhood
Hi friends,
I’m struggling with a codependency issue and wondering if anyone has any suggestions. To seek the root/s of codependency I’m supposed to review my childhood for trauma and feelings of inadequacy. What questions have you asked yourself about your family relationships? Where did you begin? I know that I have experienced shame, anger, frustration, detatchment, eggshells (walking on), and a general “yuk” about myself as not being good enough. But why? Why would my parents behave in ways that allowed me to develop those feelings? I’m not sure where to start. Thanks in advance!
I’m struggling with a codependency issue and wondering if anyone has any suggestions. To seek the root/s of codependency I’m supposed to review my childhood for trauma and feelings of inadequacy. What questions have you asked yourself about your family relationships? Where did you begin? I know that I have experienced shame, anger, frustration, detatchment, eggshells (walking on), and a general “yuk” about myself as not being good enough. But why? Why would my parents behave in ways that allowed me to develop those feelings? I’m not sure where to start. Thanks in advance!
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Dear Zukunft
I have had to think about all this a LOT. I am finally at a place where I realize that my parents did the best they could, but our family culture, at its heart, was very very sick. My parents were victims of this culture too. We share that in common. They have both been dead many years.
That being said, I tend to flee from people and situations that remind me of my family of origin.
I have had to think about all this a LOT. I am finally at a place where I realize that my parents did the best they could, but our family culture, at its heart, was very very sick. My parents were victims of this culture too. We share that in common. They have both been dead many years.
That being said, I tend to flee from people and situations that remind me of my family of origin.
Last edited by Eauchiche; 05-12-2018 at 06:26 AM. Reason: Typo
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Zukunft,
Are you doing this work with a therapist?
The gentle prodding and therapeutic questioning of a therapist helped me reveal so much about my FOO (family of origin), and thus about myself and the dynamic I grew up in.
I'd say, in general, we went where the secrets were. Whatever my parents were hiding, whatever was deemed so shameful it couldn't even be spoken about. Whatever they were in denial about.
And then also where was the anger in my parents, where was it directed? Stuffed, expressed, sublimated. What kinds of things/situations made my parents angry and what did I remember or notice about how they coped with the stresses of life?
Sometimes I didn't know the answers, but remembering the moods of the household, and my feelings: that eggshell walking (every dang day!), the fearful and downright terrified moments, confusing moments, frustrating or sad moments definitely got me into some deep places....and also remembering all the good things, moments of grace, respite, or the people in my childhood who were compassionate and kind and maybe saw me differently than I saw myself or than my parents saw me....
Exploring all the mysteries...it's a thrilling ride towards peace of mind....
Peace,
B.
Are you doing this work with a therapist?
The gentle prodding and therapeutic questioning of a therapist helped me reveal so much about my FOO (family of origin), and thus about myself and the dynamic I grew up in.
I'd say, in general, we went where the secrets were. Whatever my parents were hiding, whatever was deemed so shameful it couldn't even be spoken about. Whatever they were in denial about.
And then also where was the anger in my parents, where was it directed? Stuffed, expressed, sublimated. What kinds of things/situations made my parents angry and what did I remember or notice about how they coped with the stresses of life?
Sometimes I didn't know the answers, but remembering the moods of the household, and my feelings: that eggshell walking (every dang day!), the fearful and downright terrified moments, confusing moments, frustrating or sad moments definitely got me into some deep places....and also remembering all the good things, moments of grace, respite, or the people in my childhood who were compassionate and kind and maybe saw me differently than I saw myself or than my parents saw me....
Exploring all the mysteries...it's a thrilling ride towards peace of mind....
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 66
Oh wow! Your response is beautiful. Yes, I’m getting professional help but so far we’ve only worked on the immediate issues (dealing with an alcoholic partner and how my behavior and thoughts have affected our relationship.) I think im ready to go into the family issues more deeply now. Thank you for your kind comments. All the best I your journey!
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Hi Zunkunft,
Interesting post. I don't identify as "co-dependent" but I probably have some of those things going on (we probably all do).
I don't have a therapist but I have been thinking about this. What I have been doing is looking at the big picture to start, what went on, what was I doing in all that and what was everyone else up to?
Not all alcoholics are the same, not everyone that grew up in a household with an alcoholic had the same experience but there are probably enough similarities that the results are not dis-similar.
The walking on eggshells thing I understand (mostly, I think). When you have one person in the household (the alcoholic) that is the center of attention when they are around that needs to be avoided or entertained or listened too, you get the eggshell scenario.
If the alcoholic is not catered to, there could be an explosion, anger, violence, have to tip toe around to avoid all of that, even when they are sober. Quiet so the alcoholic can stay asleep or sleep it off, nice happy conversation so as not to trigger them, listening to their stories because hey - someone has to right?
The spin off from this is that you then become secondary to their whims. Need to get your homework done, that's nice but the alcoholic has a story to tell or a person to scream at or they need a drink or some food.
Basically you are trapped and you are in survival mode a lot of the time. So you learn to survive and that carries on through your adulthood, you are a survivor, you are on guard, you are strong (at least on the surface).
The result, you cannot put on a brave face every day and just stuff all your feelings, it will all come bubbling to the surface eventually.
Anyway, this is getting long but that's an overview of what I have thought about, hope it's helpful.
One other thing, the not being "good enough" - when you are always secondary to another person (the alcoholic) your self-esteem takes a big hit, in my opinion.
Interesting post. I don't identify as "co-dependent" but I probably have some of those things going on (we probably all do).
I don't have a therapist but I have been thinking about this. What I have been doing is looking at the big picture to start, what went on, what was I doing in all that and what was everyone else up to?
Not all alcoholics are the same, not everyone that grew up in a household with an alcoholic had the same experience but there are probably enough similarities that the results are not dis-similar.
The walking on eggshells thing I understand (mostly, I think). When you have one person in the household (the alcoholic) that is the center of attention when they are around that needs to be avoided or entertained or listened too, you get the eggshell scenario.
If the alcoholic is not catered to, there could be an explosion, anger, violence, have to tip toe around to avoid all of that, even when they are sober. Quiet so the alcoholic can stay asleep or sleep it off, nice happy conversation so as not to trigger them, listening to their stories because hey - someone has to right?
The spin off from this is that you then become secondary to their whims. Need to get your homework done, that's nice but the alcoholic has a story to tell or a person to scream at or they need a drink or some food.
Basically you are trapped and you are in survival mode a lot of the time. So you learn to survive and that carries on through your adulthood, you are a survivor, you are on guard, you are strong (at least on the surface).
The result, you cannot put on a brave face every day and just stuff all your feelings, it will all come bubbling to the surface eventually.
Anyway, this is getting long but that's an overview of what I have thought about, hope it's helpful.
One other thing, the not being "good enough" - when you are always secondary to another person (the alcoholic) your self-esteem takes a big hit, in my opinion.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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The walking on eggshells thing I understand (mostly, I think).
My father wasn't an alcoholic but he had a terrible temper that blew unpredictably. I can still remember that feeling of dread in my stomach when I heard him coming in from work. His first words to my mother were always to complain such as who had left a bike out on the grass or why the shed door was unlocked? All the while throwing his stuff down loudly. If she wasn't there, which was most of the time cos crafty woman got to avoid him like the plague by taking jobs on opposite shifts to him, I was the eldest so copped for his complaints and temper. So I'd make sure he had nothing to blow up about. I spent my childhood people pleasing to avoid him beating me or my siblings and sometimes my mother. Of course it never worked. Nothing was ever good enough. I felt absolutely pointless and worthless coming out of childhood. If you can call it one. That where my problems really started. I ended up marrying bullies. Those bullies all had alcohol issues to greater or lesser extents and were abusive in different ways. They compounded my feelings of worthlessness and the cycle continued until I managed to break it.
My father wasn't an alcoholic but he had a terrible temper that blew unpredictably. I can still remember that feeling of dread in my stomach when I heard him coming in from work. His first words to my mother were always to complain such as who had left a bike out on the grass or why the shed door was unlocked? All the while throwing his stuff down loudly. If she wasn't there, which was most of the time cos crafty woman got to avoid him like the plague by taking jobs on opposite shifts to him, I was the eldest so copped for his complaints and temper. So I'd make sure he had nothing to blow up about. I spent my childhood people pleasing to avoid him beating me or my siblings and sometimes my mother. Of course it never worked. Nothing was ever good enough. I felt absolutely pointless and worthless coming out of childhood. If you can call it one. That where my problems really started. I ended up marrying bullies. Those bullies all had alcohol issues to greater or lesser extents and were abusive in different ways. They compounded my feelings of worthlessness and the cycle continued until I managed to break it.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579 
I was the eldest so copped for his complaints and temper. So I'd make sure he had nothing to blow up about. I spent my childhood people pleasing to avoid him beating me or my siblings and sometimes my mother.
The result of fighting that inclination is that you then feel guilty or uncomfortable. What will happen if everything isn't fixed! Well in adult life it should be pretty much nothing, but it's a hard habit to break (habit is not a good description but it will do!)
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Originally Posted by Zukunft
... Where did you begin?....
- What people, places and events trigger these negative feelings? For example; I felt horrible at birthday parties, and have to avoid any kind of attention given to me for my own birthday.
- How do I deal with these feelings? Before recovery I would physically remove myself from the birthday celebrations. I would call in sick to work, or change my birthday twice a year at work so they never actually got to throwing me a party.
- What other people, places and events trigger the same negative feelings? This is where the puzzle starts to come together. As I wrote out answers to this question I realized it wasn't just the birthdays, it was any time that I was the center of attention of "authority figures".
- What were the consequences in my childhood of being in that situation ( center of attention)? It meant that I was going to get hurt. Either emotionally or physically.
At this point in the process I go see a therapist and work out specific actions to take in order to change my feelings from the old childhood survival approach to an adult in-the-present approach. For the birthday problem I did a lot of "inner child" stuff and made my own birthday parties just for me and with nobody else around. Then I made a just-for-me party once a month. I took some classes on circus clowning, because I could put on a mask while being the center of attention.
That's what has worked for most of my ACA issues.
Originally Posted by Zukunft
... Why would my parents behave in ways that allowed me to develop those feelings? ....
Mike
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Zunkunft,
Interesting post. I don't identify as "co-dependent" but I probably have some of those things going on (we probably all do).
I don't have a therapist but I have been thinking about this. What I have been doing is looking at the big picture to start, what went on, what was I doing in all that and what was everyone else up to?
Not all alcoholics are the same, not everyone that grew up in a household with an alcoholic had the same experience but there are probably enough similarities that the results are not dis-similar.
The walking on eggshells thing I understand (mostly, I think). When you have one person in the household (the alcoholic) that is the center of attention when they are around that needs to be avoided or entertained or listened too, you get the eggshell scenario.
If the alcoholic is not catered to, there could be an explosion, anger, violence, have to tip toe around to avoid all of that, even when they are sober. Quiet so the alcoholic can stay asleep or sleep it off, nice happy conversation so as not to trigger them, listening to their stories because hey - someone has to right?
The spin off from this is that you then become secondary to their whims. Need to get your homework done, that's nice but the alcoholic has a story to tell or a person to scream at or they need a drink or some food.
Basically you are trapped and you are in survival mode a lot of the time. So you learn to survive and that carries on through your adulthood, you are a survivor, you are on guard, you are strong (at least on the surface).
The result, you cannot put on a brave face every day and just stuff all your feelings, it will all come bubbling to the surface eventually.
Anyway, this is getting long but that's an overview of what I have thought about, hope it's helpful.
One other thing, the not being "good enough" - when you are always secondary to another person (the alcoholic) your self-esteem takes a big hit, in my opinion.
Interesting post. I don't identify as "co-dependent" but I probably have some of those things going on (we probably all do).
I don't have a therapist but I have been thinking about this. What I have been doing is looking at the big picture to start, what went on, what was I doing in all that and what was everyone else up to?
Not all alcoholics are the same, not everyone that grew up in a household with an alcoholic had the same experience but there are probably enough similarities that the results are not dis-similar.
The walking on eggshells thing I understand (mostly, I think). When you have one person in the household (the alcoholic) that is the center of attention when they are around that needs to be avoided or entertained or listened too, you get the eggshell scenario.
If the alcoholic is not catered to, there could be an explosion, anger, violence, have to tip toe around to avoid all of that, even when they are sober. Quiet so the alcoholic can stay asleep or sleep it off, nice happy conversation so as not to trigger them, listening to their stories because hey - someone has to right?
The spin off from this is that you then become secondary to their whims. Need to get your homework done, that's nice but the alcoholic has a story to tell or a person to scream at or they need a drink or some food.
Basically you are trapped and you are in survival mode a lot of the time. So you learn to survive and that carries on through your adulthood, you are a survivor, you are on guard, you are strong (at least on the surface).
The result, you cannot put on a brave face every day and just stuff all your feelings, it will all come bubbling to the surface eventually.
Anyway, this is getting long but that's an overview of what I have thought about, hope it's helpful.
One other thing, the not being "good enough" - when you are always secondary to another person (the alcoholic) your self-esteem takes a big hit, in my opinion.
This all rings true with me. I didn't realize I had self esteem issues, but lately I've been thinking I may have some.
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes
My parents had no clue what damage they were doing.
Mike
Mike
As as an adult I realize my parents were people too! They have their own challenges and experiences and demons.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 25
There are two books that might be of interest to you, both by Pia Mellody. They actually should be used together:
1) Facing Codependence: What it is, Where it Comes From,How it Sabotages our Lives
2) Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence
I have read parts of Facing Codependence, but haven't tackled the workbook yet.
I am the oldest child from a large, Irish Catholic family. While I never thought of my parents as alcoholics, the nightly highball was something I remember. I don't blame them...lots of stresses raising seven kids and a dad working two jobs, plus it was all part of the culture of the 50s and 60s. My parents seemed just like all the other parents in the neighborhood.
But, when "abuse" is defined broadly as "less than nurturing" or "shaming" I can recognize that some of that occurred. As codependents we are often in denial about the negative aspects of our childhoods. It is only recently that I even considered the possibility that my parents had an alcohol use disorder, and I am in my 60s!
Certain codependent traits resonate with me, others don't. But, a couple that do include "being used to not getting your emotional needs met" and "putting more effort into a romantic relationship than your partner" "always doing more at work, picking up the slack for others, being super dependable".
I think it can also help to focus on things that were said that you remember from
your childhood. I can remember my mother saying to me once when I was about 9 or 10 and my father had just arrived home from work late and intoxicated, "Don't ever drink when you get older." Not really understanding, I replied "Not even water?" At the time, I was puzzled by her comment, but in retrospect, it tells me that there were some issues with alcohol in my FOO.
Good luck, Zunkunft, with your exploration and healing!
1) Facing Codependence: What it is, Where it Comes From,How it Sabotages our Lives
2) Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence
I have read parts of Facing Codependence, but haven't tackled the workbook yet.
I am the oldest child from a large, Irish Catholic family. While I never thought of my parents as alcoholics, the nightly highball was something I remember. I don't blame them...lots of stresses raising seven kids and a dad working two jobs, plus it was all part of the culture of the 50s and 60s. My parents seemed just like all the other parents in the neighborhood.
But, when "abuse" is defined broadly as "less than nurturing" or "shaming" I can recognize that some of that occurred. As codependents we are often in denial about the negative aspects of our childhoods. It is only recently that I even considered the possibility that my parents had an alcohol use disorder, and I am in my 60s!
Certain codependent traits resonate with me, others don't. But, a couple that do include "being used to not getting your emotional needs met" and "putting more effort into a romantic relationship than your partner" "always doing more at work, picking up the slack for others, being super dependable".
I think it can also help to focus on things that were said that you remember from
your childhood. I can remember my mother saying to me once when I was about 9 or 10 and my father had just arrived home from work late and intoxicated, "Don't ever drink when you get older." Not really understanding, I replied "Not even water?" At the time, I was puzzled by her comment, but in retrospect, it tells me that there were some issues with alcohol in my FOO.
Good luck, Zunkunft, with your exploration and healing!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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This is a great explanation of how different kinds of dysfunctional
families (not just due to alcohol or drug addiction-many kinds of addiction
or illness) occur. It's passed from generation to generation. I believe
what was happening to you around 9 or 10 years can be very informative.
https://www.whatiscodependency.com/y...odependency%29
I am healing and no longer wish for my past to define me. Good
luck on your journey
I think a great deal of shame originated
from not being able to "fix" my FOO.
families (not just due to alcohol or drug addiction-many kinds of addiction
or illness) occur. It's passed from generation to generation. I believe
what was happening to you around 9 or 10 years can be very informative.
https://www.whatiscodependency.com/y...odependency%29
I am healing and no longer wish for my past to define me. Good
luck on your journey
I think a great deal of shame originatedfrom not being able to "fix" my FOO.
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For me the relationship that got me here is the one that broke open me looking at my family of origin.
The stuff that made me uncomfortable in my relationship (walking on eggshells, for example) is a piece I was able to trace back in feeling to way before I met the problem drinker in my life.
In my situation my mother grew up in an alcoholic household and I suspect my father did too. The untreated co-dependency was what was apparent in my parent's generation though.....
For me when I was able to sit with what the current feelings triggered from older pieces I was able to start healing. In retrospect what a gift I gave myself to work on this big picture stuff from long ago. It was not easy in the moment though. I hope you can be proud of your hard work.
The stuff that made me uncomfortable in my relationship (walking on eggshells, for example) is a piece I was able to trace back in feeling to way before I met the problem drinker in my life.
In my situation my mother grew up in an alcoholic household and I suspect my father did too. The untreated co-dependency was what was apparent in my parent's generation though.....
For me when I was able to sit with what the current feelings triggered from older pieces I was able to start healing. In retrospect what a gift I gave myself to work on this big picture stuff from long ago. It was not easy in the moment though. I hope you can be proud of your hard work.
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As children, our brains are sponges to everything. We look up to our parents the most, regardless of real "loving" or dysfunctional behavior, we take this as what a loving relationship is.
We always want to think that our parents are the best in the world, that only had our best interests in mind, but breaking that shell is hard to do and is often the case once we get older.
Breaking the cycle of being in toxic relationships not just romantically, but in general takes time and effort, but it can be done.
We always want to think that our parents are the best in the world, that only had our best interests in mind, but breaking that shell is hard to do and is often the case once we get older.
Breaking the cycle of being in toxic relationships not just romantically, but in general takes time and effort, but it can be done.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I agree with this, I don't think most parents purposefully put their children through negative things.
As as an adult I realize my parents were people too! They have their own challenges and experiences and demons.
As as an adult I realize my parents were people too! They have their own challenges and experiences and demons.
I spent much of what I thought was a pretty decent childhood feeling uncomfortable about intimacy. I spent so much time worrying about things I couldn’t change or control. I avoided conflict if I knew I was not going to “win”.
Now (even just today!) a little portal seems to be opening and I can see for the first time the value of unconditional love. I never felt it Not really. And I never gave back when I received it. It was all about being the pleaser, the mediator, the dutiful child. Oh and most awkward moments were my birthdays too!
The world of emotions is slowly unfolding and I feel myself opening up. Being the adult me. Thanks for everyone’s responses. So precious.
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Thank you! I will definitely check it out!
Originally Posted by dandylion
Zuk......if you are interested, you can find videos on youtube relating to this subject.....by Gabor Mate.....
About the importance of childhood nurturing.....
About the importance of childhood nurturing.....
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I found that journaling in longhand while working my fourth step really helped to bring family issues to light for me. Something about the physical writing helped to unlock my brain and emotions.
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