Turquoise

ABF is working his 4 weeks notice so I am waiting for him to go now and there are 18 more days left. He has not drunk since I asked him to leave 2 weeks ago. It started off with a heart to heart , still loving, but then I realised it was all looking like it was getting 'back to normal'. I think he was hoping I might forgive him again and over the 4 weeks could negotiate his terms of leave and return hence the month 'holiday' he suggested . I've reclaimed my boundaries. Set the terms. No seeing each other for 4 months now at least. We have a holiday booked then, so I suggested we could see how things are at that point , as it would be his no drinking month historical benchmark. I can also see how I feel during that time and if I want that. Over the days that pass with him here still, I keep remembering all the things that have made me unhappy about his drinking and all the associated selfishness, meanness. I get flashbacks of anxiety and memories of things that I overlooked really, or didn't pay enough attention to, in my desperation to create some peace and normality in my life with him. It's making me angry again, so him being here is not easy. I'm also getting confirmation, but not about his commitment to sobriety and a potential future together with him in recovery, which was a term I set for us to be together in our aftermath heart to heart. The latest thing he said, which has sent me reeling back into emotional despair, questioning myself and my decision to leave him, I quote:
"You have presented me with a lifelong illness... Before I was a bloke who liked drinking... Now it has been clinically driven into my head by you..."
Hoping for his recovery was my last thread? I think I got that wrong .....

Leelee168

He's blaming you; in true alcoholic fashion, he blames anyone but himself.

Stay strong and do the best thing for you.

dandylion

Turquoise......after carefully re-reading all of your threads, and this post....I just see a sea of red flags that say that he is not ready for recovery......
I do get it that you are upset and are reluctant for the relationship to end....that is normal for the situation, I think. It is always hard to end relationships that you have invested a large part of yourself into. And, you invested quite a lot.....
And, I think that the children should be a big consideration, also...
You are going to grieve for a while....as a matter of fact, I believe that you have already started.....(which is good...because it is necessary and expected)....
I call it the "short term pain"....for the "long term gain"......

All total, this had been far less than 2yrs. of your life....which is a short time, considering the big picture of your life.....

I note how often you speak of hope that he will/can recover.....
No matter how many months he stays sober...one drink can/will send him reeling back into the abyss, once again. And, the fact that he refuses to get any help does not bode well....
His brain has been changed...and, he can never return to "normal" drinking...ever....
If you doubt this...or, if you would like scientific explanation of this...I suggest the following book for you to read....
"The Alcoholic Brain"....by Michael Kuhar. You can get it on amazon.com....

For yourself....you might want to read a book that is recommended over and over on this forum....
"Co-dependent No More"......you can get this one on amazon.com, also.....

Turquoise

Thanks both. Dandelion, thanks for reading through my story and for your thoughts. I have read Co dependant no more, but I still I find myself thinking about what books I could send him, while we're apart... I'll definately have to re-read it...😕

Clover71

Wow. I'm so sorry. I hope that you don't think what he said is true because it certainly isn't.


I have to say I have hope that my AH will seek help some day, but I don't think he is ready now and may never be. You and I are in different positions, because I'm already done with the marriage. But I'm also waiting for the inevitable split. We had a heart to heart and there was no blame (my choice to go this route), and I simply told him he is an adult and can obviously live the way he wants to live but that I hope some day he does seek help and I would be there for him in my own way if and when that happens. Boundaries are no drinking and driving and the kids can't see you noticeably wasted. I let go of any control I was trying to keep, and I'm no longer hanging on. No altimatums, no "permission" given or taken because he is an adult. Letting go and dealing with the big elephant in the room has reduced a lot of tension.

I agree that it sounds like you are possibly grieving. It's an important step really

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but some things you said really resonated with me

53500

Ugh. So now it's your fault?

IF he was only a "bloke who liked drinking" he would not be offended or defensive by the "life long illness" term. If someone said that to me I'd find it silly, like if they said "you're way too tall for a woman" (I'm 5'3) or something equally and obviously inaccurate.

The main thing is not that comment though, it is that you are unhappy with his drinking and he isn't.

Good for you, keeping your boundaries.

Turquoise

No hijack at all 😊... all comments are helpful and thankyou for taking the time to read. I think I'm struggling with the last part of letting go, because he's here and all his stuff is here. I can't imagine how it will feel when he's erased from my home, so I'm clinging onto bits of hope. I read the article about allowing yourself to grieve fully and I'm trying to keep it flowing . I'll do that when he's gone I guess. The anger keeps me strong in my boundaries at the moment. But it destroys what's left of the love and forgiveness and gives him carte blanche to discount that I ever loved him at all . I hope we can part peacefully.

EllieJ

What you are describing here is what helped me get the final push to say goodbye and know what I was doing was the right thing to do. I wrote down all the times he had promised to quit and then he eventually went back to the bottle. I wrote down the times his drinking made me feel my worst - like when I was feeling like we hadn't been intimate in a long time and I tried to interrupt his drinking by doing something to entice him and he just continued drinking...

I am in a somewhat similar position as you...I ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years about 2 weeks ago. He is of course promising to change. He's stopped drinking again. He's sending me text messages reminding me to hang on because he's going to "beat this." He's also trying to negotiate the length of our separation.

For me, I've decided that if my boyfriend got sober, and was sober for a long time - maybe a year at least - that if I haven't moved on and we still had a connection I would consider the possibility of getting back together. But in the meantime, I'm going to focus on me, I'm going to move on. Maybe one day I'll start dating again if I feel up for it. If the timing works out for us and he truly recovers - so be it.

Good for you for restating your boundaries. Don't waiver. You know what is best for you.

Turquoise

Thanks Ellie. It's so helpful to hear others in a similar situation. Making that decision, acting on it and sticking with it ! I am actual looking forward to getting my life back and feeling free from the anxiety. He opened a bottle of ginger beer today and my stomach churned thinking he'd started back on the beers . I've brought a new duvet cover in preparation for him going and me getting my bed back . That's after I've had a therapeutic go on the the dried pee stained foam mattress, that Im intending to thoroughly chop up somehow and dispose of 😂

Turquoise

Thanks, good point and too true!

Clover71

Anger also plays an important role IMO. I can't blame you for not feeling love and to forgiveness. I know this might sound strange, but maybe right now that's a good thing? I've gone through so many emotions - sadness, anger, resentment, grief, and nothingness. Being in limbo is difficult. I had to really let go and make it known. that I let go before I could have any peace in my home when he is around. I'm so ready for my space. I am still in limbo, and I just want it to end now for some reason. I'm kinda in nothingness mode right now.

hearthealth

That hope and love prevented me from divorcing. That's when I buckled. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If only half make changes in my case does not lead to a full happy marriage. There may be glimpses before moving out and divorcing because he feels like he has to but in my marriage it couldn't be sustained after the divorce was stopped.He is sober but even that does not make a happy healthy marriage.

Turquoise

Yes Clover. I know what you mean. My emotions are up and down every day. Some days I feel nothing , other days, sadness or anger. When I feel sad Or feel love again I find myself wanting check in with him, like a moment of weakness to ask that question again, has he got the capacity to change and does he want to, does he love me? Part of me still wants to believe we might get back together one day. This is irrational I know and only based on my fantasy of what could be. I need to be on my own again and digest the evidence, to really think that one through fully in terms if what I really want and need. Im usually disappointed if I do check in with him, because it comes from a need in me, but It's always, only ever, about him, never me or us. Yes i understand your limbo. It's really hard waiting, thats for certain. I find it confusing and hard work . Exhausting in fact. Only another 17 days to go for me 😣

PeacefulWater12

Sorry you are in this state of limbo. I am writing as a recovering A myself and with a husband who is a daily drinker.

Know that it is not your fault. He is doing classic alkie trick of deflecting. Is rubbish.

He is doing the minimal to try and keep the relationship going. If you listen to AA speakers tapes, you often hear alkies saying this. We are aware of what we are doing, we want to do the minimal and then get back into the real business of the day - our drinking.

trailmix

And this is always in direct conflict with this:

Thank you for posting that PeacefulWater, it really can't be said enough. I think it's so hard sometimes for "normies" to understand. We, logically, know this information, but understanding that it applies to every day and pretty much every hour of an alcoholics life is tough.

On the surface the A is taking out the garbage and watching a game and mowing the lawn and all seems "normal", but that's not the whole picture. I guess if it was no one would be with an alcoholic, if the day was:

- "I'm going to mow the lawn but I really just want a rum and coke"
- "Going to eat dinner and watch this game, but I just want a beer"
- "I'll go pick that up but my mind is really saying go to the liquor store and grab a bottle of vodka and drink until I blackout/pass out"

That would be real and who could deal with that. That is pretty much the reality though on many days and in some cases every day.

What a struggle, for both.

Turquoise

I get that Trailmix and Peacewater. Thanks for sharing your perspective and your honesty. That sounds to me like being horribly trapped. I've suggested he explores medication, therapy or AA support. It must be even more difficult, to feel unable to share his experience with anyone in the same or similar situation. Well with anyone. What you said gave me food for thought. Thankyou

Clover71

Exhausting is right. And know that once that exhaustion ends you might temporarily "crash." You may have already experienced that. I know I have. I think that's why I keep going and going - always needing to be on cue and strong. Or maybe you will just be relieved which would be nice.

Two thoughts came to mind - this is from my experience when my mom left my dad. He became angrier towards the end. Hopefully that won't happen, and I wouldn't worry about it, but be prepared if you can

Secondly - think about that checking in. Are you sure it's about love and not habit? Could you check in with a friend instead when you feel the urge? You said it's about him anyway, so all you are getting from it at this point maybe is that it helps knowing you are doing the right thing. At least with a friend, etc you could get something too. Just don't call one of those needy friends. Lol

dandylion

Turquoise...I think that the book that I suggested...."The Addicted Brain"...by Michael Kuhar, will help give you a different perspective...based, in large part on the actual changes within the brain of the alcoholic....
At the point that addiction occurs, in the brain, there are profound changes that influence emotions, thinking and behaviors......

Now, I understand that you are ending the relationship and, I do not, in the slightest, want to deter you from that....because, protecting your own welfare should be your own top responsibility, I think.
But, in your own interest, I think that understanding the true nature of this disease can be helpful in some ways....I think that it can remove the persistence of false hope, and, take a lot of "responsibility" off of your own shoulders....some of the guilt, confusion, and self doubt that so many partners of alcoholics report.....

***Important to always remember that he is not drinking at you...or, to deliberately hurt you (although it does)....or, even to hurt himself....he is drinking because he is an alcoholic with an alcoholic brain and mind.....when we can realize that....it casts a new light on the whole situation....