Feeling sick to my stomach
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
Feeling sick to my stomach
I hate conflict. HATE it. So much so I will let people treat me like crap just so I don’t have to have a confrontation. I don’t know where to start and I’m just so tired of it all I don’t have the energy to type it out. But basically my sister and her husband don’t like my husband because my husband is honest and he has made it known he doesn’t like my AM. I’m now being excluded from things because of it. I finally confronted my sister and she said I was attacking her. I was just trying to just speak up for myself and ask why I was excluded from a BBQ that my entire family was at except me. Now it’s a huge conflict in my family. I want to check out but my husband wants to sit down with my sister to clear things up. He’s very upset with her for throwing his name around. I normally talk to my sister everyday. Now we’re not speaking and I don’t know how we can come back from this. I also told my mom how I felt and now my AM and sister are using their hatred for my husband as well as the fact that I “attacked” them by speaking my opinions as a bonding experience. It’s so horrible. My sister is due to have a baby in two months, and it just feels terrible that I may not be there. I don’t even know. I just needed to rant.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, Jess....I am sorry to hear about this. Alcoholism truly is a family disease. I wish I could give you some magic words to say that will make this better, but I suspect time will be the most helpful thing.
Sometimes with my own family dynamics, if I "leave well enough alone" for a while, then conversation can begin again. Wishing you peace and strength!
Sometimes with my own family dynamics, if I "leave well enough alone" for a while, then conversation can begin again. Wishing you peace and strength!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Jess
I am sorry to suggest this, with the baby coming, but detaching from your sister is one option for you.
I had to do this with both my sisters for my own emotional and mental health.
I am very sorry for your situation.
I am sorry to suggest this, with the baby coming, but detaching from your sister is one option for you.
I had to do this with both my sisters for my own emotional and mental health.
I am very sorry for your situation.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 6
Hi Jess:
I have to agree with the previous replies, detaching is often the only way to d-escalate a situation like this.
I've been there myself, and had to completely detach from all family connections until things calmed down and cooled off. My family detested my husband without cause for the first 4 years of our marriage, even though they all attended the wedding. It wasn't until after I had our first child that they would even speak to me again. My mother secretly drank, as did my older sister, my dad wasn't coping well with the situation and my younger brother was an undiagnosed autistic-spectrum kid. Things were not good. My marrying and moving out triggered something, and things did not get any better until I detached. I refused to let them ruin my marriage (to my best friend - we met in school) and this made them very angry. It was pretty weird from my point of view. This was all many years ago now, and even though both my parents have since passed away, my brother was finally diagnosed (after a serious MV accident), I still don't have that much contact with my sister or brother. They won't take phone calls from me, but do email when they need something from me.
I've learned to live with this by having my own life and accepting that my family has problems that they don't wish to acknowledge.
You can't force anyone to be reasonable. But you can limit the damage they cause you by disengaging.
I have to agree with the previous replies, detaching is often the only way to d-escalate a situation like this.
I've been there myself, and had to completely detach from all family connections until things calmed down and cooled off. My family detested my husband without cause for the first 4 years of our marriage, even though they all attended the wedding. It wasn't until after I had our first child that they would even speak to me again. My mother secretly drank, as did my older sister, my dad wasn't coping well with the situation and my younger brother was an undiagnosed autistic-spectrum kid. Things were not good. My marrying and moving out triggered something, and things did not get any better until I detached. I refused to let them ruin my marriage (to my best friend - we met in school) and this made them very angry. It was pretty weird from my point of view. This was all many years ago now, and even though both my parents have since passed away, my brother was finally diagnosed (after a serious MV accident), I still don't have that much contact with my sister or brother. They won't take phone calls from me, but do email when they need something from me.
I've learned to live with this by having my own life and accepting that my family has problems that they don't wish to acknowledge.
You can't force anyone to be reasonable. But you can limit the damage they cause you by disengaging.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 958
Hello Jess and welcome.
I have to agree with the previous posts. I too detached from my family when those types of conflicts began to arise (I had limited success in confronting them). It caused the FOO (my family of origin) dynamics to shift. It was hard for them to keep their anger towards me if I wasn't around and engaging them.
They eventually got 'over it' in varying degrees - but it did take years. And I think my mother's perspective only shifted because of her own situation (she is confronting her mortality after being diagnosed with a serious illness).
I'm hoping for the best for you.
I have to agree with the previous posts. I too detached from my family when those types of conflicts began to arise (I had limited success in confronting them). It caused the FOO (my family of origin) dynamics to shift. It was hard for them to keep their anger towards me if I wasn't around and engaging them.
They eventually got 'over it' in varying degrees - but it did take years. And I think my mother's perspective only shifted because of her own situation (she is confronting her mortality after being diagnosed with a serious illness).
I'm hoping for the best for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
Thank you
Thank you for all the responses. I’m doing my best to not be engulfed in the conflict and disengaging and detaching. I’m finding it very difficult but you guys are right, I think it’s my only option right now. As of right now I told my family I need a break. I’m hoping with time it will heal all the pain I’m feeling.
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