Chrono105

I posted in the newbie section but I feel like I should post here since it's the proper sub. Little background, been with my girlfriend for 4 months, both 31, shes newly separated in process of divorce with a 5 year marriage knew her for 18 years we met in high school. she reached out to me after separation with her also alchohaulic husband, we been moving fast and I fell hard for her. I have done my drugs and crazy stuff but I have never been an addict or was affiliated with any na or aa until we started dating. She has been in alateen alanon etc because her mother was and still is a hard core addict.

I am ashamed and heartbroken to admit I have been clearly enabling her by more or less being her nurse for the first month, she eventually agreed to detox and was clean for a month until she got a hold of a bottle at her mother's house, her mother refused to stop drinking and she found ways to drink when I was gone. She recently was in the er for vomiting and would not eat or drink. We were in the er for 8 hours they did every test and thankfully it all came out ok but she dry heaved for hours and I was terrified.

Shes now at my house more or less living here because the only other place she can go is her mother's which is a minefield. I refused to get her alchohaul and now like always she won't talk to me and makes me feel so bad but I know I cant give in she must make the choice to get help. I feel like I cant walk away this girl I love literally has nobody else that is not trying to suck her back in that world. How do I help her without abandoning her like everyone else did.

Thank god for this forum and all you wonderful people it's like an oasis from this chaos.

firebolt

Chrono, it doesn't sound like she WANTS help. It sounds like she wants to drink.

But, you are here looking for help for her. How about help for you? We know exactly how painful and defeating this is. I'm really glad you are here and hope you stick around, and maybe catch some Alanon meetings, and order Codependent no more. All of those things helped ME so much.

OH - and the stickies at the top of the Friends and Family main page.....holy hell a lot of valuable information to be found there. Keep posting!

And, (((HUGS))) to you.

Chrono105

I should clarify that I am a smoker of both cigarettes and marijuana but it's never been overwhelming to the point of life altering so I'm not sure what category I would fall in addict or not. I have recently been smoking far less since I been with her mostly from just focusing on her 24/7. Just more info for everyone not sure if it matters.

Thank you all.

Chrono105

Thank you so much reading these words helps so much.

SparkleKitty

Chrono, when she wants help badly enough, she will find a way to get it.

You can't want it for her, no matter how much you want that.

In the meantime, you have only been in this relationship for four months and it has completely overtaken your life. Under the *best* of circumstances (and addiction is never the best of circumstances) that would not be a healthy thing. You have some stuff within yourself to look at here.

I know from your other thread that the two of you have been dancing around this relationship longer than just four months, but that still doesn't excuse all of the relationship red flags you have breezed by in order to try to force this to work. She makes room in her life for only one relationship right now, and that is with alcohol.

You gotta take care of yourself, my friend. If you really want to help her, you will have to help yourself first.

atalose

It sounds like you have chosen to imprison yourself with her in your own home, that must feel draining. Do you work? Who watches her while you are not there?

Have you given any thought to why you? Why after 18 years are YOU now the one who has to be responsible for her? What you see as abandoning her by others is most likely acceptance by them of the fact that you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. And that no one for any reason needs to accept unacceptable behavior from anyone let alone an alcoholic.

Alcoholics blame everyone else for their drinking and behavior, it was her husband’s fault, it was her mother’s fault, now it’s your fault………..see a pattern?

tomsteve

how can she get sucked back into a world she is already in?
which honestly reads like a world she never left.

DontRemember

How much of your weed $$$ do you spend on her living with you(buying booze,food,ect..)? Addicts are a VERY expensive 'pet' to hang around..just sayin'. Then there's the whole emotional saga you're put through on a daily basis..Be her friend and that's it. Do you know her exh?

Bekindalways

Welcome to Soberrecovery Chrono. I hope you find this forum supportive even when folks are telling you things you probably would rather not know.

It doesn't sound like your GF is interested in getting help. As an adult, she has the right to live as she wants no matter how destructive it is to her life. This concept is super painful for those of us who fall in love with addicts/alcoholic as their addiction destroys our dreams.

Please take care of yourself and look into Alanon. It doesn't work for everyone but has been a lifesaver for many.

Peace and wisdom to you.

wiscsober

aye..run don't look back