New Here. Spoke my mind and feeling guilty and ashamed
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
New Here. Spoke my mind and feeling guilty and ashamed
I finally stood up to my alcholic mother. Is the acronym AM? Still trying to figure that out after reading posts. Anyways, I’m going to use AM for now. The thing is, I have done this in the past where I tell her all my grievances after a particular night of her drinking. But not this time. I’ve let it go for years. My immediate family tiptoes and pretends everything is ok, just don’t say anything to mom to make her mad. Especially don’t ask about the alcoholism. I have a 5 month old now. My mom doesn’t make an effort to see her even though we live 5 minutes away. But when we do stop by on Sundays, I never know what state she’s going to be in. Most of the time shes very hungover and hasn’t gotten dressed since the day before. I finally blew up and told her I don’t want her in my life or my daughters unless she gets help. I know this is never going to happen so what am I doing saying this. The worse part is is that my dad asked why would I say all that to my mom? She didn’t drink the night before, she was good and happy that day. My sister said why would I do this to my mom, she’s accepted she’s an alcholic why can’t I? I don’t want my daughter seeing me upset over my dysfunctional family when she’s old enough to understand. I spend too much energy on it. I want free from all of it. But then I think back to well, I love my mom and my stupid family. I keep flip flopping. I was so proud of myself for choosing to finally say something but now I know why I never do. I get shut down and become the bad guy in the family.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hello and welcome to SR.
i'm really proud of you too!!! even if there are family rules against it, it's ok to speak your mind, set boundaries, and make your own choices for your own life!!!!
the more dysfunctional the pool we came out of, the more twisty feelings we are going to get when we try to change the status quo. those still IN the pool will try every trick in the book to get US back in there with them. guilt, tons of it, shaming, hostility, shunning. all tricks to get us to CHANGE BACK.
i really heard echoes of my own story when my daughter was a baby. my mom would SAY how much she wanted time with her, etc, but either she was in no condition to watch a dead goldfish, OR she made such a big deal out of it i never wanted to ask again. and we LIVED with her for a time!!!
you're a mom now and you need to do what you think is best for your baby. so i commend you.
i'm really proud of you too!!! even if there are family rules against it, it's ok to speak your mind, set boundaries, and make your own choices for your own life!!!!
the more dysfunctional the pool we came out of, the more twisty feelings we are going to get when we try to change the status quo. those still IN the pool will try every trick in the book to get US back in there with them. guilt, tons of it, shaming, hostility, shunning. all tricks to get us to CHANGE BACK.
i really heard echoes of my own story when my daughter was a baby. my mom would SAY how much she wanted time with her, etc, but either she was in no condition to watch a dead goldfish, OR she made such a big deal out of it i never wanted to ask again. and we LIVED with her for a time!!!
you're a mom now and you need to do what you think is best for your baby. so i commend you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi Jess,
It seems crazy to be in this situation when you see all this and everyone else is tip-toeing around pretending like all is good.
Sounds like you are carrying around a lot of resentment, that's completely understandable.
Thing is, the fact is your Mom is an alcoholic. She has decided she is going to drink and probably nothing that you say is going to change that, she has to really really want it to make that change.
The thing with resentment is, most of the time, it's only hurting you (and the other person when you finally have had enough). If you are going to be around your Mom you are going to have to accept that she is an alcoholic.
Now that does not mean you have to accept any behavior that you don't want to, you are free to set up boundaries as you see fit. Boundaries being what your limits are (rather than rules for someone else).
Do you still want to see your Mom? If so a reasonable boundary is you won't be going over to visit if she is hung-over or drinking. Now, that one you would need to tell her about and you can call beforehand if you like. Doesn't mean she has to change her behavior, this is for you and your child, not for her.
Another might be that you won't be attending a family function if she is drinking, or maybe if there is alcohol at all.
You get the gist.
Resentment, generally, occurs when you just bottle up all that stuff inside because what is the point anyway - you have no control.
Boundaries give you back your control.
It seems crazy to be in this situation when you see all this and everyone else is tip-toeing around pretending like all is good.
Sounds like you are carrying around a lot of resentment, that's completely understandable.
Thing is, the fact is your Mom is an alcoholic. She has decided she is going to drink and probably nothing that you say is going to change that, she has to really really want it to make that change.
The thing with resentment is, most of the time, it's only hurting you (and the other person when you finally have had enough). If you are going to be around your Mom you are going to have to accept that she is an alcoholic.
Now that does not mean you have to accept any behavior that you don't want to, you are free to set up boundaries as you see fit. Boundaries being what your limits are (rather than rules for someone else).
Do you still want to see your Mom? If so a reasonable boundary is you won't be going over to visit if she is hung-over or drinking. Now, that one you would need to tell her about and you can call beforehand if you like. Doesn't mean she has to change her behavior, this is for you and your child, not for her.
Another might be that you won't be attending a family function if she is drinking, or maybe if there is alcohol at all.
You get the gist.
Resentment, generally, occurs when you just bottle up all that stuff inside because what is the point anyway - you have no control.
Boundaries give you back your control.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Jess
I TOTALLY get everything you are dealing with.
Trying to change a family culture like this is about as likely as making a pet out of a 25' Burmese Python.
As we say in the Serenity prayer, courage to change the things we CAN. Sometimes our own emotional and spiritual health dictates us saying goodbye to people.
I TOTALLY get everything you are dealing with.
Trying to change a family culture like this is about as likely as making a pet out of a 25' Burmese Python.
As we say in the Serenity prayer, courage to change the things we CAN. Sometimes our own emotional and spiritual health dictates us saying goodbye to people.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Hi Jess,
It seems crazy to be in this situation when you see all this and everyone else is tip-toeing around pretending like all is good.
Sounds like you are carrying around a lot of resentment, that's completely understandable.
Thing is, the fact is your Mom is an alcoholic. She has decided she is going to drink and probably nothing that you say is going to change that, she has to really really want it to make that change.
The thing with resentment is, most of the time, it's only hurting you (and the other person when you finally have had enough). If you are going to be around your Mom you are going to have to accept that she is an alcoholic.
Now that does not mean you have to accept any behavior that you don't want to, you are free to set up boundaries as you see fit. Boundaries being what your limits are (rather than rules for someone else).
Do you still want to see your Mom? If so a reasonable boundary is you won't be going over to visit if she is hung-over or drinking. Now, that one you would need to tell her about and you can call beforehand if you like. Doesn't mean she has to change her behavior, this is for you and your child, not for her.
Another might be that you won't be attending a family function if she is drinking, or maybe if there is alcohol at all.
You get the gist.
Resentment, generally, occurs when you just bottle up all that stuff inside because what is the point anyway - you have no control.
Boundaries give you back your control.
It seems crazy to be in this situation when you see all this and everyone else is tip-toeing around pretending like all is good.
Sounds like you are carrying around a lot of resentment, that's completely understandable.
Thing is, the fact is your Mom is an alcoholic. She has decided she is going to drink and probably nothing that you say is going to change that, she has to really really want it to make that change.
The thing with resentment is, most of the time, it's only hurting you (and the other person when you finally have had enough). If you are going to be around your Mom you are going to have to accept that she is an alcoholic.
Now that does not mean you have to accept any behavior that you don't want to, you are free to set up boundaries as you see fit. Boundaries being what your limits are (rather than rules for someone else).
Do you still want to see your Mom? If so a reasonable boundary is you won't be going over to visit if she is hung-over or drinking. Now, that one you would need to tell her about and you can call beforehand if you like. Doesn't mean she has to change her behavior, this is for you and your child, not for her.
Another might be that you won't be attending a family function if she is drinking, or maybe if there is alcohol at all.
You get the gist.
Resentment, generally, occurs when you just bottle up all that stuff inside because what is the point anyway - you have no control.
Boundaries give you back your control.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
No advice. Just commiseration. As a result, this post is all over the place.
I suspect you said it to her because at the moment she was sober and you were thinking you had a chance to get through to her.
I struggle with the idea of acceptance with my sister. Does acceptance mean giving up on her? I don't want to give up on her, but at the same time I don't want to buy an express ticket to insanity every time she displays typical behavior. I understand intellectually that acceptance/forgiveness is a gift for myself, but since I struggle with it emotionally I don't presume that acceptance is a gift that everyone should accept gladly at a moment's notice.
One idea that my therapist floated along my way was that perhaps confrontation is a natural consequence of her actions. Confrontation wouldn't necessarily actually accomplish anything, but the anger behind that confrontation is pretty much inevitable, and any attempt to stifle it would just lead to additional misery. Your mom shows up hungover when you visit her and she doesn't make any attempt to visit you. Of COURSE you're going to be mad. What else would she expect?
My extended family were masters at hiding things. My sociopathic cousin got away with abusing his siblings, my sister, my cousins, and the mother of his child, because too many people were willing to turn the other way. He abused his siblings to the point that they were sent to foster care. Even now I hear stories of how his parents hid his victims in their house so he wouldn't get in trouble. I saw for myself that my own dad turned a blind eye to his behavior because he didn't want to upset the apple cart.
So when I read your story, I thought, "Good for you."
I finally blew up and told her I don’t want her in my life or my daughters unless she gets help. I know this is never going to happen so what am I doing saying this. The worse part is is that my dad asked why would I say all that to my mom? She didn’t drink the night before, she was good and happy that day.
I struggle with the idea of acceptance with my sister. Does acceptance mean giving up on her? I don't want to give up on her, but at the same time I don't want to buy an express ticket to insanity every time she displays typical behavior. I understand intellectually that acceptance/forgiveness is a gift for myself, but since I struggle with it emotionally I don't presume that acceptance is a gift that everyone should accept gladly at a moment's notice.
One idea that my therapist floated along my way was that perhaps confrontation is a natural consequence of her actions. Confrontation wouldn't necessarily actually accomplish anything, but the anger behind that confrontation is pretty much inevitable, and any attempt to stifle it would just lead to additional misery. Your mom shows up hungover when you visit her and she doesn't make any attempt to visit you. Of COURSE you're going to be mad. What else would she expect?
My extended family were masters at hiding things. My sociopathic cousin got away with abusing his siblings, my sister, my cousins, and the mother of his child, because too many people were willing to turn the other way. He abused his siblings to the point that they were sent to foster care. Even now I hear stories of how his parents hid his victims in their house so he wouldn't get in trouble. I saw for myself that my own dad turned a blind eye to his behavior because he didn't want to upset the apple cart.
So when I read your story, I thought, "Good for you."
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Sending you big hugs!
Originally Posted by Jess2014
I finally stood up to my alcholic mother. Is the acronym AM? Still trying to figure that out after reading posts. Anyways, I’m going to use AM for now. The thing is, I have done this in the past where I tell her all my grievances after a particular night of her drinking. But not this time. I’ve let it go for years. My immediate family tiptoes and pretends everything is ok, just don’t say anything to mom to make her mad. Especially don’t ask about the alcoholism. I have a 5 month old now. My mom doesn’t make an effort to see her even though we live 5 minutes away. But when we do stop by on Sundays, I never know what state she’s going to be in. Most of the time shes very hungover and hasn’t gotten dressed since the day before. I finally blew up and told her I don’t want her in my life or my daughters unless she gets help. I know this is never going to happen so what am I doing saying this. The worse part is is that my dad asked why would I say all that to my mom? She didn’t drink the night before, she was good and happy that day. My sister said why would I do this to my mom, she’s accepted she’s an alcholic why can’t I? I don’t want my daughter seeing me upset over my dysfunctional family when she’s old enough to understand. I spend too much energy on it. I want free from all of it. But then I think back to well, I love my mom and my stupid family. I keep flip flopping. I was so proud of myself for choosing to finally say something but now I know why I never do. I get shut down and become the bad guy in the family.
I don't know whether to scream and yell at her, IIt's insanity. It makes me so sad. I miss those normal mom and daughter days.
It makes me feel like I'm crazy. She always gets up, dressed, does her make up, etc. though, so I feel even crazier.... LoL....
I don't have a kid, but I always wonder how different it would be if I had a kid...
In my opinion, though, you have every right to express your opinion.
Holding onto it will make you crazy. I did it for years, and it led to me cutting myself, having an eating disorder and eventually doing drugs to lose weight. The key for me was, expressing it, and now that you did, let it go. What I do now though, I do let it go. It's her choice, and I have to accept it. I do a lot of yoga, yoga has been my lifesaver.
I don't see her too often, but I do a lot of meditating and yoga and reminding myself that it's her stuff, her choices. But you DO have the right to your feelings, don't deny yourself of that. When you stop by on Sundays, you can control the visits. Maybe make them very short.
Or in your head have a plan B. I have learned to do that. Or when I see my mom, I know certain things are going to set me off, when she starts repeating herself 18 times, and asking me the same question, I have learned to just smile and nod, instead of in my head blowing up, (my normal immediate response) or I'll remember Oh I need to take the dog for a walk. lol, Or when she starts to argue with me, I have to go to the bathroom. Little coping skills I've had to learn in order to keep my sanity. I don't know, maybe all the wrong things, someone might say. But it has worked for me, because in the past, I did the same thing, got into some heated arguments, that used to lead to me cutting, or hurting myself....
Sending you big hugs....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Jess2014 -
AlAnon helped me get my head around my whole alcoholic family upbringing. And it gave me some tools to use when dealing with my A brothers, helped me learn how to detach and protect myself, my children, and my peace of mind (no one else will do this!!) and yet not engage in showdowns or arguments. I engaged in plenty of hollering and venting at them before I learned how stuck I was in that dynamic. Ugh.
I mostly just steer clear of them and send them love from a distance. There have been years, YEARS, where I only sent them postcards and letters. Just sending them love. There really isn't much else I can "do." I maintained boundaries when my kids were little because I didn't want them to be around that dynamic where the rest of the family acts like it's all OK. It is not OK!!!
And developing the courage to talk openly and frequently with my boys about alcoholism and my family led to a very close and honest relationship between us, once I got over that family imposed taboo (boy was I well trained). You're only as sick as your secrets!
I know its hard to attend AlAnon meetings when you have a little one, but see if the schedule works for you at all - it made all the difference for me.
Good luck and stick around here too - great peeps with lots of experience, strength, and hope.
Peace,
B.
AlAnon helped me get my head around my whole alcoholic family upbringing. And it gave me some tools to use when dealing with my A brothers, helped me learn how to detach and protect myself, my children, and my peace of mind (no one else will do this!!) and yet not engage in showdowns or arguments. I engaged in plenty of hollering and venting at them before I learned how stuck I was in that dynamic. Ugh.
I mostly just steer clear of them and send them love from a distance. There have been years, YEARS, where I only sent them postcards and letters. Just sending them love. There really isn't much else I can "do." I maintained boundaries when my kids were little because I didn't want them to be around that dynamic where the rest of the family acts like it's all OK. It is not OK!!!
And developing the courage to talk openly and frequently with my boys about alcoholism and my family led to a very close and honest relationship between us, once I got over that family imposed taboo (boy was I well trained). You're only as sick as your secrets!
I know its hard to attend AlAnon meetings when you have a little one, but see if the schedule works for you at all - it made all the difference for me.
Good luck and stick around here too - great peeps with lots of experience, strength, and hope.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by Done_With_It
This put pressure in my chest, not sure why, when I read it. Read it twice. I think because it's taken me years to figure this out. Still very hard to accept but I do. But thank you for saying it, was nice to read what I have to accept, hearing it from someone else was comforting. Not something I talk about outloud.
The acceptance that I talk about is all for you, not for them. My Father was an alcoholic, I always accepted it, it never occurred to me not to. It was presented to us (by my Mother) as the way it was and it just - was.
This also isn't about forgiveness. It's about taking your control back.
You can't really control other people, they are going to do whatever they are going to do. Doesn't mean you can't have a talk to your Mom about her drinking, it's nothing like that.
It's about deciding what YOU want. What makes you happy? I don't know if you still live with your parents or have moved out but if you are still at home that makes it a bit trickier, might have to spend a lot of time at friends or the mall!
When we were grown up and had our own kids, we would still visit my Father, usually on a Sunday, for dinner (parents were divorced by then). He was sober when we showed up and when we left. I don't think any of us would have put up with some drunken Sunday dinner with the children. Basically they were never around him when he had been drinking. Maybe a few times when they were older (and very young).
I would also talk to him on the phone from time to time. He never called me drunk that I can remember, if he did that would have been a very short conversation.
We never discussed boundaries but I guess he understood.
It certainly helps to have siblings if you are all on the same page!
Now this all sounds very civilized but it wasn't always that way. I was angry as a teen and I let him know how I felt more than once. Had exactly zero impact, I probably felt better for a few minutes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
What Trailmix says right here explains resentment and boundaries perfectly!......Resentment, generally, occurs when you just bottle up all that stuff inside because what is the point anyway - you have no control.
Boundaries give you back your control.
Boundaries give you back your control.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Al-anon helped me to figure things out with my family and all the dysfunctional people in my life, and not necessarily just the alcoholic. When a family is grown around alcoholism it truly does affect each and every single one and in many different ways. And when one of those family members breaks the traditional norms it is going to affect each family member differently but they will share the common goal of trying to get you to stick to the traditional known way of handling family matters.
I once heard in al-anon a woman share her story about becoming the black sheep in the family for voicing her opinions and objections that were different then the rest of the family. She said once she began al-anon she found the rest of her heard and discovered a whole new way of approaching life.
I once heard in al-anon a woman share her story about becoming the black sheep in the family for voicing her opinions and objections that were different then the rest of the family. She said once she began al-anon she found the rest of her heard and discovered a whole new way of approaching life.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you said it for you, because YOU needed that, and that is absolutely ok. You may find that having a relationship with her is simply too toxic. It does not mean you love her any less, just that you have to love her from afar. I agree, Alanon or Celebrate Recovery would give you a good face to face support system.
I am sorry for all you are going through.
I am sorry for all you are going through.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
Thank you everyone
Thank you very much for all the insightful replies. Each of you responses gave me an outside perspective and I really appreciate that. I agree I want to start al anon but I’m not going to lie I’m sort of scared to go. I’m going to keep coming on here for now and I’m hoping by reading everyone’s stories I’ll finally get the courage to go.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here.
Here's a couple links:
About working the 12 steps in Alanon
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Recovery)
Alanon info and meeting schedules.
https://al-anon.org/
My story:
I was very scared about going to Alanon. I had been taught "don't tell, don't make waves, don't feel and don't put yourself first".
At each meeting I found acceptance. No judgement, no advice. Simply a place that was safe to be me and find my own voice.
Here's a couple links:
About working the 12 steps in Alanon
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Recovery)
Alanon info and meeting schedules.
https://al-anon.org/
My story:
I was very scared about going to Alanon. I had been taught "don't tell, don't make waves, don't feel and don't put yourself first".
At each meeting I found acceptance. No judgement, no advice. Simply a place that was safe to be me and find my own voice.
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