Checking in on day 149
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Arlington, Texas
Posts: 64
Checking in on day 149
I made a deal a while back with some of you that we would check in at 5 months, 6 months, whatever milestone we'd victoriously bounded through, stumbled through, crawled through, sobbed through, or what have you.
Today is 149 days for me. I could wait until tomorrow night, but I think I just need to post today.
I keep setting goals for myself. Just get through this, just get through that, on to the next goal on the horizon. And in doing so I laid a trap for myself without realizing it. First I was just going to get through my divorce. Did that. Then I was going to try to get to my kid's birthday sober. Check. Then it was tax season (that's my job, which I have discovered is somewhat easier without drinking every night). Got through that.
Then one of my kids got hospitalized and all I could think about was getting her back safe and sound. Drinking was honestly the last thing on my mind. But once I did get her back and everything was okay for a hot minute, I didn't have that next goal on the horizon. And I had one heinous night of rationalizations and self-torture and urges to drink like I don't think I've ever had before.
I did not drink. But it was much closer than I thought possible for myself to get again. It scared the hell out of me and made me so very ashamed.
I think a lot of us are fairly dramatic and live life one crisis to the next. I was entirely unprepared for a time when there was no crisis to handle or battle to fight. For me, the toughest moments appear to be when I have to just be content with myself. That pretty much sucks. I like to have concrete answers for things and I don't think there is a good instruction manual out there for "How to Be Content With Yourself During Periods of Okayness."
So I know I'll spend my 150th day sober, and I have great faith that I will come back and check in at 180. But for about six hours on my bad night, it was all a little touch and go. I was on here frantically reading everyone's posts and I dragged my kid on an eight mile hike and I viciously cleaned my apartment and I think I would have taken up full contact football or joined the Peace Corps at 4am just to not have to be party to my own thoughts at the time.
Thank you to everyone who posts and shares on these forums. It's been a lifeline for me.
Today is 149 days for me. I could wait until tomorrow night, but I think I just need to post today.
I keep setting goals for myself. Just get through this, just get through that, on to the next goal on the horizon. And in doing so I laid a trap for myself without realizing it. First I was just going to get through my divorce. Did that. Then I was going to try to get to my kid's birthday sober. Check. Then it was tax season (that's my job, which I have discovered is somewhat easier without drinking every night). Got through that.
Then one of my kids got hospitalized and all I could think about was getting her back safe and sound. Drinking was honestly the last thing on my mind. But once I did get her back and everything was okay for a hot minute, I didn't have that next goal on the horizon. And I had one heinous night of rationalizations and self-torture and urges to drink like I don't think I've ever had before.
I did not drink. But it was much closer than I thought possible for myself to get again. It scared the hell out of me and made me so very ashamed.
I think a lot of us are fairly dramatic and live life one crisis to the next. I was entirely unprepared for a time when there was no crisis to handle or battle to fight. For me, the toughest moments appear to be when I have to just be content with myself. That pretty much sucks. I like to have concrete answers for things and I don't think there is a good instruction manual out there for "How to Be Content With Yourself During Periods of Okayness."
So I know I'll spend my 150th day sober, and I have great faith that I will come back and check in at 180. But for about six hours on my bad night, it was all a little touch and go. I was on here frantically reading everyone's posts and I dragged my kid on an eight mile hike and I viciously cleaned my apartment and I think I would have taken up full contact football or joined the Peace Corps at 4am just to not have to be party to my own thoughts at the time.
Thank you to everyone who posts and shares on these forums. It's been a lifeline for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 116
Same here, no struggle in your life and having a moment being comfortable with people you like, who drink just a little (non alcoholics), but do not drink a lot. Then when they serve something in an informal situation, like a glass of wine while cooking / grilling is so f#*%§ing dangeous to me, too.
If I am prepared for the situation I can steer myself easily, the problem is, when I am not getting into an aware state of mind, caught off guard.
Thanks for sharing.
If I am prepared for the situation I can steer myself easily, the problem is, when I am not getting into an aware state of mind, caught off guard.
Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 350
Hi FNF
Well done on another milestone 5 months is fantastic I'm not to far behind you.
I think this is a very dangerous time in sobriety. The guard is being lowered and leaving us open for a sucker punch from the AV when a situation arises in life.
I am one of your fellow milestone embracers and look forward to posting when I reach the next level.
Congratulations and on towards half a year😱
Well done on another milestone 5 months is fantastic I'm not to far behind you.
I think this is a very dangerous time in sobriety. The guard is being lowered and leaving us open for a sucker punch from the AV when a situation arises in life.
I am one of your fellow milestone embracers and look forward to posting when I reach the next level.
Congratulations and on towards half a year😱
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi FlawedNFntastic 
congrats on your sober time
yeh for a while my recovery was goal orientated - get through this day, this week, this crisis...but over time I realised I wanted to stay sober - I wanted to be sober for good, permanentty.
You;re right that it's about being content and about being ok with being ok.
I hated being in my own company - it terrified me because I'd egt my validatiuon from other and how they reacted to me.
Recovery taught be that there's an internal validation too, and that there's nothign scary in being by myself
I think being ok with being content is a skill like anything else and the more we practise it the more we become familiar with it, the more it becomes the new default.
You have a great head start
D
congrats on your sober time
yeh for a while my recovery was goal orientated - get through this day, this week, this crisis...but over time I realised I wanted to stay sober - I wanted to be sober for good, permanentty.
You;re right that it's about being content and about being ok with being ok.
I hated being in my own company - it terrified me because I'd egt my validatiuon from other and how they reacted to me.
Recovery taught be that there's an internal validation too, and that there's nothign scary in being by myself
I think being ok with being content is a skill like anything else and the more we practise it the more we become familiar with it, the more it becomes the new default.
You have a great head start
D
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