I'm not gonna make it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
I'm not gonna make it!
I've given it everything I've got!!
I'm lying here unable to swallow
In excruciating pain!!
Just pouring poison down my neck!!
I love and believe in God! I pray to God everyday and I try my best I really do but it doesn't stop. The mental/emotional turmoil won't respond to recovery!!
I'm really really scared!
I'm lying here unable to swallow
In excruciating pain!!
Just pouring poison down my neck!!
I love and believe in God! I pray to God everyday and I try my best I really do but it doesn't stop. The mental/emotional turmoil won't respond to recovery!!
I'm really really scared!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Originally Posted by Ghoster18 
I try my best I really do but it doesn't stop.
Or just sitting there hoping it goes away on its own while you keep choosing to drink?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Ghoster18
Hello, Ghoster
Are you able to swallow now? Can you take some slow deep breaths? I don't know you, but I believe you when you say you're scared. As you pray for yourself, I will also pray for you. I can hear the suffering in your voice. Please keep praying and God will put the right person in your life at the right time. Your moment of clarity will come and someone will be there for you.
Are you able to swallow now? Can you take some slow deep breaths? I don't know you, but I believe you when you say you're scared. As you pray for yourself, I will also pray for you. I can hear the suffering in your voice. Please keep praying and God will put the right person in your life at the right time. Your moment of clarity will come and someone will be there for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I'm sorry the way is so difficult for you Ghoster.
When you say you've given your all, what does that mean exactly?
what steps did you take before pouring poison down your throat again?
I'm not trying to smack you down - I just think it might be helpful to you to reexamine the steps you take not to drink.
list 'em out and lets take a look
D
When you say you've given your all, what does that mean exactly?
what steps did you take before pouring poison down your throat again?
I'm not trying to smack you down - I just think it might be helpful to you to reexamine the steps you take not to drink.
list 'em out and lets take a look
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
When people respond with love it helps!! Whenever I've been well on here and others are struggling I always respond with strength, support and dignity!! Thank you to the people who have been understanding and supportive!!
It's not more meetings, prayer or Step work that's gonna save my life it's SELF RESPECT!
Doing it because I want to do it because I value myself enough to save my own life no matter What!!
I could waffle on and on but when this obsessive drive kicks in inside my mind the only way out is through self preservation, guts, grit and positively channelled rage!!!
20 years of being a helpless victim resonates powerfully through my subconscious as an adult, if it didn't we could all punch the crap out of our kids suffocate them touch their private parts beat them with wooden coat hangers embarrass them and ridicule and reduce them in public and expect them to flourish and soar as adults! I'm a creative imaginative sensitive soul so for me this legacy of abuse still resonates with profound significance!!! Only Sunday just gone did I cycle to my father's grave sober sit down for an hour cried some spoke to two significantly important people in my life whilst I was there one being my sponsor the other someone who I love very much and I felt at peace!! So WTF happened? I haven't developed the emotional recovery muscle properly!! I'm still a dreamer I don't realise just how sick I am, i enjoy so much the feelings of wellness that I forget what's wrong with me!! Self respect self honesty( big book I know!) Will shatter the illusion that I'm like other non addicted people!! Accept my condition smash denial no matter how subtle respect and value myself and maybe a miracle will come to pass if I allow it! Actions aren't my problem self respect self validation self love is where my rubber hits the road!!!
A miracle will come to pass IF I allow it.
IF IF IF!!!
What's that all about ???
I must think I'm a joke that's how I was treated like a useless joke!!
It's not more meetings, prayer or Step work that's gonna save my life it's SELF RESPECT!
Doing it because I want to do it because I value myself enough to save my own life no matter What!!
I could waffle on and on but when this obsessive drive kicks in inside my mind the only way out is through self preservation, guts, grit and positively channelled rage!!!
20 years of being a helpless victim resonates powerfully through my subconscious as an adult, if it didn't we could all punch the crap out of our kids suffocate them touch their private parts beat them with wooden coat hangers embarrass them and ridicule and reduce them in public and expect them to flourish and soar as adults! I'm a creative imaginative sensitive soul so for me this legacy of abuse still resonates with profound significance!!! Only Sunday just gone did I cycle to my father's grave sober sit down for an hour cried some spoke to two significantly important people in my life whilst I was there one being my sponsor the other someone who I love very much and I felt at peace!! So WTF happened? I haven't developed the emotional recovery muscle properly!! I'm still a dreamer I don't realise just how sick I am, i enjoy so much the feelings of wellness that I forget what's wrong with me!! Self respect self honesty( big book I know!) Will shatter the illusion that I'm like other non addicted people!! Accept my condition smash denial no matter how subtle respect and value myself and maybe a miracle will come to pass if I allow it! Actions aren't my problem self respect self validation self love is where my rubber hits the road!!!
A miracle will come to pass IF I allow it.
IF IF IF!!!
What's that all about ???
I must think I'm a joke that's how I was treated like a useless joke!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Ghoster18
When people respond with love it helps!! Whenever I've been well on here and others are struggling I always respond with strength, support and dignity!! Thank you to the people who have been understanding and supportive!!
It's not more meetings, prayer or Step work that's gonna save my life it's SELF RESPECT!
Doing it because I want to do it because I value myself enough to save my own life no matter What!!
I could waffle on and on but when this obsessive drive kicks in inside my mind the only way out is through self preservation, guts, grit and positively channelled rage!!!
20 years of being a helpless victim resonates powerfully through my subconscious as an adult, if it didn't we could all punch the crap out of our kids suffocate them touch their private parts beat them with wooden coat hangers embarrass them and ridicule and reduce them in public and expect them to flourish and soar as adults! I'm a creative imaginative sensitive soul so for me this legacy of abuse still resonates with profound significance!!! Only Sunday just gone did I cycle to my father's grave sober sit down for an hour cried some spoke to two significantly important people in my life whilst I was there one being my sponsor the other someone who I love very much and I felt at peace!! So WTF happened? I haven't developed the emotional recovery muscle properly!! I'm still a dreamer I don't realise just how sick I am, i enjoy so much the feelings of wellness that I forget what's wrong with me!! Self respect self honesty( big book I know!) Will shatter the illusion that I'm like other non addicted people!! Accept my condition smash denial no matter how subtle respect and value myself and maybe a miracle will come to pass if I allow it! Actions aren't my problem self respect self validation self love is where my rubber hits the road!!!
A miracle will come to pass IF I allow it.
IF IF IF!!!
What's that all about ???
I must think I'm a joke that's how I was treated like a useless joke!!
It's not more meetings, prayer or Step work that's gonna save my life it's SELF RESPECT!
Doing it because I want to do it because I value myself enough to save my own life no matter What!!
I could waffle on and on but when this obsessive drive kicks in inside my mind the only way out is through self preservation, guts, grit and positively channelled rage!!!
20 years of being a helpless victim resonates powerfully through my subconscious as an adult, if it didn't we could all punch the crap out of our kids suffocate them touch their private parts beat them with wooden coat hangers embarrass them and ridicule and reduce them in public and expect them to flourish and soar as adults! I'm a creative imaginative sensitive soul so for me this legacy of abuse still resonates with profound significance!!! Only Sunday just gone did I cycle to my father's grave sober sit down for an hour cried some spoke to two significantly important people in my life whilst I was there one being my sponsor the other someone who I love very much and I felt at peace!! So WTF happened? I haven't developed the emotional recovery muscle properly!! I'm still a dreamer I don't realise just how sick I am, i enjoy so much the feelings of wellness that I forget what's wrong with me!! Self respect self honesty( big book I know!) Will shatter the illusion that I'm like other non addicted people!! Accept my condition smash denial no matter how subtle respect and value myself and maybe a miracle will come to pass if I allow it! Actions aren't my problem self respect self validation self love is where my rubber hits the road!!!
A miracle will come to pass IF I allow it.
IF IF IF!!!
What's that all about ???
I must think I'm a joke that's how I was treated like a useless joke!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I'm sorry you have long standing pain Ghoster.
A lot of us have that pain.
A lot of us started drinking to deal with that pain, and we all found that drinking didn't kill the pain but we got hooked on drinking (or other addictions) anyway.
A lot of us used the 'If you had my life you'd drink too' rationale.
Some of us used the 'I'm too sensitive to be sober in this evil world' excuse too.
Some used it subconsciously, some not.
All I know is the only way I could ever actually come to grips with the bad things that happened to me way back was to stay sober and free of addiction.
The only way I could find my way to happiness was to stay sober and free of addiction.
The only way I could change was to be brutally honest with myself and admit that more change more effort was needed.
No one says its easy. But is possible.
If you're still drinking obviously there;s something wrong with your plan.
Thats not a judgement it's a fact.
If you don't want help with that today, it's fine - but don't take it out on the folks here cos thats not fair.
D
A lot of us have that pain.
A lot of us started drinking to deal with that pain, and we all found that drinking didn't kill the pain but we got hooked on drinking (or other addictions) anyway.
A lot of us used the 'If you had my life you'd drink too' rationale.
Some of us used the 'I'm too sensitive to be sober in this evil world' excuse too.
Some used it subconsciously, some not.
All I know is the only way I could ever actually come to grips with the bad things that happened to me way back was to stay sober and free of addiction.
The only way I could find my way to happiness was to stay sober and free of addiction.
The only way I could change was to be brutally honest with myself and admit that more change more effort was needed.
No one says its easy. But is possible.
If you're still drinking obviously there;s something wrong with your plan.
Thats not a judgement it's a fact.
If you don't want help with that today, it's fine - but don't take it out on the folks here cos thats not fair.
D
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Pour away whatever poison you have left and take an honest step to finding that dignity and self respect. You are very capable of doing that.
I hope you make the right decisions.
Stop pouring poison.
Love to you.
I hope you make the right decisions.
Stop pouring poison.
Love to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
I'm not taking anything out on folks here!!
99% of folks who contribute do inspire me
Tough love is welcome on my threads!!
I just cannot do flimsy fluff!!
I need mirrors coming back and like I said the majority are inspiring me!!
My perfectionist traits certainly hinder my renewal!!
Prolonged adolescence yeah, attachment to SELF soothing which in reality doesn't soothe at all!!
I have to let go of it
Can I... well yes I can!
Will I??
It's up to me!!
Like it's up to all of you too!!
I'm an internalizer
Polite well mannered helpful kind of guy!!
But I'm actually full of toxic violent emotions!!
I'm the problem for sure I do get that!!
Goodnight it's 3-15 am here!!
I have to put recovery as NO 1 priority now above everything!
I need to look at where I went or keep going wrong and sort that issue out!!
The man inside is responsible for The quote DR!!
SELF RESPECT!! IT WAS MY MUM LAST WEEK THAT SAID TO ME - SELF ESTEEM COMES FROM EXTERNALS
SELF RESPECT COMES FROM WITHIN!! I NEED TO REALLY HAMMER THAT GONG!!
99% of folks who contribute do inspire me
Tough love is welcome on my threads!!
I just cannot do flimsy fluff!!
I need mirrors coming back and like I said the majority are inspiring me!!
My perfectionist traits certainly hinder my renewal!!
Prolonged adolescence yeah, attachment to SELF soothing which in reality doesn't soothe at all!!
I have to let go of it
Can I... well yes I can!
Will I??
It's up to me!!
Like it's up to all of you too!!
I'm an internalizer
Polite well mannered helpful kind of guy!!
But I'm actually full of toxic violent emotions!!
I'm the problem for sure I do get that!!
Goodnight it's 3-15 am here!!
I have to put recovery as NO 1 priority now above everything!
I need to look at where I went or keep going wrong and sort that issue out!!
The man inside is responsible for The quote DR!!
SELF RESPECT!! IT WAS MY MUM LAST WEEK THAT SAID TO ME - SELF ESTEEM COMES FROM EXTERNALS
SELF RESPECT COMES FROM WITHIN!! I NEED TO REALLY HAMMER THAT GONG!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
"! Actions aren't my problem self respect self validation self love is where my rubber hits the road!!!"
Ghoster, i'm thinking this is backwards.
that self respect and such come as a result of actions. the cart and the horse.
make sense?
Ghoster, i'm thinking this is backwards.
that self respect and such come as a result of actions. the cart and the horse.
make sense?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Alcohol still here it's a pathetic wrestling match with an invisible opponent!!
The craving.... yuk!!
Cart before the horse... Yeah but surely the motivation to take the action has to be driven by a want to survive!!
I'm too scared to commit suicide I'm way too analytical!! I will strip down every last part of the process and just over think it!!
I'm just tired!!!
The craving.... yuk!!
Cart before the horse... Yeah but surely the motivation to take the action has to be driven by a want to survive!!
I'm too scared to commit suicide I'm way too analytical!! I will strip down every last part of the process and just over think it!!
I'm just tired!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
[QUOTE=Forward12;6890462]What have you been doing so far? Daily AA meetings? Seeing an addiction therapist? Going to another recovery group? Looked into inpatient or IOP rehab?
Or just sitting there hoping it goes away on its own while you choose to drink.
Choice??
Or just sitting there hoping it goes away on its own while you choose to drink.
Choice??
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
For what its worth I don't think self esteem comes from externals - it's an inside job too.
If you feel good about the way you live your life your behaviour will reflect that...
if not...
my advice is to get your head down now, get some kip and wake up ready for change tomorrow.
Do some serious thinking about who you want to be and what it's going to take to get yourself there, man.
If you feel good about the way you live your life your behaviour will reflect that...
if not...
my advice is to get your head down now, get some kip and wake up ready for change tomorrow.
Do some serious thinking about who you want to be and what it's going to take to get yourself there, man.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Originally Posted by Forward12
What have you been doing so far? Daily AA meetings? Seeing an addiction therapist? Going to another recovery group? Looked into inpatient or IOP rehab?
Or just sitting there hoping it goes away on its own while you choose to drink.
Choice??
Or just sitting there hoping it goes away on its own while you choose to drink.
Choice??
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