esymarieb

Hi, I'm new to this site. I've had a problem with alcohol for years and up until the beginning of 2015 I had nearly 5 years sober and then spectacularly fell off the waggon due to personal problems. Since then I have struggled to remain sober, I kept managing a while - a week or maybe even 2. But that is getting less and less and I end up drinking more and more.

I feel hopeless and out of control. No-one knows about my problem, I am drinking vodka to hide the smell and now drink up to a bottle of vodka a day - more than I did when I first quit in 2010. When I manage to stop for a couple of days I get sweats and shakes. I never had that last time. I have had days where I just haven't gone to work and stayed in bed drinking from early morning right through. I have been sick - heaving, violently sick to the extent I've burst blood vessels in my eyes.

My work is suffering but I just don't care. I don't want to do anything else but drink. I feel it won't be long before I am found out at work and will end up in trouble.

When I manage to stop I feel depressed. I feel life isn't worth living. I don't know how drinking got to this, I used to enjoy life but I don't now and I am now starting to think "what's the point?"

Yeah I know - just don't have that first drink. But I feel I've totally lost my willpower, I am very depressed and low and struggling to make any change in my life.

Any advice would be appreciated. This site is so big too - anything you would recommend I read? Thank you,

thomas11

I recommend reading many many posts in the forum you are currently in. Power in numbers, many people are in the same boat. You've had extended periods of sobriety so you know what it takes. If you feel you can't stop on your own, maybe committing yourself to inpatient would save you. I wish you the best.

Bird615

Welcome to SR, esymarieb!

I was the same way. I couldn't keep on drinking anymore, but didn't know how to live without it.

Since I couldn't stop on my own, I got help, and this is a great place to start so you can find out how to stop successfully.

Life really can be enjoyable again if you're willing to put in the time and effort.

joandmelandhan

esymarieb I feel like your situation right now is very similar to how I was. Like I was at the edge of a cliff and knowing the chances of everything falling apart were growing by the day.
If you've had 5 years before I would assume that you are experiencing some of the progressive nature of this thing. An innocent onlooker may say "you've done it before just do that again". Not so easy. In some ways having experience of sobriety and facing more difficulties may indeed make you feel more trapped. Like as if everything you did before simply won't work again.
But you can't go on as you are.
Your perspective is clouded by the alcohol in your system. It's a depressive and has drained all of your self-belief.
I can't exactly advise (I have 9 months sober) but share what I did and that was simply submit to the fact that alcohol was deadly dangerous for me and I couldn't take another sip. So I figuratively crawled on my hands and knees through those torturous first few minutes, hours, days, weeks and here I now am.
You DO know that not taking that first drink is the way. It's gonna hurt. Hours will feel like weeks. You will experience cravings which will feel impossible to ignore but ignore them you must.
I believe finding SR saved my life. It can absolutely be the same for you. Yes read around the newcomers section and also check out the Class of May 2018 and the 24 hour thread. There is so much to learn and heaps of support. If I would say anything it is please use this site as often as you need to even if you feel like you are posting too much. There is kindness here like I simply cannot find in my real life.
Take care xxx

lessgravity

Esy, welcome. I too ended up just like you this past year, even with vodka being my choice of poison. Hiding, lying, hurting myself and everyone close to me.

Came very close to losing somethings that I may not have been able to get back.

But SR, along other resources, have righted my ship.

Have you tried AA? I've been here and there, people here find it very helpful.

Just reading this forum can be of incredible help.

lessgravity

How are you today Esy?

Dee74

Welcome to SR esymarieb

Coming to SR was a great watershed for me. I finally got some traction thanks to the support and advice and understanding I found here.

I know you'll find the same

D

Verdantia

Welcome, esymarieb. I'm very glad you are here.
There is a phenomena called kindling, where each time you quit is exponentially harder than the last. It's happened to me--first time I quit it wasn't so bad, just minor discomfort. I started in again after 15 years sober and when I quit again 6 years later it was a different story. I had full-blown alcoholic hallucinosis and seizures. I had not yet learned my lesson even after all that Hell and after 4 years while in a deep depression drank again. That ONE day of drinking ended with a drunken suicide attempt and a wrecked car. I would say kindling is a real thing. Now I have 29 months of sobriety and a solid plan to keep it that way, along with the help of the wonderful people here at SR.
I wish you all the best on your sober journey--- I hope you stick around and post often.

Hevyn

Hi esymarieb - it's so good to have you with us. The encouragement & friendship here helped me stop after 30 yrs. of drinking.

I had 3 yrs. sober once & went back out - it was very hard to regain my sobriety. That's when I found SR. Not feeling alone any more really saved the day. No one else in my life understood what I was going through. After a couple false starts I got free & began to heal again. I can't go back there - it could never be worth it to 'test the waters'.

Reading other's experiences & seeing the chaos that drinking causes - that helps me stay free of it. Also, I know I'd never make it out of another binge. I was that far gone. You can do this, esy.

Anna

Welcome, and you will find lots of support here.

It's good to remember that alcohol is a depressant, and it's normal to feel depressed when you stop drinking. It may take a few weeks before those feelings go away.

Highercall

Welcome I'm glad your here. I can relate to bloodshot eyes through vomitting in fact I burst a lot of blood vessels in my face also.
1. See your doctor and decide how your going to detox st home 🏡 or hospital.
2. Detox.
3. Get as much support as you can to stay sober.

I wish you all the best x

5upersonic

My advice is simply keep reading and posting.

Welcome to SR.

Buckley3

No, seriously, don't drink. Keep it that simple. You need a good 3-4 days just to let your body clean the crap out and let your brain de-mush. But the ONLY way forward is to not drink today. You don't need to worry 'bout anything else right now.

Don't drink. Let your worries about everything else wait for a couple of days. You'll deal with it in time, but do not underestimate the power and need of being sober for 3-4 days to get some legs under you.


All of it. Er, as much as you can. A great way to kill some time as you get a few days under your belt is just to come here and read people's stories (you'll find you aren't alone or a freak or anything like that,) you'll read about people who have cleaned up crazy wreckage and live very satisfied lives, you'll read about the real nature of alcoholism so you can reflect on your own situation....

Just click around. Spend time here. Post a lot if you feel like it. Before you know it 3-4 days will have passed and you'll feel a LOT better about taking the next steps.

O, and in the meantime get some ice cream or some other means of treating yourself. You've made an awesome decision to get sober. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

B

esymarieb

Thank you for all who responded. Your comments have been really helpful. I've spent a lot of time lurking around this site and for the first time I feel a flicker of hope. I don't know why, maybe it's just reminding myself of the fellow sufferers out there and all that they have achieved. Maybe it's the sense of support that has come through in your comments. Maybe it's just reminding myself that it can be done and it does get better. Though why I choose to remain in this awful state is a mystery - I don't even like vodka all that much and it's just about ruined any soft drink I ever liked as I hide it in whatever I'm drinking. As for other drinks, I've lost the taste for them as well when I get the opportunity to drink them (as everyone still believes I'm sober). But still I keep going, hating myself every step of the way, feeling lost and miserable.

Maybe I CAN get my life back, I did have a good one in those nearly 5 years of sobriety. So tomorrow I will start. I am resolved. Day 1 will begin. Again.

esymarieb

Well here I am - it's 9pm my time and that makes it time that I should be well into the drinking session. I felt really good today, happy I'd made the decision that today was day 1. Now it's evening it's harder. The little voice is saying "why not start tomorrow". I've listened to that voice many times before and it lies and deceives. Why on earth do I even want to drink anyway? I hate it. I hate the compulsion, the sweating, the inability to remember, the pains in my side, the loss of all I had built up, the ongoing tiredness and exhaustion.

Aah the battle rages on though....

joandmelandhan

You've made it through though and that is an absolute triumph!
I'd say 9pm is a perfectly reasonable time to get those pjs on, make a nice herbal tea and snuggle down with a good book or a bit of telly.
Congratulations for grabbing your day 1 xxx

Rar

You made it through the day. HURRAY! I also agree that it's a good time to get your PJs on and snuggle down for the night. I've gone to bed sometimes at 6:30-7:00 p.m. when the going got extra tough.

Great job!

esymarieb

Thank you joanmelandhan & Rar. Had the sleepless night and sweats that I knew were coming but I made it! Day 2 now and a beautiful day here. Going to go to work for half a day and then I think come home and have a walk in the beautiful sunshine. I feel good this morning. Need to remember that - it gets tough it then gets better for a bit - I've just got to ride the wave.

joandmelandhan

You know the insomnia and sweats are just part of the process esymarieb.
The sunshine has come out to celebrate your day 2!!!
Keep posting and get as much support as you can.
Why not join us on the 24 hour thread where you can commit to each 24?
Also there is a Class of May 2018 where you can share and support with others committing to sobriety this month.
Every little helps.....xx

Rar

Happy 2nd Day. Think of the sweats as the toxins leaving your body and the other symptoms as your body and brain recovering. You're going to get through this and you ARE going to feel better.

Can you get yourself some chamomile or Sleepytime tea? I drank it even in the daytime when I was extra jittery.