Gardenia123

My boyfriend drinks daily. After work. Beer, then switches to Vodka and OJ. It never interferes with his job. I just think it is exesive because its every day. Anywhere from 6-10 beers then the vodka. Falls asleep immediately when going to bed. All day drinking after noon on weekends. Everything seems to revolve around it. Cannot just have 1-2 beers after work, it continues on. I have talked to him about it and he says he will cut back. Well, he did good for a few days, in front of me. When I wasn't there he was back to his normal routine. With me last night he drank atleast 8 beers. Does he have a problem or am I over reacting.

SparkleKitty

I don't think the question is does he have a problem with his drinking, but rather do YOU have a problem with it?

All I can tell you is that if someone drank that much, that often, I can't imagine how he could be a present or attentive partner in a relationship. You have stated how you feel, he has made a token effort, and then gone right back to where he was before. Is this what you want in a relationship?

Gardenia123

Good question. We went on a 6 day vacation last year to Dominican Republic, and he wouldn't leave the swim up bar. Didn't even walk on the beach with me. I finally just went by myself.

I would like for him to go into outpatient treatment.

Thank you for your input. Makes me really think.

BlownOne

So...you went on vacation to a beautiful place and he wouldn't even walk on the beach with his girlfriend because he'd rather be able to drink? I think that would tell me all I needed to know. Not only about his drinking issue, but also about what kind of person he really is. But that's just me.
Only my opinion , but people who don't have an alcohol problem don't drink 6-10 drinks every day. They just don't.

atalose

Whether or not he’s an alcoholic, you don’t like his drinking and he does, so that is a problem, your problem at this point.

The real question is what does he think of his drinking? Does he see he has a problem? Has he mentioned seeking some kind of treatment or is that the solution to your problem that you would like him to take?

honeypig

But since HE doesn't want to go into outpatient treatment, or make any other changes, at least going by what I see posted here, it seems unlikely that this will happen, right? And unlikely that it would do any good?

I think in the beginning, a lot of us have the impression that "going into treatment" is going to be like having a gall bladder removed or similar medical procedure--the offending body part is removed, fixed, or otherwise addressed, and afterwards all is right w/the world.

Unfortunately addictions don't work that way...

I'd like to suggest that you check into the "stickies" posted at the top of this page. They contain a lot of really useful information about alcoholism. I'd also like to suggest checking out a local Alanon group--Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by another person's alcohol use. I think you fit that qualification!

As another member said, it doesn't seem that HE thinks he has an issue w/alcohol, but definitely YOU do. The question then is not how you can solve HIS problem, but how you can solve YOURS. Hope you keep reading and posting--folks here have been or are now in your shoes, and I've found a lot of education as well as inspiration here. Hope it's the same for you.

Bernadette

I sure hope he left the pool bar to pee!
Inability to hold urine eventually becomes an issue for many men who drink as much as your BF, many of my A brothers' girlfriends found themselves waking up, repeatedly, in wet urine soaked sheets. For some of them that was the wake up call. For some of them, they stuck around until even worse things (than waking up in urine, imagine) happened in their lives and relationship. As my brothers have gotten older and the messes have accumulated and become harder to sweep under the rug their ability to snag a fine gal to cooperate in their charades has diminished.

The only people I've known in my life who drink to the extent you described are serious alcoholics.

I agree with Sparklekitty Is this what you want in a relationship?

You say you want him to go to treatment. I mean, you wanted him to walk on a beautiful warm beach (not a hardship!) and he wouldn't even do that!!

Better to write the list of what you want for YOURSELF, since those are the only things you can make happen. He's a grown man, he knows rehab exists. All A's know rehab exists. None of us on this site have been able to make our A loved ones choose sobriety, or rehab, or anything. Or we wouldn't be here.

Glad you're here. Read up about alcoholism and the progression of the disease and what it does to the loved ones who are enmeshed because they believe the A needs them in order to get better.

Peace,
B.

Raindrops

My husband was a binge drinker . A weekend drinker. Highly functional. A great career. Passed out on weekends. Alcoholism or not, it was a problem. If he's not willing to get help, are you ok with accepting whatever is going on? Go to alanon. Read the posts here. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Hugs

CRRHCC

In my experience, addictions always serve an emotional purpose. Reasons for drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of helplessness (about whatever in my life makes me feel overwhelmingly trapped). What is his reason(s)?

Bernadette

Don't want to hijack this thread from Gardenia123 but CRRHCC asked, What is his reason(s)?

Asking myself to figure out why someone drinks instead of why am I involved in this relationship in this way, kept me sick for long periods of time. Why alcoholics drink is their business, and whatever the reason it doesn't actually help ME to stop engaging in my unhealthy behavior if I know why THEY drink. The essential fact for friends & family is: alcoholics drink, that's what they do.

That's what I learned in AlAnon, all that "thinking about them' and trying to "figure out them" and their problems was making me sick.

I got better when I expended that energy on figuring out ME and what makes me tick and solving my own problems.

Peace,
B.

PeacefulWater12

Hey Gardenia

I learnt in my recovery program that it is about what I feel is a problem or unacceptable behaviour.

Other people will do what they do. So it's about deciding what is ok and is not ok with me. Then taking appropriate action.

Welcome to SR. Sorry for what brings you here.

I found Al-anon an absolute life changer. Maybe you would too.

NYCDoglvr

I call myself an alcoholic (recovering) because I'm incapable of having a drink or two. It's the big difference between alcoholics and non-alcoholics.

CRRHCC

I totally agree with you with respect to the fact that one has to take care of themselves first and foremost. I was hoping that by addressing her question regarding does he have a problem that it would open a dialog for the two of them.

Looking4Clues

Wow this sounds just like my boyfriend! I can't tell you how many beautiful spring days he has passed up the opportunity to do some fun activity with me (pool, beach, hiking, etc.) to stay indoors to drink at the bar or in front of the TV. And it wasn't even that he just wasn't "outdoorsy." That wasn't the problem. Looking back, he didn't like to do anything new or different unless alcohol was involved. "Art galleries are boring ... Oh, it's an event at a gallery and there will be free booze? I guess we could stop and check it out."

Gardenia123

Well I tried to talk to him about it yesterday. And yes you were all right, he’s going to choose alcohol over me. I guess I should’ve known that. Wish me luck in the future. Everyone stay sober.

Leelee168

You’re going to be okay. I know the hurt of coming in, not even a distant second, to alcohol. It sucked every single time it happened. Focus on the future that you want for yourself and make it happen. It’s scary, but it’s good scary. Take care.

FeelingGreat

Lots of early stage As don't realise they're in trouble until they try to cut down. They might succeed for a time, but usually revert back to the old ways, and often some more.
Your AF has realised he can't abstain or moderate so he's left with a decision. He's not at the point where he can imagine not drinking so the next step is to rationalise (plenty worse than me, I work hard etc)and remove any obstacles.
I'm sorry its come to that, but you seem to have it together and know your own mind, so I hope you will eventually think of this as a lucky escape.

EllieJ

So sorry to hear that. As someone else who has recently ended a relationship with an alcoholic, I hope you know you're not alone. You cannot change him - you can only hope one day he decides to change himself. Sending you lots of positive thoughts -