Is he an alcoholic? What did I just live through?

Old 05-08-2018, 11:41 AM
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Is he an alcoholic? What did I just live through?

Sorry in advance for the length. I’m trying to encompass the last 6 months of my life in one post. Feel free to skim/skip over any extraneous details!

Like the username says, I’ve come here looking for clues into my boyfriend’s behavior. We have been together for 6 months, but have known each other for about 5 years since he is a good friend’s older brother. He had been living in a major city out of the area for the past 10 years and just relocated back home to the suburban area we’re all from last September to be closer to family and because he was ready to settle down (he’s 39). He left Wall Street to start his own investment firm here. We’d always had a thing for each other and just “clicked” so after we reconnected one night last fall at his parents’ house (his sister, my friend, was in town visiting with her 2 children) we’ve been pretty much inseparable ever since. He made it very clear from the beginning he’s ready to settle down, wants to do it with me, that I am the girl of his dreams and he can’t believe how lucky he is to have me. He has included me in his family and has made an effort to integrate himself into my family as well. Even though it was only 6 months, I fully thought this was it, he was the One and that we’d be together forever, as we’re both adults, have relationship experience under our belts and know what we want.

I’d known he had a work-hard/play-hard lifestyle before moving back, but I didn’t realize how much of a daily drinker he was until we started dating this past November. I didn’t really notice it at the beginning because it was during the holidays, with what seemed like one social gathering after another (i.e. one excuse to drink after another). There was one instance only about a month into the relationship when he asked me to come over to his place to hang out and spend the night together after a networking event he had to attend. I got to his place around 8:00pm (he’d given me a key a week before this) and he texted me around 9:30 to tell me he was just finishing up, and I expected he would be home within 30 minutes. An hour later, I texted to find out where he was. He answered back to say he and his brother (who is his business partner) went for a quick drink at the hotel bar across from where their event was and would be home soon. Around 12:30, I finally went to bed because I was tired, and expected him to be home shortly. Well, he came stumbling in the door around 2:30am and I heard him pour himself another drink in the kitchen before coming to bed. When he realized I was still awake waiting for him (I was worried), he just said “Oh no, baby! You’re awake?! You’re supposed to be asleep. Oh my God, you deserve so much better than this.” I had never seen him that wasted before - severe, slurred speech and all. He was still drunk when we woke up the next morning around 9:00. The rest of that day he kept saying what a loser he felt like and joked that he needed to go to detox b/c of all the martinis they’d drank. Throughout the rest of the holidays, he drank a lot at various parties and gatherings, but never to this extent again so I wrote it off as a one-off.

A few days before New Year’s he said he wanted to stop drinking in 2018 because he’d read about all these famous successful people who have given up alcohol and gone on to do great things (which resonated with him as an entrepreneur) and also because he thought it would help with his severe sleep issues that seem to go in cycles (every month and a half or so he’ll have a week or two where he’s only sleeping like 2 hrs a night). He didn’t mention AA or anything like that, just wanted to try a “Dry January” to see how he felt. I was fully supportive, as I’m not a big drinker myself. He only made it 3 days w/o alcohol before the anxiety, sweats, irritability, cravings and insomnia set in big time. He had me stay with him to keep an eye on him, and half-joked that I might need to take him to the ER if it got really bad. He also had me run to the pharmacy during this time to buy him OTC sleep aids. I even remember thinking as I was walking through Rite Aid, “Wow, I feel like a codependent wife of an addict right now.” I also found out that he has never gone a SINGLE DAY w/o alcohol in the last 10+ years!! How is that even possible? I can’t imagine drinking 365 days a year. What about when you’re sick?? Anyway, on the third day of Dry January, he caved and ordered a glass of wine when we met up with a mutual friend. He then justified it by saying he’d just add a sober day onto February to make up for it. When we got home that night he had 2 more glasses, and Dry January was nothing more than a joke from that point on.

Fast forward over the next 4 months, there was a major shakeup in the stock market in February (he’s a professional trader) and I nearly broke up with him because his moods became so erratic. He was still sweet and loving with me, but a very selfish side of him emerged. It became very much about his needs, his moods, his comfort. I’m deeply in love with him at this point, so this all triggered my preexisting codependency issues, and I stuck it out. His drinking increased as well during this time, and for the most part he’s maintained what I consider to be an excessive drinking schedule - he has at least 3 large glasses of wine every single evening, often more. On weekends he drinks even more - usually a glass or two of wine before we go out, then 3-4 drinks at dinner, and the big thing I’ve noticed is that no matter how much he drinks while he’s out, even if he is legit drunk when he gets home, he ALWAYS pours himself another glass of wine before bed. He regularly goes through 6-8 bottles of red wine a week.

He’s gone MIA on me for nights here and there where he is unreachable and I have no idea where he’s at/what he’s doing. And a few weeks ago he went MIA for an entire weekend - the first time he’s ever done something like that before. He said he was working but I later found out he’d gone binge drinking Saturday night with his brother and another guy and then he was hungover all day Sunday.

Then two weeks ago I suggested we spend the weekend together because we hadn’t had a quality weekend just the two of us in like a month (we’d been doing a lot with each other’s families for Easter, birthdays etc and I wanted some alone time with him). He was all for it, even planned dinner for us Friday and a bike ride on the beach Saturday afternoon. On the bike ride we stopped at a couple places to eat/grab drinks and his mood quickly went from sunny and loving to irritable and as if he didn’t want to be there with me.

When I told him at the end of the day I couldn’t ride my bike anymore and needed to walk it back b/c I’d been drinking and felt dizzy (I have inner ear issues), he got annoyed and told me “that’s ridiculous, you can ride your bike! We’ve both only had like 2 drinks!” The truth was we both had a triple shot margarita and 2 beers over a 4-hour span. I am a very petite woman so that was a lot for me. And when I insisted I couldn’t ride the bike, he got mad again. So I said “fine just go ahead without me then” (obviously not meaning it) and he took off on his bike down the boardwalk! He had the backpack with all our stuff in it so I was without a wallet or phone. For a good 45 Minute’s I couldn’t catch up to him (as I was walking my bike), I couldn’t even see him that’s how far ahead he was. He never once stopped to wait or come back to walk with me/see if I was ok. I felt like I’d literally been abandoned and had absolutely no idea what I’d done wrong. When I reached the end of the boardwalk, he was there on his bike texting or doing something on his phone. I let him know how messed up it was that he left me and so he said that as soon as we got home if I could drive I should just go back to my place because he was no longer having fun. The whole thing was upsetting and bizarre. I started crying and we eventually made up (but he never said sorry) and ended up having a mellow evening at his place together. But obviously I was still thinking “wtf?” He drank about a bottle of wine after we got home (after all the other alcohol that day).

A few days ago, after what I considered a good week following the bike incident, and we seemed to be back to normal, getting along etc, he called me up Saturday morning to tell me not to waste my time coming up that evening because he just needed to do his own thing. He said he’s been wanting to do his own thing for awhile and that he can’t help how he feels. So now we’re not broken up but not talking and my head is spinning. He was so cold on the phone. I asked if we could talk in person because I felt I deserved more than a phone call after 6 months and talking about marriage and he said “why do you think you deserve that?” All the whole his speech was slurred like he’d been drinking. He then agreed to meet but said “I have to do my own thing today though. My brothers coming over and we’re going to watch the game. Let’s meet up tomorrow and we’ll talk about us.”

He texted the next morning to say can we meet Monday instead because he went to hang out with his scumbag buddy who lives an hour away. He hasn’t seen this guy the entire 6 months we’ve been together, but I’ve heard a lot about him. This friend also works in finance, is 43, never married, goes out/sleeps with with sometimes 2 different women a week (usually paid escorts) and is a heavy drinker. I texted him back that day to say I was busy Monday and that he made it clear he didn’t see a point in talking in person anyway, so no need. He hasn’t responded.

I guess I’m wondering - is this guy an alcoholic? Or just someone who likes to drink? How could someone flip like that? How could he be talking about the house we’re going to buy and “our kids” and all that stuff and then a week later say he just wants to do his own thing?

P.S. He never drinks before 4 or 5pm (unless our to lunch at a restaurant) and he doesn’t get violent or have legal troubles and he’s been very successful in his career
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:03 PM
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In my mind his behavior would classify as alcoholic. What would concern me more is that from what you describe, the guy sounds like a class "A" jerk. And that probably doesn't have much to do with the alcoholism IMHO. Do you really want to waste more time figuring this guy out? Because I can almost guarantee that things will not get better with his drinking. They will get worse. You can do better. Just my take. Wishing you well.
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:25 PM
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Hi Looking, I’m sorry for what brings you here. I don’t think this guy sounds like a very good boyfriend/partner, regardless of whether he is or is not alcoholic. I agree with the above poster, you do deserve better than this guy can give you. Hugs.
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:34 PM
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regardless of what label you give him......it is his treatment of you that is at question here. would it somehow be OK for him to play hot and cold/come here go away and all his other stunts if he WAS a bona fide alcoholic?

this is more about you than him. even tho your post was all about him.....look at the woman caught up in that......ask yourself why?
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by BlownOne View Post
In my mind his behavior would classify as alcoholic. What would concern me more is that from what you describe, the guy sounds like a class "A" jerk. And that probably doesn't have much to do with the alcoholism IMHO. Do you really want to waste more time figuring this guy out? Because I can almost guarantee that things will not get better with his drinking. They will get worse. You can do better. Just my take. Wishing you well.

Thank you for your response. I agree I can definitely do better. It’s been difficult because sometimes it feels like I’ve been with two different men, one loving and family-oriented and the other a selfish jerk. I think now I’m wondering moving forward to the future, say in a new relationship if someone has drinking habits like this, would that be a sign to run?
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by kittycat3 View Post
Hi Looking, I’m sorry for what brings you here. I don’t think this guy sounds like a very good boyfriend/partner, regardless of whether he is or is not alcoholic. I agree with the above poster, you do deserve better than this guy can give you. Hugs.

Thank you, Kittycat. I agree I deserve much better than this.
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:37 PM
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6-8 bottles of wine a week is a whole lot of wine. I'd be dead if I drank that much. Not having gone a day without drinking in 10 years is also not a good sign.

What's more important though is his behavior - taking off away from you on the boardwalk and sort-of-but-not-quite breaking up with you on the phone is the behavior of a jerk, whether or not he's drinking. It sounds like he wants out but doesn't want to come right out and make it clear. Only you can decide if the good outweighs the jerk behavior.

Alcohol doesn't turn nice people into mean jerks, and quitting drinking will not necessarily change him into a better person (although it will change him into a healthier one who is less likely to lose his job or crash his car, and who probably smells a bit better).

It sounds like he doesn't intend to quit drinking in any case - maybe he thinks it would be nice as an idea, but it doesn't sound like it's a high priority for him. So if you do decide to stay with him, you're signing up for a situation in which alcohol will most likely always be competing with you for his attention (and winning).

Many people on this board have lived through a version of the theme that high-functioning alcoholics are high-functioning (hold jobs, don't have legal trouble, aren't violent ...) until they aren't. Things can fall apart very quickly and get worse than you can imagine. The downward spiral is a real thing. My ex-husband is currently in a condition I never would have imagined possible ten years ago.

You're only six months into this relationship, so if you choose to you can cut your losses fairly easily. Or you can continue because you think the relationship is worth it, including the alcohol, but with your eyes opened as to what may lie ahead.
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
regardless of what label you give him......it is his treatment of you that is at question here. would it somehow be OK for him to play hot and cold/come here go away and all his other stunts if he WAS a bona fide alcoholic?

this is more about you than him. even tho your post was all about him.....look at the woman caught up in that......ask yourself why?

You are so right! I’ve asked myself that a million times. For my own learning experience though, if a future guy has drinking habits like this, are they signs of a problem? Or was this more a case of him just being a jerk who enjoys drinking?
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
6-8 bottles of wine a week is a whole lot of wine. I'd be dead if I drank that much. Not having gone a day without drinking in 10 years is also not a good sign.

What's more important though is his behavior - taking off away from you on the boardwalk and sort-of-but-not-quite breaking up with you on the phone is the behavior of a jerk, whether or not he's drinking. It sounds like he wants out but doesn't want to come right out and make it clear. Only you can decide if the good outweighs the jerk behavior.

Alcohol doesn't turn nice people into mean jerks, and quitting drinking will not necessarily change him into a better person (although it will change him into a healthier one who is less likely to lose his job or crash his car, and who probably smells a bit better).

It sounds like he doesn't intend to quit drinking in any case - maybe he thinks it would be nice as an idea, but it doesn't sound like it's a high priority for him. So if you do decide to stay with him, you're signing up for a situation in which alcohol will most likely always be competing with you for his attention (and winning).

Many people on this board have lived through a version of the theme that high-functioning alcoholics are high-functioning (hold jobs, don't have legal trouble, aren't violent ...) until they aren't. Things can fall apart very quickly and get worse than you can imagine. The downward spiral is a real thing. My ex-husband is currently in a condition I never would have imagined possible ten years ago.

You're only six months into this relationship, so if you choose to you can cut your losses fairly easily. Or you can continue because you think the relationship is worth it, including the alcohol, but with your eyes opened as to what may lie ahead.
Thank you, Sasha, for your thoughtful response! That’s what I was wondering - does alcoholism cause this behavior or is this just jerk behavior. I love the “good side” of him, but the bad has just gotten to be too much for me. I have no idea what to tell both of our families, but I’m ready to be free of this relationship!
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:47 PM
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A jerk. My husband had all those characteristics that's you mentioned. When I filed for divorce and left I never heard from him. I was married for 5 years. Even if he knows his alcohol caused a lot of problems, he wanted to do nothing about it. It was his way or the highway. Some people in life lack empathy . Some of them are alcoholic, some narcissists and some both. My husband moved on a month after I left. On his hunt for a richer, sexier woman . Your goodness won't matter. Your heart won't matter. He will come back over and over if he's still getting the ego supply from you. Once he knows you've seen through him- it'll be the end. Just concentrate on yourself and you deserve better.
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:49 PM
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Hi Looking forClues, so sorry for what brings you here.

Well, here are the clues:

He had been living in a major city out of the area for the past 10 years and just relocated back home to the suburban area we’re all from last September to be closer to family and because he was ready to settle down (he’s 39).
In alcoholic land this is called doing a geographical. Enough of this drinking (and in this case, time to settle down!). I will change where i'm living and get a fresh start. Problem being at the new area there is alcohol too and the alcoholic wants to drink.


He made it very clear from the beginning he’s ready to settle down, wants to do it with me, that I am the girl of his dreams and he can’t believe how lucky he is to have me.
This may well be true but unless you are willing to accept his drinking, it doesn't quite work.

Well, he came stumbling in the door around 2:30am and I heard him pour himself another drink in the kitchen before coming to bed. When he realized I was still awake waiting for him (I was worried), he just said “Oh no, baby! You’re awake?! You’re supposed to be asleep. Oh my God, you deserve so much better than this.”
And you do.

This is shoddy treatment, you do deserve better.

just wanted to try a “Dry January” to see how he felt. I was fully supportive, as I’m not a big drinker myself. He only made it 3 days w/o alcohol before the anxiety, sweats, irritability, cravings and insomnia set in big time. He had me stay with him to keep an eye on him, and half-joked that I might need to take him to the ER if it got really bad.
That actually wasn't a joke at all. Alcohol withdrawal is a serious business. The fact that he goes through withdrawal when he doesn't drink would indicate that he is addicted and an alcoholic, which he already knows.


He was still sweet and loving with me, but a very selfish side of him emerged. It became very much about his needs, his moods, his comfort.
How is it sweet and loving to be so selfish?

He said he was working but I later found out he’d gone binge drinking Saturday night with his brother and another guy and then he was hungover all day Sunday.
So lies as well.

On the bike ride we stopped at a couple places to eat/grab drinks and his mood quickly went from sunny and loving to irritable and as if he didn’t want to be there with me.
Alcoholics don't like to stop drinking once they have started.


he called me up Saturday morning to tell me not to waste my time coming up that evening because he just needed to do his own thing. He said he’s been wanting to do his own thing for awhile and that he can’t help how he feels
Translation: He wants to drink without feeling inhibited by having someone watch him drink that might judge him.

He texted the next morning to say can we meet Monday instead because he went to hang out with his scumbag buddy who lives an hour away. He hasn’t seen this guy the entire 6 months we’ve been together
Do you see a progression here since you met him? Sounds like he is just going back to what were probably his "old ways" which he was going to throw aside for his fresh start.

I guess I’m wondering - is this guy an alcoholic? Or just someone who likes to drink? How could someone flip like that? How could he be talking about the house we’re going to buy and “our kids” and all that stuff and then a week later say he just wants to do his own thing?
I would recommend you read up on alcoholism and get as much knowledge as you can.

P.S. He never drinks before 4 or 5pm (unless our to lunch at a restaurant) and he doesn’t get violent or have legal troubles and he’s been very successful in his career
This really doesn't mean anything. Alcoholism is progressive, he hasn't had any of these issues YET. Maybe he never will, maybe he's good at avoiding trouble, even when drunk. You don't have to be violent to be an alcoholic, violence is a separate issue. Don't have to live under a bridge or get DUIs.
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Old 05-08-2018, 01:17 PM
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Or was this more a case of him just being a jerk who enjoys drinking?

that's actually a key insight....

is he a jerk WHEN he drinks or
is he a jerk who also drinks

thing is, until they sober up for a good solid 6 months to a year, AT LEAST, it will be hard to know what they are really like.

in the meanwhile, jerk behavior is STILL jerk behavior, regardless of the cause. and we don't have to put up with it just to get to the occasional "good stuff" - meaning they are sober, coherent and didn't call us a b!tch all day.

if you meet them in a bar, or at a party, it's possible they drink more than just occasionally. if on the first, second and third dates they drink, and possibly to excess, it's possible they drink more than once in a while. if they have a drink in hand as often as the TV remote......well you see where this is going.
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Old 05-08-2018, 02:17 PM
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Raindrops, thank you for your insight and sharing your experience. I have definitely thought many times lately about his lack of empathy. Empathy plays such a huge part in the way a person treats others, and I'm not sure my guy has what it takes to be the kind of husband and father I see myself with longterm.
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Old 05-08-2018, 02:29 PM
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Thank you so much for your response, Trailmix. This is very helpful for me to read as I begin to detach from this relationship and look at it objectively. He’s obviously been a big jerk at times, but this provides a bit of clarity for me regarding some of his odd behaviors, especially the part about him wanting to drink freely without me judging him. I was very confused by what he meant when he said he just wanted to do his “own thing” and that makes perfect sense. Can you recommend any specific reading material about alcoholism that would be helpful?
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Old 05-08-2018, 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
Or was this more a case of him just being a jerk who enjoys drinking?

that's actually a key insight....

is he a jerk WHEN he drinks or
is he a jerk who also drinks

thing is, until they sober up for a good solid 6 months to a year, AT LEAST, it will be hard to know what they are really like.

in the meanwhile, jerk behavior is STILL jerk behavior, regardless of the cause. and we don't have to put up with it just to get to the occasional "good stuff" - meaning they are sober, coherent and didn't call us a b!tch all day.

if you meet them in a bar, or at a party, it's possible they drink more than just occasionally. if on the first, second and third dates they drink, and possibly to excess, it's possible they drink more than once in a while. if they have a drink in hand as often as the TV remote......well you see where this is going.

AnvilheadII- he displayed ALL of the behaviors you mention in the last paragraph 🙈! Live and learn I guess, right?
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Old 05-08-2018, 03:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues View Post
Can you recommend any specific reading material about alcoholism that would be helpful?
You're welcome and absolutely. A good place to start is right here at SR, lots of information has been compiled in the "stickies" area at the top of each forum.

The classic reading sticky at the top of this forum has a wealth of information:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 05-08-2018, 03:46 PM
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Looking4Cllues....I am delighted that you are asking for reading material...lol! Because, that indicated, to me, that you are interested in looking out for your own welfare and are interested I n learning....

fortu nately, for you, we have an extensive library on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....a lot of them--about 100. Enough for you to read and digest o ne article every single day.....There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.
Here is the link to our library (also known as the stickies..at the top of the threads)....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

You, also, might get value from reading the following book on how alcohol affects the brain.....(and, thus, behaviors)....
"The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar. You can get it on amazon.com. Cheaper, if you get a used one.....
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Old 05-08-2018, 06:30 PM
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Thank you all for the advice and resources!

My biggest hurdle now is how do I move on from this? We still haven’t spoken but I know this relationship is all but over. Even though I know he’s treated me poorly, how do I not miss the good times (there were so many, even though it might not sound like it!)? What if the “good guy” side was the REAL him and he just didn’t think I was “enough” to be that for all the time? What if he was just a jerk/drank because he was bored with me and wanted out but felt too bad to say it?

I realize this probably sounds irrational, but it’s where I’m at emotionally right now ...
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Old 05-08-2018, 08:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues View Post
Thank you all for the advice and resources!

My biggest hurdle now is how do I move on from this? We still haven’t spoken but I know this relationship is all but over. Even though I know he’s treated me poorly, how do I not miss the good times (there were so many, even though it might not sound like it!)? What if the “good guy” side was the REAL him and he just didn’t think I was “enough” to be that for all the time? What if he was just a jerk/drank because he was bored with me and wanted out but felt too bad to say it?

I realize this probably sounds irrational, but it’s where I’m at emotionally right now ...
This is such a painful thing to experience Looking. Whatever he is or whatever he does is not as important as what are the next steps you need to take.

Most of us around here consider Codependent No More a bit of a bible. also many have found Alanon to be helpful. You may not fit in entirely with Alanon but it still can have some helpful information.

Please know that what you are going through is excruciating and so take care of yourself and get all the help you can.

Peace and healing to you.
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Old 05-08-2018, 08:45 PM
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It sounds rationally irrational. It doesn't have to make sense, I get it. If you read more threads here in the family and friends forum you will see that this is not all that unusual.

People stay with a spouse or partner for years and it might not be a good relationship, however that doesn't mean there are no good times and that the person doesn't have some merit.

It's going to take time but the first thing I would do is make a list of every terrible thing he ever said or did. Whenever you feel yourself missing him, drag that list out and read it (if that is 10 times a day to start, so be it!).

Originally Posted by Looking4Clues View Post
What if the “good guy” side was the REAL him and he just didn’t think I was “enough” to be that for all the time?
Be that for all the time? If he was a good guy he wouldn't be making up some fake persona to present to you. I'm not saying he was, I don't know him but I think we have established he has a drinking problem. He was not forthright with you about that - THAT is an issue, him not being a fake "good guy" isn't an issue here in my opinion. Please let me know if i'm misunderstanding you.


What if he was just a jerk/drank because he was bored with me and wanted out but felt too bad to say it?
Your self esteem is really low right now, based on this comment. This is a pretty big leap to take. He didn't just get drunk one night and break up, he has a pattern of drinking, a well worn pattern. His long time friends and family probably know this as well but they aren't talking about it, for whatever reason. Probably hoping that this time he will change.

Keep reading others stories/threads here in the family and friends forum. While their story may not be your story, you will no doubt see bits and pieces that resonate with you. Understanding alcoholism will help you in that you will start to see some patterns.
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