Why did I do this to myself?
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Why did I do this to myself?
I was doing great sober both my husband and I quit drinking about a year ago, but I was buying snacks last week, which is the same aisle as the booze and for some stupid reason I bought two bottles of wine. For old time’s sake I suppose but not making excuses I feel like such a horrible person right now. And I drank both bottles Saturday night, I think my reasoning was I didn’t want my husband to find them so I polished them both off quickly.... and my husband said I reek of wine, asked where was I hiding it. I denied having any so he goes the the bedroom closet and throws everything all over the bedroom and finds the two empty bottles in the bottom of a tote, I hid them there intending to throw them out on trash day so my husband wouldn’t see them in the trash bin. He was so upset with me drinking and lying about it, I slept all day Sunday and vaguely recall my husband dropping me off at the ER on Monday, I couldn’t keep down any food or liquid since I had the wine and then he refused to pick me up from there so I had to get a taxi to bring me home this morning. I knew my husband would be furious and I didn’t even enjoy drinking it. Why did I do this to myself?
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Oh, Katzen! I'm so sorry you relapsed. You did it because you're an alcoholic. Don't waste any more time asking why. How will you get back on track? What does your husband say? If he quit with you and he's still sober, he should understand even if he's mad at you now.
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Read some of your old posts Katz, I think you know that the question is not "why" you drank but "how".
Who cares why? There are a million reasons, which are just AV talk.
The better question is how. And how are you not going to again?
Who cares why? There are a million reasons, which are just AV talk.
The better question is how. And how are you not going to again?
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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It happens. The big book of AA talks about those moments where all reason and past experience goes out of the window. They will always happen again unless you work a program to help you remove the drink problem. Put sobriety at No1 priority in your life; do everything you can to stay sober. Have a contingency plan for when those moments crop up. A sober happy amazing life is possible if you work fir it and do the right things. Somebody once told me “consequences don’t keep us clean.”
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Originally Posted by ProfessorD 
Oh, Katzen! I'm so sorry you relapsed. You did it because you're an alcoholic. Don't waste any more time asking why. How will you get back on track? What does your husband say? If he quit with you and he's still sober, he should understand even if he's mad at you now.
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You were asking the same questions WHY about your drinking almost two years ago on this same site. Framing your problem with alcohol that way hasn't served you since then.
Why do you think you need to answer that question now?
The better one is, how will you stop?
Why do you think you need to answer that question now?
The better one is, how will you stop?
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Originally Posted by brighterday1234
It happens. The big book of AA talks about those moments where all reason and past experience goes out of the window. They will always happen again unless you work a program to help you remove the drink problem. Put sobriety at No1 priority in your life; do everything you can to stay sober. Have a contingency plan for when those moments crop up. A sober happy amazing life is possible if you work fir it and do the right things. Somebody once told me “consequences don’t keep us clean.”
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Why do you think the lying part hurt your husband so much? You might ask him, or think about what the lie means in the larger context of your marriage. Are you honest about everything else? I wonder if your drinking and lying may have triggered him. Give him space, then have a long discussion. You can work this out if you're honest and communicate. And whatever you do, don't drink again!
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which is the same aisle as the booze and for some stupid reason I bought two bottles of wine
chances are that was not the first moment you thought about wine, buying wine or drinking wine. rarely does a relapse happen in 5 seconds....there is usually a build up of some sort. some restlessness or discontent within us. or conversely, become too complacent or cocky in our attitude towards sobriety.
while we often suggest to play the tape forward when thinking about drinking, i think it can serve us well to play the tape backwards after a relapse event.
at some point you renegotiated your commitment to sobriety. you said it would be ok, you'd GET AWAY WITH IT, no one would find out, no harm no foul. that is an illusion many addicts fall for.....
chances are that was not the first moment you thought about wine, buying wine or drinking wine. rarely does a relapse happen in 5 seconds....there is usually a build up of some sort. some restlessness or discontent within us. or conversely, become too complacent or cocky in our attitude towards sobriety.
while we often suggest to play the tape forward when thinking about drinking, i think it can serve us well to play the tape backwards after a relapse event.
at some point you renegotiated your commitment to sobriety. you said it would be ok, you'd GET AWAY WITH IT, no one would find out, no harm no foul. that is an illusion many addicts fall for.....
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Hello, Katzen.
On page 44 of the Book Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it says, "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer."
I remember getting off a plane and my husband and two little boys meeting me. We were going to take them to their first live baseball game. I had been drunk all weekend and was hung over. When I stepped off the plane and saw my little boys with their little baseball gloves in their hands and their little eyes shining, I felt like the lowest of lows. The reason I felt that way was because I was. I am grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. I've earned back their respect and they love me so much. As a practicing alcoholic, alcohol took precedence over my home, husband, children. It stripped me of my dignity, my self-respect, my inability to tell the truth. Little by little, it took away everything good in my life. Alcoholism is a selfish and self-centered disease. I doubt my children even knew I had been drunk all weekend but their daddy sure did. He looked at me and said, "You're disgusting." Oh, the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization we suffer with this disease.
I don't know your background, but if you haven't attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, you should give it a try. I have 20 years of continuous sobriety, and for that I am grateful. I also don't know where you're from, but they have some great ladies meetings in most cities. If you decide to attend, you're going to find ladies just like you who have done some of the same things you've done and much, much worse. They will support you in your sobriety. Thank you.
On page 44 of the Book Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it says, "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer."
I remember getting off a plane and my husband and two little boys meeting me. We were going to take them to their first live baseball game. I had been drunk all weekend and was hung over. When I stepped off the plane and saw my little boys with their little baseball gloves in their hands and their little eyes shining, I felt like the lowest of lows. The reason I felt that way was because I was. I am grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. I've earned back their respect and they love me so much. As a practicing alcoholic, alcohol took precedence over my home, husband, children. It stripped me of my dignity, my self-respect, my inability to tell the truth. Little by little, it took away everything good in my life. Alcoholism is a selfish and self-centered disease. I doubt my children even knew I had been drunk all weekend but their daddy sure did. He looked at me and said, "You're disgusting." Oh, the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization we suffer with this disease.
I don't know your background, but if you haven't attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, you should give it a try. I have 20 years of continuous sobriety, and for that I am grateful. I also don't know where you're from, but they have some great ladies meetings in most cities. If you decide to attend, you're going to find ladies just like you who have done some of the same things you've done and much, much worse. They will support you in your sobriety. Thank you.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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For me, there is usually a build up to a relapse. Not always but certainly most of the time. I don't know if thats the case for you but maybe journalling could help you track your thought process.
I am sorry you are feeling so ashamed and wretched....I get that too when I drink and it is awful. But its not very useful.....ultimately those feelings are a dead end in terms of recovery I think.
I know its soul destroying to relapse BUT it is one day in a year. It is not a catastrophe. You can start again.
I am sorry you are feeling so ashamed and wretched....I get that too when I drink and it is awful. But its not very useful.....ultimately those feelings are a dead end in terms of recovery I think.
I know its soul destroying to relapse BUT it is one day in a year. It is not a catastrophe. You can start again.
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With alcoholism it's not the why it's the what.
If we ask "why," we are basically seeking a way to stay drinking. If we know why then we can fix it, right? Except we cant, when we are alcoholics.
alcoholics have two roads: keep drinking and lose everything, or get sober and get your life back.
Accept the what! The what never changes....after that long period of sobriety you went immediately back because you are an alcoholic, and any thought of a nice glass of wine is a lie, even after a year or 30 years, because your brain's response to alcohol will not change.
If we ask "why," we are basically seeking a way to stay drinking. If we know why then we can fix it, right? Except we cant, when we are alcoholics.
alcoholics have two roads: keep drinking and lose everything, or get sober and get your life back.
Accept the what! The what never changes....after that long period of sobriety you went immediately back because you are an alcoholic, and any thought of a nice glass of wine is a lie, even after a year or 30 years, because your brain's response to alcohol will not change.
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Originally Posted by ProfessorD
Why do you think the lying part hurt your husband so much? You might ask him, or think about what the lie means in the larger context of your marriage. Are you honest about everything else? I wonder if your drinking and lying may have triggered him. Give him space, then have a long discussion. You can work this out if you're honest and communicate. And whatever you do, don't drink again!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Originally Posted by djlook
Hello, Katzen.
On page 44 of the Book Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it says, "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer."
I remember getting off a plane and my husband and two little boys meeting me. We were going to take them to their first live baseball game. I had been drunk all weekend and was hung over. When I stepped off the plane and saw my little boys with their little baseball gloves in their hands and their little eyes shining, I felt like the lowest of lows. The reason I felt that way was because I was. I am grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. I've earned back their respect and they love me so much. As a practicing alcoholic, alcohol took precedence over my home, husband, children. It stripped me of my dignity, my self-respect, my inability to tell the truth. Little by little, it took away everything good in my life. Alcoholism is a selfish and self-centered disease. I doubt my children even knew I had been drunk all weekend but their daddy sure did. He looked at me and said, "You're disgusting." Oh, the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization we suffer with this disease.
I don't know your background, but if you haven't attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, you should give it a try. I have 20 years of continuous sobriety, and for that I am grateful. I also don't know where you're from, but they have some great ladies meetings in most cities. If you decide to attend, you're going to find ladies just like you who have done some of the same things you've done and much, much worse. They will support you in your sobriety. Thank you.
On page 44 of the Book Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it says, "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer."
I remember getting off a plane and my husband and two little boys meeting me. We were going to take them to their first live baseball game. I had been drunk all weekend and was hung over. When I stepped off the plane and saw my little boys with their little baseball gloves in their hands and their little eyes shining, I felt like the lowest of lows. The reason I felt that way was because I was. I am grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. I've earned back their respect and they love me so much. As a practicing alcoholic, alcohol took precedence over my home, husband, children. It stripped me of my dignity, my self-respect, my inability to tell the truth. Little by little, it took away everything good in my life. Alcoholism is a selfish and self-centered disease. I doubt my children even knew I had been drunk all weekend but their daddy sure did. He looked at me and said, "You're disgusting." Oh, the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization we suffer with this disease.
I don't know your background, but if you haven't attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, you should give it a try. I have 20 years of continuous sobriety, and for that I am grateful. I also don't know where you're from, but they have some great ladies meetings in most cities. If you decide to attend, you're going to find ladies just like you who have done some of the same things you've done and much, much worse. They will support you in your sobriety. Thank you.
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Katzen - I never knew why I did it either. Still don't. Yet I allowed it to cause so much hurt & pain - for many years. As you said, you didn't even enjoy it. It's a soul crushing waste of time. Maybe you're ready to stay free of it.
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You are certainly picking and choosing what posts to respond to.
But maybe that's why you are where are you still - you are still asking the wrong questions. You are still asking "why". Recipe for nothing good.
But maybe that's why you are where are you still - you are still asking the wrong questions. You are still asking "why". Recipe for nothing good.
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. and my husband said I reek of wine, asked where was I hiding it. I denied having any so he goes the the bedroom closet and throws everything all over the bedroom and finds the two empty bottles in the bottom of a tote, I hid them there intending to throw them out on trash day so my husband wouldn’t see them in the trash bin.
you lived through my biggest fear. I did the exact same thing, kept all my "water" bottles at the bottom of one of my backpacks in the bedroom closet. I would be almost paralyzed with anxiety that he would find them and than have confirmation that I was hiding wine. It got so that I could barely leave the house because of my fear. No way to live.
I would let go of the question why, your addiction is why, your AV took over and home with 2 bottles you went. I do not go to AA either, (for work related reasons). Now you have to concentrate on getting the trust back which will take time. Whats done is done, square your shoulders, face forward and keep your determination no matter what, to stay sober, get things right again with your husband. We sound a lot alike, pm me if you need to or want to.
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you lived through my biggest fear. I did the exact same thing, kept all my "water" bottles at the bottom of one of my backpacks in the bedroom closet. I would be almost paralyzed with anxiety that he would find them and than have confirmation that I was hiding wine. It got so that I could barely leave the house because of my fear. No way to live.
I would let go of the question why, your addiction is why, your AV took over and home with 2 bottles you went. I do not go to AA either, (for work related reasons). Now you have to concentrate on getting the trust back which will take time. Whats done is done, square your shoulders, face forward and keep your determination no matter what, to stay sober, get things right again with your husband. We sound a lot alike, pm me if you need to or want to.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
curious......when you went to the store for snacks and bought the wine....did you WALK or DRIVE there?
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