Just Want A Fresh Start
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Just Want A Fresh Start
After 4 years of limited or no exah in our lives our son decided to make contact again. He saw exah on the station last week and I found out today he's been parading around all our mutual acquaintances and friends and taking him to places I previously saw as my sanctuary away from him. It's like I cannot escape him. I have been judged enough without these people actually meeting him!
Worse he gave our son some very bad advice about his future. He was encouraging him to move miles away with a girl and her baby he has only been friends with a few months. My son is supposed to be at college here. I put up with living here so he can go to college and exah swans in and turns everything upside down in 5 minutes. Now our son is going on about what a great place the new city is and how much better then here it is. ( he lived there as a child but only has exah word for it. ) Exah recommended places to find accommodation. He's selling up again and wants to live there too. I can see this panning out to our son, the girl friend, plus baby and exah living together.
What is it with alcoholics turning everything around? Why did I bother protecting our son all this time if he was just going to go back to the same? Exah isn't sober. I am gutted and hoping this is a 7 day wonder but exah has more influence then I ever will.
Worse he gave our son some very bad advice about his future. He was encouraging him to move miles away with a girl and her baby he has only been friends with a few months. My son is supposed to be at college here. I put up with living here so he can go to college and exah swans in and turns everything upside down in 5 minutes. Now our son is going on about what a great place the new city is and how much better then here it is. ( he lived there as a child but only has exah word for it. ) Exah recommended places to find accommodation. He's selling up again and wants to live there too. I can see this panning out to our son, the girl friend, plus baby and exah living together.
What is it with alcoholics turning everything around? Why did I bother protecting our son all this time if he was just going to go back to the same? Exah isn't sober. I am gutted and hoping this is a 7 day wonder but exah has more influence then I ever will.
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Try to step into your son's shoes for a second. He's looking for a change of place. Your place is comfortable, but it's also the same day in and day out.
Here comes friend with baby. New place! The fact that his father is encouraging this is gravy. He wants to reconnect with dad. This is something to talk about! Yay! Look, a brand new shiny future. Just like a brand new shiny car.
My take, this has NOTHING to do with you. It's not you vs. ex at this moment, and it is in your best interests if it doesn't turn into that. It has everything to do with his desire for something different, even if that "different" is less stable than what he has now. Honestly, even I can see the appeal. When I was his age, the last person I wanted to hang out with was my mother.
My parents gave me plenty of advice- some of it was very good. Some of it was VERY bad (Ex: US universities don't consider extracurricular activities when making admissions decisions.). In the end, it was totally up to me to decide what advice to follow and what advice to reject.
And it's the same deal with your son. He will have to become his own person and figure out life on his own terms. I see my own teenage son make his own mistakes, and more often than not, I find that I cannot step in and clean things up.
And in the end, all we can do is step back and watch.
Here comes friend with baby. New place! The fact that his father is encouraging this is gravy. He wants to reconnect with dad. This is something to talk about! Yay! Look, a brand new shiny future. Just like a brand new shiny car.
My take, this has NOTHING to do with you. It's not you vs. ex at this moment, and it is in your best interests if it doesn't turn into that. It has everything to do with his desire for something different, even if that "different" is less stable than what he has now. Honestly, even I can see the appeal. When I was his age, the last person I wanted to hang out with was my mother.
My parents gave me plenty of advice- some of it was very good. Some of it was VERY bad (Ex: US universities don't consider extracurricular activities when making admissions decisions.). In the end, it was totally up to me to decide what advice to follow and what advice to reject.
And it's the same deal with your son. He will have to become his own person and figure out life on his own terms. I see my own teenage son make his own mistakes, and more often than not, I find that I cannot step in and clean things up.
And in the end, all we can do is step back and watch.
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I was reminded yesterday that all I think I know of other people's lives, no matter how close to them I am, I don't really know.
My "dis-ease" is one of perceptions. It likes to keep me wound up with others instead of making myself the priority.
No wrong path for me to take. Simply was a very welcome reminder that I have choices, and often when my thoughts are tied up with situations outside myself, I'm neglecting my self-care.
How are you doing? How are you feeling today? (((hugs)))
"Just want a fresh start." Sounds like a great something to look at more. What do you want for your life?
My "dis-ease" is one of perceptions. It likes to keep me wound up with others instead of making myself the priority.
No wrong path for me to take. Simply was a very welcome reminder that I have choices, and often when my thoughts are tied up with situations outside myself, I'm neglecting my self-care.
How are you doing? How are you feeling today? (((hugs)))
"Just want a fresh start." Sounds like a great something to look at more. What do you want for your life?
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PuzzledHeart makes a lot of sense - the situation exah is proposing is the equivalent of dangling a shiny new toy in front of a suggestible child. Of course it sounds more exciting than living with mum going to boring old school in the same boring old place. Mature adults know that sometimes doing boring things is more important than dropping them in favor of whatever is new and exciting, but I'm guessing neither your son nor your ex qualifies as "mature adult".
I would give it a bit of time - if it's the shiny-new-toy effect, it will wear off once your son starts thinking about the reality (if it's about wanting to please his father, it will be more complicated - but his father will probably have his attention caught by something else and wander off of his own accord soon enough).
I would give it a bit of time - if it's the shiny-new-toy effect, it will wear off once your son starts thinking about the reality (if it's about wanting to please his father, it will be more complicated - but his father will probably have his attention caught by something else and wander off of his own accord soon enough).
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Ds has a very busy full life here I am not part of. The girlfriend comes with more baggage than an airport but all the same I like her. I also think things would work better for them with a bit of time gone by seeing as ds has been to the police station 6 times in the last month over things her ex has done. A few situations need resolving first.
I think COD has nailed it. If this was just him wanting a change, wanting to do something a bit risky that may end in disaster or not I'd not be so bothered. It's his life to make or break as he wants. If he wants to drop out of college, move miles away with a girl he hardly knows and her very small baby then so be it. It's not tho. This has the hallmarks of exah putting ideas in their heads. If exah lived with them he can sell his house and drink all the money. No need to buy another place to live. It's not about me v ex but it is about exah cos it always is.
How are you doing? How are you feeling today? (((hugs)))
I am one step forward 3 back as normal.
Exah turning up out the blue didn't help. My post was two issues really and the one pertaining to me is exah muscling in on my patch. Am finding that really hard. It took a lot for me to move here and carve out a life..one that I am still finding hard. Thanks for the hugs.
I think COD has nailed it. If this was just him wanting a change, wanting to do something a bit risky that may end in disaster or not I'd not be so bothered. It's his life to make or break as he wants. If he wants to drop out of college, move miles away with a girl he hardly knows and her very small baby then so be it. It's not tho. This has the hallmarks of exah putting ideas in their heads. If exah lived with them he can sell his house and drink all the money. No need to buy another place to live. It's not about me v ex but it is about exah cos it always is.
How are you doing? How are you feeling today? (((hugs)))
I am one step forward 3 back as normal.
Exah turning up out the blue didn't help. My post was two issues really and the one pertaining to me is exah muscling in on my patch. Am finding that really hard. It took a lot for me to move here and carve out a life..one that I am still finding hard. Thanks for the hugs.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579 
I think COD has nailed it. If this was just him wanting a change, wanting to do something a bit risky that may end in disaster or not I'd not be so bothered. It's his life to make or break as he wants. If he wants to drop out of college, move miles away with a girl he hardly knows and her very small baby then so be it. It's not tho. This has the hallmarks of exah putting ideas in their heads. If exah lived with them he can sell his house and drink all the money. No need to buy another place to live. It's not about me v ex but it is about exah cos it always is.
So young person in that scenario gets invited to move out of parent's place and start this new shiny life with drug addict and spouse and child and one other room-mate and off he goes.
The couple were a couple of fakes and flakes. That didn't phase the young person in question and they moved to a different state to live with the group. It was terrible for the Mother. This young person has other challenges and it was going to be a disaster. There was negotiation, he got involved with the other room-mate, more negotiation. Finally money was cut off as who was going to support this.
Ffwd a couple of months and drug addict asked the young person to do something with total disregard to the person's safety. That was the end of that. The great move was over and he got out of there ASAP.
Did all the negotiation wake him up to what was really going on there? I don't know, perhaps.
Have you discussed the possibility that his Father will move in with them and just drink full time? I'm not saying that it has to be done in any kind of negative way really, just maybe something he can keep in mind so he can see it when it happens.
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Have you discussed the possibility that his Father will move in with them and just drink full time? I'm not saying that it has to be done in any kind of negative way really, just maybe something he can keep in mind so he can see it when it happens.
Yes. I have discussed this with ds and other issues. Exah is looking for a soft landing now he is down to his last house. He wants the money out of it to drink which means he needs a free place to live. None of my other kids will even speak to him so it is ds he is trying to get around. Also the girlfriend is important cos in the UK under 25's cannot get help with their rent expenses except under special circumstances...one being her having a baby. I've got to hand it to exah..for a drunk who never remembers to change his underpants he was quick off the draw with this.
I left it with ds overnight to think about and he came to me this morning and said it's not happening. He doesn't want to marry the girlfriend at this stage and he certainly doesn't want his dad in the mix. He enjoys his life here and we agreed that when the time comes for him to move on his dad will not be involved.
Yes. I have discussed this with ds and other issues. Exah is looking for a soft landing now he is down to his last house. He wants the money out of it to drink which means he needs a free place to live. None of my other kids will even speak to him so it is ds he is trying to get around. Also the girlfriend is important cos in the UK under 25's cannot get help with their rent expenses except under special circumstances...one being her having a baby. I've got to hand it to exah..for a drunk who never remembers to change his underpants he was quick off the draw with this.
I left it with ds overnight to think about and he came to me this morning and said it's not happening. He doesn't want to marry the girlfriend at this stage and he certainly doesn't want his dad in the mix. He enjoys his life here and we agreed that when the time comes for him to move on his dad will not be involved.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
I left it with ds overnight to think about and he came to me this morning and said it's not happening. He doesn't want to marry the girlfriend at this stage and he certainly doesn't want his dad in the mix. He enjoys his life here and we agreed that when the time comes for him to move on his dad will not be involved.
((((HUGS))))
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
I left it with ds overnight to think about and he came to me this morning and said it's not happening. He doesn't want to marry the girlfriend at this stage and he certainly doesn't want his dad in the mix. He enjoys his life here and we agreed that when the time comes for him to move on his dad will not be involved.
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Thanks folks. I think ds has got the measure of his dad now. He went to his house today, the one he's supposedly selling, and told me it is a complete tip. Exah wanted them to have keys in case they would like to move in. Ds was like ...er...no. I feel fed up cos I get this stuff second hand from ds who is still processing things. I've moved on and do not care. I had a timescale in my head when I'd be able to lose all contact with exah and it was nearly 2 years ago when our sons hit 18. Unfortunately his twisted ways are still being reported back to me by our son. I often wonder how much air time I'd get if I had behaved the way he has. It's like no matter what he does he gets forgiven. However in my case I am the whipping boy for all ills.
Oh and the girlfriend got the heave ho today too. Ds realised it's not what he wants at the moment. Back to how we were. It's like a never ending dance.
Oh and the girlfriend got the heave ho today too. Ds realised it's not what he wants at the moment. Back to how we were. It's like a never ending dance.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
Oh and the girlfriend got the heave ho today too. Ds realised it's not what he wants at the moment. Back to how we were. It's like a never ending dance.
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I feel your frustrations LB & I would have them too.
But reading it all play out after the fact like this, it sounds like this was a wonderful experience for DS overall - it really, really showed him what he DOESN'T want & he slowed down to process it without jumping too quickly.
This goes down as a "win" in my book. Good job, mama.
But reading it all play out after the fact like this, it sounds like this was a wonderful experience for DS overall - it really, really showed him what he DOESN'T want & he slowed down to process it without jumping too quickly.
This goes down as a "win" in my book. Good job, mama.
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But reading it all play out after the fact like this, it sounds like this was a wonderful experience for DS overall - it really, really showed him what he DOESN'T want & he slowed down to process it without jumping too quickly.
Yes this is true. The girl friend situation came to a head last night and ds has learnt that setting boundaries does not mean others will be happy with them. She refused to speak to him but enlisted the help of her friends to put pressure on ds to change his mind and not only still see her but change the dynamics to "dating". Ds worked out the girl friend did not respect his reasons for stepping back from her and creating space from her drama and she was not the slightest bit concerned how much all her drama had effected him both physically and mentally. Also, at aged 21 with a child of her own she is to immature to speak to him directly and resorted to trying to manipulate him through her friends. Ds saw all of that. I kept out of it. Ds is now doing some soul searching into why he attracts girls with drama. She is the second with massive issues in the past year. I think it is cos he is solid, caring and protective, having got 4 sisters. That's attractive to needy women. He won't have women abused and put down and gets very angry with people who do it. His girl friend saw that in him. It's been hard for him cos her drama aside he does actually really like her and has got very attached to her baby.
Yes this is true. The girl friend situation came to a head last night and ds has learnt that setting boundaries does not mean others will be happy with them. She refused to speak to him but enlisted the help of her friends to put pressure on ds to change his mind and not only still see her but change the dynamics to "dating". Ds worked out the girl friend did not respect his reasons for stepping back from her and creating space from her drama and she was not the slightest bit concerned how much all her drama had effected him both physically and mentally. Also, at aged 21 with a child of her own she is to immature to speak to him directly and resorted to trying to manipulate him through her friends. Ds saw all of that. I kept out of it. Ds is now doing some soul searching into why he attracts girls with drama. She is the second with massive issues in the past year. I think it is cos he is solid, caring and protective, having got 4 sisters. That's attractive to needy women. He won't have women abused and put down and gets very angry with people who do it. His girl friend saw that in him. It's been hard for him cos her drama aside he does actually really like her and has got very attached to her baby.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
But reading it all play out after the fact like this, it sounds like this was a wonderful experience for DS overall - it really, really showed him what he DOESN'T want & he slowed down to process it without jumping too quickly.
Yes this is true. The girl friend situation came to a head last night and ds has learnt that setting boundaries does not mean others will be happy with them. She refused to speak to him but enlisted the help of her friends to put pressure on ds to change his mind and not only still see her but change the dynamics to "dating". Ds worked out the girl friend did not respect his reasons for stepping back from her and creating space from her drama and she was not the slightest bit concerned how much all her drama had effected him both physically and mentally. Also, at aged 21 with a child of her own she is to immature to speak to him directly and resorted to trying to manipulate him through her friends. Ds saw all of that. I kept out of it. Ds is now doing some soul searching into why he attracts girls with drama. She is the second with massive issues in the past year. I think it is cos he is solid, caring and protective, having got 4 sisters. That's attractive to needy women. He won't have women abused and put down and gets very angry with people who do it. His girl friend saw that in him. It's been hard for him cos her drama aside he does actually really like her and has got very attached to her baby.
Yes this is true. The girl friend situation came to a head last night and ds has learnt that setting boundaries does not mean others will be happy with them. She refused to speak to him but enlisted the help of her friends to put pressure on ds to change his mind and not only still see her but change the dynamics to "dating". Ds worked out the girl friend did not respect his reasons for stepping back from her and creating space from her drama and she was not the slightest bit concerned how much all her drama had effected him both physically and mentally. Also, at aged 21 with a child of her own she is to immature to speak to him directly and resorted to trying to manipulate him through her friends. Ds saw all of that. I kept out of it. Ds is now doing some soul searching into why he attracts girls with drama. She is the second with massive issues in the past year. I think it is cos he is solid, caring and protective, having got 4 sisters. That's attractive to needy women. He won't have women abused and put down and gets very angry with people who do it. His girl friend saw that in him. It's been hard for him cos her drama aside he does actually really like her and has got very attached to her baby.
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
Good to see he figured out what he doesn't want in his life at 21. Took me until I was 40.
Even better that he is only 19 and figuring it out! amazing.
My daughter figured this stuff out around 20 as well, I was 40 before I learned it... my mother has never and will never...
We've shown our children a different way, change is happening to our family dynamics and that is soooo awesome. We've broken the cycle and that empowers our next generation.
So proud of your son, and so proud of you too Ladybird!
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
We've shown our children a different way, change is happening to our family dynamics and that is soooo awesome. We've broken the cycle and that empowers our next generation.
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