New here, SO lost!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 54
New here, SO lost!
I've been lurking around on these forums and done a lot of reading this last week but it wasn't until today that I finally got the courage to post. I want to apologize in advance if this post is lengthy but it's important for me to write all of this down. If for no other person than for myself. 
I have been involved in a relationship for about a year an a half. I came out of a bad marriage and later reconnected with an old friend from high school days. At the beginning I was this strong, proud, secure and confident person. Now I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Before things got serious with the man I'm with, he did tell me about his past. He did have a problem with opiate abuse for years. He'd been divorced, lost his wife and child over his addictions, both to drugs and gambling. He's got a felony record for selling drugs to support his habit. He was fresh out of rehab when we started talking. The only reason he was in rehab was to avoid prison, as it was part of his sentence and he has been under house arrest with an ankle bracelet since January of 2017, a few weeks after we got together. He told me at the start he was clean, and that he'd never go back to using. He didn't want to risk his freedom, or losing me. That was true for approximately 3 weeks.
By the 3rd week in January last year I knew he was using again. I'd ask repeatedly and he'd tell me I was "crazy". I'd tell him I don't need to be a drug user to see when someone is high. From there, the flood of lies began. SO many lies about using, where he was with my car (he lost everything, and doesn't own one). Just lie after lie after lie, each time getting caught. And I'd cry beyond belief. I could not (and still cannot) comprehend how someone that claims to want to marry me (now, a year and a half later) could hurt me so badly. I got pregnant with his child in February of 2016 and miscarried. I was 44 years old. I told him I wanted to keep it, he thought about leaving me. He finally came around, telling me he'd be on board and came to my first (and what ended up being my only) appointment high as could be. I lost the baby the next week. I could tell he was happy. I felt so miserable. I want to add that since he started using 3 weeks into our relationship, he's had NO sex drive. None. I'd try to force it, and of course he suffered from erectile dysfunction because of the drugs. Only at that point he wouldn't admit it. He blamed ME for his lack of sex drive. Told me that my "breasts were too big" and it was a turn off. It was always something about me. He admitted once he finally admitted to using again that it wasn't me, that it was him. Regardless, he'd put me down for so long that it didn't matter. I am this beautiful woman and he's managed to make me feel grotesque.
I should add that the moment I found out I was pregnant I did go to his parents and I told them everything. I was hoping for an intervention. His parents had been through so much with him and they tried to assist but in the end, even their attempts were useless. The only thing he's told me over and over (at least 700 times) is that he does love me and that he's going to stop. At this point they are just words. They mean nothing.
We moved in together in June of 2016. Since he was unable to hide his drug use, it became clear he hadn't quit. He'd still take percocet when the funds permitted, or vicoden, or tramadol, or whatever he could get his hands on. He told me he was going to be honest about his using because he wanted my help. He promised no more lies. Once again, I should have known better. His 3 girls come over here every other weekend and one weekend I found drugs hidden under our bathroom sink! Nothing changes. He wasn't using constantly or daily, but at least a few times every other week. He'd time his opiate use around his federal mandated drug tests. That wasn't always successful for him, as he'd gotten a few dirty tests and forced back into outpatient meetings.
As of a year ago, he switched to mainly Suboxone, but he has still taken pills here and there. The last time was about two months ago when he had extra money from gambling. He wasn't using Suboxone because he was coming off of pills, he was taking it for the slight euphoric effect because he knew he could do so without getting caught and violating prison. He started with 1mg a day, within a couple of weeks up to 3....then 4...now he's at or over 8 a day. Over and over he told me he was going to quit. He'd ask for my help tapering, and I think I've made him 40 charts he hasn't stuck to. He says he wants to quit and believes he can self medicate and that I should back off, even though he's asking me for help. Yet each time I have backed off, he's gotten himself addicted to a higher dose.
Things have been extremely bad this last month. He hasn't cut down like he's promised a million times. Our sex life is still passionless, as it has been for a year and a half. We've become two strangers living in the same home, and every night ends with him telling me "tomorrow will be better, I promise. I'm going to show you how much I want to quit"....he knows he's losing me. And yet he doesn't care. He's lied to me 3 times this week again about drugs. I found out earlier today he lied last week, getting more drugs at work. As always he gets caught by people texting him.
The worst part is that every single time he's hurt me, he gets angry at me. I'm the one being destroyed by his actions and lies and empty promises but because I show I'm hurt, I get yelled at. I get made to feel worse, and be blamed. His apologies are never sincere, only when he wants me to stay. They are usually "whatever, I'm sorry" and meaningless. Especially when he just continues to do the things that hurt. Nothing changes. He now says he's cutting down, yet continues to raise his dose daily. According to the two taper schedules he made himself recently, he should be at 2mg. He took 6 last night. Nothing changes.
I know some may read this and take his side that it's "just Suboxone". I do not and will not ever see it this way. I know it may not get him as high as his percs do, but the buprenorphine is still an opoid and he's still addicted to it. To me, it's still the same man addicted to a drug that he doesn't need and is abusing, buying them illegally and using our rent money at times to do so. To me, it's still a drug that continues to destroy our relationship. It's killed our trust, our closeness and our sex life. It risks his freedom, as he's still on probation and still under house arrest. Some call it the "lesser of two evils" and that may be true for someone coming off of heavy opiate use but that's not the case here. He was clean for over six months and 3 weeks into our relation (and out of rehab) he was back to using.
Now, enough about him. This part is about me. I KNOW I'm an enabler. I've been warned by his step mother, his father and his mother about this, all of them telling me multiple times to walk away because they saw how much his addiction and lies have destroyed me. And yet I stayed. I continue to enable, I lie to his family, tell them he's clean. I help him get his drugs because otherwise I get blamed that it will be my fault if he goes through withdrawals. I'm always to blame. I feel broken, unloved, unattractive, disrespected and unwanted. I've tried to leave multiple times and each time I'm asked back and given more promises. And the worst part is that I've been suffering silently this entire time. After the one time I got his parents involved, I was warned never to tell anyone again. I can't talk to friend, family, my 23 year old son, no one. He insists that it's our business and I shouldn't share it with anyone. He didn't threaten me physically, but has in other words said that he'll leave me if I do talk to anyone. And that hurts beyond words. The thought of him leaving ME after all the hell I've endured our entire relationship? I'm suffering from depression, ulcers and I have turned my back on everything and everyone because of his addiction. I know it's HIS problem, I didn't cause it and it's not my fault. I know that I cannot force him to change.
He knows I am writing this, and he's very unhappy. I told him my only alternative is to walk out that door for one final time and never look back. He realizes that I am finally thinking about myself. I want to stop enabling and start finding who I am once again. I think that beautiful, strong and confident woman still exists somewhere inside me. I just don't know what to do.
I want to close with the fact that I really do love him. I love him more than I love myself. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him, and I think that's why I've endured this for the last year and a half. I do want to believe that he does want to get clean. It's just hard to see it when his actions always overwrite his words. I want to believe he loves me, but again, it's hard to see it when he knows that lying to me destroys me and risks our relationship, yet he still continues to do it. I've told him countless times that I DO have faith in him, even when he doesn't believe in himself. I'm just so lost right now. Even when I tell him that I can't do this anymore he finds a way to draw me back in. I try to convince him that if I leave, it's not about him or his addiction. It's about ME being tired of feeling this way. It's about me getting healthy and to stop being made to feel daily like I'm the crazy one. Yet he sees all this as me "forcing" him to quit using. He refuses to believe that it's not about him and I'm done enabling.
I'm just so sick of crying every night and day. We have some great days, but they are always overshadowed by the bad days. I just don't know how to continue like this, and at the same time I don't know how to walk away. I'd almost feel guilty for doing so, because he is too helpless to get through this on his own.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and again, my apologies for how long it is. Trust me, if I'd shared even a tenth of things that have taken place you'd still be reading. This is, sadly, the short version.
I have been involved in a relationship for about a year an a half. I came out of a bad marriage and later reconnected with an old friend from high school days. At the beginning I was this strong, proud, secure and confident person. Now I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Before things got serious with the man I'm with, he did tell me about his past. He did have a problem with opiate abuse for years. He'd been divorced, lost his wife and child over his addictions, both to drugs and gambling. He's got a felony record for selling drugs to support his habit. He was fresh out of rehab when we started talking. The only reason he was in rehab was to avoid prison, as it was part of his sentence and he has been under house arrest with an ankle bracelet since January of 2017, a few weeks after we got together. He told me at the start he was clean, and that he'd never go back to using. He didn't want to risk his freedom, or losing me. That was true for approximately 3 weeks.
By the 3rd week in January last year I knew he was using again. I'd ask repeatedly and he'd tell me I was "crazy". I'd tell him I don't need to be a drug user to see when someone is high. From there, the flood of lies began. SO many lies about using, where he was with my car (he lost everything, and doesn't own one). Just lie after lie after lie, each time getting caught. And I'd cry beyond belief. I could not (and still cannot) comprehend how someone that claims to want to marry me (now, a year and a half later) could hurt me so badly. I got pregnant with his child in February of 2016 and miscarried. I was 44 years old. I told him I wanted to keep it, he thought about leaving me. He finally came around, telling me he'd be on board and came to my first (and what ended up being my only) appointment high as could be. I lost the baby the next week. I could tell he was happy. I felt so miserable. I want to add that since he started using 3 weeks into our relationship, he's had NO sex drive. None. I'd try to force it, and of course he suffered from erectile dysfunction because of the drugs. Only at that point he wouldn't admit it. He blamed ME for his lack of sex drive. Told me that my "breasts were too big" and it was a turn off. It was always something about me. He admitted once he finally admitted to using again that it wasn't me, that it was him. Regardless, he'd put me down for so long that it didn't matter. I am this beautiful woman and he's managed to make me feel grotesque.
I should add that the moment I found out I was pregnant I did go to his parents and I told them everything. I was hoping for an intervention. His parents had been through so much with him and they tried to assist but in the end, even their attempts were useless. The only thing he's told me over and over (at least 700 times) is that he does love me and that he's going to stop. At this point they are just words. They mean nothing.
We moved in together in June of 2016. Since he was unable to hide his drug use, it became clear he hadn't quit. He'd still take percocet when the funds permitted, or vicoden, or tramadol, or whatever he could get his hands on. He told me he was going to be honest about his using because he wanted my help. He promised no more lies. Once again, I should have known better. His 3 girls come over here every other weekend and one weekend I found drugs hidden under our bathroom sink! Nothing changes. He wasn't using constantly or daily, but at least a few times every other week. He'd time his opiate use around his federal mandated drug tests. That wasn't always successful for him, as he'd gotten a few dirty tests and forced back into outpatient meetings.
As of a year ago, he switched to mainly Suboxone, but he has still taken pills here and there. The last time was about two months ago when he had extra money from gambling. He wasn't using Suboxone because he was coming off of pills, he was taking it for the slight euphoric effect because he knew he could do so without getting caught and violating prison. He started with 1mg a day, within a couple of weeks up to 3....then 4...now he's at or over 8 a day. Over and over he told me he was going to quit. He'd ask for my help tapering, and I think I've made him 40 charts he hasn't stuck to. He says he wants to quit and believes he can self medicate and that I should back off, even though he's asking me for help. Yet each time I have backed off, he's gotten himself addicted to a higher dose.
Things have been extremely bad this last month. He hasn't cut down like he's promised a million times. Our sex life is still passionless, as it has been for a year and a half. We've become two strangers living in the same home, and every night ends with him telling me "tomorrow will be better, I promise. I'm going to show you how much I want to quit"....he knows he's losing me. And yet he doesn't care. He's lied to me 3 times this week again about drugs. I found out earlier today he lied last week, getting more drugs at work. As always he gets caught by people texting him.
The worst part is that every single time he's hurt me, he gets angry at me. I'm the one being destroyed by his actions and lies and empty promises but because I show I'm hurt, I get yelled at. I get made to feel worse, and be blamed. His apologies are never sincere, only when he wants me to stay. They are usually "whatever, I'm sorry" and meaningless. Especially when he just continues to do the things that hurt. Nothing changes. He now says he's cutting down, yet continues to raise his dose daily. According to the two taper schedules he made himself recently, he should be at 2mg. He took 6 last night. Nothing changes.
I know some may read this and take his side that it's "just Suboxone". I do not and will not ever see it this way. I know it may not get him as high as his percs do, but the buprenorphine is still an opoid and he's still addicted to it. To me, it's still the same man addicted to a drug that he doesn't need and is abusing, buying them illegally and using our rent money at times to do so. To me, it's still a drug that continues to destroy our relationship. It's killed our trust, our closeness and our sex life. It risks his freedom, as he's still on probation and still under house arrest. Some call it the "lesser of two evils" and that may be true for someone coming off of heavy opiate use but that's not the case here. He was clean for over six months and 3 weeks into our relation (and out of rehab) he was back to using.
Now, enough about him. This part is about me. I KNOW I'm an enabler. I've been warned by his step mother, his father and his mother about this, all of them telling me multiple times to walk away because they saw how much his addiction and lies have destroyed me. And yet I stayed. I continue to enable, I lie to his family, tell them he's clean. I help him get his drugs because otherwise I get blamed that it will be my fault if he goes through withdrawals. I'm always to blame. I feel broken, unloved, unattractive, disrespected and unwanted. I've tried to leave multiple times and each time I'm asked back and given more promises. And the worst part is that I've been suffering silently this entire time. After the one time I got his parents involved, I was warned never to tell anyone again. I can't talk to friend, family, my 23 year old son, no one. He insists that it's our business and I shouldn't share it with anyone. He didn't threaten me physically, but has in other words said that he'll leave me if I do talk to anyone. And that hurts beyond words. The thought of him leaving ME after all the hell I've endured our entire relationship? I'm suffering from depression, ulcers and I have turned my back on everything and everyone because of his addiction. I know it's HIS problem, I didn't cause it and it's not my fault. I know that I cannot force him to change.
He knows I am writing this, and he's very unhappy. I told him my only alternative is to walk out that door for one final time and never look back. He realizes that I am finally thinking about myself. I want to stop enabling and start finding who I am once again. I think that beautiful, strong and confident woman still exists somewhere inside me. I just don't know what to do.
I want to close with the fact that I really do love him. I love him more than I love myself. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him, and I think that's why I've endured this for the last year and a half. I do want to believe that he does want to get clean. It's just hard to see it when his actions always overwrite his words. I want to believe he loves me, but again, it's hard to see it when he knows that lying to me destroys me and risks our relationship, yet he still continues to do it. I've told him countless times that I DO have faith in him, even when he doesn't believe in himself. I'm just so lost right now. Even when I tell him that I can't do this anymore he finds a way to draw me back in. I try to convince him that if I leave, it's not about him or his addiction. It's about ME being tired of feeling this way. It's about me getting healthy and to stop being made to feel daily like I'm the crazy one. Yet he sees all this as me "forcing" him to quit using. He refuses to believe that it's not about him and I'm done enabling.
I'm just so sick of crying every night and day. We have some great days, but they are always overshadowed by the bad days. I just don't know how to continue like this, and at the same time I don't know how to walk away. I'd almost feel guilty for doing so, because he is too helpless to get through this on his own.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and again, my apologies for how long it is. Trust me, if I'd shared even a tenth of things that have taken place you'd still be reading. This is, sadly, the short version.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
That's a lot. You are enabling him, and you are paying dearly for it. He is deep in his addiction, if you continue to help him procure drugs, live without any consequences etc.... it may end very badly. You are providing him with a soft place to land.
I don't believe for one minute he is only using a couple time a week, but that is neither here nor there, I encourage you to seek help for yourself, to remove yourself from this situation, to end contact with this man, he is not good for you and you are not good for him , the kind of help he needs you can not provide him. I am sorry that you are hurting.
There are some stickies at the top of the forum, I hope you read them and educate yourself about addiction . Do you have a counselor, re connect with your friends and family and tell them what is happening and how much you are hurting and let them help you, No matter how unlovable you feel right now, there are people that love you and will help you. Please keep posting. Katie
I don't believe for one minute he is only using a couple time a week, but that is neither here nor there, I encourage you to seek help for yourself, to remove yourself from this situation, to end contact with this man, he is not good for you and you are not good for him , the kind of help he needs you can not provide him. I am sorry that you are hurting.
There are some stickies at the top of the forum, I hope you read them and educate yourself about addiction . Do you have a counselor, re connect with your friends and family and tell them what is happening and how much you are hurting and let them help you, No matter how unlovable you feel right now, there are people that love you and will help you. Please keep posting. Katie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by Katiekate 
That's a lot. You are enabling him, and you are paying dearly for it. He is deep in his addiction, if you continue to help him procure drugs, live without any consequences etc.... it may end very badly. You are providing him with a soft place to land.
I don't believe for one minute he is only using a couple time a week, but that is neither here nor there, I encourage you to seek help for yourself, to remove yourself from this situation, to end contact with this man, he is not good for you and you are not good for him , the kind of help he needs you can not provide him. I am sorry that you are hurting.
There are some stickies at the top of the forum, I hope you read them and educate yourself about addiction . Do you have a counselor, re connect with your friends and family and tell them what is happening and how much you are hurting and let them help you, No matter how unlovable you feel right now, there are people that love you and will help you. Please keep posting. Katie
I don't believe for one minute he is only using a couple time a week, but that is neither here nor there, I encourage you to seek help for yourself, to remove yourself from this situation, to end contact with this man, he is not good for you and you are not good for him , the kind of help he needs you can not provide him. I am sorry that you are hurting.
There are some stickies at the top of the forum, I hope you read them and educate yourself about addiction . Do you have a counselor, re connect with your friends and family and tell them what is happening and how much you are hurting and let them help you, No matter how unlovable you feel right now, there are people that love you and will help you. Please keep posting. Katie
I have read quite a bit on the forums and will continue to do so. Now he says he's not going to taper, just take the Sub he has left (as he wants, in high amounts) and then go through withdrawals. That's how he's telling me he's going to "show me". I told him it's torture to watch him go through withdrawals and the whole concept of a taper was to avoid it but he tells me that him going through withdrawals doesn't affect me. He refuses to believe that it might hurt me seeing a loved one suffer, or treating me like dirt for a week. He thinks he deserves more trust (because lying to me earlier and the day before is "technically in the past" ...his words) and that I should just forget he's hurt me and trust again. I just have nothing left to give.
Part of me wants to stick around to see if he can do this but to be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust him again. It sucks.
Losing It!!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Birmingham Alabama
Posts: 11
My heart goes out to you. One thing I feel (just personally) stop beating yourself up! Most of us on here ARE enablers OR we love someone to pieces that is an addict. You can’t help but love your addict; but you also have to think of yourself.
I am finding out the hard way after dealing with my sons addiction for 6/7 years (opiates/heroine/meth) that all of my enabling; all that I did thinking I was helping; was only helping him become worse. It’s such a sick and twisted circle. I’ve lied for him; I’ve covered for him. And I also took the abuse you speak of. Once after he got arrested; and I got him out of jail; he raised hell and cussed me out all the way home. All I did was stop at the store to make sure he had cigarettes for the next day. In my case: hear no evil, see no evil and certainly speak no evil; because I was so afraid of chasing him away.
Enough. The last time he got arrested I left him there. Hardest thing I’ve ever done! He is my son and I truly love him more than my own life. But thru help of my NarAnon group (for parents with addicted children) I have slowly found my voice and started demanding my life back. My son is now back in treatment; and planning to go to sober living after; both out of state. Far away from his triggers; old drug friends AND away from enabling mom. It’s so super hard. But he will continue to use you and take advantage of your love for him. Drugs make them “master manipulators”! You WILL be the one feeling guilty and like the bad guy...because they are masters at that game!! Reach out to family; and check your area for support groups. I am sooooo not where I need to be yet...but it’s a process. Because their addiction makes US sick too. Such a terrible life sucking disease!! Hang in there girl! I will pray for you.
I am finding out the hard way after dealing with my sons addiction for 6/7 years (opiates/heroine/meth) that all of my enabling; all that I did thinking I was helping; was only helping him become worse. It’s such a sick and twisted circle. I’ve lied for him; I’ve covered for him. And I also took the abuse you speak of. Once after he got arrested; and I got him out of jail; he raised hell and cussed me out all the way home. All I did was stop at the store to make sure he had cigarettes for the next day. In my case: hear no evil, see no evil and certainly speak no evil; because I was so afraid of chasing him away.
Enough. The last time he got arrested I left him there. Hardest thing I’ve ever done! He is my son and I truly love him more than my own life. But thru help of my NarAnon group (for parents with addicted children) I have slowly found my voice and started demanding my life back. My son is now back in treatment; and planning to go to sober living after; both out of state. Far away from his triggers; old drug friends AND away from enabling mom. It’s so super hard. But he will continue to use you and take advantage of your love for him. Drugs make them “master manipulators”! You WILL be the one feeling guilty and like the bad guy...because they are masters at that game!! Reach out to family; and check your area for support groups. I am sooooo not where I need to be yet...but it’s a process. Because their addiction makes US sick too. Such a terrible life sucking disease!! Hang in there girl! I will pray for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 54
Michelle, as a mother I can't even imagine what you're going through. My son is 23 and it would probably drive me to an early grave if I had to go through that. I'm so sorry you're dealing with everything. It's a lot harder to distance yourself from a child than it is a relationship of one and a half years. HUGS!
I wish there were support groups in my local area. There's a lot of addicts but no support groups for their families and loved ones (the closest is over 30 miles away.) I'm very thankful though for having found these forums to share my story with, having people that actually understand where I'm coming from instead of being told by my significant other that I'm "crazy". You are my angels for reading my post and taking the time to respond. Thank you so much!
I wish there were support groups in my local area. There's a lot of addicts but no support groups for their families and loved ones (the closest is over 30 miles away.) I'm very thankful though for having found these forums to share my story with, having people that actually understand where I'm coming from instead of being told by my significant other that I'm "crazy". You are my angels for reading my post and taking the time to respond. Thank you so much!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi Katerina
First let me say that I am very sorry for your experience. Nothing you wrote was any surprise to me. Given the bizarre world of addiction yours is unfortunately a fairly typical & normal story.
2016 was a bad year for me as well. I have my own ugly drug addiction relationship story. She suffers from numerous addictions which include drugs & gambling. I've seen first hand pretty much everything you have described.
I understand when you said you went from being a strong proud confident person to now not even recognizing yourself in the mirror. I know that feeling well.
I began reading on the internet in 2016 concerning heroine, drug use, & addiction. I found SR forum during that reading. I didn't join & post my story until June of 2017. That huge amount of reading is what gave me understanding about her, addiction, & myself. As I read, I found great understanding about her. I learned things she could never explain. I also learned that I was in way over my head & in deep trouble. I learned that she is an addict & has been living an addict lifestyle for years & years. My relationship with her didn't start in 2016, however 2016 was a year of awakening for me.
There are so many aspects to learn about addiction. But learning is the key to our understanding.
I love my addict - I always have & probably always will. So I understand your feeling of love for him.
So Katerina here you are. I guess by now you know your in over your head & in trouble. You've lost yourself to addiction. Addiction to hard drugs, especially long term addiction, is extremely destructive. It does not get better magically all by itself. It would literally take years to unravel all the damage which he has done to himself.
You have some very hard decisions to make. Decisions concerning saving yourself. He will not save you - at this point, he cannot save himself.
In the end after trying for years to help her, I had to let go of her. It was extremely hard for me to do. Hard beyond words to describe. I did it to save myself & also for her. I wasn't helping her - I was enabling her in a huge way. She never got better - she got worse. I left her June of 2017 in god's hands. She is still in gods hands today.
I hope you find a way back to being a beautiful, confident, strong, proud, & secure woman. There is a way back. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Its not going to be an easy journey.
Please take care.
First let me say that I am very sorry for your experience. Nothing you wrote was any surprise to me. Given the bizarre world of addiction yours is unfortunately a fairly typical & normal story.
2016 was a bad year for me as well. I have my own ugly drug addiction relationship story. She suffers from numerous addictions which include drugs & gambling. I've seen first hand pretty much everything you have described.
I understand when you said you went from being a strong proud confident person to now not even recognizing yourself in the mirror. I know that feeling well.
I began reading on the internet in 2016 concerning heroine, drug use, & addiction. I found SR forum during that reading. I didn't join & post my story until June of 2017. That huge amount of reading is what gave me understanding about her, addiction, & myself. As I read, I found great understanding about her. I learned things she could never explain. I also learned that I was in way over my head & in deep trouble. I learned that she is an addict & has been living an addict lifestyle for years & years. My relationship with her didn't start in 2016, however 2016 was a year of awakening for me.
There are so many aspects to learn about addiction. But learning is the key to our understanding.
I love my addict - I always have & probably always will. So I understand your feeling of love for him.
So Katerina here you are. I guess by now you know your in over your head & in trouble. You've lost yourself to addiction. Addiction to hard drugs, especially long term addiction, is extremely destructive. It does not get better magically all by itself. It would literally take years to unravel all the damage which he has done to himself.
You have some very hard decisions to make. Decisions concerning saving yourself. He will not save you - at this point, he cannot save himself.
In the end after trying for years to help her, I had to let go of her. It was extremely hard for me to do. Hard beyond words to describe. I did it to save myself & also for her. I wasn't helping her - I was enabling her in a huge way. She never got better - she got worse. I left her June of 2017 in god's hands. She is still in gods hands today.
I hope you find a way back to being a beautiful, confident, strong, proud, & secure woman. There is a way back. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Its not going to be an easy journey.
Please take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by HardLessons
Hi Katerina
First let me say that I am very sorry for your experience. Nothing you wrote was any surprise to me. Given the bizarre world of addiction yours is unfortunately a fairly typical & normal story.
2016 was a bad year for me as well. I have my own ugly drug addiction relationship story. She suffers from numerous addictions which include drugs & gambling. I've seen first hand pretty much everything you have described.
I understand when you said you went from being a strong proud confident person to now not even recognizing yourself in the mirror. I know that feeling well.
I began reading on the internet in 2016 concerning heroine, drug use, & addiction. I found SR forum during that reading. I didn't join & post my story until June of 2017. That huge amount of reading is what gave me understanding about her, addiction, & myself. As I read, I found great understanding about her. I learned things she could never explain. I also learned that I was in way over my head & in deep trouble. I learned that she is an addict & has been living an addict lifestyle for years & years. My relationship with her didn't start in 2016, however 2016 was a year of awakening for me.
There are so many aspects to learn about addiction. But learning is the key to our understanding.
I love my addict - I always have & probably always will. So I understand your feeling of love for him.
So Katerina here you are. I guess by now you know your in over your head & in trouble. You've lost yourself to addiction. Addiction to hard drugs, especially long term addiction, is extremely destructive. It does not get better magically all by itself. It would literally take years to unravel all the damage which he has done to himself.
You have some very hard decisions to make. Decisions concerning saving yourself. He will not save you - at this point, he cannot save himself.
In the end after trying for years to help her, I had to let go of her. It was extremely hard for me to do. Hard beyond words to describe. I did it to save myself & also for her. I wasn't helping her - I was enabling her in a huge way. She never got better - she got worse. I left her June of 2017 in god's hands. She is still in gods hands today.
I hope you find a way back to being a beautiful, confident, strong, proud, & secure woman. There is a way back. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Its not going to be an easy journey.
Please take care.
First let me say that I am very sorry for your experience. Nothing you wrote was any surprise to me. Given the bizarre world of addiction yours is unfortunately a fairly typical & normal story.
2016 was a bad year for me as well. I have my own ugly drug addiction relationship story. She suffers from numerous addictions which include drugs & gambling. I've seen first hand pretty much everything you have described.
I understand when you said you went from being a strong proud confident person to now not even recognizing yourself in the mirror. I know that feeling well.
I began reading on the internet in 2016 concerning heroine, drug use, & addiction. I found SR forum during that reading. I didn't join & post my story until June of 2017. That huge amount of reading is what gave me understanding about her, addiction, & myself. As I read, I found great understanding about her. I learned things she could never explain. I also learned that I was in way over my head & in deep trouble. I learned that she is an addict & has been living an addict lifestyle for years & years. My relationship with her didn't start in 2016, however 2016 was a year of awakening for me.
There are so many aspects to learn about addiction. But learning is the key to our understanding.
I love my addict - I always have & probably always will. So I understand your feeling of love for him.
So Katerina here you are. I guess by now you know your in over your head & in trouble. You've lost yourself to addiction. Addiction to hard drugs, especially long term addiction, is extremely destructive. It does not get better magically all by itself. It would literally take years to unravel all the damage which he has done to himself.
You have some very hard decisions to make. Decisions concerning saving yourself. He will not save you - at this point, he cannot save himself.
In the end after trying for years to help her, I had to let go of her. It was extremely hard for me to do. Hard beyond words to describe. I did it to save myself & also for her. I wasn't helping her - I was enabling her in a huge way. She never got better - she got worse. I left her June of 2017 in god's hands. She is still in gods hands today.
I hope you find a way back to being a beautiful, confident, strong, proud, & secure woman. There is a way back. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Its not going to be an easy journey.
Please take care.
Like you and your addict, I will always love him. I have even told him that. However I've also told him that it doesn't mean that I can stay with him. I don't even want to think about how much you went through saying "goodbye" because I can only imagine how incredibly hard that was to do. I know that if and when that time finally comes for me and mine, I will be lost beyond words. The worst thing that comes to mind when I consider leaving is that I feel guilty, like I've given up and "maybe" if I would have stayed things "might" have gotten better. Lately I look at him more and more and feel downright sorry for him. I know he didn't ask for this disease but in the end I have to accept that HE needs to fix it. There's nothing I can do...
Meanwhile I sit here with someone who feels like a stranger. We have no connection anymore, and the more I try to connect the more I get disappointed. Disappointment leads to depression, depression leads to me questioning why I'm even breathing some days. And the worst part is that he has no remorse, no empathy....nothing. It makes everything a million times harder when all I do is try to connect on any level and get an attitude back that "it is what it is, deal with it...this is who I am". My bags have been packed for the better part of a week and I'm living out of my suitcase in my own home because I'm just that fed up. And still nothing matters. He makes no attempts to fix anything. I'm slowly but surely getting the courage to make the next step. Things are at rock bottom for me but I'm praying day and night that somehow he'll wake up and realize what he's losing. I'm an idiot, and I know that.
I hope in time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now things are so dark that I have completely lost my way...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
So sorry you are in this really messy situation.
Please don't call yourself an "idiot". What you are doing to yourself is not good for you, what he is doing to you is not good for you, you have lost your way, but you can find it again.
That pain and sadness you think you are going to feel leaving him, are you sure about that?
You have been led down a path with him making you somehow responsible for his addiction. You are making up sheets for tapering etc. His recovery (if he ever gets serious about it) is his. You are not a professional, why on earth does he think you should be his addiction helper?
There is AA, NA, the Salvation Army, inpatient, outpatient, counsellors and psychiatrists, therapists, addiction specialists, doctors, but you get to be the one helping him to fix his addiction. It just draws you in, somehow you become responsible (and guilty?).
Are you seeing this clearly? The only way you will is if you step out of this madness for a bit. You don't have to make any big decisions right now but is there anywhere you can go and stay for a couple of weeks even? Family, friends?
Save yourself.
Please don't call yourself an "idiot". What you are doing to yourself is not good for you, what he is doing to you is not good for you, you have lost your way, but you can find it again.
That pain and sadness you think you are going to feel leaving him, are you sure about that?
You have been led down a path with him making you somehow responsible for his addiction. You are making up sheets for tapering etc. His recovery (if he ever gets serious about it) is his. You are not a professional, why on earth does he think you should be his addiction helper?
There is AA, NA, the Salvation Army, inpatient, outpatient, counsellors and psychiatrists, therapists, addiction specialists, doctors, but you get to be the one helping him to fix his addiction. It just draws you in, somehow you become responsible (and guilty?).
Are you seeing this clearly? The only way you will is if you step out of this madness for a bit. You don't have to make any big decisions right now but is there anywhere you can go and stay for a couple of weeks even? Family, friends?
Save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Katerina
I read your response to my post. I can very honestly say I completely understand everything you said.
First let me say that I never said the word "goodbye" to her. I've never had the strength nor do I think I could ever say that word to her. I feel emotional even now just thinking about that word. She never said that word to me.
I last time I spoke to her was in mid July 2017. Prior to that I hadn't spoken to her since the very beginning of June 2017. The last I saw her was towards end of May 2017. The very last words her & I exchanged: her " I love you" me "please don't contact me again" Obviously things were not good between us.
I have not given up on her. I never will give up on her. Rather I came to understand & accept that I cant help her nor can I have any type of healthy relationship with her while she continues with her addictions & addict life style. I will always have hope that one day her life will change. And maybe just maybe I will get a chance to see & know her as a former addict in recovery.
I wanted a miracle to happen. But it never came. It didn't come not because I didn't want it too, but because she didn't want to change her life. She didn't have a problem - I had the problem. She is what she is & I couldn't accept it & was unable to deal with it in any healthy manner. I tried hard for years.
Taking that step to leave an addicted loved one is extremely difficult. I do not know how I even did it. Its totally bizarre to leave someone you love & care for so deeply. But the fact that I did leave clearly shows how crazy the situation really all was / is.
Our addicts cant fix these broken relationships. Mine knew things between us was deteriorating. I was barking loudly. She knew but was unable to make anything better. She gave up a huge amount in terms of financial stability when she lost me. But in the end she couldn't do it. Due to her addictions, she is a very broken person & therefore cant fix anything. I guess if she could she would fix herself.
Katerina, there is light out there for you. Things for me were as dark as dark could be. I have slowly found light. Its not been easy, but I have found it.
Please take care.
I read your response to my post. I can very honestly say I completely understand everything you said.
First let me say that I never said the word "goodbye" to her. I've never had the strength nor do I think I could ever say that word to her. I feel emotional even now just thinking about that word. She never said that word to me.
I last time I spoke to her was in mid July 2017. Prior to that I hadn't spoken to her since the very beginning of June 2017. The last I saw her was towards end of May 2017. The very last words her & I exchanged: her " I love you" me "please don't contact me again" Obviously things were not good between us.
I have not given up on her. I never will give up on her. Rather I came to understand & accept that I cant help her nor can I have any type of healthy relationship with her while she continues with her addictions & addict life style. I will always have hope that one day her life will change. And maybe just maybe I will get a chance to see & know her as a former addict in recovery.
I wanted a miracle to happen. But it never came. It didn't come not because I didn't want it too, but because she didn't want to change her life. She didn't have a problem - I had the problem. She is what she is & I couldn't accept it & was unable to deal with it in any healthy manner. I tried hard for years.
Taking that step to leave an addicted loved one is extremely difficult. I do not know how I even did it. Its totally bizarre to leave someone you love & care for so deeply. But the fact that I did leave clearly shows how crazy the situation really all was / is.
Our addicts cant fix these broken relationships. Mine knew things between us was deteriorating. I was barking loudly. She knew but was unable to make anything better. She gave up a huge amount in terms of financial stability when she lost me. But in the end she couldn't do it. Due to her addictions, she is a very broken person & therefore cant fix anything. I guess if she could she would fix herself.
Katerina, there is light out there for you. Things for me were as dark as dark could be. I have slowly found light. Its not been easy, but I have found it.
Please take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 54
Thanks again everyone. Your words mean so much. I'm trying like crazy to hold on to hope and praying that these new promises I'm hearing aren't just more lies. I'll see for myself soon enough. We've talked a lot and I feel like progress was made on his part but I can't help to wonder if he's just telling me what I want to hear as usual. Time will tell. Again, thank you all!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I read your post, and immediately this came to mind...
https://www.thecut.com/2014/09/ask-p...r-love-me.html
The author is a wee bit long-winded and drops f-bombs like there's no tomorrow, but almost four years later after that post was written it still resonates in my head. If you're impatient, just skip to the last five paragraphs.
https://www.thecut.com/2014/09/ask-p...r-love-me.html
The author is a wee bit long-winded and drops f-bombs like there's no tomorrow, but almost four years later after that post was written it still resonates in my head. If you're impatient, just skip to the last five paragraphs.
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