Getting outed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
No. I learned someone I trusted has a big mouth and has said things that can't be taken back and I'm stinging over it. I can count on one hand the people I've felt comfortable confiding in about how I've quit drinking, but I might as well have tattooed it on my forehead because this person has told people I wouldn't have wanted to know in million years and now the information is just out there.
Lesson learned though. It's time for me to stop talking about this with anyone.
I feel sick over it.
Lesson learned though. It's time for me to stop talking about this with anyone.
I feel sick over it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I read the original post, and I tried to put myself in your place.
I don't think people are even capable of discretion, to be honest. I am very close to the vest about quite a few things, but not drinking isn't really one that I care about protecting. Not drinking isn't a sin or any kind of moral judgement. I drank. I liked it a little too much and recognized that it would be better if I didn't do it any more. Lesson learned, but I'm not ashamed of that fact.
I do have some behaviors that I did while drinking that I'm not willing to share with other people. I don't know which of these things apply here...but I think many people understand that alcohol leads to poor judgement. Not drinking is just - well - not drinking.
Can you forgive this? I mean, you can't change it and I would feel betrayed too - but either you accept that what's done is done, or you change your entire world so you never interact with any of the involved parties. That probably isn't a solution, so I guess you have to work at forgiving this and releasing this resentment. I hope you can see it as just a blip, not a life embarrassment.
You're really smart, so I believe you will find a way to let this go - and know that this person can't keep a confidence. Heh, no one I know can.
I don't think people are even capable of discretion, to be honest. I am very close to the vest about quite a few things, but not drinking isn't really one that I care about protecting. Not drinking isn't a sin or any kind of moral judgement. I drank. I liked it a little too much and recognized that it would be better if I didn't do it any more. Lesson learned, but I'm not ashamed of that fact.
I do have some behaviors that I did while drinking that I'm not willing to share with other people. I don't know which of these things apply here...but I think many people understand that alcohol leads to poor judgement. Not drinking is just - well - not drinking.
Can you forgive this? I mean, you can't change it and I would feel betrayed too - but either you accept that what's done is done, or you change your entire world so you never interact with any of the involved parties. That probably isn't a solution, so I guess you have to work at forgiving this and releasing this resentment. I hope you can see it as just a blip, not a life embarrassment.
You're really smart, so I believe you will find a way to let this go - and know that this person can't keep a confidence. Heh, no one I know can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I read the original post, and I tried to put myself in your place.
I don't think people are even capable of discretion, to be honest. I am very close to the vest about quite a few things, but not drinking isn't really one that I care about protecting. Not drinking isn't a sin or any kind of moral judgement. I drank. I liked it a little too much and recognized that it would be better if I didn't do it any more. Lesson learned, but I'm not ashamed of that fact.
I do have some behaviors that I did while drinking that I'm not willing to share with other people. I don't know which of these things apply here...but I think many people understand that alcohol leads to poor judgement. Not drinking is just - well - not drinking.
Can you forgive this? I mean, you can't change it and I would feel betrayed too - but either you accept that what's done is done, or you change your entire world so you never interact with any of the involved parties. That probably isn't a solution, so I guess you have to work at forgiving this and releasing this resentment. I hope you can see it as just a blip, not a life embarrassment.
You're really smart, so I believe you will find a way to let this go - and know that this person can't keep a confidence. Heh, no one I know can.
I don't think people are even capable of discretion, to be honest. I am very close to the vest about quite a few things, but not drinking isn't really one that I care about protecting. Not drinking isn't a sin or any kind of moral judgement. I drank. I liked it a little too much and recognized that it would be better if I didn't do it any more. Lesson learned, but I'm not ashamed of that fact.
I do have some behaviors that I did while drinking that I'm not willing to share with other people. I don't know which of these things apply here...but I think many people understand that alcohol leads to poor judgement. Not drinking is just - well - not drinking.
Can you forgive this? I mean, you can't change it and I would feel betrayed too - but either you accept that what's done is done, or you change your entire world so you never interact with any of the involved parties. That probably isn't a solution, so I guess you have to work at forgiving this and releasing this resentment. I hope you can see it as just a blip, not a life embarrassment.
You're really smart, so I believe you will find a way to let this go - and know that this person can't keep a confidence. Heh, no one I know can.
Thanks Bimini, you're a real sweetheart
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sorry to hear that BillieJean. Betrayal of trust is a really difficult thing no matter how you slice it. I think most people knew what kind of a person I was when I was drinking even without anyone "outing" me. So while I don't broadcast that I am sober, i have no problem with anyone knowing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
its a blessing that if/when someone brings up something about who/what i used to be i can say,"yup, that was me. i own it. greatful im not that person any more."
im not who i used to be so theres no reason i should be concerned with people knowing who/what i was.
plus, when people talk about me, they are leaving someone alone that cant take it.
im not who i used to be so theres no reason i should be concerned with people knowing who/what i was.
plus, when people talk about me, they are leaving someone alone that cant take it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Crying is good. Laughter is better. Owning your own self worth and dignity in sobriety is frikken stellar.
The past is the past. I know a good chunk of us like to stew on stuff like this, but like bimini said... the sooner you can let it go the better you will feel.
I got into the habit of well wishing those whom I REALLY did not like or was mad at. At first it felt so fake, but in the end, it took my mind off any pain or resentment
I'm sorry. Some people can be really big jerks... a lot them don't mean to be or regret it after.
In any case- you have some pretty strong soul strength by the sounds of it. Perseverance in the face of adversity is absolutely fantastic. This too shall pass... stay proud and strong. I admire you and I understand. What you are walking through would likely put me on my knees.
The past is the past. I know a good chunk of us like to stew on stuff like this, but like bimini said... the sooner you can let it go the better you will feel.
I got into the habit of well wishing those whom I REALLY did not like or was mad at. At first it felt so fake, but in the end, it took my mind off any pain or resentment
I'm sorry. Some people can be really big jerks... a lot them don't mean to be or regret it after.
In any case- you have some pretty strong soul strength by the sounds of it. Perseverance in the face of adversity is absolutely fantastic. This too shall pass... stay proud and strong. I admire you and I understand. What you are walking through would likely put me on my knees.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
BJ,
i wonder if it would help to split this up....looks like two different parts/issues to me: one is the betrayal and two is the actual info out there now.
splitting it into these components might make it easier to see where you can ( or maybe need) to change something, and where you can't.
i wonder if it would help to split this up....looks like two different parts/issues to me: one is the betrayal and two is the actual info out there now.
splitting it into these components might make it easier to see where you can ( or maybe need) to change something, and where you can't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,177
I’m sorry that happened to you.
The power in your story is that of recognition and change. The power lies in where you are, not where you’ve been. The power lies in the inspiration that others may take from your courage.
The fact that you did not willingly share the information stinks. Keep in mind that you write your personal story and control the narrative.
The power in your story is that of recognition and change. The power lies in where you are, not where you’ve been. The power lies in the inspiration that others may take from your courage.
The fact that you did not willingly share the information stinks. Keep in mind that you write your personal story and control the narrative.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I pretty much tell everyone that I am in recovery. Getting sober was really hard and took a lot of work. I am very proud of doing it. Telling people keeps me accountable.
BUT...and this is a big but...I made that decision for myself. I would be hurt, and furious, if it had been made for me.
BUT...and this is a big but...I made that decision for myself. I would be hurt, and furious, if it had been made for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Well, I don't like being outed at all, not about anything. But things happen how they happen and acceptance is key to my sobriety (not low self esteem, but rather the knowledge that things are what they are and not as I would have them be.)
Have you ever heard someone say "if I love you I will hurt you"? I'm not talking about physical or even psychological abuse. I'm talking about that human beings make mistakes. I have at times shared something about some one that I shouldn't have shared. Part of me knew it sometimes, and sometimes I really didn't realize. For me life is hard and without forgiveness I will always feel isolated, alone and weak.
Not sure that makes sense!
I don't run around telling everyone everything, but I do tell some people and sometimes they out me.
Part of my not wanting to be outed is that I have 1.5 years sober after 35 years. So I totally understand that years of sobriety do not guarantee sobriety.. And if people know I am alcoholic, any of my failures lead to their cynicism. The other part is straight out fear. Fear that if people know I am fighting for sobriety, they will think less of me and support me less if I try again.
Have you ever heard someone say "if I love you I will hurt you"? I'm not talking about physical or even psychological abuse. I'm talking about that human beings make mistakes. I have at times shared something about some one that I shouldn't have shared. Part of me knew it sometimes, and sometimes I really didn't realize. For me life is hard and without forgiveness I will always feel isolated, alone and weak.
Not sure that makes sense!
I don't run around telling everyone everything, but I do tell some people and sometimes they out me.
Part of my not wanting to be outed is that I have 1.5 years sober after 35 years. So I totally understand that years of sobriety do not guarantee sobriety.. And if people know I am alcoholic, any of my failures lead to their cynicism. The other part is straight out fear. Fear that if people know I am fighting for sobriety, they will think less of me and support me less if I try again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Thanks everyone! The kindness on here blows me away - gets me right in the feels.
I'm feeling better about things today, a good sleep and a good cry can go a long way, plus I don't have the temperament to stay mad for long.
I don't think he's been blabbing because he's mean, I think he's just thoughtless. I tried to explain how people talk and judge. It's one thing to be known as a non-drinker and another to be known as an ex-alkie. I've got children too who don't want their mother to be known that way and once this information is out there there's no controlling it. And some of the people he told! He told the Free Mason's - are you kidding me? Some of those people are influential. It was bad enough when he outed me to his family last year, I didn't want his mother to know. To this day I feel awkward around his family and I never used to. They treat me different now. I walked in on them whispering to other guests at Easter dinner about how I don't drink. I acted like I didn't hear, but I did. That's what I mean about not being able to control the information, now these people I had never met before know I had a drinking problem.
The only good news is that I think he's run out of people to blab to, unless he wants to start going through my contacts and calling up my grandmother and childhood playmates to let them in on the news.
I'm trying to look at it like anyone who would judge and be intolerant of my past are people who's opinion wouldn't matter to me anyway since tolerance and acceptance are traits I value in others. Otherwise, let 'em talk. I've had worse things said about me, assuming nasty things are being said. I guess it's better to be known as someone who faced their troubles and overcame them than someone who's an active drunk.
I'm going to forgive him and move on though. I've certainly said and done things I'm not proud of and hurt people I love, and they forgave me. Those were wise words ananda - If I love you I will hurt you. It's true. Sucks though because I don't feel safe confiding in him anymore and he's been my main source of support and friendship. I already have felt like I've lost a significant portion of my friendships, since I had surrounded myself with others who drank the way I used to. But it is what it is.
Thanks again everyone for taking the time to reply and for your kindness, it means a lot.
I'm feeling better about things today, a good sleep and a good cry can go a long way, plus I don't have the temperament to stay mad for long.
I don't think he's been blabbing because he's mean, I think he's just thoughtless. I tried to explain how people talk and judge. It's one thing to be known as a non-drinker and another to be known as an ex-alkie. I've got children too who don't want their mother to be known that way and once this information is out there there's no controlling it. And some of the people he told! He told the Free Mason's - are you kidding me? Some of those people are influential. It was bad enough when he outed me to his family last year, I didn't want his mother to know. To this day I feel awkward around his family and I never used to. They treat me different now. I walked in on them whispering to other guests at Easter dinner about how I don't drink. I acted like I didn't hear, but I did. That's what I mean about not being able to control the information, now these people I had never met before know I had a drinking problem.
The only good news is that I think he's run out of people to blab to, unless he wants to start going through my contacts and calling up my grandmother and childhood playmates to let them in on the news.
I'm trying to look at it like anyone who would judge and be intolerant of my past are people who's opinion wouldn't matter to me anyway since tolerance and acceptance are traits I value in others. Otherwise, let 'em talk. I've had worse things said about me, assuming nasty things are being said. I guess it's better to be known as someone who faced their troubles and overcame them than someone who's an active drunk.
I'm going to forgive him and move on though. I've certainly said and done things I'm not proud of and hurt people I love, and they forgave me. Those were wise words ananda - If I love you I will hurt you. It's true. Sucks though because I don't feel safe confiding in him anymore and he's been my main source of support and friendship. I already have felt like I've lost a significant portion of my friendships, since I had surrounded myself with others who drank the way I used to. But it is what it is.
Thanks again everyone for taking the time to reply and for your kindness, it means a lot.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
