Hoping for his recovery
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
Hoping for his recovery
I wrote on here 2 weeks ago after Id asked asked ABF to leave. I was feeling pretty vulnerable and devastated . We ended up having a deep talk and he told me that the only way he could 'honour' me now would be to stop drinking completely. He wanted me to trust that he could become a better person. I reminded him that he needed to do this for himself, but I also believed his intention and so I suggested that he leave and sort himself out and perhaps we may still have a future if he can do it. The drink is one thing, but he also has some life decisions to make about whether he wants to go back overseas or not . I suppose I've felt that the drinking is a symptom of his unhappiness here with me. Since then I have stuck to my boundaries but he's been trying to make it a shorter break , like a month ! He considers he's having a holiday at his mum's where he will.plan a travelling trip for himself, back to see his kids for another holiday at the end of the year, maybe buy a house there to rent out so he has a future nest egg for us. He wants to come back to live with me and work to save for this trip. However, all this is by the by because he is still in denial about his drinking. Yes he has stopped since I asked him to leave for 2 weeks and he thinks hes cured. He feels good and is on a health and fitness regime now, which is a pattern, as an antidote to the alcohol consumption. He says its been no problem atall for him . He's been saying alot of questionable things however, that makes me think he STILL doesnt think theres a problem. Warning signs to me. He tells me he always drank when he lived overseas, so it has nothing to do with being here with me. He has always peeds himself if he drinks to much 'fluid' and that I need to look at statistics around this because its normal for men when theyve been drinking. He says everyone drinks ! Its normal to get drunk! He has been questioning my attitude to my drinking, which I have thought about in depth and don't consider to be a problem. (Him always goading me to have one more, was.) He knows that when he was on his own, it didnt matter so.much because he wasnt affecting anyone ! He cant see how it was affecting him and that that was problem ? DD offence, picked up by the police in the road and kept in a cell overnight and another time driven him by them ? Marriage broke down because he was addicted to cannabis. He's actually.considered getting some for a night out we had planned before he leaves and couldnt see how this was questionable decision ? He simply cannot understand the effect it's had on me and my teenagers over the year he's been with us. He says he can understand, but then questions everything I say. He hasnt hurt anyone ? He's just relaxing and having fun ? How does he know how he was he was drunk? I've hinted at him getting support ,which he considers, but theres absolutely no action. He's not even back on here to get advice ? When he goes to his mum's in 3 weeks, as he's working his notice at work ..yes hard for me, I know she won't condone drinking there as she knows why weve split . But I don't think he will drink for months , perhaps. It's after his 3 month historical benchmark that I am worried about . I don't want to recommit, to go through this again with my kids. When I read through some of the stories on here though , I think well he's nowhere near as bad as that, and yet the suffering he has caused me is the same. Horrible horrible anxiety and nausea every day. We are still doing horizontal gymnastics and I know that's not good. I am sticking to my boundaries in other ways though and I actually can't wait for him to leave I wish he would leave sooner. He's kind of putting me under pressure a bit , when I say a month isnt long enough, wanting me to specify if this is the end or not, so he can make it easier on himself. I He knows exactly what he would do. Go back overseas, get a job and a house and live his dream life. I know what you're going to say. Don't let him come back for at least 6 months ? Make sure he is in recovery ? I'm worried that he will get bored waiting t his mums and just go back to live overseas and I'll lose him forever because he thinks I dont really love him. I really hope he can do this for us but I won't have him back if he's going to drink again . Can I have him.back with us in recovery if he guarantees he's getting support ? Is that advisable ? Im Still feeling strong though and looking forward to having my head and heart space to myself for a while. A longer while ! Thankyou for being here , it's so helpful to me to have this forum
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Turq..I am the alcoholic who destroyed my family. Just so you do not stop reading- I have agreed to everything my ex wants (70/30 split) and hace said, with a counselor present that all I want is for this to be over so we can all heal and get on with our lives. The D process has been ongoing for 2 years...about the same length of time I have been sober (recovery program..have not lived in fam home since Aug 2015, when I nearly died of fatal burns...by drinking and my family, understandably cut me loose).
There is only 1 rule for active addiction..and that is there are NO rules. Everything else comes second. I used to play for time..promising I would call AA n the morning, then call the number- wait for 1 ring and hang up..then ring and do it agaoin. I could then say I rang twice but no one answered. I would have done anything to drink...it changed me and I would lie, cheat and steal. Towards the end- I actually started to believe my own lies.
A recovering alcoholic needs to do it alone..with professional help and not expecting family to rescue them. So- for any sort of future to be had- they need to show over time- consistency and patience and show the world they are sober. Proof. Not just words. You have a right to be safe and get on with your life.
Prayers and support to you.
There is only 1 rule for active addiction..and that is there are NO rules. Everything else comes second. I used to play for time..promising I would call AA n the morning, then call the number- wait for 1 ring and hang up..then ring and do it agaoin. I could then say I rang twice but no one answered. I would have done anything to drink...it changed me and I would lie, cheat and steal. Towards the end- I actually started to believe my own lies.
A recovering alcoholic needs to do it alone..with professional help and not expecting family to rescue them. So- for any sort of future to be had- they need to show over time- consistency and patience and show the world they are sober. Proof. Not just words. You have a right to be safe and get on with your life.
Prayers and support to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
He has always peeds himself if he drinks to much 'fluid' and that I need to look at statistics around this because its normal for men when theyve been drinking.
Not true at all. And so he's seen a urologist? And he wears protective undergarments? Non-alcoholic people who have actual bladder and incontinence issues get diagnosed, deal with it, treat it and take responsibility.
He says he can understand, but then questions everything I say.
He says everyone drinks ! Its normal to get drunk!
But that's patently untrue.
So then he does not understand. No one in active addiction can "understand" the effect they are having on people who love them. And even if he was the magical exception who understood, so what? Actions tell you what uou need to know, not words, not "understanding."
I don't want to recommit, to go through this again with my kids. When I read through some of the stories on here though , I think well he's nowhere near as bad as that, and yet the suffering he has caused me is the same. Horrible horrible anxiety and nausea every day.
Good call. This is not only super unhealthy for you but awful for kids to be around (no matter their ages). Also it is a classic and poisonous paralyzing trait of codependency to minimize how bad things are. Every time we do that we score points for Team Alcohol. The addict sets us up and benefits from our belief that "it's not so bad." If you want to wait, it will get much much worse!
Go back overseas, get a job and a house and live his dream life.
His dream life sounds miserable actually, so let him have it! And ask any recovered A if they were ever living a dream life whilst drinking?!
All that nonsense he "says" is just quacking. Quack. Quack. Quack. I've heard all these kinds of crazy arguments from my A brothers over the years, all a distraction: they just keep drinking. There is a reality, and he will quack away and try to distract and misdirect, this is all classic A behavior, Team A hard at work to keep him drinking and keep you off his back and maintain the status quo.
Can I have him.back with us in recovery if he guarantees he's getting support ?
You can do whatever you want. He doesn't sound like he is anywhere near recovery!
Which gets to the real nut of your problem:
What is YOUR dream life?
Who are you?
The past is gone, you are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B
Not true at all. And so he's seen a urologist? And he wears protective undergarments? Non-alcoholic people who have actual bladder and incontinence issues get diagnosed, deal with it, treat it and take responsibility.
He says he can understand, but then questions everything I say.
He says everyone drinks ! Its normal to get drunk!
But that's patently untrue.
So then he does not understand. No one in active addiction can "understand" the effect they are having on people who love them. And even if he was the magical exception who understood, so what? Actions tell you what uou need to know, not words, not "understanding."
I don't want to recommit, to go through this again with my kids. When I read through some of the stories on here though , I think well he's nowhere near as bad as that, and yet the suffering he has caused me is the same. Horrible horrible anxiety and nausea every day.
Good call. This is not only super unhealthy for you but awful for kids to be around (no matter their ages). Also it is a classic and poisonous paralyzing trait of codependency to minimize how bad things are. Every time we do that we score points for Team Alcohol. The addict sets us up and benefits from our belief that "it's not so bad." If you want to wait, it will get much much worse!
Go back overseas, get a job and a house and live his dream life.
His dream life sounds miserable actually, so let him have it! And ask any recovered A if they were ever living a dream life whilst drinking?!
All that nonsense he "says" is just quacking. Quack. Quack. Quack. I've heard all these kinds of crazy arguments from my A brothers over the years, all a distraction: they just keep drinking. There is a reality, and he will quack away and try to distract and misdirect, this is all classic A behavior, Team A hard at work to keep him drinking and keep you off his back and maintain the status quo.
Can I have him.back with us in recovery if he guarantees he's getting support ?
You can do whatever you want. He doesn't sound like he is anywhere near recovery!
Which gets to the real nut of your problem:
What is YOUR dream life?
Who are you?
The past is gone, you are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Phoenix, you describe active alcoholism perfectly and I thank you for your insight and courage. A compulsion to drink that overrides family, friends and values. Recovery -- especially in the first year -- is a solo endeavor or taken with other recovering alcoholics in AA. And sadly only a small percent make it to one year. Turquoise, your ABF may think he can stop drinking and he'll be ok in a month but it doesn't work that way. Alanon can be a life saver because of the tremendous support of others; I recommend it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I say this gentle, you continue to say that he is in denial of how severe his drinking actually is but I also see you sharing in that denial of how bad his drinking actually is and how much it has affected your life and will always affect your like as long as you are with him. You want to believe a potential“fantasy” and not accept the reality of his lifelong disease of addiction.
You want reassurance that he will never drink, that is something he or any of us here on SR could ever give you. The facts you do have to work with today are …….his past history of addiction, his marriage broke up due to his addiction. He continues to deny his addiction, he is currently maybe sober maybe not, maybe he’s just gotten better at hiding it from you. He doesn’t have nor does he want a plan or program to help him with the very thing he denies he even has. I certainly would not bank me or my children’s future on “potential” not with his history, sorry.
You want reassurance that he will never drink, that is something he or any of us here on SR could ever give you. The facts you do have to work with today are …….his past history of addiction, his marriage broke up due to his addiction. He continues to deny his addiction, he is currently maybe sober maybe not, maybe he’s just gotten better at hiding it from you. He doesn’t have nor does he want a plan or program to help him with the very thing he denies he even has. I certainly would not bank me or my children’s future on “potential” not with his history, sorry.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Two weeks off the booze is not enough, my AH was off it 5 weeks and said the same, that he was finding it easy, he could take it or leave it, he didn’t have a problem at all - and he was going to start getting fit loose weight etc.
This weekend I’ve thrown out 36 beer cans and an empty 2 litre bottle of gin - that’s the result of his “couple of beers in the sunshine”. By the way this is his idea of “moderating” because he’s not drinking red wine as well! oh and he nearly electrocuted our daughter too. Because he was drunk.
If I’d got as far as you have - and made that difficult initial “break”? I’d run for the hills and never look back!
This weekend I’ve thrown out 36 beer cans and an empty 2 litre bottle of gin - that’s the result of his “couple of beers in the sunshine”. By the way this is his idea of “moderating” because he’s not drinking red wine as well! oh and he nearly electrocuted our daughter too. Because he was drunk.
If I’d got as far as you have - and made that difficult initial “break”? I’d run for the hills and never look back!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ 
Turq..I am the alcoholic who destroyed my family. Just so you do not stop reading- I have agreed to everything my ex wants (70/30 split) and hace said, with a counselor present that all I want is for this to be over so we can all heal and get on with our lives. The D process has been ongoing for 2 years...about the same length of time I have been sober (recovery program..have not lived in fam home since Aug 2015, when I nearly died of fatal burns...by drinking and my family, understandably cut me loose).
There is only 1 rule for active addiction..and that is there are NO rules. Everything else comes second. I used to play for time..promising I would call AA n the morning, then call the number- wait for 1 ring and hang up..then ring and do it agaoin. I could then say I rang twice but no one answered. I would have done anything to drink...it changed me and I would lie, cheat and steal. Towards the end- I actually started to believe my own lies.
A recovering alcoholic needs to do it alone..with professional help and not expecting family to rescue them. So- for any sort of future to be had- they need to show over time- consistency and patience and show the world they are sober. Proof. Not just words. You have a right to be safe and get on with your life.
Prayers and support to you.
There is only 1 rule for active addiction..and that is there are NO rules. Everything else comes second. I used to play for time..promising I would call AA n the morning, then call the number- wait for 1 ring and hang up..then ring and do it agaoin. I could then say I rang twice but no one answered. I would have done anything to drink...it changed me and I would lie, cheat and steal. Towards the end- I actually started to believe my own lies.
A recovering alcoholic needs to do it alone..with professional help and not expecting family to rescue them. So- for any sort of future to be had- they need to show over time- consistency and patience and show the world they are sober. Proof. Not just words. You have a right to be safe and get on with your life.
Prayers and support to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by RainingButtons
Two weeks off the booze is not enough, my AH was off it 5 weeks and said the same, that he was finding it easy, he could take it or leave it, he didn’t have a problem at all - and he was going to start getting fit loose weight etc.
This weekend I’ve thrown out 36 beer cans and an empty 2 litre bottle of gin - that’s the result of his “couple of beers in the sunshine”. By the way this is his idea of “moderating” because he’s not drinking red wine as well! oh and he nearly electrocuted our daughter too. Because he was drunk.
If I’d got as far as you have - and made that difficult initial “break”? I’d run for the hills and never look back!
This weekend I’ve thrown out 36 beer cans and an empty 2 litre bottle of gin - that’s the result of his “couple of beers in the sunshine”. By the way this is his idea of “moderating” because he’s not drinking red wine as well! oh and he nearly electrocuted our daughter too. Because he was drunk.
If I’d got as far as you have - and made that difficult initial “break”? I’d run for the hills and never look back!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he's been trying to make it a shorter break , like a month ! He considers he's having a holiday at his mum's where he will.plan a travelling trip for himself, back to see his kids for another holiday at the end of the year, maybe buy a house there to rent out so he has a future nest egg for us. He wants to come back to live with me and work to save for this trip.
boy he's a big talker isn't he? lots of big plans.
i'm curious how well has he done TO DATE on any big plans?
boy he's a big talker isn't he? lots of big plans.
i'm curious how well has he done TO DATE on any big plans?
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
Turq- some good stuff here. Just an addit: addiction changes a person's behaviour. It makes the addicted soul have, in a way a 'moral cancer'. It eats away at that person. Such people are not bad people doing bad things...they (as was I) are very, very sick people doing bad things. Thus the need for professional support and a change over time...some say a year...I would say...it is just a daily effort to remain sober and not only that- a want to hal spiritually as well.
So as well as prayers to you- also for your ex. It is still up to him, not you- but I can understand.
So as well as prayers to you- also for your ex. It is still up to him, not you- but I can understand.
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